Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence

She lives in Litchfield, Connecticut with her son, Charles Motusick. Her son was only two years old when Tracey's now ex-husband nearly killed her. The viscous stabbing occurred June 10, 1983 and left her partially paralyzed.

Tracey Thurman was the inspiration of Thurman Law which called for mandatory arrests in wife-beating cases in Connecticut and several other states. She sued the city of Torrington and received $2.3 million in damages in 1985. Tracy Thurman's story was later made into a 1989 television movie, entitled "A Cry for Help: The Tracey Thurman Story."

RESPONSE: It seems very unlikeyly that she is living in Connecticut WITH HER SON. According to the judicial website, Charles J Motusick has gotten into quite some trouble with the law and is currently serving a 15 year prison sentence, which won't be suspended for at least 7 years, and that was ordered in August of 2010.

This is a very tricky tactic used by an abusive person to make you crazy. Since ambient abuse can not sometimes be visible the victim may believe they are so bad and or are going nuts. The abuser may want to isolate their victim from other people as they provide the partner with reality checks such as feedback and reference points. Since their main goal is to de-stabalize the victim's reality they try to ruin these "outside influences." They may gossip about their partner to people in a manipulative manner such as pretending to be concerned for their well being as their partner is acting a little nuts. They wont give there self away to other people, they are calculated in their interactions. People may start to wonder about the partner as the ambient abuser fills their minds with distortions and the abuser apparently my come across as a nice person.

Ambient abuse is the stealth, subtle, underground currents of maltreatment that sometimes go unnoticed even by the victims themselves, until it is too late. Ambient abuse penetrates and permeates everything - but is difficult to pinpoint and identify. It is ambiguous, atmospheric, diffuse. Hence its insidious and pernicious effects. It is by far the most dangerous kind of abuse there is.

It is the outcome of fear - fear of violence, fear of the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, the capricious, and the arbitrary. It is perpetrated by dropping subtle hints, by disorienting, by constant - and unnecessary - lying, by persistent doubting and demeaning, and by inspiring an air of unmitigated gloom and doom ("gaslighting").

Ambient abuse, therefore, is the fostering, propagation, and enhancement of an atmosphere of fear, intimidation, instability, unpredictability and irritation. There are no acts of traceable explicit abuse, nor any manipulative settings of control. Yet, the irksome feeling remains, a disagreeable foreboding, a premonition, a bad omen.

In the long term, such an environment erodes the victim's sense of self-worth and self-esteem. Self-confidence is shaken badly. Often, the victim adopts a paranoid or schizoid stance and thus renders himself or herself exposed even more to criticism and judgment. The roles are thus reversed: the victim is considered mentally deranged and the abuser - the suffering soul.

There are five categories of ambient abuse and they are often combined in the conduct of a single abuser:

I. Inducing Disorientation

The abuser causes the victim to lose faith in her ability to manage and to cope with the world and its demands. She no longer trusts her senses, her skills, her strengths, her friends, her family, and the predictability and benevolence of her environment.

The abuser subverts the target's focus by disagreeing with her way of perceiving the world, her judgment, the facts of her existence, by criticizing her incessantly - and by offering plausible but specious alternatives. By constantly lying, he blurs the line between reality and nightmare.

By recurrently disapproving of her choices and actions - the abuser shreds the victim's self-confidence and shatters her self-esteem. By reacting disproportionately to the slightest "mistake" - he intimidates her to the point of paralysis.

II. Incapacitating

The abuser gradually and surreptitiously takes over functions and chores previously adequately and skillfully performed by the victim. The prey finds itself isolated from the outer world, a hostage to the goodwill - or, more often, ill-will - of her captor. She is crippled by his encroachment and by the inexorable dissolution of her boundaries and ends up totally dependent on her tormentor's whims and desires, plans and stratagems.

Moreover, the abuser engineers impossible, dangerous, unpredictable, unprecedented, or highly specific situations in which he is sorely needed. The abuser makes sure that his knowledge, his skills, his connections, or his traits are the only ones applicable and the most useful in the situations that he, himself, wrought. The abuser generates his own indispensability.

