Is it best to try to reason with an abusive partner when he is in a rage or when he is calm and in denial?
Don't bother trying to reason with him at all! Abusers have no rhyme or reason for this behavior and they are fully aware of how they are treating their mate, but like a runaway locomotive they just can't seem to help themselves. Abusers are in a hell of their own. They don't know why they are the way they are, they are in denial, don't care who they hurt and therefore most never seek psychological treatment. An abusive person may have been brought up in an environment with abuse (children see and act out) or something in their personal life like losing a job when they thought they shouldn't have lost the job can anger them and they react with rage. They know they can't act out in society so they come home and take the rage out on their spouse, children, the elderly or even the family pet. They sometimes feel that even society has shunned them or can be bitter that they should be as wealthy as certain other people and become frustrated when they can't attain this goal. Abusers are not "centered" in their lives and therefore a rage brews within them. The only way you can fix this problem is by leaving! You can go to an Abused Women's Center or Mental Health and they will lead you in the right direction. These Centers will keep you safe, give you a place to stay until you get on your feet, give you good counseling and have programs you MUST take to learn the tools of what an abuser is and how to prevent going back to your abuser or choosing another abusive partner. Good luck hon