Does an emotionally abusive person feel a need to find closure at the end of a relationship?

Answer 1

If you are looking for closure from the abuser, it cannot be expected. Better to resolve to forgive the behavior and move on with your life. I am not saying to forget the behavior and go back, but you can forgive and not let the bitterness of the injustice touch your new life. Life is short--it is much better to do self enriching things than to remain in the past.

I took a Divorce Recovery class run by the Catholic Church, which was a weekend. There were several small and large group activities that gave me peace. An important part of emotional abuse is the abuser's refusal to grant his victims closure. Abusers are forever - or at least until they find new victims or are scared off by the police/courts.

Speaking from my present situation (the abused), my abuser cannot accept the fact that we are no longer a couple and that I am no longer living with him. I have recently sought couple counseling so I could reach some kind of closure for myself as well as for him. Yes, an emotionally abusive individual absolutely needs within his/her mind to come to some sort of closure. This is because, abuse is a form of power and the cycle of power is disrupted if they are cut off from those they abuse. This is because there dominance cannot be asserted when there is no one around. I think they certainly want closure, but may be unable to attain it, in many cases (it would mean looking in the mirror). My abuser became a stalker, and he stalks me still, after many years since I ended the relationship with divorce. I am coming out of an abusive relationship - emotional, verbal, sexual to the degree of forcing my boundaries - but the ex-boyfriend of three years is the first to say "but I never hit you"...true, but the above, plus pushing, biting and physically blocking me from leaving the situation are just as bad.

I have realized that my feelings in the relationship were eroded away as he became more and more erratic in the last year, so closure for me was finally making the demand that he leave my house, and telling all my family and close friends what was happening. I am done with the relationship and want to get on with my life. And that apparent emotional withdrawal from the ex has made him even more erratic; he cannot understand at all why I ended things, but he is now making comments such as "I knew from the beginning it wouldn't work out", "I'm a college graduate and you're not" (as an excuse why he is a better person than me and therefore shouldn't be with me).

However, the ex calls and wants to have a conversation to gain "closure"...he truly was blindsided by the fact that I ended the relationship, and even if we did have a conversation would never accept any of the reasons that I present for doing so. So I know that his idea of closure will only be to reassure himself that I'm insane and he is lucky to be rid of me. At this point, I don't care what he thinks of me, and certainly don't feel the need to put myself at risk by meeting him. For anyone that has left an abusive relationship, please consider very carefully any decisions to help the abuser gain "closure"...for them it is all about control, and agreeing to any of their "needs" only puts a person under their control again in their minds.

God Bless all of you out there dealing with an abusive relationship... I don't think abusers want closure. If they were to give you closure that would imply they are "giving you permission" to get on with your life. They want to be tied to their victims and if all they have left in terms of power is to not grant you closure then they will deny that. My abusive ex wont grant me closure and i think he wants the door open. He doesn't want to hear or see me be logical. He doesn't want to give me that. I am confused. Every time I have tried to get closure he ignores me....then in a couple days comes back. This time I want closure and its over for good. But now hes ignoring me. I will have to accept that i wont get a nice conversation and wish you well type thing, he will try again to come back so i will have to accept that the closure i obtain is within me to know i am moving on.... I think my abuser had a need for closure, but he just made up his own reality for himself. What I mean is nothing ever was his fault from the beginning, so when I ended it -he just made himself believe he ended it because I was abusive, etc. I just ended my abusive relationship a few days ago, and since then my abuser has called my house over 20 times. He has also gotten friends and family to call. He doesn't want closure, he just wants to get me back so he can continue the abuse. He is completely baffled as to why I left and refuses to believe that he was emotionally abuse. He thinks his behavior is "okay" because this is how he was brought up. I assured him that just because he was brought up that way doesn't mean he can't change his behavior, so then he said that I made him this way. Typical. I'm fighting off his frequent calls and messages as best as I can until he returns to school (from suspension) on Wednesday. Then I guess I'll alert the school counselor that he will be harassing me upon arrival.

I'd just like to say that anyone who is currently in an abusive relationship, get out of it. First detach yourself from him as best you can (put away things he gave you, etc, so you can't find them for comfort); this will make it easier to leave. You may think it is impossible to leave, but just try to get out as soon as you can. You'll be better off. They never realize the error of their ways. I think it is presumptuous to say"they never change their ways" We will if we care and are humble enough. I changed and am attempting to be available for her to see my change . It might take a year, maybe 3 yrs, but i love her and respect her for the courage and strength it took to leave. Today I am a better man because of her. Well then that's good, and you're rare. Most men don't ever recognize their behavior as abuse, and therefore do not seek help. "Does an emotionally abusive person feel a need to find closure at the end of a relationship?"

It is about control and demented mentality "if I cannot have you no one will."

In giving the benefit of the doubt which was mistake number one. I sought closure and discovered the abuser used this to maintain contact with me.

Now, I don't want his or their apology or anything from him. I want for him and his religious world to leave me the hell alone. It is disgraceful how I have been mistreated and had to even ask for an apology in the first place over the course of 3 years with no avail. So, now the abuser(s) have no purpose for staying in contact with me and I want for them to stop stalking me because they have nothing I want not even their apology.

I will never understand how deranged some men become over a woman they can never have. It is frightening to be the object of someone's obsession.

How can you love someone and want to be with someone under these circumstances?

Best Wishes.. The closure my abuser needed was to tell anyone and everyone that I was mentally ill, making most people I knew doubt me or look at me oddly, not let their kids play with mine anymore, etc. It has been 3 years and we share a child, so we will always be "together". His closure was the way he discarded me as anything of value after I left him. Not the mother of his child, not the woman he spent 6 years with, nothing. I was looked upon as useless trash (more so than when I was with him). I thank GOD for every day I have that I don't have to live with that man, his brand of abuse was so poisoning. I am glad I am free. "I don't think abusers want closure. If they were to give you closure that would imply they are "giving you permission" to get on with your life." Exactly!

Abusers instinctively sense that their victims often yearn for peace, for freedom, for closure - and refuse to give it. The worst of them envy and hate their victims for having the ability to use such things. (Many sociopaths get bored easily and are hooked on the stimulation that they derive from bullying others). As my intensely abusive ex once said with a horrible glint of glee in a strangely perceptive moment, "It's a *power* thingy". Abusers are not looking for closure at all, but regaining control over their victim. Abusers like complete control in their bubble of life. They often feel they are better than the victim they are with and push that in their face, but the reality of it is they don't feel they are who they should be as far as gaining status in society and that is part of their rage. They are not as self confident as they would have others believe. Some come from an abusive background while some are hungry for success and will climb over, squash or back-stab anyone that gets in their way. Abusers come in all forms ... executives, lawyers, doctors and other professions right down to the blue collar worker. All races can be abusive. An abuser can be shaped at anytime in their life from school, working and it's usually due to the feelings of rejection or being pushed too hard to achieve too much.

Abusers are actually spineless and they know it and that's why they pick on a victim that could be shy, loving and a pleaser. Not bad qualities at all, but it's an easy mark for an abuser.

ANSWER

There are some very insightful comments posted here. So i won't repeat what has been said already. I will approach this from a different angle. Whether or not an abuser finds closure is irrelevant. I have no interest in the abuser's needs nor do most people who read this. The only closure possible would be for the abuser to make true and sincere amends to his/her victims. Of course whether the abuse survivors accept it or not is up to them. In the end, it really doesn't matter what the abuser needs are.