III. Shared Psychosis (Follies-a-Deux)

The abuser creates a fantasy world, inhabited by the victim and himself, and besieged by imaginary enemies. He allocates to the abused the role of defending this invented and unreal Universe. She must swear to secrecy, stand by her abuser no matter what, lie, fight, pretend, obfuscate and do whatever else it takes to preserve this oasis of inanity.

Her membership in the abuser's "kingdom" is cast as a privilege and a prize. But it is not to be taken for granted. She has to work hard to earn her continued affiliation. She is constantly being tested and evaluated. Inevitably, this interminable stress reduces the victim's resistance and her ability to "see straight".

IV. Abuse of Information

From the first moments of an encounter with another person, the abuser is on the prowl. He collects information. The more he knows about his potential victim - the better able he is to coerce, manipulate, charm, extort or convert it "to the cause". The abuser does not hesitate to misuse the information he gleans, regardless of its intimate nature or the circumstances in which he obtained it. This is a powerful tool in his armory.

V. Control by Proxy

If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.

Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.

Addendum (by a different poster) VI. Cliques of Bullies

Of course, ambient or stealth abuse and manipulation can exist in the context of any kind of relationship and intimacy whatsoever. However, sly abuse of power and underhanded manipulation, with bizarre paranoid malicious gossip and all manner of Sadistic instigators and their eager and foolish proxy pawns, are only all the easier given distance, even shunning and social isolation as experienced by targets of relational bullying and harassment, scapegoats, dissidents and whistleblowers.

Answer

In my view, creating a climate of rivalries via unfinished relationsips - such as the allegedly estranged wife the narcissist hangs onto but claims "nothing" is going on, while simultaneously being inappropriately involved considering the relationship is allegedly defunct; failing to disclose & openly conduct what is supposed to be the narcissist's current and primary relationship; insisting on communcating with past girlfriends and making it known one is doing so while agreeing this is not appropriate given narcissit's betrayals, but breaking such agreements; betraying trust by returning to past girlfriends - and so forth, is an example of what is termed "ambient abuse" because an adept and persuasive liar finds excuses and various reasons to explain away all of the above, while continuing to undermine what is supposed to be a primary relationship (and refusing to relinquish such relationship even when caught betraying trust).

The end result is a supposedly primary relationship built on nothing but lies, deceit, betrayal, complications and a pervasive atmosphere of fear in the form of intense insecurity.

The individual caught in this web of intrigue is naturally hypervigilent and afraid because nothing makes sense. Meanwhile, the narcissist inists "black" is "white".

An empty guarantee is often worse than none at all. Bound by exclusive fidelity, never reciprocated, the hapless partner of such a Narcissistic playa becomes only the more isolated and in the dark. The manipulative abuser has not only locked out any possible competition that might press fair value and dignity, but craftily enlisted the mark in the desperate and lonely effort.

Husband to wife: You think you have friends?! Our friends are courteous people. They don't tell you how ridiculous they think you are, but they tell each other...and I've overheard comments. You don't have any friends; just people who feel sorry for your ignorance. People merely tolerate you out of a sense of kindness and feeling sorry for your pitiful appearance and your ridiculous ideas. Perhaps you should practice keeping your mouth shut...and while you're at it, take a look in the mirror. If that looks good to you, you're really more messed up than they think you are. Rather than embarrass me further, why don't you just stay at home so I don't have to be seen with you. After all, I would like to have friends who don't avoid me, just because they don't want to be around you or be put in a position where you're imposing on their patience and tolerance. It might be a good idea for you to consider seeing a psychiatrist. Maybe a professional could get through to you. I'm tired of trying to get through to you. You're just too far gone for me to be able to help you by telling you the truth about yourself. If you don't believe me, that's proof enough that you're beyond help. Why can't you be more like other women I enjoy being around? Do you really think it's attractive to be so boring and stupid?... but you really aren't capable of seeing the truth beyond your fairytale world, are you? You really are a mental case. You're lucky I'm so devoted to our marriage vows...or you'd be on the street. Do you think any other man would have you? Do you think you'd have even friends who pretend to be interested, if I put you out of my house? If you don't have the ability to see beyond your own warped truth, at least, appreciate the fact that I let you stay here...at least, for now. You have a roof over your head, clothes on your back and food in the kitchen. What more do you want? That's gratitude for you!!

