(Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder is something that can only be identified by a mental health professional who has examined the person in question. Other than that, "narcissist" is a word meaning "loves oneself excessively" and is susceptible to varying interpretations.)
A Narcissist is someone who takes their self-esteem from the way others view them. Their personality will therefore center around how he or she is viewed.
Narcissism looks like this... Your partner treats you and perhaps your children very different in private than in public. In public he may ignore you giving all of his attention to others, or pretend to be the perfect husband or father, while in private he may be sarcastic, haughty and insulting. He may put people down behind their back. He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn't worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true. This can fool people and so few of them will believe how he talks to his family in private (I say 'he', because I write from our experience, but there are plenty of abusive women with narcissism). He may also show little or no regard for your well being or your feelings.
Unfortunately that's not all...
He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour. You probably have no idea of all of the lies he is telling you and the bad things he may be saying about you to others ...
If he makes fights when you try and talk about money he may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you and his narcissism will cause him to pretend these fights are your fault.
Many narcissists are obsessed by the fantasy of an ideal relationship that is 'perfect' (and therefore fantasy!) and are skilled liars. So if the above symptoms of narcissism describe your partner, you should also be aware that he may habitually have secret crushes on other women, be having affairs, using pornography habitually, and/or conducting 'cyber' affairs (while lying that he is single) all without you having any knowledge of this. If you notice that your partners mind is often somewhere else, and they show narcissistic tendencies, this could be the reason. This obsession with his own inner fantasy life is part of what makes him unavailable, impatient and cross with you. It is a major symptom of the disorder.
Not all people with narcissism are physically abusive, but it is also a significant indicator that you will wind up being part of a domestic violent marriage. The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either. It is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down. It is normal after years of this treatment, (especially if you discover that they have been lying to and cheating on you) to even want to kill them or wish them dead, so getting the right help and support is very important, and can be very hard to find.
There are very few people who understand narcissism or believe there is any cure, and those who say to 'leave and have no contact' are giving you very dangerous advice. If you want to leave, please get advice first on how to do it safely.
Trying to diagnose someone with a disorder is not a really a good idea when there are many who will then say that you must divorce them and have no contact and that there is no cure.
If your partner displays this behaviour it is not important to figure out the correct diagnosis, what you need to do is take steps to protect yourself and save your marriage before it is too late.
My husband was diagnosed NPD and yet still he got better and we have a great marriage now. We help partners of narcissists save their marriages too.
WRONG. The correct answer is - you can not recognize a narcissist. At least not a smart, experienced narcissist. It is a matter of survival for them to not let anyone know there true nature. (See note at top of page)
Get far, far away from that person. Leave the state if you have to. There are places that an abused woman can go to get help. Don't wait thinking he will change. It can only get worse. Check your area (or the info below) for a battered women's shelter near you.Ten Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
1-866-331-8453 (TTY for deaf/hearing impaired)
Free cards printed with the above available from Jennifer Ann's group through JenniferAnn.org
Fight Teen Dating Violence!
To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore -- are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.
There are three important categories of abuse:
The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.
Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment -- human and physical.
The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" -- another form of control.
To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects -- not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other -- is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.
Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.
To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind -- being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!
In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:
More input from WikiAnswers contributors:
Then, as the relationship continues, the abuse begins to manifest as jealousy in an extreme sense and misplaced anger is constantly targeted at you. He has a stressful day and you are blamed. Some miscommunication occurs and you are always the one who is at fault in his eyes. Any sense is lost from your conversations. The conversations begin to revolve around the other personï¿½s ego and not offending it becomes a primary concern for your survival.
As the relationship continues the abusive partnerï¿½s emotions become the all-important focus of the relationship. Trying to avoid his or her wrath becomes your primary concern. Just as he couldnï¿½t respect your boundaries at the beginning, he still doesnï¿½t understand the boundaries between youï¿½his emotions become your worst nightmare. He no longer protects you from his mood swings. He yells and screams at you and calls it love. However, you know that you donï¿½t feel love and you lose your sense of safety. He says that he yells and screams because he feels so passionately about you. He denies wrongdoing and blames the abuse on you. You know in your gut that your sense of well being is being compromised and that you are not being treated with love and respect.
Then come a slew of indignities. If your sense of well being felt compromised earlier, you will feel more indignity and disgrace by the end of the relationship than you ever thought you would allow yourself to feel. Public humiliation: yelling at you at a cafï¿½, embarrassing you in front of your friends, alienation from your friends, constant tyranny. If the relationship continues physical abuse will surely follow. the horrible cycle only ends when you say stop to the humiliation, the self-disgrace, the indignity and all the other insults.
The sooner you realize what is happening and the sooner you can act decisively, the easier the process of leaving will be. Fly away if you have to: just get yourself to safety. If you live near him, MOVE FAR AWAY. The hardest part is leaving, but it is also the most crucial part for both of you. You have to stop believing that you can help him and start believing that you can help yourself. I did. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it--heard this before? To stop enabling his behavior is the best thing that you could do for him as well. If you feel bitterness, resentment or a sense of vindictiveness, don't let him see it: acting out on these emotions in a secretive or covertly combative way will only perpetuate the cycle. Remember that your primary concern should always be your own self-respect, not getting even. Redirect this energy to do positive things in your life. Do artwork or start running. Take charge of yourself with all of the energy that you have discovered. Go to therapy because you donï¿½t want to be in the position of the abused or abuser in the futureï¿½both are an indignity. Be with yourself and like yourself again. Love yourself the way your partner couldnï¿½t: be kind to yourself. You will be fine by yourself; however, you certainly wouldnï¿½t be fine if you stayed with him.
- They will always find a reason to criticize you - no matter what. If you offer them a reasonable explanation for the source of their criticism they will tell you that you are only making excuses for you incompetency, laziness, unorganization. Remember that no matter what you do - YOU CANNOT PLEASE THEM. It is better that you ignore their criticisms as best as you can and continue to do things the way you think they should be done. I know from experience that this is very much easier said than done. One thing that has helped me to stop continually seeking acceptance from my abusers is to remember that each time you seek their approval - you are knocking on a closed and locked door.
