Relationships

What do you do if your partner tells you after a year of living together that he does not plan on a family in the next 5-6 years?

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July 17, 2015 5:32PM

(All advice is generic and incomplete of necessity. Apply as

fits, and use your own brains.)

"Detailed_Case" id="Detailed_Case">Detailed Case

I am in a sticky situation. My love which I moved for from the East

Coast and lived with for 1 year, has strongly avoided any future

plans together (family, kids, etc.). He says he wants to be with

me, he loves me, I am in his future, but doesn't know when - for

sure not in the next 4-5 years, and he says he can't promise me

anything if I ask him to be more specific. No kids in the next

6-7.. We are both 30, generally happy, healthy, educated. I love

him and I am willing to wait until he figures out what he wants,

and haven't had any abandonment issues with him until now. We had a

big argument and I told him that even if I wait for him that long,

by the age of 36 I may not be able to have kids. He said he

understands, but can't promise anything. It's really hard for me to

stay now with him and act as I wasn't hurt and disappointed. I am

afraid if I move out, he would treat it as betrayal, if I stay I am

afraid I could hardly act normal as before. Has anyone had similar

experience? He's not ready, can't promise me anything, but doesn't

want me to go out see other people or move out, because that's

gonna hurt him and he's gonna leave me for sure..

[Comment:]That sounds like a threat. His love for you seems

to be very egoistical: He wants to keep you but he doesn't want to

take a risk to make you happy. And since he DOES want to keep you

he doesn't want you to meet others where you might meet someone

closer to your heart, either.

What should I do?

Basic line: you want kids, he doesn't. How did you ever get

together in the first place? Did you just assume that if he loved

you, he'd also want to have kids? Did he pretend that he wanted

kids? Then you should leave him, unless you love him very much AND

change your mind about kids. Here are some aspects that may help

you change your mind:

  • People only yearn for what they don't have. When they get it,

    they sometimes realize that it would have been better if they had

    tried to AVOID it.

  • read the "Guys who actually WANT kids.." post

You've got to confront this. Hopefully you can do this together:

try to get him to talk about why he wants to wait--what is he

feeling? What is he scared of? If you two can't do it alone, you

should try counseling. But if he refuses, then you need to confront

this by yourself, which probably means moving out and perhaps

breaking up. I'm sorry, that's painful, but you've got to do this

for yourself. What he is doing is completely unfair, and extremely

selfish. He is thinking only of himself, and if you both are going

ot have a life together, that is unacceptable. Is this the person

you want to be with? Is this the person you want to be the father

of your children?

WHAT IS UNFORTUNATE IS THAT YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM. THE WHOLE

PROCESS OF DATING IS A TRIAL PERIOD TO SEE IF THE TWO OF YOU ARE

COMPATIBLE. ALL OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED WELL BEFORE YOU

MOVED IN WITH HIM. I DO NOT BELEIVE THIS GUY IS BEING SELFISH

BECAUSE HE IS BEING HONEST. UNLESS HE TOLD YOU ORIGINALLY THAT HE

WANTED THE WHOLE ENCHILADA. YOU ARE IN A PICKLE. MY ADVISE TO YOU

IS CUT YOUR LOSSES WHILE YOU ONLY HAVE INVESTED/LOST/WASTED 1 YEAR

INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. NEXT TIME ASK DIRECT QUESTIONS. MAKE SURE

YOU DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER & THAT YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME

GOALS.

Don't live with someone unless you're sure they want to spend

the rest of their life with you. It causes way too many problems.

Get married before living together, and make positively sure you

want to be with them forever before marrying. And if you do, don't

look back. Don't have the attitude that if it doesn't work out you

can get divorced, because that attitued can cripple your

relationsip.

Guys who actually WANT kids of their own impulse are few. Though

I LIKE kids (I'm a guy), I don't want any. Here are some reasons

why:

  • Overpopulation. That alone wouldn't stop me from 1-2 kids, but

    it would stop me from more.

  • Commitment. Though I hold to commitments I choose myself, I

    avoid and flee those that are forced upon me. I hate it when I have

    to do things I don't like.

  • I like kids NOW. A kid's voice or even wail rings sweet in my

    ears, since I seldom hear it. I'm SURE however that it would annoy

    me instead if I'd hear it every day for hours.

  • Kids aren't dolls. They're not just fun. They're bound to cause

    quite a bit of pain and trouble. With some bad luck, they can cause

    extreme suffering with very little joy (stillbirth, disablement,

    dying some death at a young age you could have prevented...)

  • Change of focus. You're no longer lovers (primarily) but

    parents. If you want to be a lover more than you want to be a

    parent, naturally you don't want to become a parent.

  • Time issues. Kids->more work->no or little time to enjoy

    kids. Basically less of everything with little benefits. I like to

    sleep, to read, to ponder. I'm a lazy guy by most people's

    standards, without a regular job or profession, though with good

    education and intelligence. I'd need to work A LOT more, and it

    would probably be work I don't particularly like, or I wouldn't

    like the working conditions.

  • I hate the rat race. To reliably earn a safe pile of money, I'd

    need to enter it with a bad start and do things very out of my

    character. I'm not competitive, except for fun. I hate hypocracy. I

    avoid conflicts if at all possible, but I don't duck my head. I

    just leave.

  • I don't trust society. I hate to depend on others. With kids,

    my degree of dependancy would drastically increase.

  • I like kids. If I can't offer them a favorable environment, I'm

    not making any.

Now I realize that if you have a strong need for kids, even if

you'd agree that kids are not the smart thing to do, you'd still be

very unhappy because a strong basic drive is not satisfied. Do they

have to be your own? If not, maybe just being a babysitter for kids

of parents who'd like a time-out from their parenthood will

suffice. And maybe you could get a pet or two. Or maybe you could

just set off the pill, though you run a serious risk of losing him.

You may even do it with open cards: "I'm not on the pill anymore.

If you want to sleep with me, you'll have to chance pregnancy."

Another thing: before you make this a "do it or scram"-issue you

should first check if you're even fertile. Though the chances that

you're infertile are low, this would remove the reason for your

conflict, and he can make you as happy as you can be without

kids.


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