Is it ever possible to gain closure from a narcissist when they end a relationship abruptly with no explanation for the breakup?

Answer 1

A narcissist will say goodbye to you only when he/she has found a better supply of validation in someone else. If they feel that they can still gain ego-points from having you around, they will probably not vanish. They will usually never give closure to a relationship-- sometimes even picking fights with you out of nowhere and after months of not speaking in order to assess whether or not you still care about them.

The important thing is not their actions and reasons for why they do what they do and how they do it, it's your health. You have to seek help (best with the guidance of a professional therapist) and find the root of your need to have a narcissist in your life. Though they can be charming, good-looking and magnetically talented individuals, the reasons for why we stay hooked on them are not usually about these pro attributes but are about the familiarity of the relationship dynamic from our childhood.

Answer 2

I tried in vain to have closure with my N. All I wanted was to end it on a good note. I think he knew that once I got my closure I would leave him alone. As long as we were on a bad note, I would try to make things right. He just wanted me to keep calling and being upset. I gave up after a month and just accepted that it would be bad. So I just did the no contact thing. Now he is doing ridiculous things to get my attention....but through friends....never directly. He is a nut. I understand more and more each day that it's not ABOUT ME ! Still knowing this, I do miss him terribly because we did have lots of good times.

AnswerIt's easier to think of them as a non-person. A ghost. Something from the past. A mistake. (works for me) AnswerThere is no closure. For me I try really hard to pretend they never exisited in my life. Kind of like they are dead. That sounds very sad but they are not human and have no feelings what so ever. So when they are done with you they move on to their next victom. Be glad for that. AnswerSure, they'll come back around to get your attention then you can get the closure you need. Narcissist have a big bark but they're not so tough. They'll come crawling back after a while. healing from narcissistI believe the biggest and most important step in your healing and being able to move on is to accept that you did not have any meaning in the narcissists life. This is very hard to accept, and you will reflect back on times and think that you had to of meant something to him, but that is what he was wanting you to think. And it is those times that make it so difficult for us to realize that other human beings are capable of doing the shocking and painful things they do to us. It has been a long and painful nightmare for me to finally get to this point in my life and I know that I am still not there yet in being able to accept that I meant nothing to this man I have shared my life with for the past 7 years, and spent nearly $200,000.00 on in the past 3 months. They will convince you that they have changed to get what they want from you and once they have it, they will discard you in a heartbeat and not a trace of wha you have done for them, or of who you are will ever exist in their memory. I know you won't want to believe that, but you must. I think it is necessary to ask God or a higher power according to your belief to give you the strength and understanding to get you through this. You will become a stronger and wiser person for what you have been through, and difficult to see now, but something good will come out of this tragic experience in your life and you will be blessed because of it. Please do not doubt that. Your pain will lessen with time. Remove your self from any situation that will put you in contact with the narcissist. It will be helpful for you to know that any new persons in the narcissists life, especially if he suddenly dropped you for a new person, holds no meaning either, they are only a victim to be used and discarded the same as you were. It does no good to wonder and dwell on what they have that you don't - they have only one thing and that is what lies ahead for them, what you are facing now. AnswerMy sentiments exactly. Wow. I really feel for the person above; you have been through almost exactly what I went through, emotionally in particular. I guess for me the biggest closure has been realizing that he was a narcissist, and what that means. I'm still in mourning about it, because it's like a death. You find out the person you thought you knew, well, you knew SOMETHING was wrong. But then you find out they were never in it to begin with. All the good times and the bad, they weren't even technically there. All you shared, you didn't really share. It was all a calculation on his part. It's sickening. What gets me is that he tried to tell me, and I just wrote it off. Of course he knew I would and was just thrill-seeking. Too impossible to believe that a person might not have normal emotions and feelings for other people. Now I know better. The icing on top of the cake was this email I got in which the narcissist asks me if I'd like to reminisce some time about all our good times. I cannot believe the unmitigated GALL it takes to actually try to get something more out of me at this point. Cannot believe it. He even tried to use my father's death as a way to segway his greedy little self back into my life. It is incomprehensible to me that such people exist. I think they tend to hook up with the more feeling members of society because we are the people who can't even believe someone could lack emotions. We project all our emotions on them and make their job easier. Of course this makes the pain doubly bad for us when they callously walk out the door...

