I'm darned proud of you for coming on this board and asking that question. Many men would just sit by and let it happen (too lethargic or don't like confrontations.)
This is a very tough one because mothers usually have more control over the children than men. It's time you were stern and this is what you could do:
Send your daughter off to her grandparents for an evening or a friends. Then take your wife out for dinner and spend sometime alone. This is when you lay the big one of her. Be firm, but don't argue! Tell her from your heart what you don't like re her actions with your daughter and add (for your own protection) that you could change in the way you think as well). Let her know you aren't going to sit by and allow this behavior. Of course she will probably have a fit, but stand your ground, don't raise your voice and tell her you mean it. Either she goes with you for parental counseling or you'll see her in court. Mean it! Whatever you do you don't want to upset your daughter with the thought of her parents arguing over her because children will always blame themselves for the messes adults get themselves into.
I wish you luck and I hope you stick to your guns and both seek counseling on the proper way to raise your daughter.
Thanks again for caring for the small voice that isn't heard ... your daughters!
Here is something I received in an email and I hope that you highlight it and print it off and nicely show it to your wife. It's cute, but it's words "out of the mouths of babes":
A GROUP OF PROFESSIONALS POSED THIS QUESTION TO A GROUP OF 4 - 8 YEAR OLDS: "WHAT DOES LOVE MEAN?"
"WHEN SOMEONE LOVES YOU, THE WAY THEY SAY YOUR NAME IS DIFFERENT. YOU JUST KNOW THAT YOUR NAME IS SAFE IN THEIR MOUTH. BILLY - AGE 4
"LOVE IS WHEN A GIRL PUTS ON PERFUME AND A BOY PUTS ON SHAVING COLOGNE AND THEY GO OUT AND SMELL EACH OTHER." KARL - AGE 5
"LOVE IS WHAT MAKES YOU SMILE WHEN YOU'RE TIRED." TERRI - AGE 4
"LOVE IS WHEN MY MOMMY MAKES COFFEE FOR MY DADDY AND SHE TAKES A SIP BEFORE GIVING IT TO HIM, TO MAKE SURE THE TASTE IS OK." DANNY - AGE 7
"LOVE IS WHEN YOU KISS ALL THE TIME. THEN WHEN YOU GET TIRED OF KISSING, YOU STILL WANT TO BE TOGETHER AND YOU TALK MORE. MY MOMMY AND DADDY ARE LIKE THAT. THEY LOOK GROSS WHEN THEY KISS." EMILY - AGE 8
"LOVE IS WHAT'S IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AT CHRISTMAS IF YOU STOP OPENING PRESENTS TO LISTEN." BOBBY - AGE 7 (WOW)
"IF YOU WANT TO LEARN TO LOVE BETTER, YOU SHOULD START WITH A FRIEND WHO YOU HATE." NIKKA - AGE 6 (WE NEED A FEW MILLION MORE NIKKA'S ON THIS PLANET)
"DURING MY PIANO RECITAL, I WAS ON STAGE AND I WAS SCARED. I LOOKED AT ALL THE PEOPLE WATCHING ME AND SAW MY DADDY WAVING AND SMILING. HE WAS THE ONLY ONE DOING THAT. I WASN'T SCARED ANYMORE." CINDY - AGE 8
"LOVE IS WHEN MOMMY SEES DADDY SMELLY AND SWEATY AND STILL SAYS HE IS HANDSOMER THAN ROBERT REDFORD." CHRIS - AGE 7
"LOVE IS WHEN MOMMY SEES DADDY ON THE TOILET AND DOESN'T THINK IT'S GROSS." MARK - AGE 6
"YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T SAY I LOVE YOU UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. BUT IF YOU MEAN IT, YOU SHOULD SAY IT A LOT. PEOPLE FORGET." JESSICA - AGE 8
I typed this out in hopes you would print it out for you and your wife to ponder over when you meet with each other. These are not just silly words out of 4 to 8 year olds, but for myself, it made me feel somewhat ashamed of myself that most of these children are much wiser, smarter, listen more, love more than most of us. Who are the adults here? I also wanted to show you and your wife what deep feelings children have and what they hear, see, smell and touch and it can stay with them for the rest of their lives. Instead of blaming each other please come to some agreement on how your daughter should be raised. After all ... you both are the adults!
