What do you do if your partner tells you after a year of living together that he does not plan on a family in the next 5-6 years?
(All advice is generic and incomplete of necessity. Apply as
fits, and use your own brains.)
I am in a sticky situation. My love which I moved for from the East
Coast and lived with for 1 year, has strongly avoided any future
plans together (family, kids, etc.). He says he wants to be with
me, he loves me, I am in his future, but doesn't know when - for
sure not in the next 4-5 years, and he says he can't promise me
anything if I ask him to be more specific. No kids in the next
6-7.. We are both 30, generally happy, healthy, educated. I love
him and I am willing to wait until he figures out what he wants,
and haven't had any abandonment issues with him until now. We had a
big argument and I told him that even if I wait for him that long,
by the age of 36 I may not be able to have kids. He said he
understands, but can't promise anything. It's really hard for me to
stay now with him and act as I wasn't hurt and disappointed. I am
afraid if I move out, he would treat it as betrayal, if I stay I am
afraid I could hardly act normal as before. Has anyone had similar
experience? He's not ready, can't promise me anything, but doesn't
want me to go out see other people or move out, because that's
gonna hurt him and he's gonna leave me for sure..
[Comment:]That sounds like a threat. His love for you seems
to be very egoistical: He wants to keep you but he doesn't want to
take a risk to make you happy. And since he DOES want to keep you
he doesn't want you to meet others where you might meet someone
closer to your heart, either.
What should I do?
Basic line: you want kids, he doesn't. How did you ever get
together in the first place? Did you just assume that if he loved
you, he'd also want to have kids? Did he pretend that he wanted
kids? Then you should leave him, unless you love him very much AND
change your mind about kids. Here are some aspects that may help
you change your mind:
- People only yearn for what they don't have. When they get it,
they sometimes realize that it would have been better if they had
tried to AVOID it.
- read the "Guys who actually WANT kids.." post
You've got to confront this. Hopefully you can do this together:
try to get him to talk about why he wants to wait--what is he
feeling? What is he scared of? If you two can't do it alone, you
should try counseling. But if he refuses, then you need to confront
this by yourself, which probably means moving out and perhaps
breaking up. I'm sorry, that's painful, but you've got to do this
for yourself. What he is doing is completely unfair, and extremely
selfish. He is thinking only of himself, and if you both are going
ot have a life together, that is unacceptable. Is this the person
you want to be with? Is this the person you want to be the father
of your children?
WHAT IS UNFORTUNATE IS THAT YOU MOVED IN WITH HIM. THE WHOLE
PROCESS OF DATING IS A TRIAL PERIOD TO SEE IF THE TWO OF YOU ARE
COMPATIBLE. ALL OF THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED WELL BEFORE YOU
MOVED IN WITH HIM. I DO NOT BELEIVE THIS GUY IS BEING SELFISH
BECAUSE HE IS BEING HONEST. UNLESS HE TOLD YOU ORIGINALLY THAT HE
WANTED THE WHOLE ENCHILADA. YOU ARE IN A PICKLE. MY ADVISE TO YOU
IS CUT YOUR LOSSES WHILE YOU ONLY HAVE INVESTED/LOST/WASTED 1 YEAR
INTO THE RELATIONSHIP. NEXT TIME ASK DIRECT QUESTIONS. MAKE SURE
YOU DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER & THAT YOU BOTH HAVE THE SAME
Don't live with someone unless you're sure they want to spend
the rest of their life with you. It causes way too many problems.
Get married before living together, and make positively sure you
want to be with them forever before marrying. And if you do, don't
look back. Don't have the attitude that if it doesn't work out you
can get divorced, because that attitued can cripple your
Guys who actually WANT kids of their own impulse are few. Though
I LIKE kids (I'm a guy), I don't want any. Here are some reasons
- Overpopulation. That alone wouldn't stop me from 1-2 kids, but
it would stop me from more.
- Commitment. Though I hold to commitments I choose myself, I
avoid and flee those that are forced upon me. I hate it when I have
to do things I don't like.
- I like kids NOW. A kid's voice or even wail rings sweet in my
ears, since I seldom hear it. I'm SURE however that it would annoy
me instead if I'd hear it every day for hours.
- Kids aren't dolls. They're not just fun. They're bound to cause
quite a bit of pain and trouble. With some bad luck, they can cause
extreme suffering with very little joy (stillbirth, disablement,
dying some death at a young age you could have prevented...)
- Change of focus. You're no longer lovers (primarily) but
parents. If you want to be a lover more than you want to be a
parent, naturally you don't want to become a parent.
- Time issues. Kids->more work->no or little time to enjoy
kids. Basically less of everything with little benefits. I like to
sleep, to read, to ponder. I'm a lazy guy by most people's
standards, without a regular job or profession, though with good
education and intelligence. I'd need to work A LOT more, and it
would probably be work I don't particularly like, or I wouldn't
like the working conditions.
- I hate the rat race. To reliably earn a safe pile of money, I'd
need to enter it with a bad start and do things very out of my
character. I'm not competitive, except for fun. I hate hypocracy. I
avoid conflicts if at all possible, but I don't duck my head. I
- I don't trust society. I hate to depend on others. With kids,
my degree of dependancy would drastically increase.
- I like kids. If I can't offer them a favorable environment, I'm
not making any.
Now I realize that if you have a strong need for kids, even if
you'd agree that kids are not the smart thing to do, you'd still be
very unhappy because a strong basic drive is not satisfied. Do they
have to be your own? If not, maybe just being a babysitter for kids
of parents who'd like a time-out from their parenthood will
suffice. And maybe you could get a pet or two. Or maybe you could
just set off the pill, though you run a serious risk of losing him.
You may even do it with open cards: "I'm not on the pill anymore.
If you want to sleep with me, you'll have to chance pregnancy."
Another thing: before you make this a "do it or scram"-issue you
should first check if you're even fertile. Though the chances that
you're infertile are low, this would remove the reason for your
conflict, and he can make you as happy as you can be without