What should you do if your husband of 20 years told you that he likes you a lot but doesn't love you and if it wasn't for your 13-year-old son he would have been gone a long time ago?

Answer 1

Advice from a man, It's because he views you as being weak and hopelessly in love with him, no matter how he treats you. It's not that he doesn't love you, he has just lost interest in you. Men like a challenge, its our nature. If you make your love easy to come by, then it won't be very precious to him. My advice to you is if you want to improve the situation, prove your independance and force him to persue you. Show him that your happiness doesn't depend on him being around and he will stay. Resist the earge to gratify is every need and make him earn what he wants by treating you the way you dream about being treated. This is the start of making yourself challenging, but, by all means, be creative. Also, he sounds a little conceited, like he thinks that he is way too good looking to be with you, so, a gentle reality check about where he would stand in the outside world might be in order. Just to get things into perspective, but, be gentle as not to bruise his precious ego. Remember, you are the mother of his son, the most precious gift you could ever give. You deserve his utermost respect and love, but, a son needs his father, so, try to make it work. Don't become a statistic, for your sons sake. Advice from a woman, This is almost the exact thing my husband said to me when, brace yourself, I found out he was involved in an "emotional affair". Don't buy into the "blame game" he is playing and the excuse he is giving you for his unhappiness. If it was over a long time ago, then it was his responsibility to let you know a long time ago. But blaming is not the answer. Probably, both of you are somewhat to blame for the current state of the relationship. What is needed is individual counseling - moreso than joint marriage counseling. You both need to take responsibility for your own happiness. You can't MAKE somebody else happy. I know from my own painful experience that crying, begging, trying to change for him, exquisite sex, trying to reason with him, researching ways to "fix" the marriage, etc. all do not work. Oddly, they push him further away. I agree with Advice from a man above, in that the only thing that works is getting to the point that you feel good enough about yourself to say, "I love you and want to try to improve our marriage, but that takes TWO. If you aren't interested, that's ok. I know I am a good person with a fantastic son, and I know that I will find the love and the relationship that I deserve. So if you aren't willing to put 100% of your effort, as I am, into working on US, please let me know now, so I can move on with my life and in finding my own happiness." It does work, but the catch is, you have to mean it. I hope in your case your husband is not having an affair, but you need to force out the truth of the root cause of his unhappiness. Like Dr. Phil says, "You can't fix what you don't acknowledge". Bring everything out into the light and talk about it openly and honestly. Things seem much worse when they remain unspoken. And don't point fingers of blame. That just causes defensiveness and solves nothing. Instead ask yourself, "How did I contribute to this situation? - What could I have done differently? - What will I do differently next time?" In other words, don't put your energy into complaining about the problem - put it into coming to agreement about solutions. You can't change somebody else, and you can't make somebody else happy, no matter how hard you try. You can only change yourself and make yourself happy. It sounds selfish, but it's the only way. Talk only about YOUR thoughts and feelings. Everything should be "I, I, I" - NOT "he, he, he". And by doing this, the relationship WILL change. It must, because you are half of the relationship. You both owe it to yourselves, and to your son, to put 100% into trying your best. Divorce is traumatic for everyone, including your son. But after all is said and done, if you can honestly say you would be better off/happier without him (meaning ALONE), then perhaps that's the right road. Yes, divorce can cause your child to have "issues" - but so can watching your parents fight and/or exist within a loveless marriage. Your son is learning about relationships, marriage, self-esteem, self-worth, and personal integrity from both of YOU. I wish you the best of luck. LG in CA