What would you like to do?
There is a great black comedy called "High Heels" with Jean Paul Belmondo and Mia Farrow, about a man who would seem to fit all NPD criteria who swears by only choosing "homely" women ... it rang a little too true for comfort.
It seems to me that often the more narcissistic among us tend to gravitate towards what they perceive to be "flawed" partners (overweight, plain, disabled), in order to feel secure, not least with their own sense of superiority.
On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face � the other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test.
Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore, the parameters of the personality of the survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.
First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound to abandon the narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself � while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The partner is, thus, placing himself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her partner, being superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, financially).
The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life with the narcissist is, as far as the partner is aware, a just punitive measure.
In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent upon the source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) � the partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are at the very core of narcissism.
The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist (in whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.
My n thinks that he must have the most beautiful woman, and if I am not perfect he is not very nice. He had an ex girlfriend that was big and he made fun of her and talks about the faft he deserves so much better. Why did she ever think I could love someone like that. Awful things. In my experience they want the most beautiful and perfect person, but it may be different for others.
My narcissist was an equal-opportunity-user. It seemed like whoever met him owed him a contribution to him for being charming and special. It worked on everybody. The more selfish and desperate he became over the years his choices in partners weren't as choosy. Nowdays, it seems like he'll hook-up with anyone for awhile, but people in his life burn-out fast. Sure hurts my ego that "the special look" I had was probably that of an unsuspecting mark.
For the narcassist men they want a hot looking woman but once they get her they feel its threat. They often will chose not so attractive in order to completely use and discard them. But a good looking woman is a threat as they know she will probably be on the lookout for somin better.
Yes. You've got to scratch up to an image he can handle. Remember, you will be hanging around with him for a while so he doesn't want to be shamed. Mind you, if you forget to pluck those eyebrows or your roots need doing he will tell you in a crowded restaurant or in a check-out line-up if need be. If he has a tan, you will have to have a tan. If he swims, you will have to swim. He will always smell nice and be adorned with jewellry. His appearance will be perfect and you will have to keep up to the point where you will feel like the uglier twin.
Good lord yes! It seems to be the main criterion! But also a narcissist will take over your appearance after awhile. Mine loved to shop, but it was so he could pick out my clothes. He made me and the girlfriend who came after me color our hair deep black. He nagged me about make-up. He picked out lenses for my glasses. He went as far as to start combing my hair for me when I made him stop. They don't always go for what society deems conventional beauty, but they are very very vested in the appearance of their partners, and they are looking for a specific thing. They tend to repeatedly pick out people with certain looks that they like. This goes for their close friends as well as the significant other. They like to have friends that compliment their look. If your appearance changes, you will hear a lot of complaints and a narcissist might actually leave you over this issue.
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Answer I feel badly for you! Narcissists are difficult to work with and they feel their way is the best way and seldom take the advice from others as I'm sure you have …found out by now. They (in their own mind) stand on a white tower above all others and in their own minds think they are much more intelligent and "put up with the rest of us." The only way you can beat this business partner is to gauge the important things you need to have done in your business and be one step ahead. Re-read the contract between the both of you and see what decisions you can make without your business partner. Hope you left a few loop holes in that contract. If this doesn't work and is too stressful on you it's best to try to get out of the contract with this partner. You can also sell out half the business if it's profitable for you to do so. Narcissists take such a great deal of energy away from people, so really think about this and if it's worth you remaining with this business partner. Good luck Marcy Lessons From My Personal Experience... It depends on what you mean by "deal with". What do you want to happen? He/she leaves the partnership and business? He/she continues to work in the partnership? You leave the partnership? What is the current state of your relationship with your business partner? If there is no open hostility between you (ie everything is "good") then consider: * Actively manage his/her ego to stay under their radar and buy yourself peace and time to think, plan and mitigate their damage to the business. * Seriously plan for the end of the relationship. It will end. One day, it is inevitable that you will disagree on several things in a row - and that will spark the end. Life is too short to work with a narcissist. My ex-business partner nearly drove me to suicide. Several years after leaving him, I am still recovering from the damage to my self belief, esteem and confidence. * Review all your contractual agreements, client and supplier relationships. What are the areas of movement available to you? * Start building relationships with all your clients and suppliers so he/she is not the only person they are connecting with. This can minimise the manipulation and any misrepresentation. It can even identify bad/illegal practices. My ex-business partner was sexually harassing a client's staff member, and I did not find out until after I left him. * Narcissists can delude themselves into believing some action is legal when it isn't. My ex-business partner once tried to give clients kick-back payments in order to secure large contracts. He thought it was perfectly legal. * Make sure you have the power of veto on critical decisions. Exercising this of course, will cause him/her to explode and the relationship to rapidly deteriorate. They see all disagreement as personal attacks. My