How can you make someone see that when an abuser appears furious at something that the victim is doing or has done it is actually his abusive attitude that creates the conflict in the first place?

Answer 1

I'm not quite sure if you mean family members, friends or the abuser that you are trying to make see that it's the abuser's attitude that creates conflict. All you need to know is NO ONE has the right to abuse you! Also, you have no right to abuse anyone. To fight back at an abuser is dangerous and it leads nowhere. If you have had enough of the abuse it's time to seek help to get out of the environment you are in and never mind what others think or understand. My rule of thumb on this "Until you have walked a mile in that person's shoes (the victim) no one has a right to comment negatively." YOU know what goes on behind closed doors. There is no need to try and convince anyone! YOU CAN NOT CHANGE YOUR ABUSER! Abusers are usually the product of the environment they either grew up in, or an environment they created for themselves. Still, this is no excuse because they know they abuse and therefore, they should have gotten psychological help for themselves, but seldom do. Abusers are sneaky, vicious, under-mining and when they abuse their mate, a family member, children or the elderly it is suppose to make them feel superior, but only for a brief moment and thus, the abuse continues. Abuser's only know one word "control!" They can't control society or the world around them, BUT, they can control who is in their home. Abusers are actually weak and fear society as a whole. They often feel they have not been treated fairly or they should have all the things others in society have. They may resent the fact they weren't lucky enough to make good money or brought up in a family with money. They see themselves as much more intelligent than the average person and therefore, they are angry that they aren't rewarded for their intelligence. They feel "they missed the boat." If the abuser was abused by his/her parents then they grew up with deep-rooted anger. Children can't fight back against their abusers so they suppress their anger until they are old enough to leave home and the anger spills out and the abuse is a chain reaction. Other abusers could be in a job where they work hard and never seem to get anywhere in the company and instead of changing companies they internalize things and become angry. Some abusers are simply just mean to the bone and have no real reason for their behavior. Abuse is in every culture, race, rich or poor and the famous. Don't hang around your abuser and think they will change. It's a road you are going to have to travel and many women make the transition of getting help from their local "Abused Women's Center" and getting help fighting the system against their abuser and end up leading normal and healthy lives. Many formerly abused women end up meeting and marrying a wonderful man and leading a very normal lifestyle. Your are stronger than you think hon. Good luck Marcy