- An abuser wants control over your life. They want to control all the finances. They want to make sure that you have as little independance as possible and that you have to ask their permission to use and spend any money. Every purchase must be justified and fit their perception of what is "necessary". They will justify this by calling you a "spendthrift", "irresponsible" or outright telling you that since you did not EARN the money - you have no right to decide how it is dispersed. There are days when you feel that the beggar on the street has it better than you. Find a way to earn your own money. If you are a stay at home mom look for a way to work at home to earn some money of your own. Do it as disceratly as possible because as soon as the abuser finds out that you are actively seeking financial independance - he will do whatever it takes to sabotage it. The same occurs when you try to continue your education. Take classes when you know he is not at home and find somewhere to hide your materials.
They want to control your relationships. Abusers always resent any time that you spend away from them. If you are close to your family they will make nasty comments about any amount of time you spend with them. Abusers tend to get angry if they see you talking on the phone to relatives or friends. They will tell you that you do nothing but waste your time, that there are other things you should be doing - but what they are really afraid of is that you might tell someone WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON IN YOUR HOME. The more that they can cut you off from outside relationships - the safer they are from detection. Abusers tend to be very charming in front of and towards family and friends. How many times after a spouse has been brutally murdered do relatives, friends, and neighbors say, "We never thought this would happen - he was such a NICE guy!" At the first signs of abuse - TELL YOUR FAMILY - TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. Even if you have let it be a secret for a long time - start telling people that you trust. With each person you tell - you will feel more and more liberated.
They want to control how you spend your time. This happens most with stay at home moms. An abuser feels that he is doing you a favor by "allowing" you to raise the children yourself and will tell you that frequently. He also feels that because you are at home - every domestic responsibility is completely yours and is a way of paying him back for this glorious opportunity. An abuser is angry if he witnesses any kind of relaxation - if you are watching TV, if you are reading a book or magazine, if you engage in any kind of hobby. He will tell you that you should have better things to do and will look for things to criticize in order to prove his point. An abuser will not offer to help in any domestic duties and if he does - he is again "doing you a favor" or "making up for you apparent incompetency". The expectations of the abuser are unattainable and leave you feeling "worthless" and "incompetent". You will then give up the things that you love to do for the sake of peace but you also lose a part of yourself. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GIVE UP A NORMAL PLEASURABLE ACTIVITY BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DOES NOT VALUE IT. The abuser views outside interests as a threat on his control. Remember - the goal of the abuser is to strip you from any INDIVIDUALITY. The result is stripping someone else of their HUMANITY.
- An abuser degrades you by calling you names: "incompetent", "worthless", "stupid" are just a few. There are other words I have personally heard that I dare not repeat because they are so vile.
An abuser will tell you that you do nothing right. An abuser will tell you that you are insane and need professional help - my answer to that - "Who wouldn't be living with someone like YOU?" when anything happens - such as a car repair for example - an abuser will tell you that you are to stupid to even drive a car right. My dog was recently poisoned by a malicious individual and less than a half an hour after I buried her - I was told that I was too dumb to even take care of the dog - that I must have done something to kill her. To an abuser - the accusations they make about you DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE SENCE - THEY ARE SAID ONLY TO HURT YOU WHEN YOU ARE MOST VOLNERABLE. The sad part is that they will always believe that their accusations are true even when presented with evidence that they are not.
- All the above pertain to emotional and verbal abuse - now for the physical. NO ONE - EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT, PUSH, SHOVE, KICK, OR PUNCH ANYONE.
- MOST IMPORTANTLY- AN ABUSER IS THE WORLDS BIGGEST LIAR! They are so used to lying about almost everything that they believe their own lies. an abuser will NEVER admit the truth completely - they will NEVER take full responsibility. And when they really feel threatened that they are going to lose control over your life - they will lie and manipulate and even threaten you too keep it. NEVER BELIEVE AN ABUSER'S APOLOGIES AND PROMISES TO CHANGE. Remember that they are only sorry until the next time that they will be sorry - AND THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT TIME.
The best analogy I have come up with to define the cycle of abuse is this: YOU ARE ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND. SOMETIMES YOU MAY CHANGE HORSES BUT IT IS THE SAME OLD MERRY-GO-ROUND. SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND COMPLETELY.
You need to tell your family about your situation. You need to leave this man. Just pack a bag, walk out and leave. Perhaps you can move in with your family. Or if you do not have that option you can go to a women's shelter where they will help you get back on your feet. I know this is terrifying but this is the first step in helping yourself. You are the only one that can help yourself. Other people can comfort you and lend support but you have to be the brave one to make the big step. You do not deserve a life of misery. You deserve happiness. You will get out of this - take one day at a time - have faith in yourself.
It is so sad that you have lost your friends and have been stripped of your identity by this man.
I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for just under six months. Fortunately, the man in question has not moved in with me, so it has been easy to make the break.
I have continuously hoped that M would become the man that I first met. Kind and loving, but this is not the case. He would tell me that he doesn't love me, but would still want to see me. He would seem to take pleasure in telling me that he has no feelings for me or care. When I was on the verge of leaving him, he would pull me back and tell me that he did have feelings. He would often fly into a rage over something so minor as me wanting to go home, if he had fallen asleep.
When introducing him to my friends, I found myself completely tense. If he was not flirting directly with my friends he was telling them how much he did not love or care for me. When I would react to this, I was the one left feeling that I had created the situation, that it was all my fault. I remember going to a church, crying my eyes out, begging the lord to make M forgive me for something I had not done.