ex-business partner wanted to spend all our profits on large billboard ads and complex information systems because they appealed to his ego, not because they were relevant to the business. * Make sure your profit sharing agreement is water tight AND you are receiving regular payment. If/when the relationship breaks up, you may get nothing, even if you have an agreement in place. My ex-business partner not only did not pay me a cent (despite an agreement), but went further to construct all manner of petty reasons why I was lucky he was not demanding I pay him to leave the business! * Make sure you physically have in your possession what is rightfully yours. Including payments, salary, reimbursements, and property (intellectual and physical). Possession is 9/10th the law - use it. If/when the relationship breaks up, and he/she finds themselves in charge of property that is yours, they will be able to justify not returning those property to you. * If the business produces intellectual property, make sure you have your name as the author on things you have created. The first thing a narcissist will do will be to claim ownership AND authorship on everything. This happened to me. My ex-business partner suddenly became the sole author of everything I produced. * Make sure your responsibilities to the business are clearly defined on paper, and are evenly divided and acknowledged in payment etc. When I left my business partner, he point-blank refused to acknowledge any of the extra work I put in to the businesses. * Use a qualified therapist who knows about narcissism. This may or may not improve the relationship. But it will give you a knowledgeable third party to fall back on should you need to provide evidence of bullying or how his/her narcissism has damaged the business to shareholders. * Using loads of ego strokes and praises, you may be able to cajole him/her into a graceful and calm exit of the business. I know of at least one company who went as far as setting up a completely separate company so as to move a narcissistic partner into. Once he is ensconced in the new company (because he was such a brilliant strategist etc etc etc), and when he has happily handed across all the existing client accounts, the parent company then quietly cut all contact with the new company and left it to its own devices. Needless to say, the new company soon collapsed through sheer incompetence. If you are in open conflict with him/her, this makes the situation much harder. This was the situation I found myself in. By the time I realised I was stuck with a narcissist, he had done me so much psychological damage I could no longer think clearly. What is your current emotional state/health? Are you feeling strong and confident? Or are you feeling devastated and depressed? If you did not pick up on his/her narcissism soon enough, he/she may already have done some damage to your confidence. Remember that narcissists are very good at transferring all blame to you, undermining your self belief and self confidence, and making sure that you take full responsibility for everything bad. If you are still strong and confident, it makes taking steps to deal with him/her easier. If you have taken significant psychological damage, I would strongly suggest you get out of the relationship ASAP to protect yourself. At the end of the day, nothing is worth being the continual victim of a narcissist. How to leave (or what I would do if I had my time again): * If you are in control of the finances, pay out all salaries, reimbursements and entitlements ASAP. Don't do anything illegal of course. Left undone, the narcissist could delay everything as a power-play, or maybe left everything undone because work is usually beneath them. * Tell all your clients. File all the requisite paperwork with your regulatory agencies. Don't wait. He/she won't do it. Denial is something they do very well. As soon as I left, my ex-business partner disappeared overseas for a long holiday. He told no one. Not even clients. A year after I left, I still had government agencies chasing me for paperwork and payments! * Take everything that belongs to you home. Now. Don't leave anything you are not prepared to lose in the office, or in locations he/she could get to. Take computer files as well (but treat these ethically of course). * Do a proper handover to him/her. At least one of you can do things properly and in a mature fashion. But don't expect him/her to read or follow your instructions. * Cut off phone or face to face contact. Use emails only. I found it far less stressful. You do not want to put up with someone screaming at your, or calling you demeaning names in public or on the phone. * Get an ethical accountant and lawyer. My ex-business partner tried to get our accountant and IT provider to do unethical and illegal things post my departure. He tried to get my shares signed over to him, and copies of my emails without my consent! A narcissist is ALWAYS right in his own mind. And when he is right, he is also acting perfectly legally. * Document all emails and phone conversations. Keep a time-stamped diary of everything he/she says and does. If you choose to sue him/her, or if the regulatory agency comes down on something he/she has done, you need to be able to produce evidence to protect yourself. * Get a good therapist. Seriously. It is one way to take care of yourself. Don't expect a narcissist to give you closure on the matter. The matter may remain unsettled for years because they will only act when they are ready. And in the meantime they will continue to project blame and responsibility on you, and play they self grandising, self righteous games. * Know when to cut and run. Sure you may lose some money. But you do not want a matter to remain unresolved for years. My supposedly simple exit (according to our reasonable and ethical accountant) was supposed to take 2 weeks. He managed to drag it on for almost 2 years by constantly changing his demands and ignoring communications. And this was after I had left him with a profitable viable company! He was acting as if I owed him. Such is the mental state of a narcissist. * Don't expect him/her to understand or see or care about your point of view. They are incapable of doing so. It is a mental defect. They are also amoral, so there is no point in expecting them to act morally. * Don't expect any thanks or acknowledgment. They are the true genius begin the business and they did all the hard work. You should be lucky they let you help a little! I lost a lot in that business. It was my dream business. It worked. But the partnership did not. It was defective because he was a narcissist. He got everything in the business. And within 6 months, decided to shut it down. Supposedly he had always intended to do this. Go figure. A narcissist does not operate rationally. They are totally self-obsessed. They don't care for anyone or anything else. Don't expect them to behave like normal people because they are not. I hope sharing this experience can help someone out there. I really do.
