What do you do when your best friend physically and emotionally abuses you?

Answer 1

Unfortunately, this person is not ACTING as a best friend. Possibly it is not intentional, but the deal is that you should reasonably expect that a best friend would act in your best interests, and be a safe person to be with. And your expectations are not happening. You need to reduce this person's status to an acquaintance level, setting new boundaries.

Why would you call someone like that - a friend?

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.

(1b) Mirror His Behavior

Mirror the narcissist�s actions and repeat his words.

If, for instance, he is having a rage attack � rage back. If he threatens � threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house � leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious � act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.

(1c) Frighten Him

Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.

If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal � use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way � they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

(1d) Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1e) Play on His Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it � I will desert you").

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:

Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).

It will always be a challenge following Sam Vaknin in answering these questions as he is so thorough and knowledgeable, but I have a little suggestion that might be helpful. Buy the paperback, or check the following book out from the libary: I Hate You, Don't Leave Me : Understanding the Borderline Personality, by Kreisman and Straus. They suggest an approach that goes by the acronymn SET. I can't find my copy right now (I think the hypomanic bipolar person I was trying to help took it), but basically its a 3 step process that guides you in what you do and say. It involves setting boundaries, responding to the abuser with language that doesn't diminish their abusive behavior but defuses it (somewhat), and something else I can't remember. If you really need it, you'll learn it, remember it and practice it. Who knows, it might help. -Jim

Stop calling that person a friend. Because friends don't abuse friends. Then stop seeing that person.

You need to simply pull your pants up and walk on and put this person on your shoulder and let them roll off of your back and NEVER look back.....RUN......this person is NOT your friend. You don''t need them.

If your best friend is emotionally and physically abusing you. You don't need to worry about enemies. When they say " hold your friends close and your enemies even closer" I don't reckon that's what they meant. Would you let your worst enemy come up and knock you square in the mouth?

Then why do you afford your best friend that luxury?

Almost 2 weeks ago I had to finally walk away from an emotionally abusive female friend that I have known for 22 years. There is almost a 22 years difference in age and now that she is older she should have learned something and been more mature. I found her to be ego-maniacal, selfish, always talking about herself and never listening to anything I or anyone else had to say. Other friends she had simply just disappeared out of her life, but because I had helped her through a very rough patch that stemmed some 10 years there was a bond that kept us together. Not any more!

A very wise psychologist once told me that when someone makes you unhappy most of the time it's time to cut them loose and that means family and mates. These types of people rob you of your energy so much so there is nothing left for yourself or anyone else. We all go through rough patches in relationships, but when you are doing all the giving and listening and your friend gives nothing of their time to you and you can't count on them it's time to move on. I have and I must admit it has left a hole in my life, but I'll get over it. I have given this person too many chances and they simply aren't listening. Now I realize that they will never change and they just don't fit into my life...

Sometimes it is hard to let go a friend you knew for ages! but the only thing you can do is when your friend attempts to physically abuse you, stand up for yourself and get help.

It is clear that the person needs help, that will show how a good friend you are by showing that you really care on what is going wrong. You can get help from a family member or else the counciler. Talking things out with your friend may be the only solution and it is also a healthy way to release the anger.

If the friend keeps on repeating the behaviour, my advice would be that you have no chance but to stop talking to him/her. The importance is that you have done your best to be a great friend.