Is it common for an abuse victim to reach a point where they start doing the very things that they know will infuriate their abuser because the literature on abuse stresses holding him accountable?

Answer 1

It doesn't make much sense for one's own mental health to start mirroring the abuse. At the least, it will escalate the situation rather than reducing the abuse in the family. Also, it does more harm to do something, like act abusive, that is against your nature and beliefs. It is healthier to act "congruently" with your real self and not have to fake behavior and thinking. Better to realize that you cannot change another person without their agreement and cooperation and move on. It will do the abuser no harm and it may in the end be more helpful. If it's mental abuse yes, if it's physical abuse it's not common. When someone uses mental abuse to control their partner the victim may take it for years, but somewhere along the line over 80% of victims will snap and start fighting back. Hopefully in most cases they will have had enough, stop fighting with the mental abuser and move on. In physical abuse most victims are terrified of their abuser and are more apt to try to please the abuser. Some women may fight back, but they only end up the loser. Then there are some women that will find an escape and head for an Abused Women's Center where there is much help and protection for the victim. Other women unfortunately will stay in this abusive relationship until the abuser decides to leave, or death can occur from one too many beatings. It is not up to the victim of mental or physical abuse to hold their abuser accountable and this is one for the professionals in psychology. Seldom will men go for psychological counseling because they don't see themselves as abusers and are too used to blaming others (especially their victim(s)) for making them the way they are. Marcy