My recent communication was deeply upsetting. I was told that he did not want to see or speak to me. No explanation given, only that I am pressurizing him.( I had not contacted him for the 3 weeks he was out of the country. When I appeared upset, asking for an explanation, I was told to stop acting like a child, simply because I was expressing some form of sorrow and emotion. He decided to hang up on me at this point.Only to ring me a few seconds letter, telling me not to contact him, that he feels that he is losing control and that he would contact me some time!
In a way, he has done me a favour. I realise now that I need to find my life again. I have fallen out with a number of my friends, convinced that they had encourage his flirtatious behaviour, lost my motivation to continue developing my business, because I would spend the best part of the day discussing with friends and analysing the relationship, to work out where I was going wrong; seeking ways of resolving his anger and moodiness, trying to find ways of resolving his unhappiness. And hopefully start to regain my self-esteem after he would often make reference to other women in a sexual way.
Silly things also spring to mind. If he wanted to see me and I could not, I would suffer. As he would avoid me for a few weeks, failing to meet me if we arranged an alternative date. He was also starting to criticise me, became sarcastic if I did not fully follow something he was telling me.
Even when first met there was a sense of being stalked. He had to leave the country the following morning after we met. During his holiday he continually pestered me with text messages, asking me if I was missing him, whether I would collect him from the airport. On his return, he had difficulty contacting me via phone, and one evening left an angry message on my mobile asking me why I was not answering. Alarm bells started to ring at this point, but I chose to ignore them preferring to see that he was tall, dark and handsome who seemed to want to shower me with attention.
My advice to you is making the move will give you the chance to regain your position in life. That first step will be hardest, but the most vital.
I completely understand your position. I totally adored my boyfriend, but during the last phone call from him, something snapped inside of me. He was his usual abusive self. I was feeling vulnerable and he knew that, so he chose to hurt me by telling me that he had no feelings for me, that I keep contacting him and placing undue pressure on him.
This was not the case, we simply had an arrangement to meet and he had failed to contact me about not meeting. All this was part of the abuse, not calling to tell me his change of plans while probably psyching himself for the torrent of anger and abuse. He of course blames me, telling me that I turn him into an animal, interesting theory but fortunately, I feel strong enough to take a step back and realise that he has the problem, not I.
Leaving him is the best thing for him and me. Deep down I really feel that abusers do feel some sense of shame and embarrassment. I know that my ex does. It is almost something inherent in them that they cannot control, an illness that won't be healed for as long as the abuse is going on and you are prepared to take it. So in a way, I am doing him a favour by leaving him as I hope he can reflect on his destrutive behaviour, take ownership, and seek help.
If you really feel love for this man, and in a funny sort of way you probably will realise that it isn't love, once you establish distance, be the first one to make the move. Take control over the situation, the relationship is destructive and ugly for both of you.
Try and make contact with the friends you have lost, and be honest with them. Tell them why you have not been able to see or speak to them.
Try and overcome this fear, because it is just that, fear, that is stopping you from moving forward. Your partner is probably just as afraid as you, but don't be sucked into that. Don't feel that you have to protect him from any pain and unhappiness.
I truly believe that abusive men and women are emotionally unhinged. They are the one's who suffer the most. You can one day walk away from this and reclaim your life again with the aid of friends, therapy and most important of all self-respect. The abuser's life is never an attractive option, because for all their faults, they too have a conscience, and have to live in the knowledge that they have inflicted so much pain and misery on someone they apparently love.
So many people have suggested that the abuser convinces themselves we are the cause of their abusive behaviour however, if you were to give them some distance and space to at least see that this is not always the case, this could in some way help them to change themselves for the better.
As the man above who bravely left his wife, who frankly sounded like she need the mental health assessment, you too could do the same. Recognise that you are frightened, but its just the fear, that freakish annoying emotion that is trapping you and so many of us in our lives. But some of us allow it to win and others defeat it, you can be one of those who looks fear straight in the eye and tell it to get lost!
Start the process of recovery. Maybe get in contact with your friends and family first to gain their support and a temporary refuge until you find a home for yourself.
I promise you that once you do this, you won't remember your partner for the person he used to be in early flushes of your relationship, but the controlling monster that he has become. And for some reason you will probably view him with complete contempt, when you event
Young, but yes I have been in a abusive relationship.
If your being abused, get out. Cause you may love him/her,
but if they loved you, they wouldn't hit you.
Get out of it.
he clearly doesn't love you as much as you love him. just tell him to get lost and if he tries to hurt you because you're getting out of the relationship, then tell someone. the cops, or a friend, or just someone who can help. make up an excuse but get yourself out because you deserve better and there is someone better for you out there.
Get a plan and get out. Need help coming up with a plan? www.ledbettercoaching.com
EEOC -- Employer Equal Opportunity Commission
The domination and control by either partner in a relationship, whether abusive or not, is contrary to the personal rights of an individual. Where this relationship meets the needs of one or both, it is often enabled or tolerated. But it can lead to psychological trauma and violent situations. (see the opinions below)
OPINION : SUBMISSION VOLUNTARY OR INVOLUNTARY?
Some folks say it's "not a bad thing" to be submissive. YES, there are MANY women who do like submissive roles, either consciously or subconsciously, but that doesn't mean they are happy.
In abusive relationships, the abused often has been under abusive conditions for so long that his or her mind has twisted the story until he or she believes that he or she is at FAULT for the abuse, and that the abuser has the right to abuse him or her. This is not good because the abused person is being hurt not only by the abuser, but also by his or own mind. This twisting of reality does not mean anything about the abused person's intelligence; rather, it is the mind's search for a reason for the pain (inner or outer) he or she feels.
The situation can be very dangerous for the abused person because it may lead to damage directly imposed by the abuser, or indirectly by causing suicide or other self-inflicted damage.
OPINION - ARE MEN ALWAYS THE ABUSERS
BOTH of these characters are stereotypes, and stereotyping people is also wrong. Because pretty much only the stereotype man is abusive. And pretty much only the stereotype woman is submissive. And pretty much only the stereotype woman will suffer and take all the abuse. In real life, there are also dominant/abusive/controlling women.
