Can a person who often gets annoyed or upset at the smallest things and becomes distant even unkind to others change and be better?

Answer 1

Judging from the soon-to-be-x-husband and his mother's similar behavior to what you are describing, my answer would be NO -- unless they are confronted about their behavior and choose to do something about it. From my 17+ years of marriage to an abusive man, who was often annoyed, upset and "gave me the silent treatment", but did not do this to others, is again, NO -- they will not change unless they choose to recognize how they are.

The behaviors you describe have two (often unconscious) aims in mind:

1. To control you by being frighteningly unpredictable

2. To minimize intimacy between you two.

is needs to control (control freakery) and to avoid intimacy are not going to change. It's too late for that.

Changing one's emotional responses and behaviour is extremely difficult.

Even where poor behaviour is recognised and there is a willingness to change, it takes a great deal of work and conscious effort over an extended period of time to even begin to change our way of being in this world -- and in times of stress we resort to familiar patterns of behaviour and responses.

Don't hold your breath waiting for change.

In my case, I want a complete separation from the abusers environment.

Stalkers and the Borderline Personality

The Borderline Personality

In recent years psychologists have learned about and done case studies on a new personality disorder which the DSM-III-R classifies as an Axis II disorder- the Borderline Personality . This classification includes such personality disorders as the Anti-social Personality, the Histrionic Personality and the Narcissistic Personality. Several psychologists (including myself) diagonosed my stalker as afflicted with the Borderline Personality. Characteristic of the Borderline (derived from research done by Kreisman & Straus, 1989) are:

a shaky sense of identity

sudden, violent outbursts

oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

brief, turbulent love affairs

frequent periods of intense depression

eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

Not much research has been done on the Borderline Personality, and for many years it was difficult to diagnose- and to treat. A Borderline often feels as though his/her life is marked with a distinctive emptiness; a void in which a relationship often acts to fill. Many times the Borderline is a victim of an early dysfunctional family situation and/or emotional/physical abuse by those he/she trusted early on in childhood.

The Borderline is psychotic , in the original, psychological meaning of the term: he/she is not in control and not in touch with reality. To the Borderline, a softly spoken word of advice can be construed as a threat on his/her emotional stability. An outsider's viewpoint that the Borderline is not in touch with reality often ends in a bitter and irrational dissassociation from the outsider on the part of the Borderline. Often, the Borderline ends up very much alone and victim to his/her disillusions.

The Borderline stalker is very apt to see his/her actions as perfectly justified; he/she has paranoid disillusions which support these-often with disturbing frequency. The Borderline often has brief love affairs which end abruptly, turbulently and leave the Borderline with enhanced feelings of self-hatred, self-doubt and a fear that is not often experienced by rational people. When the Borderline's relationships turn sour, the Borderline often begins to, at first, harass the estranged partner with unnecessary apologies and/or apologetic behavior (i.e. letters of apology 'from the heart', flowers delivered at one's place of employment, early morning weeping phonecalls, etc.). However, the Borderline does not construe his/her behavior as harassment- to the Borderline he/she is being 'responsible' for his/her past behaviors.

The next phase of the Borderline Personality develops relatively quickly and soon he/she feels suddenly betrayed, hurt, etc. and seeks to victimize the estranged partner in any way he/she can Strangely enough, this deleterious behavior is always coupled with a need to be near or in constant contact with the estranged partner . While sending threats to the estranged partner, it is very common for the Borderline to begin to stalk his/her estranged partner in an effort to maintain contact. This effort is motivated by the excruciating fear that the Borderline will end up alone and anger that [the estranged partner] has put him/her in this position. We are finding, in many cases, that a great deal of stalking behavior is associated with Borderline or related personality disorders. Earlier research did not incorporate the Borderline Personality in stalking profiles; research now is beginning to focus on the Borderline in such disorders as Erotomania, etc.

Answer 2

Yes, it is possible for a person to change their reactions and behaviors with concerted effort and self-awareness. Seeking therapy or counseling can help identify underlying causes of the behavior and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Practice of mindfulness and self-regulation techniques can also aid in managing emotions and improving relationships with others.