(Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder is something that can only be identified by a mental health professional who has examined the person in question. Other than that, "narcissist" is a word meaning "loves oneself excessively" and is susceptible to varying interpretations.)

1:

A Narcissist is someone who takes their self-esteem from the way others view them. Their personality will therefore center around how he or she is viewed.

Narcissism looks like this... Your partner treats you and perhaps your children very different in private than in public. In public he may ignore you giving all of his attention to others, or pretend to be the perfect husband or father, while in private he may be sarcastic, haughty and insulting. He may put people down behind their back. He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn't worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true. This can fool people and so few of them will believe how he talks to his family in private (I say 'he', because I write from our experience, but there are plenty of abusive women with narcissism). He may also show little or no regard for your well being or your feelings.

2:

Unfortunately that's not all...

He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour. You probably have no idea of all of the lies he is telling you and the bad things he may be saying about you to others ...

If he makes fights when you try and talk about money he may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you and his narcissism will cause him to pretend these fights are your fault.

Many narcissists are obsessed by the fantasy of an ideal relationship that is 'perfect' (and therefore fantasy!) and are skilled liars. So if the above symptoms of narcissism describe your partner, you should also be aware that he may habitually have secret crushes on other women, be having affairs, using pornography habitually, and/or conducting 'cyber' affairs (while lying that he is single) all without you having any knowledge of this. If you notice that your partners mind is often somewhere else, and they show narcissistic tendencies, this could be the reason. This obsession with his own inner fantasy life is part of what makes him unavailable, impatient and cross with you. It is a major symptom of the disorder.

Not all people with narcissism are physically abusive, but it is also a significant indicator that you will wind up being part of a domestic violent marriage. The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either. It is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down. It is normal after years of this treatment, (especially if you discover that they have been lying to and cheating on you) to even want to kill them or wish them dead, so getting the right help and support is very important, and can be very hard to find.

There are very few people who understand narcissism or believe there is any cure, and those who say to 'leave and have no contact' are giving you very dangerous advice. If you want to leave, please get advice first on how to do it safely.

Trying to diagnose someone with a disorder is not a really a good idea when there are many who will then say that you must divorce them and have no contact and that there is no cure.

If your partner displays this behaviour it is not important to figure out the correct diagnosis, what you need to do is take steps to protect yourself and save your marriage before it is too late.

My husband was diagnosed NPD and yet still he got better and we have a great marriage now. We help partners of narcissists save their marriages too.

3:

WRONG. The correct answer is - you can not recognize a narcissist. At least not a smart, experienced narcissist. It is a matter of survival for them to not let anyone know there true nature. (See note at top of page)

Get far, far away from that person. Leave the state if you have to. There are places that an abused woman can go to get help. Don't wait thinking he will change. It can only get worse. Check your area (or the info below) for a battered women's shelter near you.

• History of discipline problems.
• Blames you for his/her anger.
• Serious drug or alcohol use.
• History of violent behavior.
• Threatens others regularly.
• Insults you or calls you names.
• Trouble controlling feelings like anger.
• Tells you what to wear, what to do or how to act.
• Threatens or intimidates you in order to get their way.
• Prevents you from spending time with friends or family.

1-866-331-9474

1-866-331-8453 (TTY for deaf/hearing impaired)

Free cards printed with the above available from Jennifer Ann's group through JenniferAnn.org

Fight Teen Dating Violence!

• You know you are abused when parts of your life become unexplainable. These are the things that you would normally do, but aren't. Anytime someone's treatment of you makes you say "huh? what was that?" In a good relationship, things make sense, you have a sense of well-being and of your competence.

• There are many ways to abuse. To love too much is to abuse. It is tantamount to treating someone as an extension, an object, or an instrument of gratification. To be over-protective, not to respect privacy, to be brutally honest, with a sadistic sense of humour, or consistently tactless -- is to abuse.

To expect too much, to denigrate, to ignore -- are all modes of abuse. There is physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse. The list is long. Most abusers abuse surreptitiously. They are "stealth abusers". You have to actually live with one in order to witness the abuse.

There are three important categories of abuse:

The open and explicit abuse of another person. Threatening, coercing, beating, lying, berating, demeaning, chastising, insulting, humiliating, exploiting, ignoring ("silent treatment"), devaluing, unceremoniously discarding, verbal abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse are all forms of overt abuse.

Abuse is almost entirely about control. It is often a primitive and immature reaction to life circumstances in which the abuser (usually in his childhood) was rendered helpless. It is about re-exerting one's identity, re-establishing predictability, mastering the environment -- human and physical.

The bulk of abusive behaviours can be traced to this panicky reaction to the remote potential for loss of control. Many abusers are hypochondriacs (and difficult patients) because they are afraid to lose control over their body, its looks and its proper functioning. They are obsessive-compulsive in an effort to subdue their physical habitat and render it foreseeable. They stalk people and harass them as a means of "being in touch" -- another form of control.

To the abuser, nothing exists outside himself. Meaningful others are extensions, internal, assimilated, objects -- not external ones. Thus, losing control over a significant other -- is equivalent to losing control of a limb, or of one's brain. It is terrifying.

Independent or disobedient people evoke in the abuser the realization that something is wrong with his worldview, that he is not the centre of the world or its cause and that he cannot control what, to him, are internal representations.

To the abuser, losing control means going insane. Because other people are mere elements in the abuser's mind -- being unable to manipulate them literally means losing it (his mind). Imagine, if you suddenly were to find out that you cannot manipulate your memories or control your thoughts ... Nightmarish!

In his frantic efforts to maintain control or re-assert it, the abuser resorts to a myriad of fiendishly inventive stratagems and mechanisms. Here is a partial list:

• Unpredictability and Uncertainty
• Disproportional Reactions
• Dehumanization and Objectification (Abuse)
• Abuse of Information
• Impossible Situations
• Control by Proxy
• Ambient Abuse

More input from WikiAnswers contributors:

• The element of shock makes it hard to label abuse. I recently picked up a dog stuck by a car and took it to a vet. I learned a great deal about my life on that 40 minute trip. The lack of focus or emotion or energy. Just a blank stare. How could that little creature process information? How could I process that amzing injuries of my youth. Cruel, illogical, pointless, random, couched in care, gifts and praise? Third parties, therapy and gifted friends can help give feedback. When you are shocked by abuse, you may be in no condition to know it. That "funny" "icky" "hey what" fuzzy confusions and vague hurt screams to us to break isolation and talk to a worthy trusted third party.

• When you feel love and responsibilty for the happiness of someone who regularly and alternatively spoils you rotten and then treats you like you have no soul or worth.

• I think because the abuse usually begins gradually, we are well into a serious abusive relationship before we stop and say, hey--what gives? We tell ourselves all kinds of things--he didn't mean it, all relationships have their problems, no one is perfect, i do my share of things, etc. etc., but if you have to ask if you're being abused, you probably are.

• One note: Abusers may not 'realize' they are abusing you. In my situation, he says outright that he is just an a-hole and it's not 'about me' ... he thinks he is just a naturally angry person. He doesn't think he is abusing me.

• You know you are being abused when you are not allowed to have any friends, family or self-respect. If the only people you are allowed to associate with are the ones that the abuser chooses (i.e. his family/his friends), but he demands that you degrade yourself in front of them to prove that you are unworthy of anyone's love or attention. He/she will not be able to handle that you can be your own person, make your own money, have your own friends and family. They will project their own inadequacies onto you. When you start becoming afraid, because dinner is five minutes late, or that you weren't where you were "supposed" to be when he comes by or calls (i.e. if you are fortunate to work outside the home, he monitors your work time and calls you several times a day and expects you to answer his every call. If you or your children are physically threatened or constantly being watched. (He goes to the kids school or to your work constantly). If he has his friends and family gang up on you to help prove his point of your inadequacies. You are not allowed to handle the money or if you do handle the money, he takes most of it for his enjoyment and leaves you scant enough to pay for food, rent, etc. If he uses God as the reason behind all of the "punishment" that he feels you deserve.

• There are two main ways that you can tell if you are being abused. ONE: If someone is saying things to you that you don't like and are hurting your feelings. That is VERBAL abuse. TWO: If someone is touching you in a way that is harmful, like hitting or grabbing or smacking you. That is all PHYSICAL abuse.

• A few signs: extreme jealously, possessive bahviour, an inflated sense of pride, masculinity, patriarchal behaviour. Its like a pendulum that swings between moments of complete happiness and sheer frustration ... You're being demeaned all the time, name calling, yelling in public places ... walking away, making you feel abandoned ... silent treatment ... any violence.

• You know you are being abused when you first suspect it. The problem is, you are so in love, you don't want to believe it. You know you are being abused when your partner needs to always be right, does not validate your feelings, does not allow you to have your own opinion, rages, demands things from you that go against your personal rights and dignity. You know you are being abused when you are threatened, raged at until you are crying and in fear, but you don't know what you did to deserve the rage. You are told you are wrong, ignorant, defiant, a stupid woman, "it's all about you and your feelings", no matter what you do to make them happy, they are not happy. You lose your sense of self and question your own beliefs. You know you are being abused when you can't feel safe with the person.

• A few things to think about: 1) Does your partner seem threatened by other people in your life (including your family)? 2) Does your partner say or do things to you that you know you would not do back to him or her because you know that they would hurt? 3) Do you find yourself ashamed to ask your friends and family for advice about the relationship, either because you have been made to feel the problems are your fault, or because you don't think they will respect your decision to stay with a person who is doing these things to you? Does your partner discourage you from discussing the relationship with other people? 4) Do you find yourself hanging out with other couples, and noticing how different the patterns of their relationships are ? (It's been observed that all happy families are more or less alike, but every unhappy family is unique...the same might be said about relationships.) 5) Are you aware of a history of abuse in your partners family, or his or her relationship history? The ultimate sign for an abusive relationship is when you realize that you are starting to hit back emotionally at the things your partner is doing to you, and that you are no longer the good person that you want to be for your partner. At that point, the only thing you can do is forgive, ask to be forgiven, and leave.

• When you wake up in the morning and you're mad. When you no longer smile. When you hide the relationship in public and put on a face. When you don't want anyone to know. When you make excuses even you don't believe. When you no longer look forward to anything. When you look at couples in love with wanting, and then you feel so sad. When you no longer make plans for the future. Then you know you've been abused. And you need help now.

• Ask yourself this: If this were someone else's life, what would you tell them?

• I think if you are asking the question "Am I abused?" - then you already know the answer in your heart. You are. Get out now and start living the life you deserve!

• Many people that are in abusive relationships will most likely not realize it until it is too late. If this sounds like you or anyone you know, get help quick. An abusive realtionship damages more lives than just those parties involved.

• I guess the best way to answer that is with another question, "How do you feel in the relationship?" A good, healthy relationship has both partners feeling like equals.

• Abuse is a seed of unhealthiness. At the beginning of the relationship the abuse is not in full bloom, but, if you listen and look very carefully, you can sometimes see signs of what is to come. There are moments in which your partner doesn�t completely respect your space or requests. Your partner will say that he is not respecting your requests because he is so overcome by the emotion of the new relationship. This is the first sign�however insignificant or flattering it may seem at the time: it is a lack of respect for your space. Remember: when you request something in life it is ALWAYS important that your request is heard and listened to. Requests involving your need for space or respect should always be honored.