Although the solution is often stated as, "If you are in an abusive relationship, get away. It is the only solution."
However, this is sometimes an oversimplification, because the interpersonal relationship between any two people is complex, and cannot be classified as simply right or wrong, abuser and abused. It may require a dispassionate, trained counselor to recommend a course of action that will be beneficial for either partner in a marriage or relationship.
Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delay the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling, and so this is a step which has to be taken by the abuser, though support always helps too.
Some personal experiences;
They will often use sentences like the following, to try and lay the guilt on you:
"What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse"
By definition, an abuser does not recognize their behavior as being abusive. When challenged on this they engage in the following behaviors:
- DENIAL The abuser denies the abuse. They may say that the incident never occurred, that you are blowing things out of proportion, that you do not see the incident as it really occurred. They may even accuse you of being too mentally ill to recognize reality. They might say that you are in a "different world". Sometimes, as ammunition in this denial process, the abuser will bring up third parties who believe that he is the best thing since sliced bread to prove his point. The truth is that it is the ABUSER who is in another world. All attempts at being him or her back to this one are fruitless - they have created this world for themselves because without it - they are nothing - and they will not give it up for anything.
-FINGER-POINTING An abuser always shifts blame for his or her actions and behaviors to the victim of their abuse. This goes along with this little world they have created in which everyone else in the world is wrong - but themselves. Therefore, they make themselves believe that their behavior is completely justified - "if you have not set me off in the first place..." "If you would have just kept your mouth shut..." If you confront an abuser about his or her behavior you will always be the sole reason for that behavior.
- MANIPULATION In the beginnings of abuse - there are times that the abuser will manipulate his or her target with phony sorrow, empty promises of change, and even a period of affection, attention, gifts, and other tangible offerings. This is called the "Honeymoon Phase" in the cycle of abuse and it is the abuser's attempts to re-gain trust and control. But once that has been regained - at the first opportunity of vulnerability - the abuser attacks - bringing the cycle back to where it was before.
No one can change someone else's behavior because we all have a free will. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE A BLIND MAN SEE THAN IT IS THE MAKE AN ABUSER TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.
If you are a child or teen, and someone from your family abuses you, tell someone outside the family, like a teacher or friend, and if you can, a police officer. Try the police nonemergency number, which gets you in contact with the police station.
Most times, DO NOT expect the abuser to change. If you are married to the person, move out ASAP, with the help of domestic violence groups such as RAINN. You deserve respect and love everyday.
TO THE PERSON ABOVE ME, A FEMALE OF 22 YEARS OLD:
RUN! I'm 22 and you just described last year of my life ....a few weeks ago, I decided to leave him. Woke him up and told him about it ....He then run after me, and broke my wrist....You don't EVER want know how it feels when someone is manually breaking your wrist....I can't thank GOD enough for it not being my neck .... Please , Listen to what I say, LEAVE , and never return his calls ever again
As for the abuser - let's look at it this way. If the abuser punched a stranger in the face, what would happen to the abuser? Assault charges correct?
Why should anything be different if you're in an intimate relationship. Domestic Violence is a crime and should be treated as such. Those who abuse CHOOSE to abuse. They are well aware of what they are doing. Abusers are good at manipulating, playing the victim and blaming their behavior on you, their childhood or their general life. None of it is true.
They should be dealt with by the police & the prison system like any other criminal. They can have all the therapeutic interventions in the world, but the rates are very high for abusers to "fall back" on old behaviors. Take no excuse for their behavior. It's wrong, it's against the law & they are somewhere near the bottom of the pile when it comes to criminals.
However, IF the abuser's real problem is a personality order, such as "anti-social personality disorder" (ASPD) then you're on a hiding to nothing. Such people cannot "own" their actions and project such things on to those around them. For example, if they are aggressive and violent, they usually claim that *they* are peaceful and that *those around them* are violent. Everything gets turned upside down and inside out. If you are unwise enough to try to teach them a lesson, they will at best claim you are persecuting them. Get out of the relationship! Personality disorders are incurable. Often what "powers" such people is rage. Never have dealings with people who are just downright evil.
Some of the answers here are the reasons abusers do not seek help. The way I recognized it was after talking with my wife for a very long time (fight) I researched what an abuser was. The point is is that the abuser has to be willing to accept it. They have to have an open mind and only then want to seek help after they have accepted it. It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS PERSON AND AN ABUSER IS THAT THE ABUSER CANNOT OR WILL NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR - AND- MOST IMPORTANTLY - AN ABUSER ENGAGES IN THESE HIGH LEVELS OF LACK OF SELF CONTROL REGULARLY.
But the behavior will never change unless they hit a bottom, and the only way anyone will ever hit a bottom is by suffering the consequences of their behavior.
So, yes, you can get an abuser to recognize their way and change. It happens...that is why people seek counseling, read, and self-analyze. They see what they have caused and make the effort to change for the good. Just like posted above..."It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.ï¿½ If the changes take place then you benefit because you are now getting what you deserve, the respect and dignity you are owed by the person you once felt something good about.
DUMP THEM AND NEVER LOOK BACK, NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT MUCH!!!
- I don't agree with some these answers. There are instances where someone can change their abusive ways. It takes time and therapy, and if the abuser recognizes and resolves the issues they have within themselves, all is not lost. Will they regain the love and trust of their mate/spouse? That all depends on the other person. Some people can never get over the abuse. Some people can forgive and put the past behind them as long the abuser keeps up with the therapy and continues to show progress. Most verbal abuse can be based from a few things: abuse the abuser took as a child or even witnessed their parents doing so; low self-esteem; mental illness, etc... These things can be rectified by counseling and understanding by the abuser that they aren't thinking right. I'm not saying all abusers will change; some won't and you should get away from that person if the patterns continue. But anything can happen. Recognition and counseling is just the first step.
