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Yes, you can trust after being abused. Just not the abuser. Forgiving them sets you free, but never forget. You have to set boundaries for yourself, perhaps relearning ones that are reasonable. Among other things, people you can trust will reciprocate in kind behavior, will not take advantage of you or manipulate your best intentions, will listen and respond to your needs and so on. Their actions will reflect their integrity. To have a close relationship with anyone, you have to let the guard down judiciously, and trust them. I think many of us did not get the emotional education we needed to learn this. For millions of years nature embedded in us the notion that the past can teach us a lot about the future. This is very useful for survival. And it is also mostly true with inanimate objects. With humans the story is somewhat different: it is reasonable to learn from someone's past behaviour about his future behaviour (even though this proves erroneous some of the time). But it is mistaken to learn from someone's behaviour about other people's. Actually, most psychotherapy is nothing but the attempt to disentangle past from present, to teach the patient that the past is no more and has no reign over him anymore, unless the patient lets it. Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love. We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, our army not to go mad and shoot us all, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, the feeling is that a part of us dies, is hollowed out. Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours - but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. These people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust. So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling: not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust - like knives - can be dangerous to your health if used improperly. You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of a functioning trust. People often disappoint and are not worthy of trust. Some people act arbitrarily, treacherously and viciously, or, worse, offhandedly. You have to select the targets of your trust carefully. He who has the most common interests with you, who is investing in you for the long haul, who is incapable of breaching trust ("a good person"), who doesn't have much to gain from betraying you - is not likely to mislead you. These people you can trust. You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal - but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father - but a womaniser. You can trust someone to carry out some types of activities - but not others, because they are more complicated, more boring, or do not appeal to his conscience. We should not trust with reservations - this is the kind of "trust" that is common in business and among criminals and its source is rational. Game Theory in mathematics deals with questions of calculated trust. We should trust wholeheartedly but know who to entrust with what. Then we will be rarely disappointed. (continued) As opposed to popular opinion, trust must be put to the test, lest it goes stale and staid. We are all somewhat paranoid. The world around us is so complex, so inexplicable, so overwhelming - that we find refuge in the invention of superior forces. Some forces are benign (God) - some arbitrarily conspiratorial in nature. There must be an explanation, we feel, to all these amazing coincidences, to our existence, to events around us. This tendency to introduce external powers and ulterior motives permeates human relations, as well. We gradually grow suspicious, inadvertently hunt for clues of infidelity or worse, masochistically relieved, even happy when we find some. The more often we successfully test the trust established, the stronger our pattern-prone brain embraces it. Constantly in a precarious balance, our brain needs and devours reinforcements. Such testing should not be explicit - it should be deduced from circumstances. Your husband could easily have had a mistress or your partner could easily have stolen your money - and, behold, they haven't. They passed the test. Trust is based on the ability to predict the future. It is not so much the act of betrayal that we react to - as it is the feeling that the very foundations of our world are crumbling, that it is no longer safe because it is no longer predictable. These are the throes of death of one theory - and the birth of another, as yet untested. Here is another important lesson: whatever the act of betrayal (with the exception of grave criminal corporeal acts) - it is frequently limited, confined, negligible. Naturally, we tend to exaggerate the importance of the event. This serves a double purpose: indirectly it aggrandises us. If we a "worthy" of such an unprecedented, unheard of, major betrayal - we must be worth while. The magnitude of the betrayal reflects on us and re-establishes the fragile balance of powers between us and the universe. The second purpose is simply to gain sympathy and empathy - mainly from ourselves, but also from others. Catastrophes are a dozen a dime and in today's world it is difficult to provoke anyone to regard your personal disaster as anything exceptional. Amplifying the event has, therefore, some very utilitarian purposes. But, finally, the emotional lie is poisons his mental circulation of the liar. Re-proportioning, reordering and putting the event in perspective will go a long way towards the commencement of a healing process. No betrayal stamps the world irreversibly or eliminates other possibilities, opportunities, chances and people. Time goes on, people meet and part, lovers quarrel and make love, dear ones live and die. It is the very essence of time that it erodes us all to the finest dust. Our only weapon - however crude and maybe unwise - against this unstoppable process is to trust each other.
What else can I help you with?
What is an abusive personality?
How Do I know if I'm a narrcissitic person
Can a person who has been verbally abusive in a relationship ever change in that same relationship and can the person that they have abused ever really forgive them?
Change in abusers is VERY VERY VERY rare, if ever. Forgiveness is a process. The abused must forgive THEMSELVES first & foremost. It's impossible to forgive someone who doesn't own, apologize and change permanently.
Who are the victims of an abusive relationship?
The person being abused and any children who are there to witness it are victims.
Is it normal for someone who has been abused to be obsessively reading books on abusive men or looking at abuse websites trying to find that one thing that will put the abuser in his place?
It might be necessary to get the person in for therapy. If nothing else, the therapist might be able to get the abused person to leave the abusive relationship and be a little less obsessive.
Can there be true love in an abusive relationship?
No. absolutely not. If you are being abused the person who is abusing you does not truly love you. the Abuser makes you feel responsible for his/her actions. therefore making you believe you are in love with that person.
Why would someone be nice toward some but abusive toward a good friend?
More than likely that person does not want anyone to know that they are being abusive to someone. They also like to have control and power over that person. The person who is being abused needs to get out of that relationship, also, the one doing the abuse needs to seek help to see why they are abusive. I hope that this helps. God Bless:)
Can a person who has been abusive really change?
Absolutely. Not all abusers are hopeless cases.
What can your parents or the police do if you runaway at seventeen if your being abused?
If you run away at seventeen due to abuse, your parents or the police can help ensure your safety. Your parents can report you as a missing person, but if you're in an abusive situation, it's important to seek help from the police or a trusted adult, as they can intervene and provide protection. Additionally, you may contact child protective services or organizations that specialize in helping youth in abusive situations to find safe shelter and support. Legal options may also be available to help you escape the abusive environment.
What to do if you witness abusement?
try to get help for that person but do it in steps if you think the person may be harmed if they leave the abusive person. call help lines for abused people. get help before it is to late. something may happen that can't be reversed. i have a friend that was in a abusive relationship and her boyfriend almost killed her so please help that person before it is to late. i beg you
Why do people stay in abusive relationship?
Several different reasons. One could be because the abuser has such a hold on the abused that they stay because they think that the abuser is the only person that will want them. There is also fear that if the abused left the abuser would hunt them down and make them pay for leaving in the first place. If you asked 10 different abused people why they stay (stayed) in they're abusive relationships I can almost promise you'll get 10 different answers. In some cases the abused person believes that she/he can fix the abuser, or for complex reasons might even feel guilt about leaving the abuser.
What are the chances of an abused and abusive woman who was recently divorced trying to get back with her non-abusive ex-boyfriend?
It's in the best interest of everyone, most especially the abused woman who has abusive tendencies, to seek counseling for herself. She should also stay out of relationships until she has adressed why she is abusive to others. Getting involved too soon would be a rebound relationship. Even if her ex was willing to take her back (and he might not be), it's unhealthy to jump from one relationship to another in hopes of being saved from a bad situation, or believing all personal problems will end if they get with someone who once had feelings for them. The abused/abusive person must heal themselves first before they enter a new relationship.
How do you get away from abusive person?
You may want to call Child Protective Agency. Depending on where you're located, they may go by a different name. Check in your phone book. Also, maybe try talking to your Preacher or a Police Officer.
