How do you tell your wife whom you love that you have met your perfect match and have fallen in love without cheating?

Answer 1

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Married 8 yrs , together 15 yrs , 6 yr old son . I'm 36 shes 33 , together long time how could i not not love her , many yrs of our lives . things are OK , but meet 41yr old women , and think she is the perfect one . we have falling in love ( have not cheated other then hugs , and mind ) she is in new relationship but wants to be with me too . here's the thing , how to tell them ? we really don't want to hurt anyone , but this is hurting the two of us. And yes there has been no sex !! This is killing me . so please help

Opinion

It seems to me that the hard part of your dilemma is not how to tell your wife, it's deciding whether or not you really want to abandon a relationship with a woman you love and have spent 15 years of your life with...not to mention your 6 year old son! For what? You think this woman is your "perfect match," but then, that's what you thought about your present wife 8 years ago when you married her. What makes you think your relationship with this woman will last even 8 years? And then what? Another "perfect match?" A lot of people, both men and women, have put (notice I didn't say "found") themselves in this situation and have made both choices. Some will tell you that leaving was the best thing they ever did...and others will tell you that staying and making it work was the right decision. No one can predict how things will work out with you, but considering the fact that you seem to love your wife and son, leaving seems to me to be the wrong choice at the wrong time. Leaving because your relationship with your wife is irreparably broken is one thing...leaving because the grass appears to be greener...well, that's entirely something else. I would urge you to think this through as it is not only your life that will be affected, but your wife's and, more importantly, your son's. If, however, you decide to leave, the best way to tell your wife is to be up front and honest with her. Anything less will only increase and prolong the pain...and it almost certainly will make it harder for you to normalize relations with her which will be necessary in order to reestablish your relationship with your son. Best of luck in whatever you choose to do.

Answer

Every marriage goes through a "stale time". This means you are so use to each other like a pair of old slippers. The routine is boring and both of you have not sat down and communicated well in your 8 years of marriage. It takes more than sex and producing babies to have a good marriage and you can never stop working on it. Many people at sometime in their lives feel the "call of the wild" to walk on the wild side and are actually looking for someone whether they realize it or not. Things just don't happen! You were looking and this new lady friend of yours was looking as well! Instead of finding greener grass on the other side of the fence start working on your marriage. If your wife knew you were even interested in another woman it would devastate her and your child as well.

Remember, your wife has had to put up with you all this time and you and your new gal friend are bright, shiny and new to each other, but if you leave your wife you'll just have another set of problems. It's your call! Something to remember ... YOU TOOK MARRIAGE VOWS!

answer

Are you a christian? If you are, read proverbs 5. You will surely reap what you sow. In the beginning it is so sweet, but it leads to despair. God has his ways to show you, and you know what, it's in his hands, no matter what you feel. It is wrong. on the other hand, making your marriage work will be rewarded. that means get completely away from this so called perfect woman. As the world would say what goes around, comes around. If you aren't a Christian, do as you please, the Devil will not correct you. He will applaud you, but guess what, his way is death for sure. If you proceed with this so-called wonderful, meant to be relationship, remember this post, later when you are devastated.

Opinion

I totally understand the situation you are in. There is no need for people to keep pushing their views across so firmly. Can we leave religion out of this problem? I do not know if I will affect you in any way. Why not take a step back and review the whole situation? For all you know, you might be happier in either route you finally choose in the end. Live for yourself as well.

Answer

For the poster above, for those that got married in a church in front of a Minister, Priest, etc., it is meant to be in the eyes of God! You are taking vows to each other and even some couples will make-up their own vows and it always undoubtedly says, "I'll grow old with you and love you forever!" I would think even two adults in love would know that no one can make that promise. If you don't believe in the vows in the church then why marry in a church!

