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Potter Puppet Pals: Snape's Diary

Hermione: Where's Harry?

Ron: I don't know, I can't feel when he's not around.

Hermione: I hope he gets back soon so we can play wizards' Sudoku or something.

Harry: Oh my god, look what I found!

Ron: Is that a book?

Hermione: I know a thing or two about books, and that's a book.

Harry: It's not just any book, guys.

Ron: Is it a Young-Adult-Vampire-Romance novel?

Ten seconds later

Harry: Anyway, I just happened to find this book in Snape's bedroom in a locked trunk under his bed. It's his diary!

Ron: Whoa, shall we read it?

Harry: I've got a better idea. Let's read it!

Hermione: Oh, what a fascinating character study this'll be!

Harry: Okay, this is the first entry: Dear Diary…

Snape: Today I ate some oatmeal for my breakfast. It was flavorless and watery. I thought of my mother. I cried.

Ron: I'm hungry.

Harry: What else is new, fatty? Let's get to the good stuff…

Snape: Today I put on my raincoat and traveled to Knockturn Alley. I purchased a pair of fancy mice. When I brought them home, one devoured the other and then died of loneliness. I felt envy.

Harry: This is hilarious!

Hermione: Oh look Harry, I see your name!

Ron: Ooh, you're good at reading, Hermione-

Harry: What?!

Snape: Today that Potter boy showed me his middle finger. When I attempted to punish him with detention, he shoved me into a wall screaming, "bother, bother!" over and over. Later he and his orange friend repeated the vile attack until I lost consciousness. Tonight I prayed for the first time in twenty years. I prayed for the end.

Harry: I remember that, Ron! Give me five!

Ron: You already took my money, Harry.

Harry: Never mind.

Snape: I lost a button on my cloak today. Minerva pointed it out in front of the entire faculty. Oh, cruel attention… Button oh button, oh where hath thou fled? Did thee tarry too long amongst fabric and thread? Did thee role off my bosom and cease to exist? How I wish I could follow thee, into the mist…

Ron: What is a bosom, Harry?

Harry: Umm…

Hermione: Yeah, tell him, Harry.

Harry: Oh look, another page.

Snape: Today, while in the bath tub…

[Harry, Ron and Hermione simultaneously]: Ew!

Snape: …I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I was riding a thestral through a thunder storm. Every thunder clap resolved into… their voices. 'bother, bother…' suddenly, it became music. I was at the Yule ball with Lily Evans. I asked her to dance; she asked me to die. Would that I could, Lily; Would that I could…

Harry: My mum was awesome!

Snape: …when I awoke, my skin was prune-like from the tepid bath water. And I was late for golf with Lucius Malfoy.

Ron: Mm, I like prunes!

Dumbledore: Did somebody say prunes?!

Ron: I said prunes! How did he know?

Dumbledore: What are you monkeys up to, studying for class?

Harry: No, we're invading Professor Snape's privacy by reading his personal diary which we stole from his room.

Dumbledore: But you don't have any prunes, do ya'?

Harry: I'm afraid not.

Dumbledore: I am very disappointed then you, Harry.

Harry: Okay, back to the stinky book!

Snape: Today the orange-one accidentally drank one of my more expensive elixirs. He promptly vomited a glittery rainbow of foul waist. The classroom erupted with applause, triggering my migraine. I aborted the class and was left to clean the boy's sick. Half way through Argus Filch showed up and bragged about his many affairs with Hogsmead bar-maids. Then he told me I smelled of broccoli and left without wishing me a happy birthday. Later I noticed my bottle of sangria was gone. I settled for a cup of coffee, scolding my writing-hand at the process and spilling it on my pants. I walked to the hospital wing, covering my wet spot with a book. Madam Pomfrey laughed at me and made me wait while she treated a student's runny nose. After an hour it became apparent that she had forgotten about me, so I returned to my room and found that I had locked myself out. I called for Filch, who turned up covered in lipstick and clearly having finished the sangria; he broke open my door and laughed at me, punched me in the shoulder to hard and left me alone. I thought of my father. I cried.

Harry: This got boring. Let's write a new entry!

Ron: That's a really fun idea!

Hermione: Here's one of the quills I carry with me at all times!

Harry: Okay. I am Snape. I'm so sad because I poop my pants all the time. I don't have any friends because I stink like broccoli and poop. I teach potions to Harry Potter and it's really boring 'cause he's so cool, and makes me have depression. Okay, I think I'll go cry now, but not before I poop my pants. Bye.

Ron: Ha ha! Can I try?

Harry: Be my guest!

Ron: I… am… S…

Hermione: Okay, Ron, that was a good try.

Snape walks in

Snape: Hm… somebody knocked me unconscious and ransacked my room… hey wait a minute, that book! What are you doing?!

Harry: Snape, Ron stole your diary!

Snape: What?! You didn't read it, did you?

Harry: Oh, he read it alright. He read it all!

Snape: This is unacceptable!

Ron: I liked the story about the button, Snape.

Snape: You… you did?

Ron: It made me sad, thinking about that little button, lost and alone… I hope you find your button, Snape.

Snape: So do I, orange-one, so do I…

Ron: I like buttons!

End.

I wrote this myself by hearing.

*this is updated now with the extanded version of the video, found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_UMdBzP48M&playnext=1&list=PL6A2A7D9237F82C4A. it's way funnier than the short one*