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If you were in an abusive marriage is it normal for your 18-year-old to be angry and mean to you?

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The abuser may recruit his children to do his bidding. He may use them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target.



He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.

I think it is. From past experience (my own), I realized that children and teenagers are very easily manipulated and get confused quite often...then hold grudges against one or both the parents. They act with anger because that's what they've seen in their short lives (I was like this). As time went on, I realised who was telling lies, who was scared and I ended up feeling totally used by one of my parents. I had some therapy and some life experiences to help me understand my relationships with my parents better and decided I would change too. You can't change your ex but you can instill positive things into your son, even if he's not the most pleasant person in the world. First off, I recommend some therapy to sort your head out. I also recommend not talking badly about the other parent to your son. This hurt me so much when I was growing up. By not talking about the ex, you show your son you are dignified and not out to manipulate him. Encourage the things he likes etc. This is a pattern that can be broken....I decided one day, I wasn't going to let my mother'S abusive comment upset me anymore. When she would say something, instead of getting mad, I'd listen and ask her questions and discuss things with her. And decided she wouldn't affect me in that way anymore. I don't know how much abusive people can change in their lives but I do know we now have a relationship...whereas before, we just fought.
 
If the Mom was abused, then stood up and got a divorce, the childrens' applecart has been overturned too. In their minds, this was normal behavior, this is the way we always treat Mom. It's called identification with the aggressor. The child had to believe the abuser was right in order to survive and has had his or her mind controlled along with the mother. So of course, the son is upset. He has identified with the father and now sees his father's control did not work in the long run. He feels divorced too. Hopefully, the son gets help.
 
It is normal because the abuser normally has an active or �aggressive� approach in the relationship. While the abused is bound by moral and unshelfish restrictions not to take actions that can be understood as manipulative, for instance, the abuser do not feel him/herself constricted by those.
My oldest daughter showed this behavior. Since she was at an age in which she can understand the complexity of human relations, I decided to spoke with her in order to put things in a broad perspective. She understood and realized how she had been manipulated by her mother. Soon, the mother noticed the situation and considered my daughter�s new attitude as disloyal towards her, so she started to became aggressive with her too.
Thanks for the feedback!

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If you have yelled and wanted to throw things at him which is not normal for you does this mean you are the abuser?

Yelling and throwing things is immature behavior and if sustained, it is, indeed, abusive conduct - even if it is in reaction to abuse. There are "grown up" methods of dealing