~I've been in a relationship or should I say an emotional rollercoaster for a couple months now with a guy who gradually demonstrated his abusive side. When I first met this guy he was all about showering me with compliments, flowers, gifts and favors...And this felt so good cuz I was just getting out of another controlling relationship. I saw no signs of abuse really toward me until about our second month of dating when he became enraged during an argument and started pushing me and squeezing me. Things escalated, police were called and he left with his things. I was actually admitted to the hospital because the next morning my neck felt as though I had suffered whiplash from the pushing and my dr admitted me to the hospital for xrays/Mri and a neck brace. Guess what I did? within 24 hrs I allowed this person who spent about 3 hours pushing me and calling me the worst names imaginable back into my life...Why? "Because I love him"...How lame is that? Since then I have found out that this person has a criminal past, has gotten me into legal trouble by affiliation, lies to me..constantly, sneaks my credit cards, takes money, borrows my car, takes steroids that turn him raging lunatic, just barely got a job after 3 months of being laid off, lives off me, does minimal things around the house, and continues this cycle where he gets mad becomes enraged, says awful hurtful things to me and about my mother and sister, threatens my life when I tell him he has to leave, threatens to kill my childrens father, oh, and I wouldn't want to leave it out how if the argument happens in a vehicle how scary that becomes... He does all this to me, leaves the house and then the phone calls and text messages begins with the "I am sorry's and then I love you's and please baby, please's" He even begs to see me and then becomes emotional with tears and the whole baby I am sorry I need you in my life and I need help with my anger and blah, blah, blah... And then stupid me....I believe him and then its good for the moment and then I start to see the fractures and the little tell tale signs that he's starting up again and then I brace myself for it. And I cant tell you why I hang on...I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be...I spend more time concerned about this relationship then living life, being a good mother to my kids, my job, my family, my friends and my well being. I walk through stores and I see other couples shopping and talking and normal and that's what I want... i just want to live a peaceful happy life because its our right to have and here I am messing around with this atomic bomb...and for what? I don't need him, I am attractive, I have a good job, I own a house and I have my own cars, so its not a monetary thing...Maybe its something inherit in us women where we want to fix them, You know be the one responsible for making these guys into better people, Sort of like mothering maybe...Its sort of a Co-Dependency I think. Here I am on what must be chance #15 and I promise, God willing and I have prayed about this, I will muster up the strength to put this man on the road and let him be somebody else's problem... All the morning coffee's, the I love you's, your the best thing that's ever happened to me and so on's and so forth's will not do it anymore, Life is to short for us to be doing this girls,(or guys) our lives or worth more than this...Its all just wasted time...and we have to move on and start experiencing how it feels to smile again.
I am 29 years old and I have endured living with my b/f for three and a half years. At first, he was very nice and loving to me and my family and I guess this is how it starts. Someone referred to it as the honeymoon phase and that term is exactly what it means, "a phase" because it soon ends. At first we would have petty arguments and he would say hurtful things about my family because he knows that really hurts me. Then it came to the point of constant name calling..names too degrading to repeat that would sink me into the deepest part of hurtfulness. He often beat me even when I was pregnant, he would even spit in my face (and this was worse that the beatings) because it made me feel like the lowest worthless person that he wanted me to feel like. He would threaten to kill me, bash my head on the wall and cut up all my clothes. I was so lost and confused with ZERO self esteem. After I had the baby he would call me a fat b***h in public and people would stare and I would cry but I never answered him even though I worked long tiring hours, took care of him and a baby, did all the housework, and did I mention I had to give him all my money. he never gave me anything really, maybe once a perfume but I did not care about that. He started hitting me in front of our daughter and she was less than two years old but understood it all and screamed in fear and I was too afraid to leave because he said he would kill me or my mother and kidnap the baby and I would never see her again and this is what I feared the most. AT ALL TIMES HE BLAMED ME and said I caused the fight or I pushed him to the edge. I kept it all from everyone . I would go to work like a zombie in space not knowing what will come next. The thing is I came from a good family and I dated guys before him but no one ever abused me verbally, physically or mentally and I did not know what to do because all my family lived in a different country. He loved to choke me whenever I had the courage to answer him or tell him he needed help. He said the cops and the court would never believe me because he knew the system more than I did. He loved to smash things and go in a rage. I later found out about his marijuana addiction that he hid from me..now I know where all my hard earned money went. I could not take it anymore and attempted suicide many times but could not go through with it because of the love for my daughter. I mustered the courage to tell my mom and she came and helped me get him out. He later started spreading nasty rumors about me that I was a wh*re and he left me because he found out. Now he is fighting me for our daughter. I left him about a year ago and he is still always around because he visits with our daughter but I wish I never had to see him. I have learnt that you need to open up to someone..do not keep what is happening to yourself. Even if you think he will kill you or you are too afraid..TELL SOMEONE who you trust and yes this is criminal action and should be treated as such. Do not stay for the kids sake because they will end up more screwed up individuals later in life. As women (or some men) we really love with all our hearts and we always want to find a way to make the abuser better, we try and try and get so exhausted and they keep getting worse and stronger and more evil and more in control. When I cried in pain..guess what HE LAUGHED AT ME! If you are reading this and you are in a similar relationship with verbal and physical abuse, please be strong and know you are a good person and deserve better. The people rarely change maybe with years of therapy and divine intervention but they have to want to and guess what THEY DON'T WANT TO..WHY? Because they live in denial and will never admit that they have a problem. don't waste time..choose to live a happy better life because one day you wake up and you are all banged up and ten years of your life (if you are still alive) has gone down the drain. Do not try to change these evil people. Do not hold onto false hopes and dreams because they fill your head with "I'm sorry" or "I love you's" or : I did not mean it"..it's all lies..Get out now!
