How can a woman with a history of abuse dissuade herself of the misconception that her present non-abusive partner will be abusive so that she does not sabotage the potentially healthy relationship?

Answer 1

Abusive behavior directed at a non-abusive partner isn't triggered by any misconception that her partner will be abusive. The abusive behavior is more like an immediate, reflexive defensive act against even the slightest hint or suggestion that a hurtful action may be forthcoming from the "nonabusive" partner, and all this according to a very negative and even paranoid interpretation by the woman of her non-abusive partner's behavior. And then she may never recognize or acknowledge her own abusive behavior unless by some crisis or extraordinary instant of enlightenment she finally sees her behavior as it is. But that isn't enough. She couldn't correct her "misconception" by her self, but by steadfastly and steadily working through the problem in therapy. Some abusers adamantly deny doing any of their abusive acts and will likedly never change.

The victims of prolonged, persistent, and sadistic abuse often experience Post Traumatic stress Disorder (PTSD) and other, related, reactions. You need professional help to overcome these after-effects. Joining an online or offline support group also helps.

I think you and your partner both need counseling. Especially you. If you have any kids, they need it as much as you do. That is probably the only way to get over your fear. You probably won't be able to do it on your own. It's not your fault, it's just the way the mind works.

I totally know how this woman feels..... She must go and seek professional help, to help restructure the way she sees things...or else the fear will dictate her life. I wish her the best and hope that past abusers will not ruin her life. Remind her that she does not need to be ashamed to go for counceling....It part of the process to healing.

c.