Good luckMarcyAnswerI liked this point of view.....if the subject was about a normal parent.This is only my experience.My husband and I have been separated for a year. He walked out with " I don't love you." My little girl(she was 4), and myself were devastated. She just worshiped the ground he walked on and he dropped her like a he didn't even know her. He did pay attention to her at first, but when things got overwhelming for me watching her suffer (I wanted to get help, work things out, he ABSOLUTLY did not), I would go to him and say things like Please get help, Please help me, Go with me to get help, We want you, We need you, We Love you, he backed off. He went from seeing her several times a week, calling her several times a week to seeing her for a couple of hours on Sat. or Sun. He will say things like,If you don't stop crying I'm going to leave or If you don't behave I won't come back. The other thing that changed is that he is involved with another woman and his attention is focused there. These people live in a fantasy world of their own making. You think you have gotten through to them but you don't. You can't appeal to them based on the child's feelings or needs, they have no empathy or compassion. I have had MANY of these talks with my husband. They pick out what THEY want to hear, usually something to justify themselves in some way. They are not to be trusted. Here is an example: I have tried EVERYTHING to get back with my husband. I did not want a divorce.My husband came to my house Christmas Eve went to church (I had been tring to get him to come to church for months) with us, spent the night in my room, received gifts from us, ate with us, just like a normal family trying to get close, except I didn't invited him, we never discussed it, he just did it. (Entitlement) I'm sure the thought never crossed his mind that he wouldn't be "wanted". I'm thinking maybe we have a chance after all. Monday morning he goes into the therapist office and tells her he "could care less" about the marriage, he sees himself "definatly out of the marriage" in the next year. He's "moved on". Tells her about his girlfriend and some big tale about why they weren't together at the moment and they were going to move in together. I DIDN"T KNOW HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND. He told her he had a sex with me because I "offered" it (so much for the great love for the girlfriend) He used her to tell me about the girlfriend and their plans. He STILL has not told me himself. Normal people do this??? I feel like an idiot. I am so pissed that I fell for it. Shield your child as much as you can. Undo anything rotten they say to your child as soon as it happens, even in front of that parent if you have to. Like: Mommy or Daddy was wrong to say that, it wasn't nice, true, selfish etc. Don't bother appealing to the parent. At this point, while is is a pain in the a--, my husband visits our child at our house and I can control things, once he moves in with the girlfriend I hope he just is so wrapped up in "true love" that he forgets we exist all together.....until she dumps him we are safe.So for being long winded, but kids get hurt the most and it needs to stop. AnswerThat was a wonderful post and thanks for sharing. You are right when you say some parents just don't care (usually a man, but every so often a woman) and I feel so badly you and your daughter are going through this. My girlfriend has a 10 year old daughter. The father has left the home (moved in with mom and pop and he's 45 years old!) He comes in and out of their lives opening up old wounds with his daughter and it's tough, so I do know what you are saying.
Here is the bright side; I have talked to people who have been through it. Just because someone fathers a child doesn't make them a father and the same goes for mothers. The 3 women I know kicked their husbands right out of their lives. I won't pretend it wasn't hard on them, but between family and friends they got through the worst part and believe it or not all 3 women have found wonderful men in their lives. One has gotten married and her daughter loves this guy like a daughter should love her father and they have a great time together. The other two are taking it slow and easy and one is engaged, and other one just met this great guy. So, I agree with you. Kick this guy to the curb and move on with your daughter. I just know you will find someone that will treat you the way you should be treated and more importantly, your daughter will have a real dad!
You did nothing wrong and I stand up and clap for you with great pride because you did everything you could to keep the family unity together for your daughter. He might have changed, but obviously he is too self absorbed. You are one strong lady, and you will have a great life, whereas this guy is going to be a lonely old man. THE HEAD OF THE SNAKE ALWAYS TURNS AROUND AND BITES YOU IN THE BUTT! He'll get his! When he's old, alone or living with a woman he thought he loved he'll live with regrets and when he wants to make amends with his daughter in years to come, she won't be there. He'll have to live with that.
Good luck hon2006 is going to be a better year for youMarcy
Unless the father of this child has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist/psychologist then it's second-guessing as far as labeling this man narcissistic. Just because a person is selfish, doesn't consider others but themselves, isn't careful as to what they say to others and hurts their feelings, doesn't mean they are narcissistic. They are just plain and simply egotistical idiots. I take it you are the mother of the child. The only way to minimize or eliminate the damage of any bad habits that the father puts upon the daughter is to take the daughter away and get sole custody and you would have to get a lawyer and go to court for this.
that depends on if the mother has custody over her daughter or not. It also depends on how old the daughter is. If she is under the legal age limit, then the mother is still responsible and makes all decisions for her. If the mother does not have full custody over the daughter, then the mother and the father of that child must come to an agreement on the living whereabouts of the daughter. If the mother has legal custody over the daughter and the daughter is not of legal age yet, then yes, the mother can bring the daughter over too.
Yes, to normal mothers that saying is true. However, sometimes there may be indifferences between mother and daughter, but this doesn't mean the mother doesn't love her daughter. Then, as the mother ages there are illness' that come into play with such diseases such as Alzheimer's or possibly strokes can cause the mother to be the hardest on her daughter, but the mother doesn't know any different. Mothers are no more perfect than their daughters and if a daughter is smart she'll look on her mother as a woman first (with feelings) and a mother second.
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