For the same reason cult leaders do. They don't want any "voices of reason" undermining their plans or their quest for control. They don't want any family members, friends, cl…ergy, etc. to get in the way of what they are trying to achieve. Its easier to brainwash someone if your voice is the only voice they ever hear. ~ T I like this question because it signifies a Narcissistic control tactic that overpowered me. I am no longer with the N. I was the one who called a halt to a relationship that was totally governed by him...in fact the only control I ever did have was severing the relationship point blank. My partner isolated me in every fashion he knew possible...this does not mean that he enjoyed my company when he had me in his clutches. On the contrary, although my dedication to him was total, at the cost of injuring all other worthwhile relationships, he was never satisfied with me, per se. He would constantly belittle my actions and comments, would tease me about my appearance or 'suggest' I make changes to same; continually gave me instructions on how best do the most mundane tasks that I had been capable of doing since birth, tormented me about my driving skills, kept on asking me to speak up ("I can't hear you"!); nastilly ran down my children, mother, siblings, friends (and cats) and outlined the shortcomings of each individual and how they were doing wrong by me; would ignore me for lengthy periods of time until he had a few drinks whereby afterwards he would become all cutsie and uncontrollable (this pattern assumed itself day in, day out); never once bought me a birthday or Christmas present but made a hoopla about each occassion when it related to him; refused to have any physical contact for days; arranged each of my days according to his plans; sulked or became furious if I altered any arrangement made by him; questioned every phone call I received; left me stranded in foreign places when he was angry and left me to find my own way back (to home, hotel, camp site etc); intentionally ogled other women; made outrageous promises that he never kept; ignored me when I was hospitalised with a serious condition; hell...the list goes on. For months I believed that him wanting me 'to himself' was a sign of affection. Anyone who understands how Ns work will acknowledge how I believed this. My relationship went from one of total control with isolation to desertion. The N travelled the globe for a year, alone.On his return it took him days to contact me and when he did it was only to ask for my help with something that would benefit him...I knew it was time to go. When Ns isolate you you become dependent on them and their way of life...it takes a while to adjust back into the real world after leaving an N but if you can actually make the break and resume normal life again you will rejoice and celebrate it with so much vigour that ideas of being back with the N will assume the status of nightmares. Trust me...you can leave! Isolation is about power and control. It is also about the perpetrator having a low sense of self esteem. I counseled a woman whose husband took their phones out of the house as he was leaving for work. They lived in a rural area and she did not have a car so she was completely isolated. I also worked with a perp who put his wife's car on blocks for the purpose of isolating her from family and friends.
Answer From the research I've done lately, including reading this forum, I'm understanding that they will return if they cannot find another source of narc…issitic supply. Although we ache when they choose to walk away from us, is that really the way we want it to be? Having them continue to walk in and out of our lives, using us for their own needs without giving?
There are many services available for individuals in these situations such as shelters etc. Call or go to your local YWCA or womans shelter in your area they will help y…ou in all aspects as well as if you have children. Your spouse will not be able to contact you or find you unless you leave a trail - you must leave and not turn back as soon as possible!!! Codependency is something that is very difficult for you to change, especially on your own. You need support, to be reminded that you can find someone better. You can be reminded that he is not a good person, and you can move on to enjoy a much happier life. Don't give up, find the support that you need and utilize it in the way which is best for you.
