Is a narcissist playing mind games when he tells you he loves you and then in the next sentence or two says he doesn't love you?

Answer 1

He's probably just telling you what he thinks he thinks you want to hear so that he can get in your pants. The previous post is not very helpful.Sorry Redbeard. N's like to confuse, manipulate, twist and tweak your perceptions to gain control.TO THE PERSON THAT ASKED THE QUESTION: Please read some of the posts here that deal with "gaslighting" and other forms of manipulation. Maybe it will help! ==to the male narcissist== With respect to the person who asked the question, we would have to assume this person IS dealing with a narcissist as he/she IS asking a narcissist related question on a post re: "narcissists". My point is, underlying a lot of the questions on these posts, one can sense the pain and concern of those who ask. I believe your answer, though very detailed, actually does little to address the crux of the question. Those who have dealt with an N know it would not be out of line to ask such a question. Wow. After reading the "how to spot a narcissist" faq page, I can see how distorted and biased the writer of that page actually is (and the repercussions and information related to it). Even though the writer, Sam Verkin, claims to be a narcissist himself, and although his credentials are based in philosophy, the *Narcissism* that he describes is a Disorder. The term obviously has other implications than the simple dictionary description that I have used in my reply below. The psychological description that has been posted in this forum takes the simple act of self love and preference of self over others and hyperboles to such an extent as to call a narcissist a liar, an egotistical, maniacal manipulator. In regards to the Original Poster, unless he/she too is a master of philosophy and psychology then there is no way to diagnose a psychological disorder alone. No discredit to your question is intended, but "saying he loves me" and "immediately says he doesn't" does not seem like a "master, egotistical, lying, manipulator" is at work. Seems more like the actions of a confused youth, in my opinion. What degree of "narcissism" does he display? Using the "Recognizing a Narcissist" FAQ page along with other material (aka. TV, Magazines, Newspaper articles), we could say that an informed depiction is very difficult to create but easy to apply, based on the "facts" of narcissim that one has to work with. If it's as hard to spot a psychological narcissist as Verkin describes, then how would someone who is in a difficult relationship be able to properly, and without bias, diagnose this disorder? Could they be looking for something to "blame" the relationship's problems on? Take for example a quote from Doctor Verkin's FAQ page: "Narcissists are by definition liars." Liars are by definition liars. Narcissists by definition are ones who love themselves primarily. When it becomes a problem is described by the Personality Disorder "NPD", correct? So in light of this new "information" (narcissists are liars), would the poster not also be a narcissist? Trying to fix and rationalize his/her relationship problems by branding his/her partner as a manipulator and liar without examining the possibility of his/her own shortcomings? Is that not lying to yourself? If in fact the narcissist in question here does love you, but is aggrevated by your questioning of said love, then reading my post below could *possibly* offer some insight as to what problems may exist and methods to regain the trust and respect deserving of both parties. I don't claim to be an expert, and I also sure as heck don't claim to have NPD :). As an interpreter of the Orig. Poster's comment, I can only offer my side of the story. If in fact the narcissist in question here does NOT love you, then there are probably other ways to find out besides stating "Do you love me?". Again, the questions I posed to the OP regarding the couple's previous engagements may help shed light on this situation. I point you to the questions: How does he treat you with friends? With family? Alone? Do you feel equal, more important than, or less important than the "narcissist" in question? Do you have open lines of communication, where both sides of a story are able to surface and be discussed civily? There are other questions you can ask *yourself* to see if the problem lies with yourself, the other party, or most likely both of you. If the OP is dealing with a real, diagnosed personality disorder then the problem is beyond my unprofessional scope and professional help should be sought immediately. If you don't feel right during any time in a relationship, then you should cut it off! It's that simple! Don't prolong your discomfort and pain in a relationship you do not enjoy...you would think that would be easy, wouldn't you. Then again, there's a reason you're going out with HIM, is there not? :) From Wikipedia: Narcissism describes the character trait of self love. