Why does your partner always play the victim?

Answer 1

Hi again C

Glad to hear from you. Aha! A career orientated woman. Good for you!

Love can be really simple between two adults (if you meet the right person) honesty, loyalty, COMMUNICATION and respect. My husband and I have worked hard to have all those things and we can slide off the end every so often, but for the most part we do very well. I NEVER accept lies or dishonesty and when I was dating if I caught a guy lying to me I kicked him to the curb! There are no excuses for this behavior. If you have nothing to hide then why lie?

Karma has nothing to do with it. I believe in destiny! Look back on your life and see where you have been and also see the up-side of your life because of it. Sometimes we have to go down some bumpy roads to get to where we should be and this is one bumpy road you are going down. Once you dump this lagger you'll be free to work on your career and meet someone else because I believe there is someone else. You sound like a smart gal, so go for a guy that isn't arrogant (not all Aussies are) or, you may even meet a Canadian, American, Englishman, etc. Wouldn't that just get your neighbours buzzing! LOL Because you are so grounded I think you need a man that is loving, kind, loyal and intellectually stimulating. That's what I went for. I have a vast thirst for knowledge and so does my husband so we can get into all sorts of discussions without arguing. I love it!

I heard this quote once and I typed it out and stuck it on my fridge "Unless you can forgive the person that hurt you they still control you!" I totally agree with this, so, when you give this bugger the boot, forgive him (he is blind in life, thus he doesn't know what he's doing!) You do have bats there don't you? You know they hang from there feet and sleep during the day, come out at night and tick everyone off! LOL Don't let ANYONE destroy your trust in men in general because not all men are bad. When I left my first husband that is one promise I made to myself and thank heavens I did or I wouldn't have met my wonderful husband.

Actually you are right about the tropics. I studied many different countries and found to my amazement that hot climates aroused the sexual prowess in people more than cooler climates. Move! LOL I think some Aussie men are just plain frank about what they are and there are duds in every country.

This drongo isn't BSing you at all. He really believes what he is and what he is saying. He's a manipulator and a mental abuser. You bet you've stepped on his ego and he now realizes he has a tiger by the tail. As we also get older we are less likely to take the crap that some men can hand out (don't forget, women can do this to men as well.) If you have the least doubt about whether to kick this guy to the curb, look at him and think about the fact you could be living with "it!" LOL

"C" life is too short to stick with this guy. Why don't you try some reputable dating services? I hear good things about a lot of them. The people are screened well and every protection is taken and they'll match your personality up to someone best suited for you. The older we get the harder it is to meet nice guys because after the age of 25 we never know if a guy is married or living with someone.

I sure wish you the best of luck and you go for it girl! Please keep in touch and let me know what's up. I think before the end of this year you're going to meet someone that is better suited to you. Scan your horizons girl!

Marcy

Hey Marcy

Thanks for your words of encouragement. It can be down right soul destroying, especially when you know they're not being truthful to you. I cant stand it when I am hitting my head against a brick wall to get hte truth....I don't know how they sleep at night. I was told karma would come back on me - I haven't done anything wrong. I think I will have a real trust problem from now on. Yes you are totally correct. Aussie men are really bad for that. I do know some really nice ones and shouldn't blanket them like that BUT....The majority of them don't really know how to switch on the charm and treat a woman how she should be treated - and that is with respect. I sometimes think it's the tropics that gets to them. Actually I think it is Aussies in general. I don't understand their thinking. And what gets me is what makes them think they are so special to think they are gods gift to women.... The male race can be so simple.................. He's now been saying I just can't bare to see you with someone else. I think I have hurt his pride and I don't think anyone else has stood up to him before. The poor old ego has been ruined.......................... All I want to do now is make some money, be a career woman and be successful somthing this drongo wont probably ever do. Thanks.

AnswerHi there C

Australian! You hit the right lady because I have a brother-in-law who is from Sydney, Australia, and also a lot of friends over there. I can well imagine what you are going through. A high percentage of Australian men have gotten a reputation for going off into corners "with their mates" and swilling back several pints while the women are left to their own endeavors (my sister-in-law told me all about it. LOL) I know where Cairns is as well. To heck with whatever others think, and you sound like a smart gal that won't take a lot of pushing around anyway.

When my brother-in-law first came to Canada to live we had them over often. On his first two visits when I would ask him a question he would ignore me and give the answer to my husband! Right then and there I saw a lot of Aussie arrogance and his wife (my sister-in-law told me "you haven't seen nothin' yet!) Well, he never got a chance to do it again because I told him straight out he was in our home and when I asked him a question he'd better look at ME when he gives his answer. Since then we have been great friends, but every so often you can see that Aussie thinking come out in him and especially around his wife.

NO! You don't need medication. This guy is brain-washing you! Abusers have a tendency to do that and he is, by all rights, a mental abuser. He has you so spun around you don't know if you're "down under" or up the other side. Listen to your wise PI friend and go with your gut feeling because it's not wrong!!!! By now you should know some Aussie men are well noted for landing on their feet like cats. LOL Kick this bugger to the ditch!