Jesus people wrote a lot here! You can't always get abusers to acknowledge or even recognize their abusive ways. They are probably already denying it on some level, and they can continue to deny it or justify it. You can't make them see it. Sorry :(
Answer: Asking that question positions you to be eating right out of his hand. YOU are abusing yourself by keeping that person in your life. YOU need to see it for what it is. Him getting you hooked into his psychological landscape asking those questions is HOW abusers keep people as muses and scapegoats. Cut an abuser out of your life. See it for what it is. Love yourself.
I have found that recognising the severity of the abuse my parents caused me and the emotional ramifications of this is helping me come out of denial and realise that i was was abused and i am an abuser. Right now i am fearful that my siblings are the same, but i need to believe in change.
Hey...I am "improving" not sure how to actually answer. THIS POST helped me SO MUCH! ...I love the last paragraph saying don't get hooked into his psychological landscape and be their scapegoats! This is exactly what they do...we become in a way their doormats and they walk all over us. I am NO LONGER one. DO not believe them...it is NOT your fault..it is THEIR FAULT. Run away please!
You don't, probably. It's too painful for them. Seems like they'll see it when they're ready.
You need to remember and write down the reasons you left so that you can come back to reality. Abusive partners can seem like the most charming, best friend when they are trying to entice you back into their web. During your first time away, spend your time doing things you enjoy and being safe. I had a therapist during the time I was leaving and for awhile after, which really helped. Your friends and family just don't have the boundaries to really help keep you safe. Also, move to another location and do not provide the abuser with the address. Put blocks on your phone, email and facebook.
Get support from a loved one. Abusers try to alienate you so that you must rely on them. Open your eyes and prevent the situation from happening again by staying close to people you trust and being weary of possible abusers. Never be away from family and friends. Lastly but most importantly develop a relationship with god and learn to value yourself
LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND REALIZE YOU DESERVE BETTER
Think of your child all grown up... would it be ok with you for him/her to be in the situation you are in? If not, you need to find any way you can to end it completely and safely. No matter what kind of abusive situation or unhealthy relationship the most dammage is done by repeating your choices and patterns.
I wish I knew how to answer besides hitting the "improve answer" button. That just seems like I am improving on someone elses answer and that is ot what I am trying to do. I am just trying to answer. Anyhow, after an entire life of battering, beginning in childhood (my father raped my mother and my mother was full of outrage and took it out on me all my childhood) I have been single and alone for more than five years. This was the best thing I ever could have done for myself even though at first I did not want to be alone and couldn't imagine not being "in love". But this time alone has given me so much insight into myself and abusers. Now there is not one abuser in my life of any kind, not even an abusive family memeber. If my so called "family" can't be decent to me they can hit the road just as much as any stranger. I can now spot abusers by their actions and attitudes and even the tone of their voice. I can spot an abuser who laughs inappropriately when there is nothing funny, or purses his lips in amusement when there is nothing to be amused about. I've been stalked as a single woman, sexually harrassed, preached at, solicited for prostitution, have known men who thought they could "buy" me and then own me. No one owns me, I am as free as can be, free to be myself. The hardest part has been financial but I'm okay with a simple safe and sane life. My advice, get your own place, one that you can afford, and you'll be greatful that every night when you come home from work you dont' dread going home to an abuser, and every morning when you wake up he isn't there to hate you. If you pay your own way you are essentially an equal (although you always were) and you can speak your mind and be yourself and if they don't like it, that's ok because they aren't paying your bills. And if they don't like what you say or do, however harmless, innocent or just human, all you have to do is walk away and you don't have to argue with anyone about your right to grow and develope and learn and make mistakes and do good things and just be yourself and a human being. I'd love to have love in my life. But since all I've ever had is hatred, contempt, hypocrisy, disrespect, double standards, domination, treachery, betrayal and the absolute denial of my needs and even my existence (yes! denial of my existence, a verbal denial), well I'd rather be alone. None of that stuff has anything to do with love, it is someone who is extremely bent out of shape because he can't accept the fact that he doesn't make all the decisions. Decisions are to be shared and you make choices and decisions too, and hopefully you have decided to choose the good.
Love yourself. If you love yourself, you're not going to let anybody physically abuse you or even emotionally. Plus, I'm pretty sure you're gonna find someone better. Some who will really love you. I know it's overly used, but it's true love doesn't have to hurt.
Your family, in particular your mother, will be the best one to help you stay away from an abusive relationship. Therapy will work but without strong love you will not stick. Talk with your family and they will give you the strenght to say enough is enough. Always remember that only a mother's love cured your bad days through childhood. Build a bridge of trust with your mother, father, siblings and you'll prevail. No man is worthed to make you lose your self-respect and the respect from your family.
