Are narcissists especially choosy about the physical appearance of their partners?

Answer 1

There is a great black comedy called "High Heels" with Jean Paul Belmondo and Mia Farrow, about a man who would seem to fit all NPD criteria who swears by only choosing "homely" women ... it rang a little too true for comfort.

It seems to me that often the more narcissistic among us tend to gravitate towards what they perceive to be "flawed" partners (overweight, plain, disabled), in order to feel secure, not least with their own sense of superiority.

On the face of it, there is no (emotional) partner or mate, who typically "binds" with a narcissist. They come in all shapes and sizes. The initial phases of attraction, infatuation and falling in love are pretty normal. The narcissist puts on his best face � the other party is blinded by budding love. A natural selection process occurs only much later, as the relationship develops and is put to the test.

Living with a narcissist can be exhilarating, is always onerous, often harrowing. Surviving a relationship with a narcissist indicates, therefore, the parameters of the personality of the Survivor. She (or, more rarely, he) is moulded by the relationship into The Typical Narcissistic Mate/Partner/Spouse.

First and foremost, the narcissist's partner must have a deficient or a distorted grasp of her self and of reality. Otherwise, she (or he) is bound to abandon the narcissist's ship early on. The cognitive distortion is likely to consist of belittling and demeaning herself � while aggrandising and adoring the narcissist. The partner is, thus, placing himself in the position of the eternal victim: undeserving, punishable, a scapegoat. Sometimes, it is very important to the partner to appear moral, sacrificial and victimised. At other times, she is not even aware of this predicament. The narcissist is perceived by the partner to be a person in the position to demand these sacrifices from her partner, being superior in many ways (intellectually, emotionally, morally, financially).

The status of professional victim sits well with the partner's tendency to punish herself, namely: with her masochistic streak. The tormented life with the narcissist is, as far as the partner is aware, a just punitive measure.

In this respect, the partner is the mirror image of the narcissist. By maintaining a symbiotic relationship with him, by being totally dependent upon the source of masochistic supply (which the narcissist most reliably constitutes and most amply provides) � the partner enhances certain traits and encourages certain behaviours, which are at the very core of Narcissism.

The narcissist is never whole without an adoring, submissive, available, self-denigrating partner. His very sense of superiority, indeed his False Self, depends on it. His sadistic Superego switches its attentions from the narcissist (in whom it often provokes suicidal ideation) to the partner, thus finally obtaining an alternative source of sadistic satisfaction.

My n thinks that he must have the most beautiful woman, and if I am not perfect he is not very nice. He had an ex girlfriend that was big and he made fun of her and talks about the faft he deserves so much better. Why did she ever think I could love someone like that. Awful things. In my experience they want the most beautiful and perfect person, but it may be different for others.

My narcissist was an equal-opportunity-user. It seemed like whoever met him owed him a contribution to him for being charming and special. It worked on everybody. The more selfish and desperate he became over the years his choices in partners weren't as choosy. Nowdays, it seems like he'll hook-up with anyone for awhile, but people in his life burn-out fast. Sure hurts my ego that "the special look" I had was probably that of an unsuspecting mark.

For the narcassist men they want a hot looking woman but once they get her they feel its threat. They often will chose not so attractive in order to completely use and discard them. But a good looking woman is a threat as they know she will probably be on the lookout for somin better.

Yes. You've got to scratch up to an image he can handle. Remember, you will be hanging around with him for a while so he doesn't want to be shamed. Mind you, if you forget to pluck those eyebrows or your roots need doing he will tell you in a crowded restaurant or in a check-out line-up if need be. If he has a tan, you will have to have a tan. If he swims, you will have to swim. He will always smell nice and be adorned with jewellry. His appearance will be perfect and you will have to keep up to the point where you will feel like the uglier twin.

Good lord yes! It seems to be the main criterion! But also a narcissist will take over your appearance after awhile. Mine loved to shop, but it was so he could pick out my clothes. He made me and the girlfriend who came after me color our hair deep black. He nagged me about make-up. He picked out lenses for my glasses. He went as far as to start combing my hair for me when I made him stop. They don't always go for what society deems conventional beauty, but they are very very vested in the appearance of their partners, and they are looking for a specific thing. They tend to repeatedly pick out people with certain looks that they like. This goes for their close friends as well as the significant other. They like to have friends that compliment their look. If your appearance changes, you will hear a lot of complaints and a narcissist might actually leave you over this issue.

Answer 2

No, not at all. They have no real 'standards' as you'd imagine. They are extremely fussy about who they are seen with!! But sex behind closed doors, they'll do it with anyone and anything.