Then, as the relationship continues, the abuse begins to manifest as jealousy in an extreme sense and misplaced anger is constantly targeted at you. He has a stressful day and you are blamed. Some miscommunication occurs and you are always the one who is at fault in his eyes. Any sense is lost from your conversations. The conversations begin to revolve around the other person�s ego and not offending it becomes a primary concern for your survival.

As the relationship continues the abusive partner�s emotions become the all-important focus of the relationship. Trying to avoid his or her wrath becomes your primary concern. Just as he couldn�t respect your boundaries at the beginning, he still doesn�t understand the boundaries between you�his emotions become your worst nightmare. He no longer protects you from his mood swings. He yells and screams at you and calls it love. However, you know that you don�t feel love and you lose your sense of safety. He says that he yells and screams because he feels so passionately about you. He denies wrongdoing and blames the abuse on you. You know in your gut that your sense of well being is being compromised and that you are not being treated with love and respect.

Then come a slew of indignities. If your sense of well being felt compromised earlier, you will feel more indignity and disgrace by the end of the relationship than you ever thought you would allow yourself to feel. Public humiliation: yelling at you at a caf�, embarrassing you in front of your friends, alienation from your friends, constant tyranny. If the relationship continues physical abuse will surely follow. the horrible cycle only ends when you say stop to the humiliation, the self-disgrace, the indignity and all the other insults.

The sooner you realize what is happening and the sooner you can act decisively, the easier the process of leaving will be. Fly away if you have to: just get yourself to safety. If you live near him, MOVE FAR AWAY. The hardest part is leaving, but it is also the most crucial part for both of you. You have to stop believing that you can help him and start believing that you can help yourself. I did. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't change it--heard this before? To stop enabling his behavior is the best thing that you could do for him as well. If you feel bitterness, resentment or a sense of vindictiveness, don't let him see it: acting out on these emotions in a secretive or covertly combative way will only perpetuate the cycle. Remember that your primary concern should always be your own self-respect, not getting even. Redirect this energy to do positive things in your life. Do artwork or start running. Take charge of yourself with all of the energy that you have discovered. Go to therapy because you don�t want to be in the position of the abused or abuser in the future�both are an indignity. Be with yourself and like yourself again. Love yourself the way your partner couldn�t: be kind to yourself. You will be fine by yourself; however, you certainly wouldn�t be fine if you stayed with him.

• The first thing I have to say about abusers is that THEY WILL NEVER TAKE COMPLETE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THIER ABUSE. They will always say, "You made me angry" "You should not have done ___" "If you would only do ___" Notice that the common denominator is the word "You". Forget about turning the abuser around and helping them see that what they are doing to you is wrong - because they have already made up their minds that you are to blame for the way they treat you. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. It took me over two decades to realize that. Two decades of believing that my life was worthless and meaningless because the people closest to me told me that it was. And since they were the ones that knew me the best - they must be right - WRONG! Here is what I have learned about abusers.

- They will always find a reason to criticize you - no matter what. If you offer them a reasonable explanation for the source of their criticism they will tell you that you are only making excuses for you incompetency, laziness, unorganization. Remember that no matter what you do - YOU CANNOT PLEASE THEM. It is better that you ignore their criticisms as best as you can and continue to do things the way you think they should be done. I know from experience that this is very much easier said than done. One thing that has helped me to stop continually seeking acceptance from my abusers is to remember that each time you seek their approval - you are knocking on a closed and locked door.

- An abuser wants control over your life. They want to control all the finances. They want to make sure that you have as little independance as possible and that you have to ask their permission to use and spend any money. Every purchase must be justified and fit their perception of what is "necessary". They will justify this by calling you a "spendthrift", "irresponsible" or outright telling you that since you did not EARN the money - you have no right to decide how it is dispersed. There are days when you feel that the beggar on the street has it better than you. Find a way to earn your own money. If you are a stay at home mom look for a way to work at home to earn some money of your own. Do it as disceratly as possible because as soon as the abuser finds out that you are actively seeking financial independance - he will do whatever it takes to sabotage it. The same occurs when you try to continue your education. Take classes when you know he is not at home and find somewhere to hide your materials.

They want to control your relationships. Abusers always resent any time that you spend away from them. If you are close to your family they will make nasty comments about any amount of time you spend with them. Abusers tend to get angry if they see you talking on the phone to relatives or friends. They will tell you that you do nothing but waste your time, that there are other things you should be doing - but what they are really afraid of is that you might tell someone WHAT IS REALLY GOING ON IN YOUR HOME. The more that they can cut you off from outside relationships - the safer they are from detection. Abusers tend to be very charming in front of and towards family and friends. How many times after a spouse has been brutally murdered do relatives, friends, and neighbors say, "We never thought this would happen - he was such a NICE guy!" At the first signs of abuse - TELL YOUR FAMILY - TELL YOUR FRIENDS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT YOU ARE BEING ABUSED. Even if you have let it be a secret for a long time - start telling people that you trust. With each person you tell - you will feel more and more liberated.

They want to control how you spend your time. This happens most with stay at home moms. An abuser feels that he is doing you a favor by "allowing" you to raise the children yourself and will tell you that frequently. He also feels that because you are at home - every domestic responsibility is completely yours and is a way of paying him back for this glorious opportunity. An abuser is angry if he witnesses any kind of relaxation - if you are watching TV, if you are reading a book or magazine, if you engage in any kind of hobby. He will tell you that you should have better things to do and will look for things to criticize in order to prove his point. An abuser will not offer to help in any domestic duties and if he does - he is again "doing you a favor" or "making up for you apparent incompetency". The expectations of the abuser are unattainable and leave you feeling "worthless" and "incompetent". You will then give up the things that you love to do for the sake of peace but you also lose a part of yourself. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO GIVE UP A NORMAL PLEASURABLE ACTIVITY BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE DOES NOT VALUE IT. The abuser views outside interests as a threat on his control. Remember - the goal of the abuser is to strip you from any INDIVIDUALITY. The result is stripping someone else of their HUMANITY.

• You know you are in an abusive relationship when the world has to circle around your partner. When your partner is jealous of the times you spend with your children and family. When he calls you at work, even when you ask him not to because he has jeapordized your job. When he uses religion to base his domineering views on you....when he makes you feel like you are loosing your mind and that you want to committ suicide to remove yourself from the relationship because he harasses you constantly..when you are afraid to bring him around family or friends because you don't know what he is going to say or do, when the littlest comment that is said is blown out of proportion because he percieves things totally out of context, and it is all your fault that the comment was said to begin with...that your partner is paranoid and believes everyone is after him because he is so great, intelligent, and wonderful, that he makes you afraid... what he really has is not anger but rage and that rage is released on you....that he makes comments to you that are uncalled for and demeaning...so demeaning that they still effect you, even though the relationship has ended....that he blocks you in the house and refuses to let you leave, and tells you if you do leave you have never loved him to begin with and that he will track you down..he plays on your emotions and feeds off of your weaknesses, which he has learned from being that wonderful person at the beginning of your relationship...that he calls you 100 times in a row, after you have hung up because he is verbally attacking you and has filled your voice mail, and text messages with horrible messages...that he is extremely jealous so you stop living your life because he questions you constantly about men, whether they are the bag boy at the grocery store to the neighbor next door, to your teenage sons friends whom he insists that you sleep with...that he has hit you, and he doesn't remember some of it, and the times he does remember, you deserved it.. tells you that its your fault he hasn't followed through on his responsibilities because he can't get you off of his mind..he has very few friends, and those friends want very little to do with him...he isolates himself because you are the most important person in his life, and he has never loved anyone the way he loves you, and he tells you he loves you just too much....your children, family and friends wonder what is wrong with you because they tell you that this man is not for you, yet you are not ready to see the abuser, just the man that you fell in love with at the beginning of your relationship.

- An abuser degrades you by calling you names: "incompetent", "worthless", "stupid" are just a few. There are other words I have personally heard that I dare not repeat because they are so vile.

An abuser will tell you that you do nothing right. An abuser will tell you that you are insane and need professional help - my answer to that - "Who wouldn't be living with someone like YOU?" when anything happens - such as a car repair for example - an abuser will tell you that you are to stupid to even drive a car right. My dog was recently poisoned by a malicious individual and less than a half an hour after I buried her - I was told that I was too dumb to even take care of the dog - that I must have done something to kill her. To an abuser - the accusations they make about you DO NOT HAVE TO MAKE SENCE - THEY ARE SAID ONLY TO HURT YOU WHEN YOU ARE MOST VOLNERABLE. The sad part is that they will always believe that their accusations are true even when presented with evidence that they are not.

- All the above pertain to emotional and verbal abuse - now for the physical. NO ONE - EVER HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT, PUSH, SHOVE, KICK, OR PUNCH ANYONE.

- MOST IMPORTANTLY- AN ABUSER IS THE WORLDS BIGGEST LIAR! They are so used to lying about almost everything that they believe their own lies. an abuser will NEVER admit the truth completely - they will NEVER take full responsibility. And when they really feel threatened that they are going to lose control over your life - they will lie and manipulate and even threaten you too keep it. NEVER BELIEVE AN ABUSER'S APOLOGIES AND PROMISES TO CHANGE. Remember that they are only sorry until the next time that they will be sorry - AND THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT TIME.

The best analogy I have come up with to define the cycle of abuse is this: YOU ARE ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND. SOMETIMES YOU MAY CHANGE HORSES BUT IT IS THE SAME OLD MERRY-GO-ROUND. SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET OFF THE MERRY-GO-ROUND COMPLETELY.

• my friends are all gone, i cannot leave the house without him knowing, i have to dress his way, eat his way, talk his way, look his way and act his way. I am not allowed to talk back to him, i no longer have any friends, i am completelty alone, i cannot have a job, i cannot be with my family unless he says okay. The house must be clean, and i can't even go to bed when i want sometimes I'll have to stay up till 3 and have to get up at six and if i don't wake up on time im in trouble, but he can sleep for as long as he wants. I am terrified of him, and nobody knows any of this except for me and him, i love him but i hate him for doing this to me. I have tried to get away from him before but it never works, even if he breaks up with me he will call me constantly and tell me that I don't care because I havn't been calling him. I have not brought this up to him once, i feel like my life will always be this way and i miss my friends and my family. I don't want to go on living like this- somebody please help me, tell me what to do.

• The first thing you need to know is that this is not your fault. You are not responsible for how this man thinks, feels or treats you. This, like all abusive situations is about control. It is not your fault. He probably grew up in a home where there was abuse or chaos - and as a child he had no control over his life, and now as an adult he is trying desperetly to gain control over everything in his life - including you. This is not your fault. You cannot change him. You cannot help him. This is his problem and only he can fix himself. You do not need to take on his pain anymore.

You need to tell your family about your situation. You need to leave this man. Just pack a bag, walk out and leave. Perhaps you can move in with your family. Or if you do not have that option you can go to a women's shelter where they will help you get back on your feet. I know this is terrifying but this is the first step in helping yourself. You are the only one that can help yourself. Other people can comfort you and lend support but you have to be the brave one to make the big step. You do not deserve a life of misery. You deserve happiness. You will get out of this - take one day at a time - have faith in yourself.

