How can I can I get what's best for my baby in the family court when her father is a narcissist and is using her to seek revenge for my leaving him?

Answer 1

My best friend just finalized his divorce from his ex-wife, who was a Narcissistic classic case and a real nightmare. She apparently only married him to get at his insurance benefits and money - she failed to mention she was nearly 6 million in debt. He had no choice but to separate from her as his job requires one of the country's highest security clearances. The Government doesn't care if you racked up the debt or not - if you're liable, you're a risk and can lose your clearance, and hence your job.

In his case it was even more difficult as she was a high-priced corporate lawyer here in the DC area. Still, people like this tend to make the same mistakes, and it is in that lesson in which you can learn from my friend. In the end, he extricated himself cleanly from the relationship.

Both of us used to work Aerospace QA together years ago, and as such we've both learned to document EVERYTHING. If you haven't done so, get a good lawyer, then start a diary record of every threat, every abusive act, anything that will show the type of person he is. If he leaves a mark on you, take a picture with a witness present who is willing to stand up and verify it for you. Same goes for your kid - write down anything he threatens you with. Note date and time. If you can get his behavior on video, that's even better, but don't let him know what you're doing. Make sure with your lawyer it's okay to do that in your State, as each state has its own laws about what you can and can't do in certain legal situations.

If he asks you something that's reasonable, attempt to accommodate him, even if you know he's BS'ing. When you can document that, you show the court that you're the reasonable one, and he's the wack biscuit.

I'd also consider getting yourself into Counseling if you haven't already done so. LCSW's or even outright shrinks can be powerful allies in a court if you can show that this person is causing you mental abuse and trauma. Same for your daughter as well - it has to be affecting her as well.

The key is to gather as much evidence in your favor, no matter how hard it is for you to deal with. In the end, when you're rid of him, you'll feel a great weight lifted off your shoulders.

Most states and courts do not tolerate men who abuse their wives and kids, but if the abuse isn't physical in nature (you can't show them a bruise or cut, etc.) then you've got to get the assistance required to get the evidence to show the court that you ARE being abused, as well as your child. It's a common problem in our society in that we think a judge will automatically assume that what we tell them is the truth and that they should listen. As they say in Missouri, "Show Me". The court wants evidence of what you're telling them, and without it, it tells them that you're not concerned enough to do what's necessary, and if you're not willing to do what's necessary, then maybe the rest of your story isn't that bad either.

Remember it's all in evidence and presentation - even the most succulent steak isn't appealing if it's served on a garbage can lid. Show your side of the story as much as possible. Show that this man is abusing you and your kid. If he threatens you with physical violence, that's a crime in most states, and you have the right to do something. Of course most states have liberal jerks who have watered the courts down so much they favor the criminals, and they'll only act if you're dying or dead. Be thorough, but don't be stupid.

Finding a good lawyer is your first best step if you haven't already done so. I guarantee your husband (or whatever he is) is going to get a good lawyer and try to act like he's a perfect angel - that's how these people work and act. They're almost Schizophrenic and it's scary as hell.

But their weakness is the fact that they have narrow vision about how the world works, and it's usually contrary to what the rest of the world does. Show that as much as you can also.

PROTECT YOUR ASSETS

If you have any valuables that he could potentially steal from you (jewelry, family heirlooms, pictures, etc.) or your kid, you should consider putting them in a safe deposit box in your own name. You should also consider getting a Post Office Box in your name only so that you can use it to forward mail to you that you don't want him to see.

Find out which assets you have that have your name only on them (car titles, insurance, etc.) and protect them as well. Credit cards, bank accounts, etc. Consider getting another bank account in your name only if you still have a joint account. At some point he's going to try and bankrupt you, but if you're prepared he'll have a harder time doing it. With a P.O. Box, you can prepay months in advance, and the bill doesn't have to come to your house so he might find out - they can leave it in your box.

For the property and insurance, bank and credit accounts that you have, you should contact them privately and tell them that under no circumstances should any account be closed or altered without your express written permission. You should do this in writing yourself. Each company has its own guidelines, but you'd be surprised how many violate them. What you want to avoid is him closing an account, cashing out an insurance policy, borrowing all of your Equity loan, cancelling your home/car insurance, etc. without you knowing and without your permission.

While I haven't been in your specific situation, I do know what it is like to be completely under the gun, worried, traumatized, and not know what to do. In my case I realized it early enough that I needed a lawyer to handle my affairs, as I had gotten to the point health-wise where I just couldn't do anything on my own. The wall was too big to climb.

You will also find out (if you haven't already) who your real friends are. Do what you can to protect yourself, and get the best legal representation you can afford. Local women's abuse groups sometimes have legal defense funds that will aid someone who lacks the resources for a good lawyer. No one likes to ask for a handout or assistance, but remember it's not just your future you're dealing with - it's your daughter's, so do whatever is necessary to deal with this jerk.

I've added some links below that might help you get through this.