Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence
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What are the cycles of abuse?

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2011-09-13 20:10:11
2011-09-13 20:10:11

Abusers can literally charm the pants right off you. They come on strong and appear to be loving, caring, and dote on your every whim. Many women think they have struck pay dirt. Abusers don't even realize the pattern they weave (they aren't that intelligent) but, they do. Once the woman is in love with him little things start changing such as:

STEP 1:

Shying away from meeting your family and friends

Not wanting to attend family functions

Not wanting to go out with your friends or having friends over

If you complain, they spoil you with "things." Jewelry, trips, or more passionate love making.

STEP 2:

Once they have you where they want you, the next trick up their sleeve is to either move somewhere away from your family and friends or move to a more isolated community where the victim knows no one.

Slowly but surely, the abuser starts get more physical ... pushing, shoving, accusing you that you are the cause of the problems you both are having and most women swallow this one! He complains about your cooking, how you keep the house or you don't contribute to the relationship and tantrums start.

Abusers seldom want children, but will go along with it. Once a child(ren) is born ... it's you're fault! You wanted children ... YOU look after them!

Then the cheating starts. You are home looking after kids, cleaning, cooking, etc. and he's out having a blast with his buddies or other women. The abuser ALWAYS has complete freedom, but the victim never does.

STEP #3:He starts to do more than push and shove, and a good face slap starts. As soon as he's done it he'll appear shocked (don't swallow it) and try to make it up to you. It NEVER STOPS! It only get's worse.

He will refuse to let you have your friends around (he fears you will give away your private secret of abuse.)

He will refuse letting you have your family visit (same reason as above.)

He'll phone constantly to see if you are at home or at work. He may even stalk your every move.

He will do a good job of taking your self confidence away by telling you, you are useless, can't do anything right, are a rotten wife and mother, and in some cases ... you should do yourself a favor and do yourself in.

The victim will end up a mental/physical wreck and a feeling of doom because they don't know where to go to get help. Often abusers will threaten to kill a friend of the victims or a family member to gain more control. The victim will believe anything the abuser says simple because it could happen. The physical abuse gets more violent, and then there are broken bones, missing teeth, black eyes and when the women goes for medical treatment she will lie every time to protect her abuser (only because she fears people won't believe her and she'll get a worse beating when she gets home.) While in hospital the abuser will "act out" being attentive and caring. Most doctors and nurses don't believe this and will often try persuading the victim to "come clean" so they can help them. The victim 99% of the time will deny they are abused, her husband is wonderful and she slipped down the stairs.

Even if the abuser never hits you, but calls you names and belittles you this is called "mental abuse" and just as deadly.

Women can seek out "Women's Abuse Centers" in any State and they will protect you, supply legal counsel and therapy to help you move on with your life. If a person can't find the number for the "Women's Abuse Center" they can call the operator for the information or visit their local Mental Health Facility. Family doctors will help, churches, etc.

The above I have just given you is from the Canadian Abuse Centre I volunteer at.

Marcy

AnswerThe Cycle of Abuse is as follows:

1) Tension building stage: This is when the abuser starts to get irritable. The victim can often sense this and will sink into deeper denial and/or self preservation by avoiding the abuser, trying to keep the peace and tolerating treamtent they know is wrong. The victim may even "provoke" the abuser to freak out just so they can get it over with and go onto the honeymoon stage. The tension stage is often described and from personal past experince, felt like the calm before a huge thunderstorm...you know the sky is getting darker and the anticipation is frightening even if you are not phsyically attacked. Its a walking on egg shells feeling. The abuser will be trying to conceal his anger at you as he is afraid of losing control of you, but he cannot for very long. Then onto the "Outburst Stage"2) the Outburst stage is when the abuser gives himslef permission to just explode. They are fed up with trying to conceal their fustration and fear they are out of control. At this point they don't care as much if at all that they may lose you. They want to teach you a lesson and this stage ends once they feel you have learned your lesson. This stage can include physical abuse but is not in any way have to be. Men who say don't use physical violence (yet) may at this stage resort to silent treatment, name calling, spreading rumours, gaslighting and all sorts of tactics.3) The "Honeymoon Stage" this is where the abuser now feels a sense of peace as he has just flipped out. He now wants to get back into your good book and will do anything to win you over. This can include alot of attention, laughter, better sex, gifts, laughter and confessions of their love. The cycle repeats itself as the honeymoon goes to tension again as nothing has changed inside the abuser. the abuser still hold all the same values, beliefs and ideologies, so why would it. This cycle also keeps the victim trapped as with each honeymoon period she feels the man she fell in love with has returned. It is very hard during the honeymoon stage to imagine that the abusers meaness, manipulation and headtrips will return. Sad to say, they do and with each cycle it gets worse as the honeymoon stage gets shorter. This whole cycle is about one thing. It is not anger, it is CONTROL. The abuser wants to own you, possess you, and they can only achieve this by wearing the victim down. It never gets better at all.

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