== == == == Abuse doesn't have to be "discovered" - just observed. It is a behavior pattern, not a mental health diagnosis. It is clear that each abuser requires individual psychotherapy, tailored to his specific needs - on top of the usual group therapy and marital (or couple) therapy. At the very least, every offender should be required to undergo the following tests to provide a complete picture of his personality and the roots of his unbridled aggression. In the court-mandated evaluation phase, you should insist to first find out whether your abuser suffers from mental health disorders. These may well be the - sometimes treatable - roots of his abusive conduct. A qualified mental health diagnostician can determine whether someone suffers from a personality disorder only following lengthy tests and personal interviews. The predictive power of these tests - often based on literature and scales of traits constructed by scholars - has been hotly disputed. Still, they are far preferable to subjective impressions of the diagnostician which are often amenable to manipulation. By far the most authoritative and widely used instrument is the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory-III (MCMI-III) - a potent test for personality disorders and attendant anxiety and depression. The third edition was formulated in 1996 by Theodore Millon and Roger Davis and includes 175 items. As many abusers show narcissistic traits, it is advisable to universally administer to them the Narcissistic Personality Inventory (NPI) as well. Many abusers have a borderline (primitive) organization of personality. It is, therefore, diagnostically helpful to subject them to the Borderline Personality Organization Scale (BPO). Designed in 1985, it sorts the responses of respondents into 30 relevant scales. It indicates the existence of identity diffusion, primitive defenses, and deficient reality testing. To these one may add the Personality Diagnostic Questionnaire-IV, the Coolidge Axis II Inventory, the Personality Assessment Inventory (1992), the excellent, literature-based, Dimensional assessment of Personality Pathology, and the comprehensive Schedule of Nonadaptive and Adaptive Personality and Wisconsin Personality Disorders Inventory. Having established whether your abuser suffers from a personality impairment, it is mandatory to understand the way he functions in relationships, copes with intimacy, and responds with abuse to triggers. The Relationship Styles Questionnaire (RSQ) (1994) contains 30 self-reported items and identifies distinct attachment styles (secure, fearful, preoccupied, and dismissing). The Conflict Tactics Scale (CTS) (1979) is a standardized scale of the frequency and intensity of conflict resolution tactics - especially abusive stratagems - used by members of a dyad (couple). The Multidimensional Anger Inventory (MAI) (1986) assesses the frequency of angry responses, their duration, magnitude, mode of expression, hostile outlook, and anger-provoking triggers. Yet, even a complete battery of tests, administered by experienced professionals sometimes fails to identify abusers and their personality disorders. Offenders are uncanny in their ability to deceive their evaluators. Seeing this question one thing springs to my mind. There is only one test for an abuser, and it's very simple. Does he have a victim? What I found really helpful was taking personality disorder tests online and answering the questions twice -- once for how I would answer, and, during a second go-through, answering as I knew my abuser acts. pls.tell me how to take on online tests.I am from India and am in real need of help.Thank you "What psychological tests discover an abuser?" Unfortuantely, we live in a time whereas not only should HIV test be taken before marriage or sexual contact but psychological examines as well. People will lie and hide crucial aspects of their history and exactly the reason so many women end up with abusive men that first appeared to be prince charming until they get you behind closed doors. I'll never forget these "You never know how someone truly is until they get you." Best Wishes...
It is when a child is abused due to the abusers social environment for example family structure such as job loss putting strain on family causing them to lash out at the child or large family is small housing causing stress.
This actually happened to me... I left my wife for another woman, divorced one and married the other.
Now the problems started because I was still very much in love with my ex, and the steamy 3 year affair I had with my new wife wasn't as steamy anymore. The sex was still real good (better than with my ex), however, my heart was not as involved as my man parts were and it was killing me to see my ex, even when she wasn't there to physically see. I actually left my New wife after less than 1 year married to her, and was fortunate enough to be able to get back with my ex. Now I am home where I have always belonged. And after the last 7 years that we have been remarried to my original wife, I finally have her trust back. There's no place like home in the heart.
And you have to ask yourself... why are they an ex? Are they your True love? Will it really work? Are they still available? If all checks out what are you wasting time for? Go get them back and don't look back. Life is short get what's yours.
The grass really isn't greener on the other side, lust is sometimes a nasty foe to LOVE.
I also felt this before, then I was thinking, why marry someone that you don't really love? Because before, when we were still together, he just hurt me. I finally got tired of it so we broke up. But still, there is that feeling that you're missing him so I tried to look for someone who would help me forget him. Then there came a time that he asked to be with you again. But of course, you're afraid that he might hurt you again. So I chose the one that I have now.
Two years ago we met again and I just found out that he was still waiting for me, I was really overwhelmed and that happy feeling came back again, but it was too late. I was already pregnant. He was really hurt because he thought that I still loved him and was also waiting for him. Actually he was correct, no one can make me feel the feeling that he brings out in me, even if I just saw him.
So, before making a move, think about it first. Because it's really hard
when it's too late and you can't get back what had been yours before.
You need to choose. Marriage is about committing yourself. Not about being with someone you love but at the same time thinking about someone else. It's a bond and a commitment. You can't do that to someone if you don't know how it would feel if someone had that happening to you. It wouldn't be nice to be married to someone you love but they don't love you as much or are thinking about someone else. You need to choose. Either that or break it off and stay single for a bit. Maybe flirt around a while and you might seem to figure out if she/he was really the one or if you need to move on and find a better person in your life.
There are more fish out there in the sea than you think. You just got to find the right one.
Hope for the best or divorce, to figure things out instead of hurting the ones you love.
Everybody had feelings for all their relationships. Even if its a set up, eventually they will fall for each other. You got to interfere with your spirits. Get a paper and pen. Say what you dislike about each one of them. Ask your self who will be best for your life, kids and who is better in being a husband or more as a father. Love is all a trick, you have to be careful and put your love instincts behind your thoughts.
Here is more information:
Your friend is going to see what they want to see; so all you can do is try to convince him the best you can. If he doesn't see what you see then you will just have to let him come around to it on his own.
How abusive women can treat their husbands:
Verbal Abuse: (most popular)
NOTE: There is a gray area with verbal abuse. Example: If the husband continually ignores her when she asks him to fix something around the house; never takes her anywhere; does not help her raise the children, etc., then there is bound to be some nagging by the wife and this does not constitute verbal abuse.
Note: A physical abuser whether female or male with often segregate the victim from his/her family and friends. They keep their victim close to them and demand that all attention is on them and the victim must do as they want and not what the victim wants. This is a web of deceit so the abuser has total control over their victim in order to physically abuse them.
Using their children:
I've seen women use their children as tools to manipulate and control the husband. Such as telling them if they don't do certain things or if they do certain things that the wife doesn't want (I mean extreme controlling type behavior) that they will leave with the children.
All health care workers are mandatory reporters. This means that by law they have to report any case they have suspicion as might be abuse. They do not have to prove the abuse exists, just suspect that it does.
When the healthcare worker reports a case of abuse, their name and info is taken by the investigating office, but it does not have to be shared with the accused.
Once the healthcare provider reports the suspected abuse, it is the investigating office, not the healthcare worker that decides whether abuse occurred or not, and it is the investigating office that files the charges.