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissist) Don't forget that Narcissism is *only a term* - we prefer style and fun over rules and obligations. Narcissism only describes one part of his personality, and may only represent a small percentage of his feelings, beliefs, and values. How have you determined he is a narcissist? Has he told you explicitly, or are you using this term based on assumptions you've made and articles you've read? Magazines are hardly a reliable source of information - always remember that they are made for entertainment in order to sell copies. The best source of information, in my opinion? Personal experience. To directly answer your question: It is not a silly "mind game". Mind game is a "magazine" term used to cover-up the real issue of relationship miscommunication and place the blame on a partner/friend. If he's going out with you, then there must be a reason, right? He is probably not ready to enter a long-term relationship because a) you might be asking questions that are very difficult to answer and because of that, b) his frustation, having to constantly endure such questions, leads him to believe that any further advance in the relationship would only beget more questions, and more frustrations! While he may love you, he most definitely does not love being questioned constantly on that fact, and he may feel that you do not trust that he loves you. If you're questioning him on that, how does he know that you also do not doubt other things he says? Your partner seems unsure of how to proceed at this point. Depending on your ages/committment levels, you may be bringing up the term "love" too early. You may be pressuring him into a "long-term" relationship that he is not comfortable with. He most likely finds you attractive and may enjoy your company, but may dislike the constant "attachment" that you seem to expect. Don't associate him with cheaters, players, etc. because he dislikes attachment; in this case, I'm suggesting that a bond exists between the two of you. You may be expecting this bond to be intimate and close most, or all, of the time. He may be expecting more time for himself and more personal space. This conflict, left unresolved without comprimise, can be unhealthy for your relationship. For example, it is common knowledge that boy's night out *means* boy's night out! Just as you would expect personal time with friends, so does he. Invading that time expresses mistrust - when he says he's going to the bar with his friends, he's probably going to the bar with his friends! If he enjoys your company, loves you, finds you attractive, then there's no reason for him to cheat/play you. If, however, one or both of you are insecure in your relationship, or putting undue stress on the other (among MANY other things), then there is a lack of satisfaction (and indeed if there is no satisfaction in a relationship then it is not much of a relationship at all)! The way you've worded your question sounds like you're putting him on the spot. It's his frustration that is causing a "no" answer; if you ask him such questions, make sure that they are heartfelt and honest. For example, the question "Do you love me?" instantly insinuates that you are doubtful, placing him in a defensive situation. That doesn't seem very heartfelt, does it? :) A better approach to the question would be a more indirect "I love you." Indeed that is heartfelt, expresses your feelings, trust, and emotion towards him. If he feels the same way toward you, then he will find ways to express it. He might feel like his actions speak louder than his words, and if you are questioning him constantly, he may feel like you are "missing" the point! Take a look at all the things you've done together, and how he has treated you at home, with friends, with family, and alone. Have you had fun all the time? Do you enjoy the company of his friends? Does he enjoy the company of your friends? Has he protected you from trouble, or comforted you when you were feeling down? How long have you been going out together? Does he trust you, and do you trust him? Those are some starter questions you can ask *yourself* that will help you reflect on your time together and shed some light on the direction that your relationship is going. You should take baby steps in communication with each other. Go back to the basics: place emphasis on doing what you say you will do, finishing tasks together, chatting and making jokes...things that couples "do". If you're not ready for sex, then set a comfortable barrier and explain it outright to him. Maybe he feels a tension exists because he does not understand where your limits are. Again, communication is very important here. If he is only looking for sex (which is common, and very unhealthy), then you would be wise to leave him and find a much less shallow person. If he does truly love you then you will have to talk it out and find a way for him to be sensual around you without breaking your limits. However, if you are sexually active, then make it fun, and make it often :) There's a reason there are thousands of sex-help books on shelves. Sex and intimacy are key elements in a healthy relationship, and if you use sex correctly along with the rest of a good relationship, there is no reason for either party to leave. NOTE: Sex should never be used as blackmail, contraband, or as a "reward". You should never feel pressured into having sex, and you should never pressure another person into having sex. If you both love each other then sex should just come naturally and at a time when you are both ready (although you'll probably need some practice the first few times, especially if it's new territory :P) My final words: learning to comprimise and earning respect with one another are both valuable aspects of a relationship. Take your time, and *don't rush into things*. If all else fails, the worst that can happen is a breakup...and like the oft-used saying goes, there are many other fish in the sea! But remember, there must be a reason he's going out with YOU, right? :)