How long into a relationship with a narcissist does it take for the devaluation and discard process to start?

Answer 1

N will devalue his partner when it suits him, but the devaluing stage will initially be hidden. As long as a N partner is getting some of his needs met and has "supply" he will justify his lies and infidelity and addictions by blaming his partner for NOT meeting his needs. However, once he is indisputably outed, with irrefutable evidence of his bad behavior he will abruptly disappear, in search of new supply. He will reinvent himself quickly and disgard any remnants from his past. My N ex left a beautiful family and was engaged to 3 different women in 10 moinths. This last one is the woman he is "going to spend the rest of his life with". I wonder why she has not noticed that he NEVER sees his four children and after 18 months she has still not met them. She thinks she has met the "man of her dreams" . N are very convincing and charming. Whatever he is telling her is believable. The destruction and collateral damage of a N eventually gets discovered even by the most trusting of partners. Then they are on to their new supply. It took me 33 years to realize the person that pretended to be my best friend had a double life and was a compulsive liar. He blamed me for his infidelities and lying because I did not meet his needs. He will stay with his present partner until she discovers that his false self is hideous and cruel and selfish. Then, he will do to her what he did to me and the cycle will continue. Even my children feel sorry for her.

Answer 2

There is no single answer to your questions. There is no generic narcissist. They do not follow a rule book or timetable. However, consider the following.

You may notice clues to the process very early on, within several days of first meeting but the Narcissist may make a joke out of hurtful comments he/she has made, but often they will be humour made at your expense or some insensitive words of criticism about your work, or your dress sense, etc . He/She may also subtly make the arrangements for your first meetings, all on his term or to suit him/herself, rather than even considering your wishes or consulting you about them.

There may also be early signs such as getting drunk on your first date or ordering drinks for themselves without asking you what you would like or deciding without consulting you, about where you are going. (They may say they do not wish to go out so that you can only have a date that night if you agree to watch the tennis or Rugby or other condition they place on the date).

Sometimes these initial small thoughtless things may go unnoticed because we may have been attracted to them for a long time, by the smart meticulous way they dress, and the care they take with their appearance or how conscientious them seem about their work. Narcissists work very hard on all aspects of their image. They like to impress initially, as they love to earn your flattering comments or anything that is complimentary, which acts as their 'Narcissistic feed'.

During the next stage of your relationship though you may notice he/she doesn't 'slip up' with their manners or thoughtlessness anymore and they are very careful to become what they think you want in a partner. The real problems can often only start to reveal themselves after you have made a commitment to them, either by becoming engaged, moving in, or getting married.

There may have been small signs along the way of insensitivity or 'all on his/her terms' to commitment but you may have been so in love that you brushed them aside, paid little attention, or readily accepted his/her apologies or explanations as to why he/she was hours late to meet you yet again.

After commitment stage it has been known for the Narcissist to seem to apparently completely change his temperament. He may even actually verbalise this and say that he/she does not have to 'keep up trying as hard ' [now that he has you] and you will at some stage feel your first emotional shock and think 'What have I married?/moved in with?' etc. You may try to talk to him/her about how upset he/she has made you feel and you will be totally shocked at his/her indifferent attitude.

Answer 3

I read somewhere that a relationship based on addictive infatuation wears off after 18 months to 3 years so it stands to reason this is a safe time frame, but obviously every relationship is affected by the people involved.

There is no universal answer to your question. A narcissist is only thinking about their own needs and is constantly seeking other people to provide adoration, financial support, and fill their other needs. They may only need a temporary supply or they may find the new person isn't malleable enough. In that case the relationship can be extremely short-lived.