What can you do when your brother channels his narcissism at everyone but his fiance to whom he kowtows and expects to be considered ahead of all others in the family?

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April 19, 2008 8:49PM

That's what I don't understand because everything about him points to NPD. The manipulation and control, anger, denial, anyone that is in opposition to him is an idiot, a goof, stupid, etc. If I'm unable to do something, he says I'm people-pleasing my BF by not cancelling our plans. He says he feels I'm making him plan his schedule around my boyfriends. The latter is the person with whom I'm going to marry. What happens down the line when my boyfriend and I are married and have a family? The conversation has to be dictated by him. Right away it's an argument. I'm supposed to be there whenever he needs me, to do things for his girlfriend, but he cares nothing about my needs. There is no regard for how I'm affected by his arguments, manipulation, financial control. Since our parents passed it's been rough on both of us. He had the audacity to say my pain, my problems are nothing compared to what he's going through. There's definitely much more to say, but trust me: the traits are there. They've been there since we were children. I just never put things together. If your brother kowtows to his fiance then he is NOT a true narcissist! Narcissists care little about ANYONE around them and they are #1. It sounds like your brother is simply disrespectful of others feelings, perhaps trying to strut the fact he is a man. If the family treats him with respect then he should treat them with respect. You didn't go into detail and I have a feeling there is much more to this story than you have told. IT is possible he is in the idealization phase with the fiance. or maybe he is abusive to her in subtle ways you cant see. Also he may not be a narcissist. There are lots of just plain jerks who treat a few people like gods and everyone else like trash. I reread your first reply. I am in very similar situation with an abusive brother who is channeling all kinds of nonsense abusive HATE and disrespect at everyone but his current girlfriend. Thinks he can do no wrong. hates his mother, etc. (she passed away last year) Has never ever treated me with any kind of respect or consideration simply because he wasn't trained by his mentally ill mother who thought he hung the moon and that Satan was inside of me. Much of his past and upbringing is typical of N's and some of his behavior is similar to the NPD However he is NOT a Narcissist, but more of a schizoid (paranoid) type. I am not an N but have strong tendencies to Avoidance. Narcissism is in all of us in healthy doses - and many might possess some of the full blown NPD traits. Try researching all the disorders. Cluster B Personality disorders in particular such as Borderline, Histrionic and Antisocial you will also find that dealing with manipulative personalities no matter what the disorder is pretty much universal. It's apparent you both have your own lives and he has his girlfriend and you your boyfriend. EACH of you has control over your own lives. Since your brother appears to need serious psychological counseling (he will never agree to it) then you don't have to put up with this disrespect from him. Respect earns respect! Tell him to get out of your face! You are letting him control who you are and so this makes you an 'enabler!' No one can label another as being Narcissistic to Paranoid, etc., as it's strictly arm-chair psychology and it takes a pro to figure your brother out. Nonetheless he's hard to be around. You didn't say how old you both were or if you lived together in the same house. Could you please give more details. Age is a big thing here in order to give you some 'outs' as how to gain back control of your own life. Thanks ANSWER Narcissists are capable of kowtowing!!!! To think they are not is not understanding their mystery. His fiance is his Narcissistic Supply!!!!!! He gives her what he WANTS mirrored back to him. If he WANTS an intense loving affair, that is what he GIVES because she will mirror that intense loving affair BACK to him. Narcissists are capable of of extreme valuation and extreme devaluation of people. And, they are capable of valuing someone one day and devaluing him/her the next day. He is still a narcissist with his fiance. The energy with her just seems to be more positive right now. Again I will stress that for a layperson to label another a 'narcissist' is unfair and either the person is plain nasty or there are a myriad of other psychological problems that can have similar symptoms as Narcissism. Medications can also change a person's personality, but since this person's brother was always like this then he definitely has some mental issues he should get counseling for. Yes, it's true that this question is under 'Narcissism', but to cover all corners of mental issues is certainly a thought. We have to be responsible for giving up to date information. Dr. Sam Voknin who studies narcissism said (and I quote) 'One should be very careful with self diagnosis of inverted narcissism.'