you'd have to tell us more about your partner. Is Your Partner a Narcissist? Answer True or False # He loves accolades, compliments, and recognition. # He exagg…erates his achievements. # He brags about his prowess as a lover and expects you to lavish praise on his performance. # Nothing is ever his fault; he can justify just about anything he does. # Anything you can do, he can do better. # Anything you know, he knows more. # He's charming and attentive with people in positions of power. # He likes to associate with popular or important people. # He doesn't have much time for you because he puts so much energy into his job or a hobby. # He takes pride in his appearance and is well-groomed. # His eyes scan the room when you're talking. # He can be cold and dismissive to those he thinks are less important or of no use to him. # He doesn't notice if you aren't satisfied after sex. # If you disagree with him, he disregards your opinions. # He expects you to always look good. # If he doesn't like what you're wearing, he criticizes you. # He plays mind games, alternately acting committed and distant. # He demands what he wants, whether it's the corner office or the best table at a restaurant. # He expects people to cater to his whims, wants, and needs. # He twists all of your arguments to make you seem like the guilty one. # Even if he is in the wrong, he'll act like he's the victim. # If things are going wrong in his life, he blames anything and anyone but himself. # He can be mean and insulting. # He's a bit of a flirt, or you've heard others refer to him as a "player." # If he feels someone has put him down, he's likely to lash out. Scoring Key: Count the number of true statements. 8 or fewer: Keeper He's a regular guy whose ego lies within normal limits. Yes, he may sometimes be boastful, especially if you answered true to items 1 to 6. And true answers from 7 to 10 mean he might be vain-or simply an ambitious man on his way up the corporate ladder. "A person can display a few narcissistic traits, but not have a full-on personality disorder," Buehler says. "Our culture breeds these qualities. Think of the audacity of some American Idol contestants!" 9 to 19: Braggart "This is a person who is moderately full of himself," says W. Keith Campbell, PhD, associate psychology professor at the University of Georgia and author of the book When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself. The key is, he explains, to evaluate how your guy is narcissistic in the context of his overall character. For example, true answers to items 11 to 16 indicate a disturbing lack of empathy and compassion. But false answers to those statements indicate that his positive traits override his grandiose tendencies. 20 or more: Egomaniac Watch out! Your partner might be a full-blown narcissist-especially if you answered true to many questions from 17 to 25. These statements point to a sense of entitlement or aggression-the nastiest components of narcissism. "In that case, you have cause for real concern, and he could get worse," says Campbell. "If it were me, I would run like hell, especially if you see signs of violence, infidelity, abuse, controlling behavior, or anger."
They need someone who is as focused on them as they are on themselves. So they'd be better off with someone with really low self esteem, or just someone who is a… real giver, and wouldn't mind never getting anything in return.
So you feel sorry for them so you think he/she is so open and honest. To get your trust so you let down your barriers so they can find out your vunerabilities and then p…lay on your vunerabilities as a way to manipulate and control you.
For many reasons: Narcissism present a false image to others (and even to themselves)- butter wouldn't melt in their mouths in public but behind closed doors they are abusiv…e dragons. They will abandon you for various reasons; 1) one could be to show everyone that they they left you because you are the problem and not them. They love transferring the blame onto the other partner. 2) They are also afraid that their partner is going to show them up for who they really are to the world, their family and friends. They cannot have that their poor false image will get tainted hence they'll abandon you before that occurs to save their image and again lay blame at your door. He regards and treats people as though they were objects: exploits and discards them. He mistreats people around him by asserting his superiority at all times, by being emotionally cold or absent, by constant bickering, verbal humiliation, incessant (mostly unjust) criticism, by provoking uncertainty and by actively rejecting or ignoring them. All his interpersonal relationships are deformed and sick. The longer the relationship - the more it is tinted by the pathological hue of narcissism. In his marriage, the narcissist recreates the conflicts with his Primary Objects. He is immature in every walk of marriage, sex included.
A narcissist from what I read and I have read a lot has no self image. Is very shallow and surface all appearance and no substance. Appears haughty and confident but is …really very insecure. Fears people will see how worthless they really are. Build false notions of themselves to impress but do nothing usually. They feel entitled to things without working for them just for being. Require special treatment. They want to be noticed, notorious. If have children often don't see them as individulas but how they can be of use or reflect on the Narc. Often serve as narc. supply that they must secure to feel adimred, alive. They usually have no real friends. Will get enraged at real or percieved rejection. Often are very different in private with loved ones then in public. Their image means everything and no one outside their cult will usually know how nasty they can be unless they get rejected or embarrased then it may come out in public. Family members cover up for their nastiness and are confused by the contradictory way they act with them alone and in public. They feign modesty, shyness to create a image at the time if it serves what effect they are trying to achieve. Don't talk about hopes, dreams, their feelings or others either for that matter. Everything is I, me. Will withhold affection to punish, control. Rarely ask about others or show emotions unless for effect. Can appear very cool under sad situations because they are so detached from feeling adn appear capable adn calm but it is theydon't feel sad.
