Marriage

How do you stay in a marriage with a person who has children that are not yours and stay in love with that person even though it seems that the persons children are always the issue in the marriage?

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July 16, 2015 7:32PM

Well if you two really love each other then I think that you two would be able to work it out and not let the children get in the way. If you two really care about the children and the relationship then don't let then kids get in the way. I would understand that it would be hard to deal with but just try it for a while longer. And if your relationship is not working AT ALL then I would suggest that the best thing to do is divorce but I guess just think about it and talk it over. Sorry if I didnt help you.

You need to be honest with your wife about your concerns. Is there any way you two could go to marital counseling?

Marriages with stepchildren are often hard, and may take many years before some sort of balance is required. It takes a lot of patience.

It's understandable that your wife loves her children and sets priority to them, however, the other spouse may feel resentment or have issues of discipline in regards to the children.

The children need to know that you are both authority figures in the household, and that while you may not be their father, you are concerned for their wellbeing. Your wife needs to notify them that they are to treat you with respect and that her relationship with you does not threaten her love for them in any way.

It's definitely difficult, especially when the child(ren) are used to getting their way with Mom. Whatever happens, don't let Mom dictate everything, especially if Mom asks for your help in making decisions. The kid(s) will always look to Mom for the final word, so work something out with Mom about her not overruling you unless its detrimental to the kid(s). If Mom is unwilling or unable to do this, you will always have difficulty dealing with her kid(s) because of this. It also doesn't help if Dad becomes a factor in your relationship and intrudes, especially if you're not doing anything wrong in helping to raise the kid(s).

Before getting married, GROUND RULES SHOULD HAVE BEEN ESTABLISHED about respect and how things are going to be done in the house, PRIOR to tying the knot. Otherwise, it is EXTREMELY unfair to the spouse, the children, and the relationship.

Don't expect to get married and have magical behavior and understanding formulate itself. This all goes with being responsible. If the spouse is a great guy, he will handle issues that come up, but NOBODY should be exptected to tolerate constant disrespect and hurtful behavior.

This is something that should have had MANY talks and a solid understanding before getting married

Well you knew the children were there before you got married so you need to realize that it was a package deal. You have to realize that you are the one comming into their already established family and you have to earn their trust and respect. You also have let the childrens real parent do the disipline because as a step parent you will be resented if you try which will only cause more problems. Just try to be more of a friend to them at first until they warm up to the idea that they now have a new parent in the picture. More than likely they are having problems adapting to that fact more so than you are. Try to put yourself in the childrens shoes and see things from their point of view, its not easy to change things quickly, just be patient, kind and loving with them and show them that you care just as much about them as the real parent does. They will come around, but not if you and the other parent are at eachothers throats all the time. That's not a good invironment for the children. That will cause them to be hostile and disobedient.

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