• You situation sounds terrible, and I along side other visitors to this page will agree, that you need to take action.

It is so sad that you have lost your friends and have been stripped of your identity by this man.

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship for just under six months. Fortunately, the man in question has not moved in with me, so it has been easy to make the break.

I have continuously hoped that M would become the man that I first met. Kind and loving, but this is not the case. He would tell me that he doesn't love me, but would still want to see me. He would seem to take pleasure in telling me that he has no feelings for me or care. When I was on the verge of leaving him, he would pull me back and tell me that he did have feelings. He would often fly into a rage over something so minor as me wanting to go home, if he had fallen asleep.

When introducing him to my friends, I found myself completely tense. If he was not flirting directly with my friends he was telling them how much he did not love or care for me. When I would react to this, I was the one left feeling that I had created the situation, that it was all my fault. I remember going to a church, crying my eyes out, begging the lord to make M forgive me for something I had not done.

My recent communication was deeply upsetting. I was told that he did not want to see or speak to me. No explanation given, only that I am pressurizing him.( I had not contacted him for the 3 weeks he was out of the country. When I appeared upset, asking for an explanation, I was told to stop acting like a child, simply because I was expressing some form of sorrow and emotion. He decided to hang up on me at this point.Only to ring me a few seconds letter, telling me not to contact him, that he feels that he is losing control and that he would contact me some time!

In a way, he has done me a favour. I realise now that I need to find my life again. I have fallen out with a number of my friends, convinced that they had encourage his flirtatious behaviour, lost my motivation to continue developing my business, because I would spend the best part of the day discussing with friends and analysing the relationship, to work out where I was going wrong; seeking ways of resolving his anger and moodiness, trying to find ways of resolving his unhappiness. And hopefully start to regain my self-esteem after he would often make reference to other women in a sexual way.

Silly things also spring to mind. If he wanted to see me and I could not, I would suffer. As he would avoid me for a few weeks, failing to meet me if we arranged an alternative date. He was also starting to criticise me, became sarcastic if I did not fully follow something he was telling me.

Even when first met there was a sense of being stalked. He had to leave the country the following morning after we met. During his holiday he continually pestered me with text messages, asking me if I was missing him, whether I would collect him from the airport. On his return, he had difficulty contacting me via phone, and one evening left an angry message on my mobile asking me why I was not answering. Alarm bells started to ring at this point, but I chose to ignore them preferring to see that he was tall, dark and handsome who seemed to want to shower me with attention.

My advice to you is making the move will give you the chance to regain your position in life. That first step will be hardest, but the most vital.

• First, I am writing this as a husband. After 22 years of marriage I have been exposed to numerous things. I watched some of my small personal things like greeting cards from friends and family being thrown out because I didn't need them. She hates my job. I'm professionally employed and doing quite well. I've been subjected to unsuspected rage over the slightest incident. I was raged at so bad one evening for close to two hours that I tried to check myself into a hospital emergency room because I believed her when she told me I was crazy and needed help. She told me that I was hurting everyone around me. She has told me that I am a bad husband, father, son-in-law, brother-in-law, etc. My friends are not allowed in our house. She says negative things about my friends and my family. My family was not allowed in our house for several years. Once she threatened to call the police if they even came near the house to see me. She sat and listened to any telephone conversation that I had with family. She has told me that my now deceased parents didn't love me or want me and that I was an accident for them. She told me that my mother was sexually abused by my grandfather and that I am proof of that and I am passing on the damage to our children. (She could never possibly know this; my grandfather passed away over 20 years before I even met her). I've been timed when leaving the house. She attempted to prevent me from seeing my mother in the hospital weeks before she passed away. I pay all of the bills and we have never been in financial trouble although she's sure that creditors will be coming at any time to take it all away because I am inept. She twists most everything that I say around. I have been accused of having affairs. She convinced me to seek counseling because I had "problems". She's terminated three marriage counselors that we have tried at my request. She only went to help "fix" me. She pushed very hard to get me on medication because I was so "severly depressed". She is emotionally distant and withholds affection. I've not been spoken to for several days following a rage. When I try to explain an issue, then I'm defensive. If I get angry as a result then I hear, "See, you're the one with the problem" as she points a finger at my face. When she rages, I am a "Bastard". I believe that she may have been abused as a child and I am almost certain that she at least witnessed physical, emotional, and verbal abuse as a child, (father abusing mother and older siblings). Believe what you read about abuse. The signs and symptoms are there, for each person involved, abuser AND victim. Go with what you feel is happening. If you feel abuse, you are abused. Heal yourself. After 22 years of marriage, exposure to five counselors, submission to two full psycological evaluations that turned up nothing on me, alot of time and even more money invested in my mental health, I'm leaving and I intend to take my children and stop the cycle of abuse in this generation. I've had enough and I've almost always known about the abuse but I was too afraid to do anything because I am a male and I thought no one would believe me. They may not but I do and that's all that matters. Get better. Move on. Enjoy life!!!!

• Your real friends will let you know what they see. If they all say the same thing, then you can rest asure all are not lieing. It happened to me. Thank you my FRIENDS. THR

• It has been 2 years now, and I don�t know what to do. I am alone all the time, I miss friends and my old life. Everything I once had is now gone, and I am to weak to get it back. I know that I can�t do this forever but, I just cant seem to end it, I feel like even if I try to it will never end, he scares me. But I love him, and in the past month he has changed dramatically, not yelling or anything but I can�t take this being alone anymore I want friends. I know he will go back to his regular ways anytime now but I always have the feeling that I just want one more day with him. I have tried to end it a lot before but for some reason I feel bad, because I feel like I am a horrible person. He tells me all the time that he doesn�t want their to be anyone else more important to me than him, including my family and I don�t know if that is possible. Please someone tell me what is going on.

• The temptation to stay is always going to be there, for as long as he tells you that you are needed and wanted by him. Of course you are tempted to stay when you hear this, because you love him for the person you fell for when you first met.

I completely understand your position. I totally adored my boyfriend, but during the last phone call from him, something snapped inside of me. He was his usual abusive self. I was feeling vulnerable and he knew that, so he chose to hurt me by telling me that he had no feelings for me, that I keep contacting him and placing undue pressure on him.

This was not the case, we simply had an arrangement to meet and he had failed to contact me about not meeting. All this was part of the abuse, not calling to tell me his change of plans while probably psyching himself for the torrent of anger and abuse. He of course blames me, telling me that I turn him into an animal, interesting theory but fortunately, I feel strong enough to take a step back and realise that he has the problem, not I.

Leaving him is the best thing for him and me. Deep down I really feel that abusers do feel some sense of shame and embarrassment. I know that my ex does. It is almost something inherent in them that they cannot control, an illness that won't be healed for as long as the abuse is going on and you are prepared to take it. So in a way, I am doing him a favour by leaving him as I hope he can reflect on his destrutive behaviour, take ownership, and seek help.

If you really feel love for this man, and in a funny sort of way you probably will realise that it isn't love, once you establish distance, be the first one to make the move. Take control over the situation, the relationship is destructive and ugly for both of you.

Try and make contact with the friends you have lost, and be honest with them. Tell them why you have not been able to see or speak to them.

Try and overcome this fear, because it is just that, fear, that is stopping you from moving forward. Your partner is probably just as afraid as you, but don't be sucked into that. Don't feel that you have to protect him from any pain and unhappiness.

I truly believe that abusive men and women are emotionally unhinged. They are the one's who suffer the most. You can one day walk away from this and reclaim your life again with the aid of friends, therapy and most important of all self-respect. The abuser's life is never an attractive option, because for all their faults, they too have a conscience, and have to live in the knowledge that they have inflicted so much pain and misery on someone they apparently love.

So many people have suggested that the abuser convinces themselves we are the cause of their abusive behaviour however, if you were to give them some distance and space to at least see that this is not always the case, this could in some way help them to change themselves for the better.

As the man above who bravely left his wife, who frankly sounded like she need the mental health assessment, you too could do the same. Recognise that you are frightened, but its just the fear, that freakish annoying emotion that is trapping you and so many of us in our lives. But some of us allow it to win and others defeat it, you can be one of those who looks fear straight in the eye and tell it to get lost!

Start the process of recovery. Maybe get in contact with your friends and family first to gain their support and a temporary refuge until you find a home for yourself.

I promise you that once you do this, you won't remember your partner for the person he used to be in early flushes of your relationship, but the controlling monster that he has become. And for some reason you will probably view him with complete contempt, when you event

ANSWER:

Young, but yes I have been in a abusive relationship.

If your being abused, get out. Cause you may love him/her,

but if they loved you, they wouldn't hit you.

Get out of it.

<3

he clearly doesn't love you as much as you love him. just tell him to get lost and if he tries to hurt you because you're getting out of the relationship, then tell someone. the cops, or a friend, or just someone who can help. make up an excuse but get yourself out because you deserve better and there is someone better for you out there.

Get a plan and get out. Need help coming up with a plan? www.ledbettercoaching.com

• Leave him now while you have the chance...It's the same thing with my mom, she has suffered 16 years of abuse, don't miss your chance. You have to leave NOW.

The domination and control by either partner in a relationship, whether abusive or not, is contrary to the personal rights of an individual. Where this relationship meets the needs of one or both, it is often enabled or tolerated. But it can lead to psychological trauma and violent situations. (see the opinions below)

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OPINION : SUBMISSION VOLUNTARY OR INVOLUNTARY?

Some folks say it's "not a bad thing" to be submissive. YES, there are MANY women who do like submissive roles, either consciously or subconsciously, but that doesn't mean they are happy.

In abusive relationships, the abused often has been under abusive conditions for so long that his or her mind has twisted the story until he or she believes that he or she is at FAULT for the abuse, and that the abuser has the right to abuse him or her. This is not good because the abused person is being hurt not only by the abuser, but also by his or own mind. This twisting of reality does not mean anything about the abused person's intelligence; rather, it is the mind's search for a reason for the pain (inner or outer) he or she feels.

The situation can be very dangerous for the abused person because it may lead to damage directly imposed by the abuser, or indirectly by causing suicide or other self-inflicted damage.

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OPINION - ARE MEN ALWAYS THE ABUSERS

BOTH of these characters are stereotypes, and stereotyping people is also wrong. Because pretty much only the stereotype man is abusive. And pretty much only the stereotype woman is submissive. And pretty much only the stereotype woman will suffer and take all the abuse. In real life, there are also dominant/abusive/controlling women.

Although the solution is often stated as, "If you are in an abusive relationship, get away. It is the only solution."

However, this is sometimes an oversimplification, because the interpersonal relationship between any two people is complex, and cannot be classified as simply right or wrong, abuser and abused. It may require a dispassionate, trained counselor to recommend a course of action that will be beneficial for either partner in a marriage or relationship.

Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delay the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling, and so this is a step which has to be taken by the abuser, though support always helps too.

