Is it abuse if you say no everytime your spouse wants sex and he gets mad and keeps trying?

Answer 1

There are a series of jurisdictional, moral, ethical and legal issues which have arisen and which have not been addressed.

Coerced sexual intercourse is not a crime in every country when it is within a marriage, neither, surprisingly, is what countries such as the US and the UK classify as "marital rape". I suspect that because the question poster is apparently able to withhold sex (for whatever reason) then he or she is living within a jurisdiction that does not recognise coerced sex or marital rape as an acceptable part of being married.

With that in mind, the very notion that "One thing that you have to realize in a marriage is that you are responsible for your spouse's sexual needs. There is a certain amount of sex required to a 'normal' man and an entirely sexless marriage is not normal."is utterly reprehensible and I must say, irresponsible. You have an absolute and unmitigated right to refuse to have sex with anyone - even your spouse - in most developed countries. While an entirely sexless marriage may not be a social norm, it is wrong to try and classify as "not normal" - it may well be normal for certain couples - indeed, I doubt many octogenarians have anything but an "entirely sexless marriage". There should be absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that you are "responsible" for your spouse's sexual needs. That answer in itself borders on coercion.

The main point you should consider is that there is clearly something wrong in your marriage (as evidenced by your spouse's anger) and that is what you should be focusing on. There must be a reason why you are withholding sex - you need to figure that out first and then, if you are inclined, try to address it if it can be addressed. Otherwise, you should be prepared, as has been suggested, for the eventuality that your spouse may well seek sexual gratification elsewhere.

As regards your actual question, the answer is most likely "No, it is not abuse" - it is perfectly natural for your spouse to have sexual needs, and to want those needs fulfilled. Being his or her spouse means that he or she will automatically expect you to fulfill those needs - but that does not make it a spousal right (in most countries). You could try laying down the law and being very clear that there is to be no more sex and no more attempts from him or her to persuade you - but even if he or she persists, I'm not sure you could make a charge of abuse stick as in many countries it will have a very clearly defined statutory or common law legal definition which you would struggle to satisfy the elements of.

However, you may be able to persuade a civil court that the pressure is unacceptable and obtain a remedy through a restraining order or something similar - but really, that is using a sledgehammer to crack a walnut. Hope that adds value to the other answers for you.

I've kept this answer gender neutral, because we don't know the sexual orientation of the relationship

PROLOGUE

I am summarizing the arguments presented in answer to this question. I shall not interject my own opinion and I shall do my best to portray every view as accurately and dispassionately as I can, except that I'm going to add a small section entitled "Advice" at the end, which I shall also attempt to keep neutral. I've moved all the answers intact into the DISCUSSION section, for your perusal.

I do want to add one caveat. The term "abuse" has two forms: One is as a part of speech or language; the other relates to a crime specified under every State penal code and quite a few child protective codes as well. "Abuse" as described in the question does not meet the legal requirements for a charge of Abuse in America's court system, so I'll not be using the term Abuse in its legal context.

Answers

It appears that most people who responded to this question feel that a spouse consistently refusing sex to her spouse is unusual within the context of a healthy marriage.Actually,in a relationship without any committing of marriage,it is not a bad idea to refuse sex since you are not married.Even if you are engaged,you could actually refuse sex because he may turn out tomorrow and give a shocking story 'I'M NOT GOING TO GET MARRIED TO YOU'.But you must have a reasonable reason why you don't want to have sex with him. Many appear to agree that this behavior has the look and feel of an aggressive tactic or attack, and displays some manipulative aspects as well (e.g. in the sense that receiving reinforcement for enforced abstinence or denial of sex is not "Abuse" and thus is acceptable, rational behavior). It is further noted that denial of intimacy, sexual or psychological, can be an aggressive attack, and certainly detrimental to any relationship, especially a marriage.

Another set of answers points out that no-one should be coerced into having sex. Extreme coercion with physical force is legally rape, regardless of married status. Lesser coercion leads to a lot of problems in relating, and an unhealthy imbalance of power within a relationship.

It is noted that there seems to be a dysfunction in certain intimacy and communications problems within this relationship. It bears noting that any relationship in which one party requires a degree of intimacy the other person is not comfortable with, for whatever reasons, has some serious problems. It's further noted that some counseling may be in order.

Also,not having sex with your spouse is not an abuse because you must have your reasons which you should try to make him or her understand.But in the case where you cannot cope any longer,why not back out of the relationship and get your life going?

Advice:

It is clear from the question that the two of you have reached an impasse in your relationship. And from the tone of your question, you both sound angry. It's my experience that such anger is usually with cause.

However, such an imbalance in a relationship invariably leads to trouble, at least as far as the relationship is concerned. I would strongly advise getting some help from an impartial, trained counselor to help you two re-establish communications, and make some decisions about where you really want to take this relationship.