It's obvious the person asking the question is in conflict and I admire him for coming forward and considering his wife's feelings which tells me a lot about the character of this man. It's good! He has a conscience yet he needs something further in his life. How do you know that they do or don't communicate well and the fact is, marriages can grow stale and it's up to the couple to communicate well with each other to see how they can rectify problems and often times they can. There are very few that actually fall out of love (the fact is they were never in love) and find someone else, and if this is true in this case then by all means he should be honest with his wife and move on. However, it doesn't appear there has been any communication and this is the man's life and each of us should give our best opinion on this whether it be from a religious point of view or any other view and let him decide on his own what to do after reading these posts. There are also children involved here so it's not about just his needs or his wife's needs but also the needs of the children. Children take separation or divorce of their parents extremely hard, so this man has to think hard and clear what the ramifications of his actions could do.

Opinion

Yes, I agree that offering help to the person asking the question is good. Hope I am not being argumentative about this. I am very new to this site, I had thought and still think that this site is for everybody. For the record, I am Asian and I an married for 5 years but not in a church. Why I say I understand him is because I am in the exact same situation as his except I have no kids. I have a conscience, but what good does it do? I had told the other party that I am bound by my responsibility as a husband and I cannot be with the other party. But I do not know how to put the pain that I am currently feeling in words. It was me who allowed the mariage to take place. My wife loves me and that I know. What can I do? I have talked to her about this and I had also tried COMMUNICATION but it do not seem to work. I realised that at this point in time, everybody had told me to work things out for the marriage, and that having a wife who really loves you is truly a blessing. But why am I feeling so miserable? Is loving somebody better than being loved?

Opinion

There are no answers to a question like this one. The only way to know what to do is to search your heart, write, live it out for a while, and when the time is right you will know what to do. I am in a similar situation. While I am not pleased with thinking myself a "cheater", I am in love with another. Someone very dear to me that was ripped away in adolecence. I have a bond with her that I never had with my spouse. Marying her was what was right at the time. But, she and I have been down different roads of recovery and mine is leading away from her. I am always thinking of the children. And it is for that reason I will make a final decision soon. There is no good role model in a father that is depressed and angry because some promise to a higher being trumps all. God is right here on earth today and he lives in our decisions and choices we make with what he gives us. Let yourself be at peace with this terribly tragic and difficult decision. God will give you exactly what you need when you need it. Don't let anyone force you into a corner. You are the only one who will have to live with yourself and your new arrangements. I will pray for you. This is not fun. This is not something new and exciting. This is troublesom and heartbreaking. Be at peace and all will come to light.

OpinionHere are some concrete questions and things to consider before leaving. For those of you who insist on bringing religion into the topic--the question isn't should I leave my wife. The point I want to make is that we all fail, we all face challenges that are too much for us. Do not be so judgemental to those who struggle with this--marriage vows are made on both sides and they are impossible for any human to fulfill them every day. My opinion is that if you are in love with another person and are tempted to leave, you need to sit down and review all the consequences. Divorce is terrible pain, no matter the reason and no matter whether you love the person or not. I didn't believe those who told me this and even though I don't love my ex anymore, I still suffered immense pain as did he. If you are going to leave the marriage--much better to do so in honesty and before you have cheated. If its going to happen, do it the most respectful way and be absolutely sure what you are doing. Consider whether the relationship with the new person is a REAL one--do they only fulfill one thing you miss in your life? It can be misleading since your relationship with that person may be meeting one need your spouse isn't providing, but your spouse is still providing others that you haven't realized this person is missing. I agree--if you are just in a "the grass looks greener" position, then it is certainly better to stay for your child and family, but if you are truly in misery and have tried counseling and everything with your spouse (after breaking contact with the lover) then that's different. I would say that in order to fully make this decision you must distance yourself from both people. Move out of the house and be by yourself for a month. If you can't live on your own and be happy, then your own insecurity is obviously a factor in any relationship. If you can, you are making a decision while having no contact with either party and will truly be able to see what choice you can live with. If you don't do this, you are simply playing both sides of the street and that is very wrong. An emotional affair is even more dangerous than a purely physical one--don't fool yourself. Hope that you are able to put a lot of thought and consideration into this decision. But the sooner you decide the better for all involved.