Some personal experiences;

• I think the bottom line is recognizing that no one method will work for everyone. Every individual is who they are because of their own traits, upbringing, experiences, etc. I've been on both sides of the coin. My mother was typical of many of the things I've read here - I could do no right, wasn't allowed to have an opinion, never afforded space or privacy, silent treatment, verbal and physical assaults were her "right" because of how I "behaved," and then of course the denial that she did any of it after. I took those behaviors with me into my relationships. I abused a man through manipulation and control for 7 years until he finally had enough and left me. Did I know I was doing it? Yes and no. There were many times after my rages would finally settle that I would sit and think, "This is not a healthy reaction - what is wrong with me?" - and I would feel guilty (as I should have) - but as quickly as that thought came, I went to work convincing myself that he deserved it because of this or that, and that I was justified in my explosions because of this or that. We are masters at convincing ourselves of our own lies. And because he stayed, it reinforced my belief that what I was doing was normal and okay. It is very hard to recognize - for me, I was insecure, had gone through that abuse as a child/teen/adult from my mother, so it was my "normality." Any attempt to tell me I was the unhealthy one was all it took to ignite my defense mechanisms. For a lot of us who have abused/do abuse, our anger is near impenetrable. In my case, I didn't recognize it because of the hurt I caused him - I only recognized it is because the last year of our relationship, the tables turned and he treated me exactly as I had treated him. I don't blame him at all- after taking my abuse for so long - I can't believe it didn't happen sooner. But the point is, it took a long, sustained period of being on the other end for me to realize it - and then to be left on top of it, and be left with an upside down world wondering what the heck just happened. I still went through the initial phase of blaming him for everything - but in the end, he had left, and all I had were my own demons to face. I am fortunate that I decided to because not everyone does. Someone mentioned earlier that it is very humbling to recognize that you are an abuser - I would call it debilitating - to have spent so long having convinced yourself you were the victim, just to finally know within yourself YOU were the abuser. I was deeply ashamed and regretful that I had caused someone else so much suffering - and in my case, it was easy to want to change after I realized I was "that" person. However, the behaviors are deeply rooted and I agree with the sentiment here that those take time and proactive practice. Some people will want to and will succeed, others will find it to be "too much work." But it is possible. It has been well over a year for me and I barely recognize myself today from the angry, depressed person I was. Life is a lot more enjoyable. For the first time I find myself genuinely interested in others' feelings and while it is not yet second nature, I find my prior habit of lashing out in anger has been replaced with wanting to understand what the other person is thinking/feeling, and talk about it with empathy and concern and without the blame game. Whether you stay with your abuser or not, only you can decide, because no two relationships work the same way- different things keep us in our relationships. I can honestly say I don't think I would have recognized it if I hadn't been left, but that isn't the case for everyone. You've just got to trust your instincts and really listen to your inner voice - it is there to protect you.
• Abusers rarely change, and they can never be forced to change. An abuser will only recognize that they have a problem, when they are ready. Trying to force this change will only succeed in making the abuser angry, and possibly even delaying the process. Realizing that you are an abuser is very humbling, and so this is a step which has to be taken by the abuser, but support always helps too.

• After finally coming to my senses. I dumped him. I finally saw the light. I saw that no matter what I did, the abuse would ALWAYS return. There is no hope for these people really. They may go to counseling but they are master manipulators and just use that as an avenue to further con and lie. They will promise change, act sweet, realize what they had, BUT these are all for the sake of appearances. They just want to draw you back in their web and wear you down. The best thing you can do is not worry what's good for him. Take charge of your life and happiness. I finally got to the point where I said enough is enough. I also think the only way to clear your mind and let go is no contact. After many of his calls I finally told him go away!!!!!

• Abusers regularly deny the abuse ever took place - or rationalize their abusive behaviors. Denial is an integral part of the abuser's ability to "look at himself/herself in the mirror".

They will often use sentences like the following, to try and lay the guilt on you:

"What I did to you was not abuse - it was common and accepted behavior (at the time, or in the context of the prevailing culture or in accordance with social norms), it was not meant as abuse"

• Always remember, the only person you have any control over is yourself, and the only person you can ever change is yourself. Abusers basically hate themselves and must justify their behavior in order to make any sense of their lives -- so, they will either deny, justify, or apologize for their behavior in order to gain the control they desperately need (abuse is ultimately ALL about control). But the behavior will never change unless they hit a bottom, and the only way anyone will ever hit a bottom is by suffering the consequences of their behavior. In short, you must leave them -- otherwise you will simply continue to enable the behavior, and change will never come about.
• The best thing to do is to find someone you can trust, tell them about the abuse, and get help getting away! Some abusers can be very dangerous! If I didn't get away from my ex-husband when I did, I know he would have eventually killed me. NEVER, I repeat, NEVER try to do what he/she does to you to show them they are wrong. That is dangerous and pointless and will only make them angrier. Just get away. You cannot change an abuser! Abusive people have a problem in their personality and it would take years of counseling for them to ever even maybe change. It's not worth risking your life. JUST GET AWAY!
• Separate from each other. seek independent counseling. acknowledge that since separating there are no more incidents.

• I am 8 yrs into this now, abused just last night. I sit here alone in his house, with those overwhelming feelings of sadness, frustration, and loss. I was looking on the internet for self help stuff when i found these answers. I don't know where to turn. I come from a cold upbringing, a childhood parent of two, divorced by 20, and met my ultimate abuser yet. I feel like i am a magnet, as i get older, the relationships get hard, more violent,more verbal abuse. Everyone tells me i am gorgeous, don't even look like i have ever had kids, shoulda been a model yadi yadi, but what does that matter, i have such a hard time smiling. I see it getting worse. he tells me he hates me, calls me a c**t, and how proud he is that he didn't choke me for real. I know the best thing is to leave, and i am dependant on him, he has turned me into this weak, crying girl, with no more self confidence. I tell myself i am strong, but its not true. so what is this girl to do? Everyone's right. all of these answers. if you can get out do it. run as fast as you can. don't look back. don't regret leaving. love doesn't hurt people, love heals people. i hope one day i find some healing in this world.
• Believe what he says and does. Leaving is a very tough thing to do, but when you look back in a couple of years, it will seem easy, compared to where you are now. So, if confidence is lacking, "act as if" you have it. Make a plan: [without his knowing!] Get advice and follow it without saying "but...". One small step after another and you will be in your new, safe life. You will find what you need, and none of it is what you have now.
• I don't think you can. I started mirroring her behaviour and all I got was comments as to how screwed up I was! Tell them goodbye and hang up. It's such a waste of time.
• Some of the answers here are the reasons abusers do not seek help. The way I recognized it was after talking with my wife for a very long time (fight) I researched what an abuser was. If the put my name in the beginning of the description then it would have sounded like my life story. The point is is that the abuser has to be willing to accept it. They have to have an open mind and only then want to seek help after they have accepted it. It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.
• When the abuser no longer gains the CONTROL they so desperately need because you have become tougher, they will escalate their method. It creeps up slowly and you are convinced you are to blame. You have been very isolated from friends by this time and believe what he says. I wised up because I took a communication class at college for my work. We were on the topic of abuse and she said she had been there and a book that helped her realize it was called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans That book opened my eyes. I thought abuse was being beaten bloody, not just grabbed by the arm and thrown down and threatened to be killed. I thought (really) that if I just did such and such better, he wouldn't get so mad at me. They will not change. He promised and said he was sorry, went to counseling (court ordered) and I believe he actually tried hard, but it is "hard-wired". He was taught that as a young boy from his upbringing. When we tell boys to stop crying and be a man, we are telling them that to have feelings or emotion is wrong. They try to get control and can only ride over those feeling to gain control by expressing anger. Any time their feeling side comes up, they are trained since boys to override that with anger to gain the control over the feelings. Most often their dad was abusive to the mom or very harsh and abusive with the children as well. Abusive people are rigid, secretive, harsh and have difficulty showing feelings. The weight of the world lifted off me when I got him out---but it was the most terrifying time of my life. I left town for 2 weeks---until his anger subsided. I had a restraining order. He was the type to get over his anger quickly, fortunately. The only thing to do is make plans to get out.
• An Abuser will NEVER recognize his or her abuse. This is one of the main defining elements of an abuser. Let me add that there are people who have trouble controlling their anger ONCE IN A WHILE and are able to eventually recognize this and correct their behavior in time - BUT THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT BY DEFINITION ABUSERS. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS PERSON AND AN ABUSER IS THAT THE ABUSER CANNOT OR WILL NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR - AND- MOST IMPORTANTLY - AN ABUSER ENGAGES IN THESE HIGH LEVELS OF LACK OF SELF CONTROL REGULARLY - NOT ONCE OR TWICE.

By definition, an abuser does not recognize their behavior as being abusive. When challenged on this they engage in the following behaviors:

- DENIAL The abuser denies the abuse. They may say that the incident never occurred, that you are blowing things out of proportion, that you do not see the incident as it really occurred. They may even accuse you of being too mentally ill to recognize reality. They might say that you are in a "different world". Sometimes, as ammunition in this denial process, the abuser will bring up third parties who believe that he is the best thing since sliced bread to prove his point. The truth is that it is the ABUSER who is in another world. All attempts at being him or her back to this one are fruitless - they have created this world for themselves because without it - they are nothing - and they will not give it up for anything.

-FINGER-POINTING An abuser always shifts blame for his or her actions and behaviors to the victim of their abuse. This goes along with this little world they have created in which everyone else in the world is wrong - but themselves. Therefore, they make themselves believe that their behavior is completely justified - "if you have not set me off in the first place..." "If you would have just kept your mouth shut..." If you confront an abuser about his or her behavior you will always be the sole reason for that behavior.

- MANIPULATION In the beginnings of abuse - there are times that the abuser will manipulate his or her target with phony sorrow, empty promises of change, and even a period of affection, attention, gifts, and other tangible offerings. This is called the "Honeymoon Phase" in the cycle of abuse and it is the abuser's attempts to re-gain trust and control. But once that has been regained - at the first opportunity of vulnerability - the abuser attacks - bringing the cycle back to where it was before.

No one can change someone else's behavior because we all have a free will. IT WOULD BE EASIER TO MAKE A BLIND MAN SEE THAN IT IS THE MAKE AN ABUSER TO RECOGNIZE AND CHANGE THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR.

• Oftentimes, an abuser is so far gone that they cannot ever accept the idea that they mistreat. And oftentimes, an abuser knows she/he is being hurtful and cruel. Especially if they are an adult, they should know better.

If you are a child or teen, and someone from your family abuses you, tell someone outside the family, like a teacher or friend, and if you can, a police officer. Try the police nonemergency number, which gets you in contact with the police station.

Most times, DO NOT expect the abuser to change. If you are married to the person, move out ASAP, with the help of domestic violence groups such as RAINN. You deserve respect and love everyday.