I have experienced this several times with different individuals before I realized my pattern and finally found a true friend to marry. Whatever I contributed to the household was never good enough. We could have something that was perfectly edible but he would go out of his way to get a different brand of the same food...and complain about what I brought into the home. Never really saying anything directly to me but just constantly making sure I knew that his preferences were different...and superior. The constant disregard or "forgetting" of my likes and dislikes. "Oh yes that's right; you don't like mushrooms. Well, there's plenty of the sidedish." My husband had a desk job and used to go to work and call home to check on me or tell me what to do or monitor my progress according to what he thought should be done. So annoying.

Your letter mentions "ignoring my intuition". It's odd, because in my two+year relationship with an abuser, I often had feelings of dread and foreboding. Each time I was correct in those feelings, though I did indeed see him those times when he would call, drunk, and ask to see me. My gut was telling me to run in the opposite direction, but I didn't. And each time, there was drama-fights and abuse. There were times when I turned around and went home without seeing him, and I am certain I avoided trouble. In the final months, when he would call and I would return to him, almost immediately I felt sad and wanted to cry. Even if things were good for a week, or two, or three, I knew that nothing would really change. If I ever tried to discuss anything that upset him, he became angry. His apologies were always in some way my fault. Enough is enough. Nothing will change, unless I take the first step-I left him last week. As the Stabbing Westward song goes "If I must be lonely, I think I'd rather be alone". Be strong. Thanks for your input. Beverly I've experienced stealth abuse in my past two relationships, and am now addressing it and becoming healthy again. Neither of these relationships involved the classic abuse pattern (controlling behavior, extreme jealousy etc) but both were abusive none the less.

I'm 22 now. The first relationship was when I was 18, with a person a good friend of mine set me up with. He had been interested in me, and I thought he was sweet and that I'd give him a chance. I knew something was wrong but ignored my intuition -- he was immediately very intense about the relationship, talking about marriage and whatnot. He idealized me to the extreme, which I was uncomfortable with, but also routinely tore me down and criticized me, so I felt sad and confused. He also pressured me about sex. A few months into the relationship, he had sex with me against my will. I did not see him any more after that, but did try to resolve things through e-mail, which was a huge, unproductive mistake. There was no resolution with him-- he changed from idealizing me to completely devaluing me, calling me names, telling me I said and did things which in reality were his actions(!), implying I was delusional and making things up because I was in love with him, that he had the power. It was a nasty shock to me that there are really people like that out there.

The violation was my first experience having sex.

I began another relationship a year and a half later, after I'd spent a significant amount of energy dealing with my last experience and felt ready to have a positive relationship. This time it was my choosing, not a set-up, and I resolved to be true to myself. I felt comfortable enough with my partner to tell him what had happened sexually in my last relationship, and was glad that he seemed so respectful about it. He also respected my space and was reasonable and un-intense. However, several months into my relationship with him he launched into a speech about how he had dated a sexual assault survivor before, and I was similar to her and must act in certain ways because of my experience, and he felt sorry for himself for being burdened with that, and he had more power in the relationship because of it, and I would surely become co-dependent etc. He took a deep vulnerability I had shared with him and threw it back at me.

I should have walked away without looking back. But I felt threatened and scared, and sexually insecure.

He apologized later, and I believed him and continued trying to have a relationship with him. But I found that I was scared to express my emotions to him. He acted closed off and refused to have intercourse with me, and it was an executive decision rather than something we discussed together. This made my fears about sex much worse, and it didn't do much for my self esteem either. I felt completely humiliated, and that I would never be able to have a healthy relationship. He was physical with me but isolated me emotionally. When we talked about everything that had been happening between us emotionally, and started having open communication and moved into a forgiveness and resolution process, we did make love together-- my first real experience ever. But less than a week later, he cheated on me by having a threesome with my coworker and her boyfriend.

