Why is a woman still afraid of what her Narcissistic ex-husband might say if her 10-year marriage to her second husband would fail also?

Answer 1

Seems this is more complicate than you can put in your questions on the board and I recognize your posts re the "Ns". Please answer my response and tell the board more about this situation because it sounds more complicated than the first 2 posts I answered for you. Marcy Well..here goes...my first husband was a minister and pastored fairly large churches. He has influence and an audience. His real person was not the man who stood in the pulpit, but no one knew that. To expose him was to cut off our livlihood. We were married for 33 years. I was afraid to do what it took to get out because I was terrified of the manipulation oppurtunity he had with his church and nearby churches as well. I stayed in the marriage to protect myself (I thought). Toward the end of the marriage, I realized that he had been trashing my character to church members all along....and they were believing what he said and spreading the word. For years I couldn't figure out why the ladies in the church were giving me the cold shoulder and their husbands weren't. I really thought I was losing my mind...and maybe did. A time or two, I pointblank asked him if he had said something about me that could cause me to be receiving this treatment. He said, "That would be a terrible thing to do!" He would tell me that one man or another was looking at me a lot or had a crush on me from time to time. I would be unaware of this. Then he would start calling me names and telling me that I was doing something to cause them to lust after me. I spent so much time trying to prove to him that his accusations were untrue. Nothing worked. I became so self conscious that I couldn't even walk naturally for fear that he would make something out of every step. There was some physical violence here and there. We were asked to leave his last two pastorates, and he claimed that it was my fault that he was asked to leave. When we were no longer living in a church parsonage, I filled for divorce. He then started assassinating my morals and character to everyone he could get to including my blood relatives. They had been listening to his insinuations for years without telling me about it. He was a "man of God." No one wanted to think he might be lying. He claimed that I had "run around" on him ever since we had been married...that I had had one man after another....told it every where. I could do nothing. Simply denying it would not have changed a thing....it was my word against his...and his word carried more weight. He made it a point also to get this false information across to our children. He has convinced them that I am the lier and he isn't. He attempted suicide, but my untimely arrival on the scene resulted in his life being saved. Upon regaining consciousness in the hospital, he began to receive many concerned visitors, former church members, fellow pastors, relatives (his and mine), and friends. He told them that I had driven him to do what he did because he couldn't stop me from running around on him. He gained much sympathy. He claimed that I was impossible to live with, had to have my way in everything, would never be capable of loving anyone but myself, and was stripping him of everything he owned. I was treated harshly and coldly by friends, acquaintainces, and family. People believed him without even discussing anything with me. I got to the point of being confused as to which one of us was insane. I thought it might be me. He received some in-hospital psychiatric treatment, then moved to his sister's home in another city. I remained in the town where we had lived, trying to put a life together for myself. I was an outcast for a while. But I trudged forward. It was so hard. I worked two jobs to make basic expenses. I remember the difficulty of the loss of friends and family and trying to meet basic expenses and needs on a low income. I remarried 10 years ago, and would have left this not so healthy partnership early on but for being fearful that my exhusband (who never stops trying to make me look bad concerning our breakup) will have some comments to make to my grown children who already give him preference over me, perhaps saying , "See...I told you that your mother was the crazy one. No one can live with her." Along with that, my second husband will most likely tell my children the same thing. I guess my biggest fear is that I really am crazy. Hi there First off YOU ARE NOT CRAZY! Thank you for letting me into your personal life and it does explain things better and the posters can give you a much better answer. I don't usually bring my Christian beliefs or political beliefs to the board if possible, but your post really made me feel sad, and that not only your ex, but your children and family as well as others have condemned you so badly without hearing your side of it all. Christianity is about trying to understand, helping and forgiving. I am truly so sorry you are going through this, but let's see what we can do to get you to jump up, dust yourself off and start all over again. There has been more damage (wars and poor relationships and the Puritans in America killing off so-called witches at the whim of a child's murmur) in the name of religion. Some people are under the illusion because they see their Pastor, Minister, etc., that they are God themselves! They don't realize that they are just human beings and can be many things: mental/physical abusers, child abusers (look at the Catholic Church), alcoholics, drug abusers, etc. Most parishioners wouldn't even want to consider the fact that the man standing on the pulpit is indeed not "pure of heart." It would fray the very reason they go to church and so, they are blinded by faith alone. Not all who preach are bad. I am in total shock that not one person on either side of the family, including the parishioners would have the wisdom to get to the root of the problem and have a chat with you as there is always two sides to every story. Your ex husband is not a well man and should never have held a position in ANY church and once let go from the one church he should have never been given the authority to preach again! The church let you down! I am a Christian, but don't go to church (my own opinon