How do you stop your ex-husband's wife from bad mouthing you to your kids so that they don't want to see you any more?

Answer 1

This problem is hard to solve. It requires a useful understanding of the situation in order to begin to make the proper moves. WHY would any person purposefully damage a relationship between two other people? If the person in question believes that their relationship with their married partner is in jeopardy, then they will respond by trying to protect their "turf" in some sort of fashion. Very few people will stand by idly while losing a valuable relationship, such as marriage or custody of their children. This woman is SO concerned that she will lose her new husband, (he has a history of a long relationship with the mother of his children, and so, there IS always some sort of threat potential in this sort of arrangement), that she correctly perceives that the FASTEST way for her to end this threat, is to make the kids her ally in her cause, (which is "I am the BEST mom to be around"), and use THEM to convince her new husband that he should exert HIS power to keep his ex-wife (you) out of the picture entirely. The woman understands CLEARLY that the less time YOU are around, the less of a threat YOU present to HER current relationship to YOUR ex-husband. The kids are not likely to be able to discern her motives and intentions, so she will be able to lie to them more effectively than she would be able to do with an adult. The man involved is probably relieved to finally have a mate to help him manage the kids, so HE doesn't want to make waves by calming the highly reactive new wife down. In fact, if he is continually presented with "presenting problems" that his children are "purportedly" having over the stress of "having" to share visitation with his ex-wife (YOU), then he may decide to take the easy way out, and simply allow his new wife to succeed in her mission to exclude you from their lives entiredly. This may not be skillful, but from HIS point of view, it is less work than fighting his new wife, possibly losing his babysitter for his kids (through yet another costly divorce), and having to manage the kids all on his own. If the following facts ARE true, and IF they could be presented to all the parties involved, THEN the problem could simply be allowed to dissolve. 1. The new wife is valued and supported in her wifely role by the man. He continually reassures her that she is doing fine, and he has NO interest in going back to his prior relationship. 2. The ex-wife assures the new wife that she supports the new wife's relationship to her ex-husband. She either shows that she is no threat to the new wife by BEING in a happy relationship with a new man, OR, if she must stay single to accomplish her goals, she must demonstrate in some convincing manner, that she has no interest NOW and will have NO interest in the future in her ex-husband. This may be difficult to do. 3. The children must be told what is going on in a calm manner. Your stepmother is afraid of losing her marriage to your father when you say that you want your father and I to live together again. If the children are very young, this isn't skillful, as they can only become upset by this sort of strife. They won't understand why they can't get what THEY want, which is for their mother and father to create a happy home life for them. If the children are old enough to be told about this problem, then they can be told how to help minimize the new wife's anxiety. They can be encouraged to speak positively about the things that the new wife DOES manage to do. If she cooks for them, they can be instructed to thank her for this service after every meal. This may seem stupid, but you might be surprised at how a little appreciation can go a long way to easing someone's mind about their position and status as a newcomer to a situation. Children are notorious for doing everything that THEY can to KEEP the newcomer feeling uncomfortable. 4. A frank discussion with the new wife about how children behave this way is needed. She needs to be told that neither parent of the original couple will be fooled into believing that she isn't a great wife for the man, and that nothing that the children say will cause HER marriage to be placed in jeopardy. She may not believe this for a while, but if it is repeated frequently, she may have her fears calmed somewhat. 5. Another discussion of what is best for the children should be undertaken as soon as any progress can be made on the other areas. If the people involved are SO unskillful as to be unable to resolve the lies and deceits in a practical and short term manner, then the damage being done to the kids must be considered. If the woman is determined to sabotage the kids mental health, destabilize the family, and damage the relationships of the kids to the natural parents, then she may be capable of winning this conflict of interests (which doesn't really exist, except in HER mind). The husband must cooperate with the process of reassuring the new wife, or it probably won't be effective. IF it comes to the point where you run out of options, and can no longer have joint custody with your children due to the lies and distortions, (your son IS probably cutting himself, but probably due to not knowing HOW to deal with the conflict that he feels when the new wife attempts to convince him to act a certain way so that SHE comes out on top), then you might consider the possibility of simply forgiving everybody, and walking away from the situation. I realize that you would rather die than give up, but if you have LOST, and if your children are being damaged by your fighting an unjust position, and if you have as little control as you state, then HOW are you going to put things to right? I am going to guess that IF you spend a few months reassuring the new wife of her position and status, and IF you talk with your ex-husband about the best way to help her feel safe enough to stop her from lying to your joint children, and to support his wife in the way that she is evidently NOT getting, and IF you talk with your children about how THEY can help YOUR cause by learning some tact with the new wife, that you will be able to make some progress toward your goal. If you charitably manage to inform the new wife that you understand her situation, and that you regret that she feels so strongly about keeping you out of her life that she is willing to damage the children in the way that she is in order to do so, and if you inform her that IF she refuses to stop damaging the children, then you will consider giving up custody if it will give the children a chance to avoid further damage by her hand. Showing your primary concern for the welfare of the children will raise your cause to a noble standard. She could very well be shamed into reversing her action, if things are handled skillfully enough. What you might be able to arrange, is for a neutral 3rd party to hear all 4 sides of the problem, (your's, your ex's, her's, and the kid's), and point out the most skillful problem resolution possible. I have been reminded by my guidance that there IS a technique that has been widely successful in stopping warring events. It may offer you a better solution than my imagined suggestions. I don't have all the facts, after all, and cannot offer a complete solution. You may do better solving your problem in your own way. Non-violent communication is a process being developed by a man who refused to participate further in violent acts against other human beings. Look up his work online, and see whether or not any of his techniques could be used in your circumstance. His name is Marshall B Rosenberg, and the relevant website is: www.cnvc.org The theory, which certainly seems to be viable, is that "If any two people can understand one another's viewpoint well enough to be able to clearly state it back to the other person, then they can create a workable solution to their problems in 5 minutes or less." The assertation may seem incredible, but it COULD take weeks, months or YEARS to get the two parties to stop reacting long enough to settle down and LISTEN to the other person's point of view for LONG enough to be ABLE to understand what it actually IS, (and NOT what they THINK that it is), and be calm enough to say it back to the other person for feedback. Once this takes place, resolution is relatively easy and painless. It is a LOT of work to get to that point, but the results MAY be worth it to you!

Answer 2

legally there is nothing you can do. morally you can try to communicate with your ex maybe in a public place and see if you can reason with him that there is no over all benefit from this behavior. if he really cares about the children maybe you can shed some light to the damage he is doing and confusing them. depending on the ages of your kids you can set them down and re-interate your love for them and let them know you will always answer any questions that they are confused about due to his influences. if it gets too bad there is family counseling where everyone can participate in an controlled setting.