• Leaving the abuser is a start. I was an abuser up until 4 weeks ago. In a fight [verbal]as they had been for years my wife crying looked me straight in the eye's said why do you do this, I said I do not know....She than with tears in her eye's said You make me feel like I'm in trouble. Those words made me drop to my knees instantly,she had never said that. I had feelings and memories of all our fights racing through my head. For the first time in my life I understood what was happening. I never felt worse in my life.It was a different feeling than I had ever had. over the next couple weeks I saw every bad relationship and I saw how I had abused every woman everyone.Today I live with those pictures in my head and have a new hart,I have been feeling emence feelings,feelings never felt before.I understood what I had been doing for 39 years. I could only say to myself what the hell was I thinking. before I had done any research I told my wife that I could see that I was in denial and for some reason I cant explain why I ever thought that behavior was ok. To me now everything I had done to every woman I was with was just terrible. I can not believe that I could have done this for so long and never see how abusive it was.We are divorced but I have helped with the moving out money child support and for the first time in my life I understand that it is my fault and my actions that have caused all the upset to our family. I know that this was an act of god and this was meant to be.I am recovering alcoholic 6 years, bipolar and ADD. She had made it through the drinking than unmedicated bipolar and ADD WOW what a woman. I can only be grateful today she said those words and left for if she hadn't I may never have understood and been able to turn my life around and work towards being more normal or at least not an abuser. It has only been 4 weeks but I have never had more sorrow for the woman I have abused. I have made amends to an ex-wife before this one and on ex girlfriend that I could find as well as my wife's friends and family.I have never felt better about seeing things the same as everyone else did..[abusive] I guess there is always hope that we [abusers] can come out of denial and get help and change for real. My hole life has been changed and everyday is new and bright,I enjoy having more energy and time for nice things. Being abusive was a hard and time consuming job.
• It takes years for an abuser to amend behavior after recognizing the behavior, because it is so pervasive in life patterns. They need to relearn how to handle the frustrations, etc. in relationships. And this is not a 4 week journey. See the comment under MANIPULATION and DENIAL.
• The "leave the abuser" seems to be the way to go. My sister has filed for divorce to get out of her situation (psych abuse). However, under current law in our state, neither party has to move out until the divorce is settled, so he is not going anywhere. She would move out in a minute, but has two young children that she obviously won't leave. The kids, btw, are also experiencing incredible levels of mental abuse. Finalizing the divorce is a long way off due to his tactics, and the abuse continues and escalates for all of them. Any experience/suggestions to share besides introducing his face to my fist?
• It is easier to move out of state before a divorce, since it is your right to take your children where you wish. As I found, once I had the divorce, there was a 100 mile limitation. She should consider that she cannot afford the house and move on to something she can afford with her income. The kids need to be moved ASAP and get counseling so this "abusive flu" does not flow to the next generation. She can rent and separate her affairs(there are post office boxes, codes to put onto utilities, etc.) and that should eliminate a lot of his control tactics and give her and the kids a safe place to live now--size doesn't matter. I made the plan and succeeded 10 years ago--I rented a storage unit and began moving my personal stuff there while he was at work and he never noticed. Leave the man and the house. Life is short
• Abusers rarely if ever take responsibility for the way that they treat others, instead project it on to the victims of the abuse, it is all about, control and manipulation. they say they are sorry, then you may think they have insight, however the pattern continues, and will continue to do so, even after you leave them , they will move on to another person, until they too see their true colours and hopefully move on too. abusers never change. unfortunately it is a pattern that they follow and will continue to repeat.

• My experience is---never.....I was married to an abuser (verbal and some physical) for.....THIRTY-ONE years; finally got a divorce. Abusers have something called a Personality Disorder; it is an all-pervasive...part of their character, rarely, if ever....can they change. I divorced him and then let him live in the house afterwards, because he made some changes.....Abuse IS ALWAYS A CHOICE. He has been with me for 3 years, now (I don't like to jump into anything, LOL), and I am working on myself, to tell him to leave. Because I got a divorce, my church family of 31 years voted me out of membership, with my name up on a big screen followed by the words: Conduct Unbecoming a Child of God....that is another story; the result: www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com...I had never heard of spiritual abuse until it happened to me. I fought the system for 18 months, to try and stop the pastor (of disaster, LOL) from "counseling" any more women, because 2 of them wanted to commit suicide. Waited 2 years and wrote the pastor, requesting reimbursement for what I had to spend in therapy because of spiritual abuse....I've also been published: (amazing, since I am a layperson) www.psychiatricjournal.com...entitled; The Transcendent Child on overcoming Verbal and Spiritual Abuse...by Alice Carleton......I invite you to read both sites, and love to hear whatever you have to say. I wish I had found the book 25 years ago---that saved my sanity (more or less) ..I believe this book should be required reading for everyone on the planet: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...I am also writing a paper about verbal abuse, in that it is the last, best-kept secret in the Universe...Hugs and Love to you all!
• Hello,I'm not sure if my b/f of 5 years is abusive or not. I have ran from my mother's unmentionable actions for 21 years. In a disagreement with my b/f he will refer to me as "Pam" my mother, knowing how much it hurts me. He has hit me once, where I needed stitches on my forehead, he head bunted me. He did apologize and never hit me again. Up till that point he had pushed, shoved, or held on extremely tightly to my wrist or waist. Now he will throw things, slam doors, hit his car, his pillows, etc. He loses his temper extremely quick. I wouldn't have even raised my voice, and he will have already lost his temper and started to hit things. I feel like he always belittles me, name calls, and does these things knowing it will heat up a argument more than what the argument is at, and to be hurtful. I have tried mirroring his actions, and he calls me "physco" when I do that. So I stopped. I've tried not helping him out of money situation he put himself in. I've called the police. He always denies what he is doing as abusive, and says he never has except the one time he hit me, which he did apologize for. As far as the hitting other things, he in my opinion justifies it by saying you did this. You know how easy I get mad, and you keep pushing me till I get to this point, I shouldn't have to... la la la. I feel like no matter what I do, he should NEVER reach that point. But the longer this relationship gets, the more I do not want to leave him, and the more I think I can change him, although I do it see everything getting worse. I don't know why. I don't want to leave him, I do want to help him, but I don't know what else to do? I've also mentioned to him, getting some help, if its a program, or what ever it takes, and he says I will when I have the money, or I'm broke right now and you know we can't afford that, or something along those lines.

• The question is not how the question is when? When will an abuser be able to fully become aware of the abuse? The only option I can advise is counseling. I have heard that this may not work, then I would suggest that the abused individual find a home for battered persons far away. When the abuser comes to term with his/her problem, then it is possible to have further contact with that person.
• I'm a 22 year old women who is currently going through a violent relationship. After knowing the guy 1 year as a friend he confessed he liked me, so together we made a decision to give it a go, day by day i noticed small backstabbing comments he used to make to me, i tried to take no notice and ignore it, but now it has gotten to a point where i am scared to say anything as he will edit my words, correct me all the time, pick on me for how i dress, talk, say things and sarcastically says " hello Happy" as if he is trying to make me unhappy, this will occur a few times a day. Then he will sit there and stare at me and say "whats your problem" - it isn't me with the problem i just don't no what to say or how to because whatever i do or say is wrong. Its got to the point now where i am scared to say or do anything as he will say some comment to me and shout at me that much i end up in tears, he then takes no notice of me and tells me to flake off, i really cannot take anymore abuse from him and i want to leave him but in scared as he has already told me to leave, but then said if i go hell make me pay for it and i will regret it.

  TO THE PERSON ABOVE ME, A FEMALE OF 22 YEARS OLD:

• RUN! I'm 22 and you just described last year of my life ....a few weeks ago, I decided to leave him. Woke him up and told him about it ....He then run after me, and broke my wrist....You don't EVER want know how it feels when someone is manually breaking your wrist....I can't thank GOD enough for it not being my neck .... Please , Listen to what I say, LEAVE , and never return his calls ever again

• First - if you are abused, regardless of your gender or orientation - see someone who specializes in domestic violence. Every town has at least one agency dedicated to domestic violence. Leaving is a very dangerous situation. You need someone to help you put together a safety plan.

As for the abuser - let's look at it this way. If the abuser punched a stranger in the face, what would happen to the abuser? Assault charges correct?

Why should anything be different if you're in an intimate relationship. Domestic Violence is a crime and should be treated as such. Those who abuse CHOOSE to abuse. They are well aware of what they are doing. Abusers are good at manipulating, playing the victim and blaming their behavior on you, their childhood or their general life. None of it is true.

They should be dealt with by the police & the prison system like any other criminal. They can have all the therapeutic interventions in the world, but the rates are very high for abusers to "fall back" on old behaviors. Take no excuse for their behavior. It's wrong, it's against the law & they are somewhere near the bottom of the pile when it comes to criminals.

• I know from experience there is no way to get them to get out of denial. But I feel so hopeless looking over all these comments that say, "Just leave him!" In other ways, my boyfriend is nice at times...but then he just turns into this raging wife-beater once he gets "sent over the edge." It's usually when I confront him with a problem, and he doesn't know how to respond. I feel so hopeless. I've even told him he needs help, but he denies it. In other ways he is so wonderful...I just wish he would get help. I love him.
• "Several men expressed their limited ability to verbally engage and debate with their partners," wrote lead researcher J. Williams Oliver. "These men felt overwhelmed by their partner's verbal skills." As a result, these men turned to violence "as the only recourse available to get control of the situation.'"
• I totally disagree with the mirroring method. I treat my partner the way I want to be treated. I lead by example. We are all teachers here. Has this stopped his emotional abuse? Not yet, but I believe there is HOPE for anyone who has the willingness to change. I have seen some improvement, because I call him on his behavior and tell him it is not OK for him to control, manipulate, or criticize me or whatever behavior he is displaying. This is very important to do early in a relationship because you are setting precedence for how the relationship will be in the future. I set boundaries and live in my reality and not his. I tell him of my personal wants and needs as well as my wants and needs from our relationship. At first he was not OK with me taking care of myself, because he thought it was his job to take care/fix me and to make me happy and it has taken sometime for him to adjust to getting nailed on his behavior, but oh well! I see improvement, yeah! Let them know it is not OK to be treated badly, no matter how hard it is. It gets easier the more you do it.
• The majority of abusers fully recognize they are abusive. The problem is they don't care or else they would value you as a human being worthy of being treated with dignity. Abusers abuse because it makes them feel better and your feelings are not a part of the equation. Eventually all deeds bear fruit, abusers do in fact get pay back in the end. So leave them to wallow in their own madness and free your self to enjoy your life and live fully.
• well what i have found helpful is recording the person on video tape or on cassette tape and when it gets bad let the person hear or watch them selves.then explain why you did it. because you love them so much and care for them but you don't like what they do and you wanted them to see it first hand.etc.......
• The real question is why would you want an abuser? They know exactly what they are doing and most of their maneuvers are well thought out plans to destroy you. It is thrilling for them. They love the power. They don't care about you in any way.
• Getting an abuser to recognize he/she is abusive depends on what is really behind the abuse. Some people may be primarily immature.

However, IF the abuser's real problem is a personality order, such as "anti-social personality disorder" (ASPD) then you're on a hiding to nothing. Such people cannot "own" their actions and project such things on to those around them. For example, if they are aggressive and violent, they usually claim that *they* are peaceful and that *those around them* are violent. Everything gets turned upside down and inside out. If you are unwise enough to try to teach them a lesson, they will at best claim you are persecuting them. Get out of the relationship! Personality disorders are incurable. Often what "powers" such people is rage. Never have dealings with people who are just downright evil.

• "You" can never get the abuser to recognize the abuse for what it is - ony the abuser can do that. All you can do if you are being abused is to help yourself by finding a support system and by making sure that you and your children (if any) are in a safe situation.
• Below are some quotes from above that hold true and make a lot of sense....

