How long after you divorce your narcissistic spouse will take for the pain of the emotional abuse to subside?

Answer 1

I'm answering this question as the child of a narcissist, not the (former) spouse of a narcissist, but I think - I hope - my answer will be helpful anyway. You can recover from this, but it will take time. First of all - get some counseling. Do not attempt to handle this on your own. You need the assistance of an informed, trained, objective, and compassionate person who understands the dynamics of a narcissistic relationship, and who can guide you through the process of healing. You have been wounded. If this were a physical wound - if you had been shot for example, which is something you would probably find preferrable to the pain your relationship caused you - you wouldn't try to recover without the help of a physician, would you? Seek counseling, NOW. Second, don't think that you can ever really forget what happened - or even that you should. Only by remembering, and by trying to understand, can you avoid the same mistake in the future. But you have to place the memories in perspective. Third, you must believe that you are not the crazy one. Your NPD was most likely an expert at making you feel that YOU were crazy, that YOU were a liar, that YOU caused all the problems, that if only YOU would change, try harder, be better - then everything would be just fine. This is the game narcissists play with people, and they are very, very good at it. Now here comes the hard part - You have to forgive. You have to forgive yourself for getting into the relationship, and most difficult of all, you have to forgive the narcissist for what they did to you. You may feel that you can't possibly do this - but if you don't, THEN THE NARCISSIST HAS SUCKED YOU IN FOR LIFE, AND THEY HAVE WON. If you can't forgive, you will never get their poison out of your system, and you will never have a healthy relationship - EVER. How can you possibly forgive the pain, the mind games, the lies? There is only one way, and this is where a good counselor or therapist is vital - you must learn to recognize that Narcissism is a response, a defense mechanism, to an unbearable pain. Somewhere, somehow, the NPD in your life suffered an emotional injury that they have no ability to cope with or recover from. They can't even face or admit their hurt, let alone deal with it. Narcissism is to be pitied, because the narcissist can never lead a full, healthy life. BUT YOU CAN. Seek help now. Please. If it helps any, please believe that you are lucky - you had both the ability and the strength to walk away. My mother is the NPD in my life, and I can't walk away, as much as I would like to. She is in her late 80's, and I am her only child. She has no one else. I have had to face the fact that the only way I can recover from her narcissism is to keep her in my life, because my conscience won't let me turn my back on her. I have learned how to forgive BUT NEVER FORGET. I have managed to recover from her poison while still keeping her in my life. I have managed to build a happy life and a healthy supportive marriage to a wonderful man who appreciates the hard work I have done to be well. You can be happy again, too, I promise. Good luck, and God bless. For me the evil words accompanied by all the shame and blame that has been heaped upon my shoulders are forever burned in my brain. I have known my N for 28 years, we were married for 13, he cheated numerous times and blamed me for it. I have 28 years of stories and memories. Hopefully you don't have as many. Good Luck and Give it to God.