What should a family do when a person comes home after rehab?

Answer 1

There well have been a number of changes in your addict or alcoholic (I will use the word addict hereafter to refer to both, since Alcoholism is just another addiction). Some of the changes will be for the better, and some may seem to be for the worse. Some will be obvious, and some less so. The changes will continue as sobriety progresses.

The net result of this is that you will be getting quite a different relative back, one who will continue to develop socially and emotionally over time. This may be a bit disrupting to the family structure. A person who was perhaps over-dependent, hostile or absent may now fit into another role, and each person's relationship with him and everyone else will have to give a little bit as a result. This can be disorienting.

There will also be a lot of unresolved anger. That is natural. We suggest attending some Alanon or Naranon Family Group meetings, to help you deal with that without projecting it onto your addict. There is nothing wrong with your anger. You have a lot to be angry about. But you will have a lifetime to deal with those issues -- if your addict remains clean and sober, and survives. If you decide to come down on him or her with both feet right off the bat, be prepared for everyone to lose -- and for your addict to relapse.

The main thing to do is be supportive. At the same time, don't let your guard down too much. Remember that, as the AA saying goes, "When you take away the alcohol you still have the 'isms.'" Your addict spent a long time during which his drug of choice was his closest friend, the one thing he could depend on in an increasingly hostile world. His behavior became skewed, as did his thinking, both because of the drug and because of trying to justify it in his own mind. He has a lot of adjusting to do. Among other things, he needs to be able to regain your trust -- yet, for your own sanity, you have to be a bit realistic. Now is not the time to sign over Grandpa's trust fund. Plenty of time for that later. Be kind, but use good sense. And try to be natural.

Again, we strongly recommend Alanon and Naranon. (See the links below for information.) If your addict's aftercare program has family counseling, by all means take advantage of it. If you don't want to go, that's an excellent reason to tuck it up and attend. Means you really need it.

Your addict will be spending a lot of time going to meetings and other support activities, if she is indeed following the program she has been told about. That is another good reason for attending the family sessions; you'll have a better overview of what to expect, and of what should be happening. Allow them some freedom. You weren't able to control them before, and you aren't able to now. Don't bother trying. It will only cause problems.

It may seem to you that this attendance is excessive, that they should be getting back into the mainstream of life. You could not be more mistaken. A lot of behavior needs to be re-learned, old ways of thinking have to change, and -- perhaps most of all -- your addict has to feel that he has people around him that know where he's coming from. Unless you have addiction in your own background (in which case you probably wouldn't have asked this question), you do not know. You couldn't possibly. Don't begrudge the addict this time to get adjusted with the help of people who have been on both sides of the fence. It will make long-term recovery far more likely, and you will benefit too, in the long run.

We strongly suggest not drinking in front of him, or using drugs, and we would suggest keeping such things out of the house for the time being. If you are unable to do that...well, someone else has a problem, perhaps. Allow her to talk about her experiences if she wants to. Try to just listen, and not give advice. (It didn't work before, did it?) Listening goes a long way toward rebuilding relationships. You may end up much closer to your addict than you ever were before.

Apart from that, don't try to handle them with kid gloves. They're still the person you knew. Be natural. Without changing your life overmuch, try to make the addict glad to be home. Just don't expect miracles. They happen, but slowly.

And remember this one terrible fact: the majority of alcoholics and other addicts do not remain clean and sober on their first try...or sometimes on their fifth or sixth. Some never recover. Keep the pressure off, and make use of the resources to begin to understand, and you will greatly increase everyone's chances of a happy ending.