Narcissists seek revenge for everything. * you telling the truth about them * exposing them * questioning them * getting rid of them * arrests * restraining o…rders * blocking their emails Do some searches on "Narcissistic Rage" They seek revenge for anything that goes against their twisted versions of reality. Yes, I've read a lot about narcissists after having the misfortune of knowing one. She was only a friend, thank god, and so the best way to deal with her was simply to cut ties and ignore her without any confrontation. She gave up pretty quickly once she realized I would not give her any attention, and she soon moved onto her next victim. Some of my friends had told me I should have confronted her for the awful things she did (e.g., trying to hook up with my boyfriend behind my back), but it was my instinct to simply cut ties and ignore her, and now I'm glad I took that route because I read recently that narcissists will try to destroy you if you confront them, call them out, or punish them directly. It's like you are challenging their make-believe world where they are king and they therefore must destroy you in order to keep their self-absorbed fantasy intact. So I would assume that your ex will be seeking revenge for the arrest; you should do everything possible to protect yourself and any children involved (restraining order, seek full custody, etc.). And if possible do not initiate contact with them under any circumstances, and do not believe them when they play sorry to try to get you back. If you must interact with the narcissist because children are involved, keep it very limited and strictly professional; the more attention they can get from you the more difficult they will make things for you. By withholding attention, you will drain their energy and they will be forced to move on and leave you alone. My heart goes out to you; it was devastating enough on my psyche having a friend who was a narcissist, I can't even imagine how horrifying being in a romantic relationship with one must be.
"Without a doubt. All narcissists make sure they have multiple partners. That way if one partner doesn't work out (as in just give give and give some more to the narcissist un…til their is nothing left to give) the narcissist can move on to his next victim. The narcissist I knew well use to say he was the 'king' of picking up women. He said it was a hobby of his to collect numbers because he was so good at it. He told me that he would get several numbers in a day and that made him feel special. The only thing he had going for him was his looks and he knew this so finding multiple women to have sex with and use made him feel like he was God's gift to women, and he would tell you just that. They are not capable of having monogamous relationships nor do they want to. They need as many victims as they can get. To them collecting as many phone numbers as they can get is like a heroin fix to a drug addict." I totally agree with this answer if you are referring to men that are narcissist. But what about the women who can be considered narcissist? I'm no expert, but I don't think these women are incapable of monogamous relationships. Generally speaking they may have more partners over their lifetime as compared to other women, since they may get bored a lot faster. That alone does not mean that they would not prefer monogamy.
Once you recognize that your partner has that personality disorder - If you choose to stay with him or her - you must protect yourself. Do so by reading up on the disord…er - and UNDERSTAND what you are dealing with - read what the experts advise how to protect yourself. And do it. Remember that the narcissist is not going to change. YOU must understand that and change yourself - protect yourself. Remember always that your partner is not going to change. Ever. Good luck.
Not likely. The narcissist is more likely to be addicted to himself.
detach emotionally and leave Or stay and agree and be his/her slave you have to choose
as in "throw pies at her"? It's not the favoured method of humiliating people in real life but I suppose it could happen.
I think narcissists get bored with their lovers or partners, when that person no longer excites them as they did in the first flush. To an addictive personality like a narciss…ist, the first kiss, first sex, first time thrill of getting someone in bed is absolutely crucial to them, like water to a plant They cannot tolerate sameness, once the excitement in a new relationship wears off. In the normal world, we cannot constantly have an adrenaline fuelled high of falling in lust and love but the narcissist thinks we should, and seeks it out all the time. I know, I have just been dumped by one. It was a terrible experience and my self esteem was bottom of the pit. I realised he was getting bored with me over time. Nothing seemed to please him, he lost his temper with me and also criticized my body. By the way, he is 60 years of age so there is no hope it will ever change. He told me in not so many words he had found someone who could excite him again. He did not have the courage to tell me out right. He left without a word, and just texted me from somewhere ages after, and toldme that he was overseas. When he returned, he just told me he was unable to meet up as it was 'difficult'. The difficulty was that he had moved in with his new lover. I am still recovering. I lie awake at night asking all the usual questions, but it doesn't help. Am seeking therapy now. Genna
From my own experience a narcissist will never change. Theyre emotional vampires, never happy however much another person tries to give them.