Some of the answers here are the reasons abusers do not seek help. The way I recognized it was after talking with my wife for a very long time (fight) I researched what an abuser was. The point is is that the abuser has to be willing to accept it. They have to have an open mind and only then want to seek help after they have accepted it. It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS PERSON AND AN ABUSER IS THAT THE ABUSER CANNOT OR WILL NOT CONTROL THEIR BEHAVIOR - AND- MOST IMPORTANTLY - AN ABUSER ENGAGES IN THESE HIGH LEVELS OF LACK OF SELF CONTROL REGULARLY.

But the behavior will never change unless they hit a bottom, and the only way anyone will ever hit a bottom is by suffering the consequences of their behavior.

• I see that the bottom line in a lot of the reading I have been doing is that if an abuser or someone who has failed to act properly is shown their wrong ways, they can change. It takes a strong person to confront someone they believe is an abuser, and you must give respect and credit to that person. Whether you are an abuser or someone who got angry to easily, if you are mature enough and willing to see your faults YOU CAN CHANGE! I would venture to say that those, whose first reaction is to run away, may be over-analyzing things. Again, this is just an idea I have gathered from the reading and by no means degrading what someone feels. And by running away, they may have lost an opportunity for something better by not confronting it. Now, if someone is hitting you, then by all means get out, there is no reason to stay at that point, and in fact you should report it to the authorities. Now, if someone is possibly abusing you by words or deeds, the mere fact of approaching them and letting them know may be all it takes. You may have to tell them more than once...but once that person has hit rock bottom (like mentioned above) the world will crash around them and they have no choice but to change or continue to live alone. If the "suffering of consequences" is strong enough, then the change is greater. Let's put it this way...if you start up a stove and touch it, it will start to feel hot, then a few seconds later you touch it again, it's getting hotter so you take your hand away quicker...but once that stove goes red hot and you still touch it because earlier it was not that bad, what happens? Your hand sticks to it, you get 2nd/3rd degree burns and have to see a doctor! Now are you going to do that again? Anyone with a lick of sense would not even think about it. You suffered serious consequences and saw what happened. I know that some will say that this is not the same and you are right, what person with any common sense would do that? Well, it happens, I am sure we all know some child who has done this and learned the lesson the hard way. But did we abandon that child? No, we talked to them and explained that it was wrong and if they continue, the same thing will happen again. Well, sometimes we, as adults, are those children. And we need that special person to put it in perspective to us, and once we see it for what it is, we do the changing so we don't "burn" again. Again, this is a personal view and not meant to debase anyone's opinion.

So, yes, you can get an abuser to recognize their way and change. It happens...that is why people seek counseling, read, and self-analyze. They see what they have caused and make the effort to change for the good. Just like posted above..."It is so much easier being nice and respectful. It takes a lot less energy.� If the changes take place then you benefit because you are now getting what you deserve, the respect and dignity you are owed by the person you once felt something good about.

DUMP THEM AND NEVER LOOK BACK, NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT MUCH!!!

- I don't agree with some these answers. There are instances where someone can change their abusive ways. It takes time and therapy, and if the abuser recognizes and resolves the issues they have within themselves, all is not lost. Will they regain the love and trust of their mate/spouse? That all depends on the other person. Some people can never get over the abuse. Some people can forgive and put the past behind them as long the abuser keeps up with the therapy and continues to show progress. Most verbal abuse can be based from a few things: abuse the abuser took as a child or even witnessed their parents doing so; low self-esteem; mental illness, etc... These things can be rectified by counseling and understanding by the abuser that they aren't thinking right. I'm not saying all abusers will change; some won't and you should get away from that person if the patterns continue. But anything can happen. Recognition and counseling is just the first step.

~I've been in a relationship or should I say an emotional rollercoaster for a couple months now with a guy who gradually demonstrated his abusive side. When I first met this guy he was all about showering me with compliments, flowers, gifts and favors...And this felt so good cuz I was just getting out of another controlling relationship. I saw no signs of abuse really toward me until about our second month of dating when he became enraged during an argument and started pushing me and squeezing me. Things escalated, police were called and he left with his things. I was actually admitted to the hospital because the next morning my neck felt as though I had suffered whiplash from the pushing and my dr admitted me to the hospital for xrays/Mri and a neck brace. Guess what I did? within 24 hrs I allowed this person who spent about 3 hours pushing me and calling me the worst names imaginable back into my life...Why? "Because I love him"...How lame is that? Since then I have found out that this person has a criminal past, has gotten me into legal trouble by affiliation, lies to me..constantly, sneaks my credit cards, takes money, borrows my car, takes steroids that turn him raging lunatic, just barely got a job after 3 months of being laid off, lives off me, does minimal things around the house, and continues this cycle where he gets mad becomes enraged, says awful hurtful things to me and about my mother and sister, threatens my life when I tell him he has to leave, threatens to kill my childrens father, oh, and I wouldn't want to leave it out how if the argument happens in a vehicle how scary that becomes... He does all this to me, leaves the house and then the phone calls and text messages begins with the "I am sorry's and then I love you's and please baby, please's" He even begs to see me and then becomes emotional with tears and the whole baby I am sorry I need you in my life and I need help with my anger and blah, blah, blah... And then stupid me....I believe him and then its good for the moment and then I start to see the fractures and the little tell tale signs that he's starting up again and then I brace myself for it. And I cant tell you why I hang on...I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be...I spend more time concerned about this relationship then living life, being a good mother to my kids, my job, my family, my friends and my well being. I walk through stores and I see other couples shopping and talking and normal and that's what I want... i just want to live a peaceful happy life because its our right to have and here I am messing around with this atomic bomb...and for what? I don't need him, I am attractive, I have a good job, I own a house and I have my own cars, so its not a monetary thing...Maybe its something inherit in us women where we want to fix them, You know be the one responsible for making these guys into better people, Sort of like mothering maybe...Its sort of a Co-Dependency I think. Here I am on what must be chance #15 and I promise, God willing and I have prayed about this, I will muster up the strength to put this man on the road and let him be somebody else's problem... All the morning coffee's, the I love you's, your the best thing that's ever happened to me and so on's and so forth's will not do it anymore, Life is to short for us to be doing this girls,(or guys) our lives or worth more than this...Its all just wasted time...and we have to move on and start experiencing how it feels to smile again.

I am 29 years old and I have endured living with my b/f for three and a half years. At first, he was very nice and loving to me and my family and I guess this is how it starts. Someone referred to it as the honeymoon phase and that term is exactly what it means, "a phase" because it soon ends. At first we would have petty arguments and he would say hurtful things about my family because he knows that really hurts me. Then it came to the point of constant name calling..names too degrading to repeat that would sink me into the deepest part of hurtfulness. He often beat me even when I was pregnant, he would even spit in my face (and this was worse that the beatings) because it made me feel like the lowest worthless person that he wanted me to feel like. He would threaten to kill me, bash my head on the wall and cut up all my clothes. I was so lost and confused with ZERO self esteem. After I had the baby he would call me a fat b***h in public and people would stare and I would cry but I never answered him even though I worked long tiring hours, took care of him and a baby, did all the housework, and did I mention I had to give him all my money. he never gave me anything really, maybe once a perfume but I did not care about that. He started hitting me in front of our daughter and she was less than two years old but understood it all and screamed in fear and I was too afraid to leave because he said he would kill me or my mother and kidnap the baby and I would never see her again and this is what I feared the most. AT ALL TIMES HE BLAMED ME and said I caused the fight or I pushed him to the edge. I kept it all from everyone . I would go to work like a zombie in space not knowing what will come next. The thing is I came from a good family and I dated guys before him but no one ever abused me verbally, physically or mentally and I did not know what to do because all my family lived in a different country. He loved to choke me whenever I had the courage to answer him or tell him he needed help. He said the cops and the court would never believe me because he knew the system more than I did. He loved to smash things and go in a rage. I later found out about his marijuana addiction that he hid from me..now I know where all my hard earned money went. I could not take it anymore and attempted suicide many times but could not go through with it because of the love for my daughter. I mustered the courage to tell my mom and she came and helped me get him out. He later started spreading nasty rumors about me that I was a wh*re and he left me because he found out. Now he is fighting me for our daughter. I left him about a year ago and he is still always around because he visits with our daughter but I wish I never had to see him. I have learnt that you need to open up to someone..do not keep what is happening to yourself. Even if you think he will kill you or you are too afraid..TELL SOMEONE who you trust and yes this is criminal action and should be treated as such. Do not stay for the kids sake because they will end up more screwed up individuals later in life. As women (or some men) we really love with all our hearts and we always want to find a way to make the abuser better, we try and try and get so exhausted and they keep getting worse and stronger and more evil and more in control. When I cried in pain..guess what HE LAUGHED AT ME! If you are reading this and you are in a similar relationship with verbal and physical abuse, please be strong and know you are a good person and deserve better. The people rarely change maybe with years of therapy and divine intervention but they have to want to and guess what THEY DON'T WANT TO..WHY? Because they live in denial and will never admit that they have a problem. don't waste time..choose to live a happy better life because one day you wake up and you are all banged up and ten years of your life (if you are still alive) has gone down the drain. Do not try to change these evil people. Do not hold onto false hopes and dreams because they fill your head with "I'm sorry" or "I love you's" or : I did not mean it"..it's all lies..Get out now!

Answer:

Jesus people wrote a lot here! You can't always get abusers to acknowledge or even recognize their abusive ways. They are probably already denying it on some level, and they can continue to deny it or justify it. You can't make them see it. Sorry :(

Answer: Asking that question positions you to be eating right out of his hand. YOU are abusing yourself by keeping that person in your life. YOU need to see it for what it is. Him getting you hooked into his psychological landscape asking those questions is HOW abusers keep people as muses and scapegoats. Cut an abuser out of your life. See it for what it is. Love yourself.

I have found that recognising the severity of the abuse my parents caused me and the emotional ramifications of this is helping me come out of denial and realise that i was was abused and i am an abuser. Right now i am fearful that my siblings are the same, but i need to believe in change.

Hey...I am "improving" not sure how to actually answer. THIS POST helped me SO MUCH! ...I love the last paragraph saying don't get hooked into his psychological landscape and be their scapegoats! This is exactly what they do...we become in a way their doormats and they walk all over us. I am NO LONGER one. DO not believe them...it is NOT your fault..it is THEIR FAULT. Run away please!

You don't, probably. It's too painful for them. Seems like they'll see it when they're ready.

You need to remember and write down the reasons you left so that you can come back to reality. Abusive partners can seem like the most charming, best friend when they are trying to entice you back into their web. During your first time away, spend your time doing things you enjoy and being safe. I had a therapist during the time I was leaving and for awhile after, which really helped. Your friends and family just don't have the boundaries to really help keep you safe. Also, move to another location and do not provide the abuser with the address. Put blocks on your phone, email and facebook.

Get support from a loved one. Abusers try to alienate you so that you must rely on them. Open your eyes and prevent the situation from happening again by staying close to people you trust and being weary of possible abusers. Never be away from family and friends. Lastly but most importantly develop a relationship with god and learn to value yourself

LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND REALIZE YOU DESERVE BETTER

Think of your child all grown up... would it be ok with you for him/her to be in the situation you are in? If not, you need to find any way you can to end it completely and safely. No matter what kind of abusive situation or unhealthy relationship the most dammage is done by repeating your choices and patterns.

