What to do next breaking up with abuser?

Answer 1

So, you're breaking up with an abusive partner?

As hard and as awful as that relationship must have been, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Here's what you do:

1. You tell him [DRIVE somewhere public to talk{meet him outside of your home, ideally} make sure it's NOT when you're alone with him - it's very important there is someone there {preferably a strong male; it's a common known fact that men are only scared and intimidated by other men, and that's what you want your abuser to recognise: he is not allowed to touch you} who can be witness and protector during this process] that you no longer want to be with him. You can go into 'why?' of your own accord, it needn't be mentioned that he's been abusive, he'll probably clock onto this. And you don't want to enrage him any further, his calmness is on a tight rope.
2. Remember! throughout this break-up that he only wishes to be with you so that he can continue abusing you. Ignore any attempts he may make at winning you over - flowers, a card, apologising a trillion times - unless you want to be stuck in this horrible, fearful relationship forever, it's MANDATORY THAT YOU REMEMBER HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, he only loves what HE CAN GET FROM YOU!!
3. Once you've told him you no longer want to be with him, leave. Don't listen to his speech. If he begins to get aggressive, your friend will be there to ward him off. Make sure you continue to leave the area, get into your car with your friend, and leave. No more conversation with him.
4. DO NOT TELL HIM WHERE YOU ARE GOING. and MAKE SURE no one in your family does. Stay somewhere with other people, don't go somewhere alone, ideally. If this isn't possible, make sure you're either in a hotel he is not familiar with and that you check-in under a fake name [pseudonym - so that he can't come in and ask if you are here.]
5. If it is not possible to stay at a hotel, considering your lack of funds, find out about the nearest Woman's Shelter, these are free for you bunk in and come with accomodation and protection.
6. Now, onto the issue of collecting your belongings. ALWAYS, ALWAYS make sure you do not go alone, bring 2, 3 or even 4 friends or family to come and help you retrieve your belongings. If possible, don't go at all, send your friends or family round to get your things. This way you won't have to see or hear your abuser speak.
7. Then we have the issue of children. It is a probability that you're abuser is not the best of fathers, this means you must take your children with you. I know this isn't as easy as I am making out, but it is important. If you have more than 2 children, call your family/friends to help take care of them, I'm 100% sure they will be willing. If you're going to have to take your children with you, on the odd possibility that your family are unable to help take care of them, then take them to wherever you're staying and tell them, openly and clearly, what is happening. The last thing you want is for your children to be confused, most probably they will be aware of the abuse and thank you for saving them. If they attend school, and you are worried about their safety to and from it, then perhaps you could organise for them to walk or be driven to school with another classmate and another parent. When coming from school, you could organise for them to go home with another child, each day of the week with the easiness and safety of you picking them up from there, or of the classmates parent to drop them home.
8. If you have no income, then try your best to obtain some. For example, working in a corner store - anything. You must have income and money to survive, if your abuser has any shred of humanity, they will be concerned of their children's wellbeing and send money; although this is very unlikely. I know it will be hard to gain a stable income, but it's very important for both you and your childrens lives that you can provide for yourself and them. If you have problems with getting a job, call a job center that will help you with getting a job, receive benefit and help from the state - or even result to selling un-needed posessions on eBay [anything to get money!], but of course, please don't turn to prostitution [as little as I know of your struggle, I know a lot about prostitution and the lives women lead - so if this is the only alternative for income and being able to survive, you must not result to it and continue to search for work. If this search is taking too long and you are out of money, begin to talk to your family - ask them for help!, contact your child's school [the school will be involved with the child protection programme and it is within their right to become part of the process to give your child a healthier upbringing]. Or, if worst is worse; as painful as this may be, give your child up for adoption, although this is a far-stretch for what will make you happy, you and the child may be better off.
9. If your abuser is continuing to contact you via email, phone, mail etc, make sure to change your email address, phone number and whatever else he can reach you through.
10. If the abuser is continually pestering you, in an aggressive or manipulative way, get the police involved to keep track of what is going on. They can be on tap if your abuser is becoming threatening, do not hesitate to call them for help!
11. And in time, you will be free of this abuser and able to live a happy, fulfilling, safe life.

If none of this is helpful, please let me know.

I don't mean to assume your situation, or tone it down because I realise it is incredibly hard to leave and start anew by yourself [or with children] if you have no or little resources to survive and an abusive person is on your back = making you scared and vulnerable. It's fundamental that you remember you are not deserving of abuse! Albeit if you have to search and search for work and live with your parents or friends for a while, or if you have to sell your favorite posessions etc, if you want to get out alive [which I know you do] you will unfortunately and unfairly have to make sacrifices. Your life is precious, and you don't deserve to be hurt!

There is a light at the end of the tunnel!

All the best of luck and all the hope and love in the world,

Dr. A