Why do Narcissists consume your thoughts after they dump you?

Answer 1

It is hard to let go of the N. We loved them, and they deeply betrayed us. That alone is enough to ponder.Add to this the confusion we feel at being devalued and forgotten. It is almost incomprehensible at times to think our N's can turn their feelings on and off like a faucet. The realization that the N is sick and likely beyond hope leaves us feeling helpless, and we are in a sense. We cannot change the N. We may feel guilt we don't deserve. We may feel anger that was long suppressed. We may feel humiliated and sad, lonely and afraid. Our world has been manipulated by the N. We may have compromised our beliefs, values and self-esteem for the sake of love. This same realization that hurts so much is also the key to healing. It is a process. Every day away from the N gets easier. Every day brings us closer to the reality that was lost while with the N. It is a lot to think about. Healing takes time. In addition to the above (which is so very true!)... N's use brainwashing techniques and if they are successful, we leave the relationship different than when we entered it. Our thinking was distorted by the N. Our feelings, manipulated. They have mastered the art of human psychology in the most twisted sense. They know how to get what they want, when they want it. There are universal truths about all of us, and they exploit those for their purposes. I recall thinking that most of what my N said was almost verbatum what men say to women in Soap Operas. He was perfect - at least before he showed his other face. They are also keenly aware of their victims 'individual' psychological and emotional weaknesses - unlike anyone else has ever been in our lives. They assess this early on to gain the control they need. I never thought I could be fooled again (was earlier in my life and learned a ton). I am considered very intelligent and highly perceptive yet I was still taken in. In hindsight, I saw all the signs/red flags, I simply chose to ignore them because I was utterly enthralled. The fantasy they 'create' is exceedingly difficult to forget and get over (in the beginning when they were at their best). No one can measure up to that, because it wasn't real. We are left with passionate, intense memories and most of us fell deeply in love. Once you fall, it's tough to get over, even when the mind knows better. It runs very deep. I am convinced, the only way out of being consumed is to rigorously train your mind because even though it is our heart 'and' mind that's been wounded, only the mind is able to free us of consuming thoughts. It helps to become more aware. Every time your mind goes there (and mine often does too!!), try replacing those thoughts with new ones - bad memories with the N to keep yourself strong, remind yourself of your value and worth, pray or meditate, distract yourself by calling a friend - reading a book - seeing a movie, envision your life the way you desire it and with the kind of person you want in your life, or literally imagine pushing those thoughts away. These are just a few ideas that work for me. With time and practice, you can strengthen your mind and have more control over it - enjoying the serenity you have tragically lost. Someone told me once, "The mind is like a horse - you either train it or let it run". This is a battle in the mind. It 'can' be overcome - thus freeing yourself forever from the grip of the N. Best wishes & peace to your mind, AlwaysLearning. Think about this..If you lost the love of a " NORMAL" person, you would have to obsess about him going his way and possibly discovering great things without you, and envying their next mate, but..with a narcissist, you can be pretty sure that he will not be getting along well, and most likely will not find a permanent mate that he adores.The heartbreak with a N. is that you mourn what will never be, because it never was.