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Teenage girl named Bella's mother remarries and goes on the road, leaving her only child in the hands of her father with severley underdeveloped parenting skills.

Girl cries and mopes around.

Even though she is genuinely a pretty boring person, all the guys hit on her and I guess she has a couple of annoying friends.

Then she sees this one guy, Edward and his family that all seem to have a vague aura of constipation surrounding them constantly.

Their eyes meet across the cafeteria while he contemplates the meanings of life and souls and general other vampirisms.

Anyhoo, by a strange yet somehow totally predictable coincidence they end up in the same class and low and behold, the only seat is the one next to this mysteriously beautiful dude (though if you've seen R-Patz, I think you'll agree that what he most resembles is the underside of a foot).

He sniffs her I guess (creeper?) and then goes 'uhhhh' and scoots away on his stool.

He runs away and then comes back, I presume having had some kind of epiphany that no, Bella wasn't this plain, smelly girl, but obviously that he actually loved her. I mean, what other conclusion is there?

They talk for a while and eventually she finds out that he is a 'vampire'. (let records show that I wrote vampire like that because I am still unsure whether sparkling in the sun instead of exploding and burning and vegetarianism really fit with the traditional definition of vampire)

Rather than being terrified by the fact that, at any moment, he could kill her and drink her blood, she finds him even more romantic and interesting. The fact that he regularly breaks into her house and watches her sleep apparently does not disturb her as it would a psychologically sound individual. She finds it sweet.

So then I guess these normal (human-eating, but unfortunately still sparkling) vampires come into town while the Cullens are playing Baseball (every vampires favourite pastime) and try to kill Bella, and Edward risks his and the rest of his familys life to save this girl he's known for like three weeks (which some view as romantic but I find, slightly reckless).

They kill this guy James and I think his girlfriend swears a vendetta against Edward personally, even though he wasn't the one who killed James, it was his brothers, or something.

There was this other guy with James but tbqh, he serves no actual purpose.

At the end, as if dating a highly dangerous mythical creature wasn't enough, she asks him to change her into one, too. He refuses, saying it is to protect her or something but I think it's because he couldn't face an eternity with her and really, who can blame the poor guy?

Don't even get me started on the other books.

This, of course, is all how I, personally, view it.

Hope this helps dude, but if you're looking for a book to read, try something with an actual plot, viable characters and a storyline that doesn't make you want to cry.

Read Harry Potter.

Also, If I were a vampire, I wouldn't spend eternity graduating various monotonous high schools.

You're Welcome ;)

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13y ago

What else can I help you with?