How do you turn straight if you're gay?

Answer 1

Short answer: you can't. Being gay isn't a choice. Being gay is like being short or tall, it's part of who you are. You can't change who you are. If you are gay, you must learn to accept yourself. If there is someone gay in your life, don't try to change them, just love them for who they are.

Another view:

Sexual orientation is more fluid than most tend to think. There are likely MANY causes for gayness, some of which may be inborn, while others may be cultural in nature. Some people even consider sexual orientation as a whole to be a social construct. Keep in mind that the goal is to become healthy and whole, regardless of what form that takes. If you are not comfortable with being gay, then you owe yourself the opportunity to admit that to yourself and examine other possibilities. Everyone should have full autonomy in their lives and have the right to do things that others disapprove of or think are risky. This type of therapy should be accepted as much as sex-reassignment surgery. Either way, it is the person's life and body, and others should respect that, even if their choices are unpopular.

As ironic as it seems, reparative therapy uses all the same components and techniques as gay-affirming therapy. At the core of either, if it is to work, is self-acceptance. If your real self is not gay, then accepting your real self is a major step. In that case, you should probably come out as straight -- but only if you are committed to making the necessary adjustments. Sure, some will try to fix you up or sabotage your efforts. They may be well-intentioned, or they may hate that you know what your right path is. Just remain firm as you make it clear you are serious about your intention. If nothing else, tell them it was a phase. Just don't act self-righteous or condemn them.

Before you embark on such a path, be certain why you are doing so, and that it is for the right reasons. The goal should never be to become someone else, make someone love you, keep from being disinherited, fear of burning in Hell, etc. Even fear of STDs is no excuse to be someone you are not, since the appropriate remedy in that case would be to practice safer sex. The point is, if you embark on this for the wrong reasons, you will surely fail.

Then you should take up a spiritual discipline. You will need the strength and the fellowship as you battle your desires. But do not embark on this road out of supernatural fears. Protestant Christianity says to accept Christ into your heart as your personal savior -- nothing is said about sexual orientation. You might shed your sexual orientation when you come to Christ, or you might not. Either way, that is not the point of Christian salvation. Of course, you could just pray or meditate privately. Or you could adapt the 12 steps of recovery to this if you want.

Therapy of some sort is good, but if this change is your goal, it will be tough finding a therapist who will help you as you desire. With some luck, you might find a therapist who is middle of the road on this in that they only have orientation therapy and leave the outcome of that up to the patient. If you cannot find such therapy, then you might be able to tailor your own therapy program. You would try to find a therapist who will let you bring the goals you want. For instance, if you suffered abuse or are not assertive as you would like, you might find a therapist who will let you work on those things. If they turn things to your current sexuality, you can always find someone else. Of course, maybe you could find good friends or a minister to talk with, if nobody else.

Then you need encounters where you are forced to make non-sexual friendships with members of your own sex. Very often, there is an estrangement between someone and members of the same sex. Maybe peers of that gender made fun of them or called them names. Maybe they couldn't ever live up to their father's expectations, or they thought of themselves as being better than their father. Or maybe there was a problem with sports and being bullied or teased because of your performance. So the goal is to learn to accept your own gender more, and learn to have friends in ways that don't revolve around sex. When someone misses that sort of connection, it may cause them to have sex with members of the same sex to try to fill that void and act as a substitute.

The biggest tip is to expect failure and not beat yourself up. Twelve-step programs are said to only have a 30% success rate. But alcoholics don't have to face the opposition like people with unwanted sexual attractions trying to overcome them must face. If you try this and fail, you can give yourself permission to go back to how things were. There is no reason to feel guilty for trying a different path and finding it was not for you.