Trust In Your Children

Answer 1

How much trustparentshave in their children is based on a number of factors such as age, maturity, and past behavior. Each child is different and actions can vary from situation to situation. One size doesn’t fit all.

When I was in my early teens, I began writing in a journal a few times each week. I keptthe flimsy red folder full of lined paperon the nightstand near my bed, and my siblings knew not to go near it. Occasionally, I’d share passages with them, and we’d all get a good laugh at my awkward musings. I wrote about sports, friends, school activities and girls. But mostly sports and friends.

One night I came home from a night out with friends and jotted down a few sentences describing the evening and the name of the movie we watched. No, it wasn’t an adult flick. I believe the movie was one of the first in the Rambo series starring Sylvester Stallone. It was rated R and I was only supposed to watch movies rated G or PG. We didn’t have PG-13 back then.

A few days later, my mother confronted me. She was upset that I’d seen Rambo. I was blindsided and asked how she knew that. She dodged the question. I persisted, and she sheepishly told me she read about it in my journal.

I was stunned. It had never occurred to me that anyone would read my journal without asking. But here was my mother going through her son’s private journal. Maybe I should have hidden it better. Maybe I shouldn’t have watched the movie. Or least not written it down!

I felt confused. I was angry at myself and my mother. The trust I had in her was damaged and wasn’t repaired for many years.

That brings me to today as a father with four children. How much trust do I show? Should I show? How much leeway do I give them?

Some parents allow their children to setup Facebook accounts but only on the stipulation that that mom and dad have full access to the account. Given the ages of my children we haven’t had to deal with that issue yet. We do not install internet filters on their computer. We do control what programs are installed, and we don’t allow access to internet chat with anyone outside of our family. But we tell them what rules we expect them to follow and then trust them to make good choices.

We are attempting to balance trust and agency. It’s an ongoing process. One that’s surely to become more complicated as our children grow and flex their independence.

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