Jokes for stand up comedy

Answer 1

I once knew a stand up comedian so funny he could make the dead laugh. In fact, he would practice and hone his routine in the morgue and late at night during the graveyard shift you could hear him telling his jokes to corpses periodically saying things like: "Hello, hello? Is this mic on?" Sometimes he'd harass the dead with insults, but he stopped doing that after he did that on the same night Don Rickles was brought to the morgue. My friend was mortified. He admired Don Rickles greatly and felt like a fraud, trying to insult the dead. As for me, I don't really like to tell jokes. I certainly don't tell ethnic jokes, I don't tell sexual jokes, and I don't tell sexual ethnic jokes. It's not that I have anything against jokes...some of my best friends are jokes. Are there any jokes in the audience tonights...raise your hands...oh look, over there...you sir, you're a joke? God Bless you sir, and how old are you? How long have you been a joke, sir? And you, madame, you're his wife? Bless your heart...did you marry him because you're a joke too?...That's sweet. So, this marriage is a joke then? Any children?

The funny thing about jokes is they're only funny when people are laughing. Nobody finds a joke that people don't laugh at very funny. It's rare that I can tell a joke that is funny, so I just don't tell them. Well, there is this one joke but I can't tell it here on WA because it would be a violation of the terms I agreed to abide by, so as far as anyone who reads this is concerned, I don't tell jokes. Want to hear a really good joke? My life! That's a really good joke. I'm telling you this now, because I'm currently unemployed and have too much time on my hands. I used to work as a telemarketer where I would call people up all day long so they could tell me to get a real job. So, here I am, working as a cybercomedian, standing up on a digital stage, refusing to tell jokes because my life is a joke...hello? Hello, hello? Is this mic on?

I'd use this routine, but I don't have the stomach to beat a dead horse. If you beat a dead horse in the forest and no one else is around, does it still not make a sound? Here's a joke: The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, 'Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.'

'Well, in plain English,' the doctor replied, 'you're just lazy.'

'Okay,' said the man. 'Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.'