In the US it is true that you have the right to face your accuser, but in cases of abuse it is the investigating office that is the accuser, and not the healthcare worker. So, you have a right to face the investigating office, and they will have a representative at the court. The healthcare worker, since they are not filing the charges does not have to be there.
Now having said that, the healthcare worker will most likely be present at the trial, but as a witness and not as an accuser.
discrimination that is obvious.
More importantly, why would you want to? Narcissists NEVER change....NEVER. They only value and see themselves at the expense of everything and everyone around them. They will never "see" you, they will never "understand" or really love you, because you see, in a narcissists world, it is only them.
Trust me when I say that she will just use this married guy too. They may be having a great relationship now, but tomorrow she will just dump him for the next best thing. They all do it!
I lived with a narcissistic parent, and have had narcissistic partners/friends. It never stops. The best thing is to break it off and have a "no contact rule" No contact means exactly that. No more contact with the individual.
They will NEVER love you, they are incapable of love, and at their core is the need to only see themselves to avoid the inescapable truth that they are really nothing on the inside but hollow shells. Check out some self-help books, join a chess team, play some golf or do whatever hobby makes you happy. Find yourself again and forget her!
A part of the reason is that Black men don't see their words as verbally abusive. Why? The taunts and teasing involved in "capping" or "playing the dozens" involves quick wit and the ability to talk about someone in a stinging way that is still humorous and makes others laugh. Men often play these word games with other men and they all seem fine with it. However, when those words are turned upon women and said with the intent to bring a woman down, put her in her place, or make her feel small and insignificant, its not funny anymore.
I believe the larger reason Black men are verbally abusive is their ongoing struggle with self esteem and feelings of powerlessness.
Striking out with name calling, put downs, and words which attack the core of Black women's pride in their accomplishments looks education achievements and sexuality give these verbally abusive men a sense of power. What they are doing is putting others down to build themselves up. Such behavior may provide a temporary sense of satisfaction as he watches her face crumble in shame or humiliation, but in reality he is merely demonstrating how poorly he feels about himself.
Finally, I think it is important to note that verbally abusive men come in all sizes, shapes and colors and are not limited to Black men. The issue is though that most women tend to date men of their own ethnicity, and therefore Black women (who interact primarily with Black men) are more likely to be verbally, physically or psychologically abused by a Black man moreso than any other race of man.
hitting and pushing
while the above are abusive acts they are just the tip of the iceburg.
an abusive act can be anything from calling names, to shoving, hitting, controlling behavior, and manipulation, if someone is forcing to do something you dont want to do, even if it is something as simple as not wearing certain clothing, or seeing certain people, or if they put there hands on you in any way they are all types of abuse. Physical abuse is hitting and shoving, mental abuse is far more complex and unfortunetly in my opinion much more prevalent, if you feel you are being abused odds are you are and you should remove yourself from the situation at once.
Flat out leave the guy. Tell him no and that you know he won't change. If you stay strong, he will know you mean it.
Keep in mind, even if he does know you mean it, just leave and don't stay. Controlling relationships can quickly become abusive, and then it might be too late. The sooner you leave, the better.
A note from Mythology0000:
Another thing you should try to do is work it out. Be nice, give him a chance. If he's still not cooperating, then do what Mooper64 said.
To make themselves feel powerful... to let you know whose boss. Men are like that.
The cultural and social context of abuse is described here:
Many abusers are narcissists. The psychodynamics of narcissism - formation and manifestations - are described here:
A�Primer on Narcissism
I am trying to recover from being an emotional abuser. I have read Beverly Engle's book the emotional abusive relationship and she states that all abusers and most victims have been abused in someway as a child. I know this is true for me. Both my parents were alcoholics, my dad died when i was a baby and my mother would go 3 0r 4 months at a time not being sober. I was on my own basically from a very young age. I did my own laundry, fed my self and got myself off to school. I tried to make everything look normal. I kind of shut down emotionaly. I too became an alcohloic, but stopped drinking with AA over 14 years ago. I thought I was fixed or all better. I had some anger issues as a kid towards my mother.
Many many reasons,i would imagine. I was born in 1939,two weeks after my father shipped out to go overseas.The man that came back was a drunken rageaholic.There were many out and out fisticuffs in our family.The only way my older sister and I survived,was to gang up on my Father.I left home at the age of 13.My sister choose to stay and finish school.Luckily I was a good waitress,and looked quite mature for my age.I survived on tips and very low wages.Never went back home until i learned my Father was dying from lung cancer. Then I went ahead and married another alcoholic,as abusive as my Father ever was. Happy ending though.I left him and discovered I don't need a man in my life.Today I am safe and secure in the knowledge I can survive on my own.I have good friends,loving family,and feel I have put all my demons to bed.But I also had to look deep to understand why I would ever stay in an abusive relationship.Good luck to all of you in an abusive relationship.I wouldn't dare to presume to have an answer.I just know what has worked for me. Marge
I was abused by my partner, the only resaon that i can come up with for the way that he treated me was the dreadful abuse that my ex partner received from his mother as a child, this not being an excuse as many abusers don't go on to abuse. yet it may be one of the reasons for his lack of control , his anger and need to control others, and perhaps put women though what his mother had put him through. who knows!
People like power well most. My ex was very controlling over me but deep inside i found that it was insecurity enough insecurity to give you the power to mentally emotionally and physically abuse the one that loves you.
Yes, some can. These people are actually in great mental anguish and I've seen men put their fist through a window or bang their head on a wall. Some have hit walls with their fists so hard they have broken bones in their hand. Women who abuse are great throwers of objects; will cut themselves (superficial cuts) or even go so far as to cut their long hair in chunks. They will hit, slap, and bite if given half the chance, not to mention kick like a mule. Until these abusers get help (they usually will deny they need help) then it's best people stay away from them. Marcy
Verbal abuse includes swearing or offending people. It also includes belittling, bullying, and manipulating people into feeling badly about themselves; making people cry based on what you say to them.
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