How can you fake an illness?

Answer 1

Well, it all depends on a few factors

1) What illness

2) What cause

3) Why do you want to fake the illness

4) How long for

Right then, let's get started!

If you want a couple of days off, the I would recommend food poisoning. This illness can last from a day to a week, but dragging it out that long takes a lot of preparation, and is harder to pull off.

Classic symptoms of food poisoning are:

1) Vomiting

2) Dizziness

3) Diarrhea

4) Fever (feeling cold but actually burning up)

5) Headache

To cover all of these aspects believably, you need to think about the person/ people you are trying to fool. Are they likely to believe your word about the illness, or will they want to see the proof?

If you are absolutely sure they will take your word for it, then there is no need to make any fake vomit or diarrhea. You can just use water where I mention the fake mixtures.

To make this realistic, you need to know at least a day before you are going to fake illness. When you wake up the day before, act groggy and a little 'out of it', but if anyone asks, tell them you feel fine, and that you're probably just hungry, or still half asleep.

Go to school, or work, or whatever. During the day, keep up your act, groaning occasionally and holding your head and stomach. Maybe 15-30 minutes after eating your lunch, complain of a growing pain or upset stomach.

For this next bit, you need to decide if you are going to fake diarrhea or vomiting at this point. If it is diarrhea, the pain should be in your lower abdomen, whereas if it is going to be vomiting, the pain should be in your upper abdomen.

Keep wincing and complaining of this pain for a few minutes, then you should inform your friends or colleagues that you do not feel at all well, and excuse yourself in a flustered manner, heading quickly for the bathroom.

Speed up as you draw closer, then almost run in and slam the cubicle door. Make sure it is locked, then either sit on the toilet (for faking diarrhoea) or the floor by the toilet (for faking vomiting). Breathe quickly, making your breath sound ragged and strained.

Take the mixture of fake vomit/ diarrhea (instructions for making at end) and pour it into the toilet slowly, making sure the noise can be heard. While you are pouring it, gasp and make groaning and gagging noises to imitate actually having the illness you have chosen.

Stay in the cubicle for a minute or so, then emerge shakily, wiping your eyes as if they are watering. If someone has followed you, quietly wash your hands and tell them that you don't think you are well. Ask them to accompany you, if you are at school, to tell someone you are ill. Maintain the shaken, unsteady act as you explain what has happened, and if you are a girl, you could start crying for extra credibility, although this will probably not be necessary.

If you have faked vomiting, ask for a bucket to keep with you, one it has been confirmed that you are going home.

When they go to get the bucket, rush back to the bathroom and wait in the cubicle for a minute, then come back out and tell them you thought you were going to be sick/ have diarrhea again, but you were alright.

Once at home, go straight to bed. If you faked vomiting, brush your teeth first. Take plenty of water to bed with you.

Stay in bed for a few hours, and pretend to be asleep when anyone checks in on you. About 4 hours after your first attack, run out of bed and shut yourself in the bathroom.

Groan and make the same noises as before, but more so. This time you will not need a mixture. Simply continue for a minute or two, then flush the toilet. Chances are, nobody will really be able to hear clearly through the bathroom door anyway.

Using warm water, dampen your forehead and around your eyes. If the radiator is on, hold your face and forehead by it for a while, to increase the temperature of your skin. Walk out shakily, and with your arms wrapped around yourself. Complain that you feel freezing cold, and put on a few extra layers of clothing, eg. socks and jumpers. These will make you look cold, but they will also make you hot, increasing the credibility of the faked fever.

You should wobble when you walk, and complain of dizziness. A faked headache will make your illness seem worse, and to do this you need to act as if bright lights and loud or sharp noises hurt your eyes or head. You could complain of a pain in either your temples, the back base of your skull or all over your head.

Go back to bed, and stay there all day. Drink lots of water, and you can even put in a couple of extra bathroom rushes, claiming you thought you were going to throw up or have diarrhea.

By the next morning, you should still have all of your symptoms, but the vomiting and diarrhea should have stopped, although you can put in a few 'false alarm' bathroom runs throughout the day.

Stay in your room for most of the day, but at about 3PM, ask about food. You can tell them that you have a gnawing feeling in your stomach, and that you feel light-headed and empty.

After you have eaten, return to your room, but about 20 minutes later, go to the bathroom and fake vomiting the food up again. You should appear tired, upset and complain of a pain in your upper abdomen.

However, you can now tell them that your lower abdominal pains have gone, or at least greatly lessened. This update will make it less likely that you will be sent to a doctor.

Steadily improve throughout the day, and make them think you are on the mend, removing the headache and dizziness gradually. Eventually, you will be left with the stomach pain alone. Keep this in place, but you can say that it is fading.

Take the second bottle of fake vomit mixture, and hide it in your bed. Complain that your headache is returning, and excuse yourself for bed. Go to bed and wait until nobody is upstairs or near your room.

Take the second bottle of fake vomit mixture, and pour it onto the floor by your bed, and splash some on the duvet, and some down your own pajamas.

Then when your vomit is in place, gasp and groan and cry out, as if in shock and pain. When they come running, be apologetic and upset. Keep saying that you thought you were better, then you felt a shooting pain in your stomach. Tell that you doubled up, because of the sharp pain, and the vomit just came out. Explain that you had no time to get to the bathroom, and keep telling them you're sorry.

This will be your last attack, so time it so that it falls in the late hours of night or early hours of the morning.

Avoid breakfast, with the explanation that although you feel hungry, you are worried that you will be sick again, as the pain has not entirely gone.

Spend until just after dinner in bed, either faking sleep or acting as if you can't sleep because of worry about being sick, or because you are restless and uncomfortable.

Get up just after dinner, at about 2PM, and say that you are very hungry. Tell them that your stomach still hurts, but in a different way, and explain that you think it is because you are hungry.

Make a gradual and steady recovery throughout the day, getting fully better at about 6PM.

WARNINGS:

1) Make sure you don't over-act it, or you might get sent to a doctor. Although it is possible to fool them, it is much, much more difficult. If you do have to see a doctor, keep to your story. Say that it started at school/work, and when you came home you were sick/ had diarrhea a few more times. Explain that the fever and headache came later, and that they only lasted briefly. Say also that you were first sick/ had diarrhea not long after eating lunch. You can say you felt queasy, and reinforce the points about your symptoms, particularly the vomiting. If you say that you feel a little better than you did before, the doctor will probably conclude that you have food poisoning, and that it is nothing serious. DO NOT exaggerate your faked symptoms to the doctor, but if your parent is with you, do not play them down too much either, or they will get suspicious. Stick by your story, and you should be fine.

2) Make sure you have enough food stashed in your bedroom to keep you going for the time you are faking illness, as you will have to pretend not to be eating for a day or so.

3) Do not spill the mixture on clothes that you are unwilling to risk staining or having to throw out.

Recipe for fake vomit/ diarrhea:

1) Add oatmeal, 4-day old strawberry milkshake (for the smell), squashed banana, some leftovers, and Orange Juice to the mixture.

2) Split it up into two bottles.

3) Store one in your school/ work bag, and one in your bedroom.

4) Shake up the bottles before use.