How do you leave the man you love - but who beats you?

Answer 1

'Pack a Bag and Leave... NOW'

You first have to resolve yourself to the fact that he will never change, no matter how much you love him. Neither you, nor anyone else, can change him, no matter how much or how hard you try. The beatings not only WILL continue, but are very likely to get worse. His anger, and whatever the cause of it (which is actually not about you), will continue to escalate, possibly ending in your death. Graphic words, I know, but, sadly, they are true. Pack a bag and leave, but it's best to do it when he is not home. Go to a trusted family or a friend's home, or to a women's shelter, but leave NOW.

His abuse is not your fault, nor do you deserve to be beaten - no woman ever deserves that. And even though you will find this hard to believe right now, after you leave him, your only regret in doing so will be that you didn't do it sooner. You will experience a calm peacefulness that you either never knew, or forgot what it felt like. You will also come to realize that the love you feel for him now is not as strong as you thought it was.

Try to imagine a calm, peaceful life, a safe life, being able to get up every morning without being afraid, and without wondering when the next beating will be. And without wondering if this is the day he will kill you. That life you just imagined can be yours if you just take that first step and leave - now!

Quite often, a woman comes to be dependent on her abuser both emotionally and financially, believing she is not strong enough to make it on her own. Sometimes this is because her abuser has made her believe this. Abusers are experts at making their partner believe she is not smart enough to make it on their own, and at making them believe they really are as stupid as he says they are, and that no other man would ever want them.

I have never yet met a woman who later discovered she wasn't strong enough and smart enough to make it on her own - every single one of them learned they were much stronger than they ever knew they were. And they also learned the love they felt (or thought they felt) for their abuser very quickly faded.

You have to get out NOW, before it's too late. Don't worry about gathering up material possessions; they can always be replaced, but your life can't. Bring only what you need for now.

Once you do leave, do NOT let him talk you into going back home to him. He will probably start out telling you how sorry he is for what he's done, and that he will never hit you again. Do not believe him, because when that doesn't work, he will probably try threatening or intimidating you. Don't let him. It is yourlife, and you need to take control of it. Even though it may not seem as if you can do this right now, I promise you that you can, and you will, if you just take that first step. But no one can take that step for you - you have to do it yourself!

If you believe his promises of never hitting you again and go back to him, he will see you as weak, and easily swayed, and he will know that he has finally won that last bit of control over you. That's when he will get mean, really mean. He will be angry at you for leaving him, and he will feel the need to prove he is in control of you, and the beatings will likely be worse than ever before. Much worse. And then where do you see yourself a month from now? A year from now? Five years from now? You have only one life, so do you really want to spend it like this? And if you do go back to him, you very likely won't have a life a day, a year, five years from now - he may very likely kill you long before then.

So once you make that decision to leave, you need to resolve to leave him for good - no matter what he says, and no matter what the circumstances. There is always somewhere else to go; you do NOT ever have to go back to him - no matter what he says, and no matter what the circumstances.

There are two questions that I always tell couples to ask themselves about their partner, no matter how much they love each other. The questions are:

1. Is s/he good to you?
2. Is s/he good for you?

Although these questions may seem similar to each other, they are two very different - but equally important - questions. If you can't honestly answer "Yes" to both of them, then that will speak volumes. In addition, merely the fact that you asked how to leave your abuser also speaks volumes. You know you have to leave, and you know you are ready to take that step. He is not good toyou, nor is he good for you.

If you have children, please, don't think you are doing what's best for them by staying with your abuser. NO marriage is far better for children than a BAD marriage. For them to be exposed to such behavior can have lasting effects on them, none of which will be good ones. And abusers have been known to turn on the children, abusing them, too. You owe it to yourself, as well as to your children, to get out of that relationship - now!

Please read the information in the link I am providing; it will give you information on how to keep yourself (and your children, if you have any) safe, and how to make it on your own. The single most important step for you to take right now, though, is to walk out that door, never look back, and - most importantly - never go back.