I realize that there are times you are so lonely (I went through that after I left my first husband) but don't ever let yourself down by putting up with abusive behavior because of loneliness. You are one smart gal and you already know deep down this guy is not for you and all he's done to you is drained and exhausted you to a nub. Love is about someone making you feel special and good about yourself and also when you can't hardly wait to see the guy again. You and I both know this is not the case with your relationship.

Go for it girl and kick his Aussie hide back to the pub!

Good luck (let me know how things turn out for you) Marcy

Hi there

Thanks for letting me in on your private life. Now I'm getting the "lay of the land." I had similar experiences, but reversed as to your situation.

Don't blame yourself so much. How can we know someone 100% when we don't even know ourselves that much. Not just women, but men can often get treated shabbily by a partner and put up with it for a while. Why we do this is anyone's guess, but I put it down to loneliness and not paying attention to the signals that are like a red light going off. This guy is self absorbed, egotistical and a jerk! Go to any bar and you'll spot several of these jerks. I would say this guy is mentally unstable because he would burst into tears so easily and have the gall to tell you you're imagining things. Generally men hate to have anyone see them cry. You should be proud of yourself for walking away from him and moving on. It takes guts to walk away. There are thousands of women out there that are so lonely or so confused that they will stay in an abusive relationship such as this. You didn't, so give yourself some credit! Life is simply a learning ground and if we don't experience some pain and perhaps embarrassment then how will we ever learn a thing. Consider this a lesson in life.

I got married at 21 (many moons ago) and discovered not only was my husband cheating on me, but he was verbally abusive which led to physical abuse. If you knew me you'd realize that I would never accept physical abuse, so I nailed his butt with a Teflon frying pan and he never laid another hand on me, but the threat was always there and living with him was like walking on thin ice. He continued to cheat and I don't have any idea why I put up with it for 3 1/2 years. His brothers really liked me and they had a chat with me and were totally disgusted with the way he was treating me and advised me to leave him because it wasn't going to get any better. It gave me the courage one day to kick my husband's butt out the door and I moved out, got my own place, changed jobs, and found new friends. I left my past behind me. I've never regretted that decision, but I too was angry that I had put up with so much from him and he stole 3 1/2 years of my life. Then when I calmed down I realized I only had myself to blame and I could either learn from the experience and move on, or I could continue to beat myself up. I chose to learn from it.

Divorced women really have a rough time out in the dating circuit and I'd heard from other men talking that some men feel that a divorced woman is "sex starved" to "she's an easy mark because she's gotta have it." It sickened me and infuriated me. I was fairly careful of who I dated, but the odd guy would sneak past my radar. On a couple of occasions the guy I went out with would stand at my door at the end of the evening and of course want to come in. I refused because I didn't know them well enough and I lived on my own. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard "I just spent a bundle on you for dinner and dancing, so you owe me!" Excuse me? Thank heavens I was wise and smart enough by then, to get my wallet out and throw my half of the dinner bill at him and tell him to hit the bricks! LOL The looks on their faces was payment enough.

I have since remarried to a wonderful man (much like your first husband) and we were obviously physically attracted to each other, but we were friends first and then lovers. Made a huge difference. We have now been happily married for 34 years and I think the world of him and he's a real sweetie with me and I have no complaints. I always thought I would be a very edgy person regarding trusting another man in my life because of my first husband, but, there was just something about my 2nd husband that I knew for sure he would never cheat on me. He never has.

Be proud of yourself for dumping this jerk. I know sometimes you must feel lonely and wonder if there is anyone out there for you, but there is. You sure know now what you don't want. I live in Canada and we have some great dating services here (legitimate ones) with good protection and screening. Many people are using it because it's too hard to find a good partner these days.

Good luck Marcy

Could you please post below me and explain your situation a little more.

Thanks Marcy

He always says the women are always paying him the attention but he is the worst flirt imaginable and leads women on. I know he has cheated on me but when confronted gets very wild and then says I cant help it if they always pay me the attention. He denies everything I ask him and gets angry at times and starts the tears. I have just reently moved out but I am angry for allowing my self to put up with the agony and frustration of having a dishonest partner who cant be truthful. You know in your heart and gut when someone isn't being honest. There were a couple of times he came home and couldn't look me straight in the eye. He would always turn our conversations and say I was the one with all the problems in my head and I was imagining things.

I was married for 18 years and only divorced but, am the best of friends with my ex and never once in those 18 yrs did I have an ounce of mistrust or ever question him about anything.

• Thanks marcy. It's sole destroying but anyway onwards and upwards. They try to win you back. But the behaviour is just abnormal. He thinks he is gods gift to women and unfortunately Cairns in Australia where I live is quite small and a reputation like this you just cant have, shouldn't want anyway. Always been good at covering up. I know when I am being had and as a PI friend of mine said if you have a gut feeling go with it. I was always told my gut feeling is wrong even though I knew it wasn't. Do you think it possible people can change. I went and saw my doctor as my partner told me I needed to go on medication. Of course my doctor said I don't need it even though I thought I did.

Thanks C