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Funny you should ask, as I am in the midst of that, exactly. In our case, the decision was mutual. How did we reach that point? I believe that we built a foundation for it, precisely in the same way one might attempt to lay a foundation for a marriage. The foundation for the break up included a variety of components that, when mixed together and baked under high stress resulted in our mutual agreement. Here is a short list of the more substantial components of the foundation of our breakup:

* Domineering mother-in-law * Ambitious spouse willing to work long hours * Diverging interests and lifestyles on the way to 20 years * Major house remodel * Slow housing market * Stressful job/jobs * Stressful dog/dogs * Philosophical differences regarding health, fitness & nutrition, i.e. "I'm going to spend $10,000 on Liposuction before I do my gastric bypass" vs. "This will be the fifth time I've run a marathon on Sunday & taught Spin classes the following day" The list is far longer, but these components were plenty to get us on our way. If you are in disbelief that a break up after 20 years could really happen: yes, they can. Or if YOU sought suggestions as to HOW one might initiate a break up after 20 years, you also came to the right place. I suggest, if feasible, serious attempts be made to reconcile. But anyhow, people can change, grow apart or even find a menopausal partner impossible to deal with. Whatever happens, remaining civil, friendly & cooperative, before, during and after, will make both parties much less miserable. This is a really tough one, but more common than you think. Couples stay together for years until their children grow up and leave home and then they are face-to-face with the fact they have lost touch with each other. Some couples don't have children, both work and they still lose touch with each other. They know their are problems, but they keep putting it off in hopes these problems with resolve themselves. As we get older and especially around 40 or so, one starts to relect on their lives and feel like they are missing gaps in their lives and want to play "catch up." Some want to regain their youth. You have to decide where you fit in to the above and go from there. Be careful what you wish for! Be sure you want to split up because you are hurting someone else's feelings and making big changes in their life that they have no control over. If you can go away by yourself for a bit (tell your mate you just need some head space) and rethink your decision and if you still want to split-up then you are going to have to sit down with your mate and tell them. There is no easy way out of this one. Good luck Marcy go to a counselors office for support. if the both of you can go together it may be easier said and done. at least give that to each other. or write a long letter and remain friends. if you can't be friends, try to be civil if you have kids. explain why or the person will go around asking "why" for the rest of their life.

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17y ago

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