Answer

I too was involved with a narcissist. We were friends for almost two years and then we started dating. It was rocky to say the least right from the beginning. We would go to a party together and he would pretend that he was single. I knew he was a playboy, but I really believed that he had fallen for me too. Perhaps reflective psychology. He acted the part. He seemed to love me a great deal. But then there were moments I just felt deep in my gut that he was being unfaithful or dishonest. Sometimes I felt that he was a bit mechanical. His trips to the gym were sacred. He was physically a god. Women used to always flock to him and he loved it. Food for his narcissistic enterprise. The first time I realized that there was something seriously wrong with him was the day my father had a heart attack. I was sobbing at home and ever so sad. He had no empathy what so ever. Instead of coming to comfort me, he stayed out with his buddies. He heard my voice crackling and could hear me whimpering and did not even ask if I was ok. That was to me unforgivable and hence I broke up with him. I left the country for a few months and when I was back we started seeing each other again. This time he was different, he was attentive and seemed to have more empathy. After being back together for almost three months... he disappeared. I found that he had left me for another women in Another Country. He never tried to call me to explain. There was some exchange of e-mails. He denied that he was back together with her until I found out from friends that they were engaged to be married. When I told him that what he did was cold and extremely hurtful... he quoted in his mail "What did you lose by being with me? I don't understand why you are angry." It was incredible his lack of empathy. It took me over a year to get over the great deception. He dumped his proposed future wife and got in touch with me. After all the pain, he had me at hello 'again'. When I saw him it was explosive, we hugged and talked about everything. And ofcourse I forgave him. We were intimate and the sex was a true reunion of our souls. I had missed him so much. That very same night we met at a bar and he had another woman with him. He was feeling her ass in front of me. When I called him crying, he said 'honey but we never talked about getting back together, why are you so upset'. There is more, much much more... because like an addict I always came back for more. The humiliation, insomnia, depression and loss of appetite for living have been some of the random side effects that I have had to endure. Yes I am At Fault at getting back together with him and I should take responsibility for this. I don't know if this justifies anything but I am weak when it comes to him. Till this very day I still just want to run to his arms. I want to bring to life what once was between us. We are still in touch and he still punishes me with his false promises and his absence. I know I have to close the door and seal proof it. I need closure, but he won't give me that.

Answer

I Had the opportunity to fall in love with a narcissist myself. It was great for close to the first year. Then strange things began to happen. Slowly she began to devaluate me. She began to take away the things that she first seemed to be attracted to.

When I would comment on it she was brilliant in reversing fault and knocking me down another notch. By the end of the second year I felt as though I was loosing important qualities such as self esteem. Trust issues with her flooded my mind.

Bring it up to her and get emotionally hammered again. By the grace of God I started finding answers through blogs like this.

I did many things to try to get closure. They all seemed to help a little.

I kept a journal of all the horrible things she said and done. When I became week I read it to help snap me out of it. I wrote her an anger letter and burned it.

I meditated......I talked about it. For me, these things helped but not enough to regain freedom of peace of mind and regain happiness.

One day I was thinking......How can I love someone who was so cruel.

The truth is that I fell in love with someone who no longer existed. So I had an idea.

I was going to have a funeral for the woman I loved before she began to devalue me. No I did not kill her. When the time was right, I took a small garden shovel, a picture of her, a gift she gave to me and a love letter that I wrote to her the same day. In this letter I let her know how much I loved her. I told her why I loved her.

I told her of my pain and how much I missed her.

I took these things to a place I picked out in the forest. I brought a small chair. I dug the hole, then sat in the chair. I pulled out the picture of her for the first time in months. As my eyes connected with hers on the picture.......The flood of tears and pain came flowing from me. I knew this was goodbye. I read the letter to her and asked God to remove all of the pain that I had inside and take it from me.

I put the picture, the letter and the gift in the hole and covered it up. I laid a flower on top.

As i began to walk back to my car I felt the release of my pain and began to feel inner peace. I would say that by the time I got home I was feeling that I was beginning to grieve in a healthy way. Its a month later and I can function.

I feel that if she knocked on my door tomorrow I would not fall apart or be out of control. I have learned about her behavior and her illness and would never let her back in.

From time to time she will drift back into my mind but then I remember she is gone. I will continue to educate myself on this matter so that I strengthen myself and be less codependent. One day I will be glad that she came into my life.

I broke up with my N after having an off again on again relationship with him for more than 6 years. It ended when I told him I could not put up with his antics anymore but then he dropped a bombshell a month later when he told me he had met up with an old flame... We had little contact after that but then I started to see he was still on my Gmail contacts. I didnt take him off and he obviously kept me on his. Periodically we would say hi but nothing much else and then lately we touched base and once we chatted he then made some febble excuse he was supposed to be working and then cut me off by logging off. Before he left he asked how I was so I emailed him and told him I was never better... I guess I am in a way but I know I am still grieving and as much as anyone would be. I then saw him online again over and over but he would play cat and mouse with me so I told him to can it and I sent him a link to that site Malignant Self Love. That really must have shocked him because since then I no longer have him in my contacts list and my guess is that I have truly rid him out of my life. He will probably be seething now but it means I can move on without the stress. Not sure if he will come back though eventually?