and choice) for some of the very things you mentioned (clacking, gossiping tongues ... not against me, but some other ladies.) I guess you could say I'm a free-spirited Christian. I believe that ANYONE of any race, sexual preference, etc., has a right to walk into ANY church and receive help if they so choose or to pray to God. I walked away from the Church and find that God is everywhere around us. Walking down a country lane, watching the ocean, being by a quiet lake is as close to God as one could get. The warmth of family, friends and nature as a whole is proof enough to me and I have absolutely no fear that I am a heathen because I don't attend church. I too have been married before to a mental/physical abuser and got the same run around. The very friends that told me to kick this guy to the curb turned on me when I did (with the exception of a very few and his brothers who knew the truth and encouraged me to leave. We remained friends for awhile after that, but I decided to move on with my life.) I knew in my heart I was a good person and what my husband had been and still was, so I packed up everything and got a new job, new friends and I am thankful my immediate family backed me on all of this. I feel badly that your own family is taking his side. Let's start putting things into perspective here: I am going to refresh your memory on what The Bible stands for and what Jesus gave his life for. First off the Bible quotes "Man" and many people assume it means "male" when, in fact, it means "human beings" and that includes both species, male/female. It's because of the word "man" that some men who take up a staunch stand on religion rule their family with an iron fist. Some men decide they have "heard the word of God" and that they should preach. These men are highly dangerous because it's really down to a matter of choice (like any other profession) when it comes to being a Pastor or Minister. With that comes very strict rules and the laws of God. Your husband has broken so many laws of the Bible he'll be peddling in hell for the rest of eternity. In his mind, he thinks he is not doing anything wrong, but in truth, he is a very mentally sick individual. I know that you have lived with the twisted faith of God, and also, are confused as to what true Christians are or even what God is truly about, so here is are some quotes hon, to make you see, that truly, you are one of God's children and have done nothing wrong: Quotes: Those who have not sinned cast the first stone THE FOOLISH SHALL NOT STAND IN THY SIGHT; THOU HATEST ALL WORKERS OF INIQUITY. THOU SHALT DESTROY THEM AND SPEAK LEASING: THE LORD WILL ABHOR THE BLOODY AND DECEITFUL MAN (****YOUR HUSBAND!) PSALMS 5 "THEN WAS OUR MOUTHS FILLED WITH LAUGHTER, AND OUR TONGUE WITH SINGING: THEN SAID THEY AMONG THE HEATHEN, THE LORD HATH DONE GREAT THINGS FOR THEM. PSALMS 126.2 (****THIS MEANS YOU! Your husbands tongue is "forked" as the Indians have so well put it in the past. God is about love, and he teaches us to laugh and say kind words with our tongue and music is the world's universal language. I gave the quotes to you for a good reason. The last one is speaking of man (your husband). As humans we become angry and say angry words or harbor bad thoughts (which is normal) but, if we believe in God, eventually, we pray to lead a strong and loyal path through life. God protects you against the sinners such as those who's tongue are wagging without giving you a chance to redeem yourself. You don't need their approval! In your heart you know that you are a good and kind person. We also all go through life making mistakes, but, the catch is, we must learn from our mistakes and move on. If we don't then we are miserable in our own lives. God gave us the freedom of mind and heart, so it's our choice! I want you to stand tall and strong! You know in your heart what you are and put the anger behind you of those that persecuted you. They aren't worth it! As a Christian I have a tendency to give a little more understanding to things than normal and NEVER judge most people until I've walked a mile in their shoes. It sounds as if you are surrounded by a bunch of "holier than thou" people ... the church, your husband and your family. While Christianity is certainly a good thing, it's a tool and we can either use it for the good of man or for evil. Your husband has chosen the latter and the followers he has gathered have also chosen this path. Gone are the days of the "Salem Witch Trials." You are a very strong woman and you've been through a lot. Your children were brought up in that house and they can't say they didn't see what was going on. They could be siding with him out of fear (he seems to be good at that) but they are also condemning you without hearing your voice. It's time you got together with your children and told them the truth! They either swallow it and deal with it or you walk out the door and let them get on with the shallow lives they are leading. It's very odd that children would ever go against their mother when they are adults. As children I can see it, but not when you are grown up and out in the world. Your ex has done a good job of brain-washing them. In your ex's eyes you have committed the ultimate sin of leaving him and divorcing him. Well, God didn't expect our mate to disrespect us and it says so in the Bible (if you ex ever does read the Bible.) He's using Christianity to instill fear in those around him. He will destroy himself! There is proof in that right now because of his fragile state of mind. "VENGENCE IS MINE SAYETH THE LORD." Just as some abused women pick another abused mate, you have slid into the same type of character with your second husband. I suggest that you consider leaving him (if all else fails) and move to another city or town because that is the only way you are ever going to get out from under the thumb of this ex of yours, your family and the town in general. This whole thing sounds like a bad movie, and I know it must feel like that to you. Please keep in contact with us and let us know how you are doing. Don't second-guess yourself and take all the blame for everything that has gone on. It takes two! Never let anyone take your soul away from you and you deep in your heart you are a good and kind person so move on and away from this whole mess. God Bless Marcy