• Try imagining yourself an enabler and you are enabling the abuser. That should make you see how wrong your part is in the relationship.

• Try to keep a journal right after you were abused! Then when you are thinking about getting back together read it!

• It's almost the second day since I have been without my boyfriend. I am pretty sure he is abusive and it is extremely hard not to take him back. We have been together a little under a year, but he surely has me. Our biggest fight happened on Saturday. I have seven bruises from him. I am trying just to occupy myself so I don't think about him. I haven't changed my number yet, but I might have to to keep him away. He is very good at reeling me back in. I am going to try my hardest and actually listen to my friends this time. That's my biggest piece of advice is to listen to your friends. They know more than you. They will see what you don't. I always thought he would change for me, for him, for us, but now I realize that he never will change until he admits he has a problem. He always says he'll get help, but never does. He always says that he is going to be better, but doesn't. That's what I realized about this type is that they are all talk. They know what you want to hear to get you back. He even sent roses to my work, showed up at my work with flowers and a teddy bear and money for the cell that he destroyed of mine by throwing it on the floor. I should have realized that destroying my property is wrong, no matter what. I know that I have a long road ahead of me until I am completely healed from him (emotionally and physically), but I also know that I deserve better.

• I volunteer for an Abused Women's Center and all women of any age or race can go to the Center and seek help. It is not a matter of just simply 'listening to your friends' but each abuser has a different MO. Some will curse you out if you leave and move on, while others stalk and threaten you (also family and friends) and sometimes the ending to the relationship can end up being a disaster (generally to the victim.) This is very serious so don't think you are just going to be able to walk away without some sort of repercussions and that's all the more reason you should have a plan to stay with a trusted friend or relative and have them go along with you to the Abused Women's Center and they will counsel you and protect you. These are reasons you should seek this help: #1 Abusive partners don't generally give up on their victim because they are into controlling and will 'tell you' when and if you can leave. Beatings can occur and sometimes they are brutal beatings. You need the help of a counselor to help you through this process. #2 If your abuser is stalking you the Abused Women's Center will provide you with a legal counselor that will protect your rights and hopefully put this abuser behind bars for awhile (although not long enough as far as I am concerned.) #3#4 A high percentage of victims of abuse go back to their abusers because they have been brain-washed and end up with low self esteem and a feeling that they aren't good enough to make it out in the world. The abuser has done their job well. The victim also feels that no other man would want to bother with them (again the abusers tactics to control.) So, the victim goes back to their abuser and the abuse generally becomes even more brutal. The death rate from abusing women has gone up in leaps and bounds. This is where counseling comes in so you realize it wasn't your fault for falling in love with an abuser. Abusers can be very charming and you don't always see the warning signs at first and eventually are blind-sided by your abuser. Counseling will teach you to watch for those signs and be more careful whom you choose to date or to live with or even marry. Abusive behavior is not love and don't even think it is. When someone loves you they treat you with respect, loyalty and share with you. Abusers are well aware of what they are and they will generally pick on shy or innocent victims. Abusers will show all signs of loving the person and in some cases can even give many gifts to them and show them a good time out on the town. They are foxy and will ever so gently begin to alienate you from your friends and eventually your own family. Abusers like to isolate their victims so they have more control. Once you live with an abuser (married or not) they have you right where they want you. Then you have lost control of your independence. You are a victim and have done nothing wrong to deserve any abusive behavior. Abusers have no back bone and while great at beating up women (of any age) they fear a one-on-one with another man. The Abused Women's Center will also take you to a 'Safe House' where you are well hidden and your abuser can't find you. You will be expected to do your share of chores there as well as take their counseling programs. Once legalities are out of the way then you can either go back to school or they will help you find work and a place to live.

• I know it may not seem simple and it isn't. As long as you realize you are worth more and deserve better than to get treated like an emotional and physical punching bag and get angry about it and you will free yourself. If you don't get angry about your right to be treated like a human being, you will be stuck in that horrible yo-yo relationship forever. Make a decision.

• I am truly proud of you for getting out and trying to stay away from him because not many women can do it. If you go back to him after all he put you through, then something disastrous could happen to you and you may not be so lucky the next time he physically abuses you.

• Women of any age who are in an abusive relationships are not stupid! They are warriors! Unless someone has been in an abusive relationship they simply don't understand what can happen to the victim and why that victim may choose to go back to their abuser. One must study abusive relationships in order to realize that their abuser is a master at his/her art of hiding their true inner abusive ego. They actually manipulate and brain-wash their victims as well as beat them into submission (fear factor.) Should the victim decide to leave they are thrust out in a cold hard world of reality and even though they may be blessed with family and friends backing them the victim feels they are not truly wanted and in some cases the victim feels embarrassed and a lesser human being because they lived with the abuse for as long as they did. If family and friends really want to help then they should study the mind of an abuser on the Internet. It is important that some people realize that the victim may have well been threatened by her abuser that if she leaves he will hunt her down and sadly this is often true and the end result can be devastating and can even lead to murder because in the mind of the abuser his victim is his property! The abuser will often threaten harm to her family or friends and if there are children involved the abuser will use this link to keep his victim close by telling her that she is a poor mother and he will get sole custody or, in some cases he will kill the children. When an abuser makes a threat the victim and anyone associated with her should take this to heart because the abuser will often follow through with the threat. Laws are slowly being changed to protect abused women. Abusers should get a jail term and the victim should be able to live a peaceful life and work and enjoy their private life without fear her abuser will catch up to her.

• Realize that you're better than they will ever be, and you do not deserve anything like that. I was in one myself and honestly the only thing you can do is be strong and keep telling yourself that you are strong enough to be without them. I'd rather be alone than be abused every day.

• You should never ever take an abuser back into your life. When they realize that you were capable of leaving you they will treat you even worse. Think about all that pain and suffering you went through. Why would anyone want to go back with that person. You are better than that. Either way they were wrong to have ever been abusive. You know you deserve better and they don't deserve you at all. I hope in a way i managed to help.

• If you are intent upon suicide, take the abuser back. They will eventually, after bringing as much pain as possible upon you, kill you.

• If you want to LIVE, don't ever look back. Move to another town/state/country if you have to, change your name, do whatever it takes to get away. There are battered spouse identity change programs at every hospital.

• Find a support network, people to help remind you why you left in the first place.

• I was in an abusive relationship for over five years. Until the end of that time, I didn't even realize how abusive my ex was. I thought I deserved it, his harsh words and the pain, but after I left, I still felt miserable. There were many days I thought of going back to him, but I had support from old friends who I had cut off contact with because of my ex. When they heard I was leaving him, they helped by not just listening to me, but pointing out to me all the bad stuff that they had seen him to do me, over the years. They gave me some of their confidence until I could find my own.

• Always remember you deserve better. Your heart will tell you what you want, but your mind will tell you what you need. Never ignore your mind.

I wish I knew how to answer besides hitting the "improve answer" button. That just seems like I am improving on someone elses answer and that is ot what I am trying to do. I am just trying to answer. Anyhow, after an entire life of battering, beginning in childhood (my father raped my mother and my mother was full of outrage and took it out on me all my childhood) I have been single and alone for more than five years. This was the best thing I ever could have done for myself even though at first I did not want to be alone and couldn't imagine not being "in love". But this time alone has given me so much insight into myself and abusers. Now there is not one abuser in my life of any kind, not even an abusive family memeber. If my so called "family" can't be decent to me they can hit the road just as much as any stranger. I can now spot abusers by their actions and attitudes and even the tone of their voice. I can spot an abuser who laughs inappropriately when there is nothing funny, or purses his lips in amusement when there is nothing to be amused about. I've been stalked as a single woman, sexually harrassed, preached at, solicited for prostitution, have known men who thought they could "buy" me and then own me. No one owns me, I am as free as can be, free to be myself. The hardest part has been financial but I'm okay with a simple safe and sane life. My advice, get your own place, one that you can afford, and you'll be greatful that every night when you come home from work you dont' dread going home to an abuser, and every morning when you wake up he isn't there to hate you. If you pay your own way you are essentially an equal (although you always were) and you can speak your mind and be yourself and if they don't like it, that's ok because they aren't paying your bills. And if they don't like what you say or do, however harmless, innocent or just human, all you have to do is walk away and you don't have to argue with anyone about your right to grow and develope and learn and make mistakes and do good things and just be yourself and a human being. I'd love to have love in my life. But since all I've ever had is hatred, contempt, hypocrisy, disrespect, double standards, domination, treachery, betrayal and the absolute denial of my needs and even my existence (yes! denial of my existence, a verbal denial), well I'd rather be alone. None of that stuff has anything to do with love, it is someone who is extremely bent out of shape because he can't accept the fact that he doesn't make all the decisions. Decisions are to be shared and you make choices and decisions too, and hopefully you have decided to choose the good.

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Love yourself. If you love yourself, you're not going to let anybody physically abuse you or even emotionally. Plus, I'm pretty sure you're gonna find someone better. Some who will really love you. I know it's overly used, but it's true love doesn't have to hurt.

Your family, in particular your mother, will be the best one to help you stay away from an abusive relationship. Therapy will work but without strong love you will not stick. Talk with your family and they will give you the strenght to say enough is enough. Always remember that only a mother's love cured your bad days through childhood. Build a bridge of trust with your mother, father, siblings and you'll prevail. No man is worthed to make you lose your self-respect and the respect from your family.

This actually happened to me... I left my wife for another woman, divorced one and married the other.

Now the problems started because I was still very much in love with my ex, and the steamy 3 year affair I had with my new wife wasn't as steamy anymore. The sex was still real good (better than with my ex), however, my heart was not as involved as my man parts were and it was killing me to see my ex, even when she wasn't there to physically see. I actually left my New wife after less than 1 year married to her, and was fortunate enough to be able to get back with my ex. Now I am home where I have always belonged. And after the last 7 years that we have been remarried to my original wife, I finally have her trust back. There's no place like home in the heart.

And you have to ask yourself... why are they an ex? Are they your True love? Will it really work? Are they still available? If all checks out what are you wasting time for? Go get them back and don't look back. Life is short get what's yours.

The grass really isn't greener on the other side, lust is sometimes a nasty foe to LOVE.

Another view

I also felt this before, then I was thinking, why marry someone that you don't really love? Because before, when we were still together, he just hurt me. I finally got tired of it so we broke up. But still, there is that feeling that you're missing him so I tried to look for someone who would help me forget him. Then there came a time that he asked to be with you again. But of course, you're afraid that he might hurt you again. So I chose the one that I have now.

Two years ago we met again and I just found out that he was still waiting for me, I was really overwhelmed and that happy feeling came back again, but it was too late. I was already pregnant. He was really hurt because he thought that I still loved him and was also waiting for him. Actually he was correct, no one can make me feel the feeling that he brings out in me, even if I just saw him.

So, before making a move, think about it first. Because it's really hard

when it's too late and you can't get back what had been yours before.

