Your heart has no peace in your new marriage?

Answer 1

I have always been a bit of a player during my 12 year marriage. I had a problem of always wanting to feel wanted and needed and to know that I could still pull. Also the excitement of a first date and the first kiss which very rarely led to sex was an addiction to me. To get eye contact in a supermarket or to get a smile from a girl walking by. All true and all wrong when I look back on it.

Two years ago I felt I needed out of my marriage due to me just wanting to be free and be the open player I always wanted to be... no more telling lies or making excuses but just having my own apartment and living it up! So I left my wife. When I called up an estate agent a lady came to show me the apartment I was interested in... knowing me... I tried my luck and one thing led to another and one year down the line I'm now married to her. At first the sex was amazing. I felt I was liberated and I honestly didn't mess about one bit because I had all I needed at home! We made love 3 to 5 times every day for about 6 months before getting married...now we're married it's only 1 or 2 times a day, but the quality is getting better and better still!

So what's my problem? It's this... I have a 7 year old boy and a 9 year old girl with my ex-wife. With my new wife she has a 6 year old boy, a 12 year old daughter and a 14 year old son.

A few things have happened here:

#1) I feel I have betrayed my children by having more kids and thus depriving them time from me simply by having these new kids around. If I were single and living alone it would be easier for all of us to deal with. I realize this might simply be in my head but this is how I feel.

#2) I feel guilt and regret to the point where every week I think of ways of leaving my current wife so I can be single and at home and ready for when my first ex-wife is ready to come live with me. I know she still wants me and this just hurts me inside. I feel I want to make amends and put things right.

#3) I was wrong in so many ways to have left my first wife but I am still shocked how she never really fought for me and just let me go.

#4) I'm very confused. My heart is not in my current relationship because I really don't think I am in love with her... our relationship was physical from the start but she went into a psychotic obsessive relationship mode with me after a few months. I tried to leave her about 8 times over nearly 2 years and each time I can't get rid of her. Right now I feel I need to just end my relationship and never have another relationship again as all it does is cause pain. Single life for me then I guess.

An non professional answer:

First, you got one thing right. You've owned up to the various ways you went wrong.

Two, starting at the end of your story, your solution is the same solution that you've tried in the past, JUMP SHIP! Recognizing a problem and escaping is not going to end the cycle. Until you put your 'big boy' pants on and actually deal with some of your issues, you will do repeat the same routine over and over. And yes, the children (all of them) are the ones who pay the price. When you marry someone with children, you are making a obligation to them also.

A marriage is a partnership, commitments were made. When you have a problem in a marriage, the first one you need to work with is your spouse. Right now, that is your current wife (phrases like psycho and get rid of are not the words of an adult in an adult relationship). Whatever you do in relation to this marriage, you should do it WITH the partner in the marriage. That doesn't mean just telling your wife how you feel and that's that. Communication is explaining to your wife that you are not happy, how you feel, how does she feel about you and the marriage, and actually discussing (not telling each other) what would be best for both of you.

The only problem for the children is your own guilt and lack of maturity. They're innocent, they didn't make the mistakes. But when you married their mothers you created a 'family', whether blood or not. And families deserve to be respected and treated accordingly. With a little maturity and commitment to their needs instead of your own, all five children can be a family, IF they can depend on all of their parents. How all of these children feel about themselves and each other will be how their parents behave toward them. And I warn you, their learning years are short, so stop wasting their time with your issues.

Whatever role that your first wife plays in your future must be derived from how you and your current wife handle your own situation. You can't 'fix' one problem by creating a new one.

There is one other warning that may play a big part in your previous behavior; that is, you may be your sabatoging relationships as a form of self-destructiveness. This is something that you should consider seriously. I also recommend that you find some type of professional to help, not only to untangle the problems that you've created, but to learn how to prevent such mistakes going forward.