What are some medieval minstrel jokes?

Answer 1

A collection of medieval times jokes from WikiAnswers contributors:

• In days of old, when knights were bold, before toilets were invented, they left their load along the road and walked away contented.
• The only ones I know of are all in the film 'Monty Python and the Holy Grail'. "She turned me into a newt! I got better..... "
• I like this one: "Of all the knights at King Arthur's Round Table, the largest was Sir Cumference. He got that way from too much pi."
• "In days of old, when men were bold, and pants were made of tin, no mortal cry escaped a guy who squatted on a pin."
• Somer is icumen in, Lhude sing cuccu. (from the Cuckoo song) Oh Yeah When?

• "In days of old when knights were bold and rubbers weren't invented, kings wore socks around their cocks and babies were prevented."

• Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark age? A: Because there were so many knights.

• Aficionados of medieval humor may wish to check out Joe Miller's Joke Book, the oldest joke book known. For instance: 16. The late Mrs. Oldfield being asked if she thought Sir W. Y. and Mrs. H---n, who both had stinking Breaths, were marry'd: I don't know, said she, whether they are marry'd; but I am sure there is a Wedding between them.

• okay, I've got a couple really stupid ones for you:

  so this knight goes out to ride his horse every time the clock strikes midnight. then one day, the town genius came to him and said, "why do you ride every night at midnight?" and the knight said, "well I'm a knight, so it really wouldn't make sense for me to ride during the day, would it? but i suppose you wouldn't understand because you think you know how to spell! Well what if I wanted to spell genius with a 'Q' at the beginning?"

I'm afraid this is a bit long, but I remember it from way back...

Sir Egbert, knight of the realm, is hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when suddenly, his horse stumbles and dies on the spot. All Sir Egbert can do is collect what belongings he can and tramp onward.

After staggering for a spell, he decides he must get new transport. He heads for the nearest house which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He bangs on the door and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Egbert and says, "Your pardon, good knight but my father and brothers are on the other side of the forest and will not be back before tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".

Sir Egbert, saddened by this, says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?".

The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane when the need arises. Would that help?"

Sir Egbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading an enormous dog which is quite of a size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. Its coat is threadbare, its legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.

Sir Egbert looks at the young girl and says, "Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

Why do dragons sleep during the day? Because they're afraid of knights! lol

Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?

A: To get his teeth crowned.

Q: Have you ever seen a Duchess?

A: Yes--it's the same as an English "s".

Q: When a knight in armour was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?

A: Rust in peace!

Q: What did the dragon say when he saw St. George?

A: Oh no! Not more tinned food!

Q: How do you send a message in the forest?

A: By moss code.

Q: What do you call a mosquito in a tin suit?

A: A bite in shining armour.

Q: There are many castles in the world, but who is strong enough to move one?

A: Any Chess player

Q. What king of medieval England was famous because he spent so many nights at his Round Table writing books?

A. King Author!

Q: How do you find a princess?

A: You follow the foot prince.

Q:Why were the early days of history called the dark ages ?

A: Because there were so many knights !

Q: Why did Arthur have a round table?

A: So no one could corner him!

Q: Who invented King Arthur's round table?

A: Sir Cumference!

Q: Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?

A: He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Q: What was Camelot ?

A: A place where people parked their camels!

Q: What was Camelot famous for?

A: It's knight life!

Q: When were King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

A: When they had lots of sleepless knights!

Q: Where did knights learn to kill dragons?

A: At knight school!

There were three guys and a dragon . The dragon said, "I am going to eat you. The first guy said, "No, let's make a deal." The dragon said ,"O.K. what kind of deal?" The second guy said, "If we each tell you something that we think you can't do, and you can do all of it, you may eat us." The dragon agreed to the deal. So the first guy said, "Go to the barn, eat 16 rooms of hay,". The dragon did it. The second guy said, "Drink half of the ocean water." The dragon succeeded in doing this, also. The third guy burped, and said, "Catch it and paint it green." The three guys lived happily ever after!

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Did you hear about the knight whose horse (the last in the kingdom) lay down and died of exhaustion so he couldn't get an important message to the king? The only thing the serfs could offer him was an old swayback dog, to which the knight responded, "I wouldn't put a knight out on a dog like this!"

In medieval England, it was the custom for the heir to the throne to wear a fancy ruffled collar known as a ruff. One particular heir wore an exceptionally fancy ruff known as a dandy ruff, which blocked his vision so that he kept tripping and falling.

This proves that dandy ruffs cause falling heirs.

The medieval insults thread inspired me to start a medieval jokes thread, tell em if you got em

Medieval pick up line:

"When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched."

Medieval Jokes:

A king was preparing to ride off on a quest. Before he leaves, he locks up the queen with a chastity belt and calls in his most trusted knight and hands him the key. "Sir Percival, here is the key to my queen's honor. Should I fall in battle, it is to you to release her from her belt so she might marry again." He then leaves on his journey. At the top of a hill, he turns back for one last look at his castle and is surprised to see Sir Percival riding breakneck in pursuit. "My lord, my lord....wait! You have given me the wrong key!"

---

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful, and said that he'd see if he could come up with something, and asked him to come back in a week.

A week later, King Arthur was back in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. "This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe." said Merlin as he searched his cluttered work bench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the greatful monarch, "Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.

Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm' inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur, "The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But Sir Galahad was speechless…

---

A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress would soon die.

Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.

The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy had brought about the woman's death.

He summoned the astrologer and commanded him: "Prophecy, tell me when you will die!"

The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him immediately, no matter what answer he gave.

"I do not know when I will die," he answered finally. "I only know that whenever I die, the king will die three days later."

---

The knight returned to the king's castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from his victories. "Tell me of your battles," said the king.

"Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the all of the villages of your enemies in the north."

The king was horrified. "But I have no enemies in the north," he said.

"Well," said the knight, "you do now."

Re: Medieval jokes

« Reply #1 on: March 02, 2009, 09:41:19 AM »

During one of the campaigns against the Nords, a certain Rhodok

took prisoner a noble lady and ransomed her back to her kin for a

thousand denars. His comrades mocked him for having accepted so small

a payment for so valuable a prisoner. "Do you mean," the rhodok

replied, "that there is a number higher than ten hundreds?"

Q: How many Norsemen does it take to set fire to a lantern?

A: Why bother with a lantern--there's a monastery just over the hill!

A Spaniard travelling on the way alighted at a poor inn, and they

asked him his name. He answered, "Don pedro Gonzales Gayetan de

Guevara." Whereunto they replied, "Sir, we have not meat enough

for so many."

Answer 2

Medieval humor is rather different from what we find funny today, although an exception may have to be made for several of today's lower ranking stand-up comedians.

Medieval humour - also as told or sung by minstrels - would now mostly be considerd to be crude. In comedy sketches that have survived jokes about bodily functions were a favorite, and farting on stage always got a big laugh. Sex jokes of course also were a great favorite, especially when nuns or priests or wives cuckolding a husband were involved. Many stories now come across as pretty lame, but that even goes for many jokes from the early 20th century.

A number of examples of medieval humour can be found by clicking the link below.