Another view

You need to choose. Marriage is about committing yourself. Not about being with someone you love but at the same time thinking about someone else. It's a bond and a commitment. You can't do that to someone if you don't know how it would feel if someone had that happening to you. It wouldn't be nice to be married to someone you love but they don't love you as much or are thinking about someone else. You need to choose. Either that or break it off and stay single for a bit. Maybe flirt around a while and you might seem to figure out if she/he was really the one or if you need to move on and find a better person in your life.

There are more fish out there in the sea than you think. You just got to find the right one.

Another view

Hope for the best or divorce, to figure things out instead of hurting the ones you love.

Another View

Everybody had feelings for all their relationships. Even if its a set up, eventually they will fall for each other. You got to interfere with your spirits. Get a paper and pen. Say what you dislike about each one of them. Ask your self who will be best for your life, kids and who is better in being a husband or more as a father. Love is all a trick, you have to be careful and put your love instincts behind your thoughts.

Here is more information:

• Well I came here to look for answers for myself. I am a man and feel as if i am being abused and it hurt me to read all there was on this subject. Everything read He, Him, Himself. Why is it always asummed that the one doing the abusing is a man. I am a man that is hurting right now and I can't find anything that puts the right shoe on my foot. Everything points to the man being the abuser. Why is this, why can't I find any help as the one being abused. Help.

• I am in the same situation as you are. What I do is just mentally replace HE with SHE.

• The emotional abuser gets "control" of your entire being. Without it they are "out of control". My step-son is in such a marriage. Beverly Engel must have known his wife - she had too - how else could she have written the book on the abuse she dishes out. I beg him to call the abuse hotline. He's so unhappy. He just wishes she would change - which we know won't happen. It's the saddest thing to see happen to someone you love so much. Being an abused male is not uncommon - it's just not talked about because men are suppose to be "macho". Speak up men! Speak out! My step-son talks to us often about his home life. But he needs someone other than us to talk too. I wish each and every one of you success in your relationships. We ALL deserve happiness.

• First and foremost they gain CONTROL control over your whole being. The moment this is taken away, by you leaving for instance they alter, say they want to change, that they are sorry to give them a second chance that they realise it was their fault. trust your instincts LEAVE , for they are just FILLING YOU WITH WORDS IN ORDER TO GAIN BACK THE CONTROL. abusers don't change they continue the cycle.

• If you notice in most of my posts regarding abuse I put "spouse" or he or she. I do work for a Women's Abuse Center in Canada and there are groups for men. I teach the abused women there when I speak with them that men often are abused as well. They are surprised to say the least. Mind you, the percentage is higher for women who are abused because there is simply more of us. The reason men slip through the cracks of being the ones abused is the fact that life has lead both sexes to believe men are the dominant of the two. Places like the Women's Center are re-educating people regarding men being abused and we are working on helping them as well. Most men are brought up by their parents that they should never strike or push a women and most men follow this rule to the letter. They can often go with a girlfriend or marry a woman that is verbally, physically abusive or even both. Many people feel that men can protect themselves from a woman's abuse, but not true! If a woman hits a man (and I've seen plenty of that) with an object, in most cases the man will take the abuse. Where does he go to get help? What would his buddies think of such a thing? The male is often left feeling frustrated and alone because he feels that no one will ever understand why he can't fight back. The point of it all is, if you did fight back you would become abusive yourself. Phone your Mental Health and tell them what is going on. They will lead you to groups that can help you deal with the problem. Just as I often say to women facing abuse from a man, get on that phone and get some help to get away from this person. If children are involved in your relationships it's extremely important that until your abusive wife gets help you take the children along with you because if you don't the already frustrated and angry wife will take it out on the kids and you can bet your money on that one. I don't know if the men on this board are aware of the fact that if your spouse hits you in any way you can actually phone the police and have her arrested! Yes, you heard me right. I've seen it over and over. For the first offence the woman is held for 24 hours in jail. If her spouse has been badly abused (hit with a hard object, has broken bones, bruises, welts, etc.) the male victim can persue this and take her to court. Just wanted you to know that some of us on this board do realize that men can be abused both verbally and physically.

• You bring up a good point. I don't think that everyone here "assumes" that men are all abusers or that men, in general, are bad. In forums such as this one, I would tend to think that more women than men write and share their experiences. This is true in real life as well. Also, battered women rarely speak up about their experiences until they get out of the bad situation. It's even rare for a battered woman to open up and talk about her experience(s) on an anonymous chat board. Typically, men are more likely to keep emotions inside (not a sterotype, but rather a fact). When it comes to opening up about something as personal and emotionally/physically painful as abuse, I would think that even the incredibly small number of women who decide to talk about it still outnumber the number of men willing to talk about it. Hence all the "he's" and "hims" on this board. NO ONE deserves abuse. Male OR female. Physical, verbal or emotional. NO ONE has the right to abuse you. NO ONE has the right to lay a hand on you out of anger or without your consent. And NO ONE has the right to make you feel bad about yourself, less than human or less than what God originally intended. My advice (for what it's worth) is for you to replace the "hims" and "he's" with "hers" and "she's" (when reading about abuse, victimization and recovery) to work through your situation and succeed in healing (notice the word "succeed"). See the posts as being written from the perspective of the writer, which will (as I said above) be a female victim talking about a male abuser and not an across the board opinion of abuse or of all men.If you read some of these posts, you will know that you are definitely among friends here. And do you realize, by writing what you wrote here, that you may have helped or will help another abused man in healing and recovery?

• Men are definitely not the only ones dishing out abuse. This is a human affliction, not a gender affliction. But men probably struggle with coming to realization that they are being controlled or manipulated. It does in fact happen. I know. I fell deeply in love with my current wife, immediately. None of us are perfect and we all will have moments of bad behavior I am sure. But abuse is just at least a knotch above and seems to be insidiously pathological. My wife is a Pentecostal Christian and invited me to come to a meeting at a local home. Away we went. The host claimed to be a "prophet" who was hosting a "faith healer". I watched and attended the whole meeting. On the way home my girlfriend who is now my wife asked me what I thought. I said something to the effect of "That was interesting and I don't think I swallowed one bit of that performance. Especially the part where after being faith healed for a chronic sore back the individual procalaimed that they thought it felt a *little* better" She proceeded to tear an absolute strip off of me, lecturing me on Christianity and morality in general. I was aghast to say the least and a little indignant that I did not get my intellectual discussion with my girlfriend. The danger sign in all of this that looking back tells me is that it was all my fault and was left that way, primarily out of her asserting a moral perjorative.

• I don't know what they get out of abuse. But my husband was so nasty that he could not take my independence. He could not take it that I was thinking and challenging him. I am still in the process of getting out of the battering. Only God can help me get out of it completely.

• One poster mentioned it was just not men and women that were abused and that is so true. Children, the elderly and even pets can be abused. Having studied abuse and helping abused individuals, I find that abusers usually come from an abusive environment themselves. It has nothing to do with whether they are highly educated or if they have a low education; race, poor/rich has nothing to do with it. Abusive people somewhere along the line feel they can't express what they really feel so they harbor these feelings until they go off like a bomb (and all do.) A person may have grown up in a family with no abuse, but somewhere in their childhood their peers (sometimes bullies) or even in the workforce, the individual feels picked on, duped and left out of society as a whole. They often end up with the lack of confidence, feel they should be better that they are and basically feel like a failure. Believe it or not for a high percentage of abusive individuals they hate themselves for what they do, but they are like a runaway locomotive and can't seem to stop. Thus, they live in a bubble and control those around them and that involved their spouse, children and even the family pet! It is more likely that abusive women will go for counseling then abusive men. Another poster brought up the fact that some abused women are more open about speaking of their abuse either during or after, while men are more apt to hold this secret within them not knowing where to turn for help and that is true. Men feel if they go to a psychologist, report their wife to the police, etc., they will be "found out" and considered weak or a fool. Not true! Each case is very individual and can vary. I have a friend whose son is married to a very abusive partner. One night in bed he was woken by a shock from a blow to the nose. As he staggered into the onsuite bathroom to see what had hit him (it was his wife and she was drunk) she came up behind him with a golf club and nailed him behind the knees. He hit the floor like a rock. As soon as he could gather his composure he headed for the phone and called the police. His wife was taken away in handcuffs and her husband let her cool her heels over night in jail. When she got home he told her that if she ever hit him again he would press charges and take her to court and that would be the end of their marriage. He offered to back her if she wanted psychological counseling, but she refused. She stopped the physical abuse, but she is now into emotional abuse and practices it often. For those men out there that take physical or emotional abuse you have the right to seek legal counsel and get away from this abusive relationship, just like a woman has a right. Abuse applies to EVERYONE on this board be it a woman, man, child, the elderly or even someone mistreating their pet.

How abusive women can treat their husbands:

Verbal Abuse: (most popular)

• Calling the husband names such as 'useless'; 'a wimp'; 'will never amount to much'; 'a poor lover', etc. She is trying to degrade him.
• Taking advantage of putting down her husband in front of family and friends in a sneaky manner (others are able to take her statement two ways and may not know if she means what she says or is joking) but the husband gets the message.
• Following the husband everywhere in the house and not leaving him alone to relax.

NOTE: There is a gray area with verbal abuse. Example: If the husband continually ignores her when she asks him to fix something around the house; never takes her anywhere; does not help her raise the children, etc., then there is bound to be some nagging by the wife and this does not constitute verbal abuse.

Physical Abuse:

• Slapping, biting, kicking, scratching or throwing items at the husband.
• Not allowing him to go out with his friends on occasion.
• Never letting him have any time for himself.
• Making him come home right after work and no excuses.
• Segregating him from his family and friends.
• She refuses to have anything to do with him, family or friends.
• Destroying articles that mean something to the husband.

Note: A physical abuser whether female or male with often segregate the victim from his/her family and friends. They keep their victim close to them and demand that all attention is on them and the victim must do as they want and not what the victim wants. This is a web of deceit so the abuser has total control over their victim in order to physically abuse them.

Using their children:

I've seen women use their children as tools to manipulate and control the husband. Such as telling them if they don't do certain things or if they do certain things that the wife doesn't want (I mean extreme controlling type behavior) that they will leave with the children.

• Women stay in abusive relationships for a variety of reasons, it is never that simple. They may believe that they can work through issues with their partner and the abuse will diminish. It is never easy to leave someone when the heart is entangled, just because there is abuse doesn't mean there is not love. There may be a fear of being 'alone', but it is not usually just that that keeps them. Victims of abuse often suffer from high levels of insecurity and low self-confidence which makes it easy for them to be convinced by the abuser that they are at fault for their abusive behaviour. So, often the woman may feel that if she changes her behaviour then the abuse will stop. It can become a cycle that becomes more and more abusive over time and leaves the woman feeling so hopeless that she begins to accept her partners abusive behaviour.

• Yes, and it also depends on the culture of the woman. In some culture women are not "allowed" or afraid to leave, it could be so that they don't bring shame to their family...a lot of times they stay for "the kids" not realizing that they do more harm to their children when they stay in an abusive relationship. Abusers also chose women that have issues, like insecurity thus making it easier for them to control the victim. Also, in this day in age, the victim is no longer just a woman, it can be a man, in the gay/lesbian community, transgender community. Rich or poor, educated or not, violence exists and I think the cycle can be broken if the children can be taken out of the violent situation in time so that their generation has a chance to make better choices and live different lives.