I also found out that he had cheated on me with an old girlfriend for several months, and concealed this information from me. He even got tested for HIV knowing that his results might not be fully accurate, deciding the risk was low enough to risk my health.

So, I haven't dated anyone who fits the classic abuser profile, but I've dated some pretty mean dudes.

And I am someone who is very ashamed of my relationships, and very ashamed that I let all that stuff happen to me, so I don't talk much about it. As you will see I'm even anonymous here. I feel pathetic. I feel like I should have stood up for myself and trusted my gut, walked away and made self-loving, self-respecting choices. But I will now! I learned a lot of hard lessons in a relatively short period of time.

It breaks my heart when I think of how many people are being abused. Stay strong everyone.

I am or have been in a relationship just like this. Except it's things like my tone of voice. Example I had my "work voice" on instead of my normal voice so he cut the conversation off. Or he'd say I was listening but that he didn't listen (like there's a distinction some how). Offer to buy me a new bar-b-que but take it off my child support payments. And he only takes 2 out of the 3 kids (the last one is an infant) and he doesn't have the room in his apartment to take all three. But maybe he'll think about taking her on the weekends when he doesn't take the others. So I never have a childfree weekend (there's 5 children in total here). Everything is on his terms.He wants the kids to call him every night so he feels needed but frequently hangs up on them because they didn't talk to him (they're only 2 and 4 years old). If he has the kids and knows I'm going to be renovating the house he'll call several times over the weekend to see if I'm done yet, and how lonely he is. And if he knows that I'm doing something for the kids like make them a quilt or paint the room or something special for them that's going to be a surprise, then he'll tell them that he has a surprise for them. And he'll make comments like oh you must be bored if you're doing that... They're very subtle comments but they're constant. Daily really. And everything, everything is always my fault. It's terrible and he's not even here!! If i don't answer the phone then he'll either call every 15 minutes or else he'll stop by unexpectedly with a coffee. Very intrusive. Even neighbours have come over because he's asked them to stop by and "see how I'm doing". Heaven forbid if someone comes to visit!! I even get intrigated when people park their cars across the street from my house. the neighbours are just being polite saying oh there's this type of car parked outside of the house, she must have company. But if he doesn't recognize the car then the phone starts ringing and the comments come flying. He even questions things I sort through and give to the goodwill. It's a nightmare really. But at least he's no longer living in the house anymore so the physical violence, and intimidation is gone.

My self confidence and sense of self is began to diminish in December of 2004. Now I have only a vague idea of what I think I have become. I�ve all but given up my identity and in some way made myself an extension of his personality. I realize from my past that I�ve always had weak ego boundaries and domineering personalities allow me to be more submissive, less confrontational and unwilling to make waves in the interests of �getting along."

I have a 2 year old daughter and she continues to witness her father constantly calling me names like that are denigrating, or having reference to filth. I'm sometimes sworn at in an appareant attempt to 'get my attention' As if I weren't listening in the first place. The outbursts were never this strong and not as frequent. We used to have fun together, now we just pass each other in the house, with me hoping I don't provoke him into another rage or another intense lecture. I'm always given instruction or directions when he leaves the house, as if I wouldn't know what to do with my time if he weren't around. It's hard to really put a finger on the abuse itself because it usually happens in a lot of different scenarios at a lot of different times. Most times, he makes it seem as though if I hadn't provoked him, he wouldn't have yelled or lost his cool or what ever. I guess, if I had to compare it to anything, it's a little like living with a slightly senile person who remembers some things, but not others. He finds you comical to torment and even if you tell him his behavior hurts you, he says things like, "I don't know what you mean." "Exactly when did I do anything that hurt you". If you come up with specific examples, they say, "I don't remember that." Then you sit there like a fool trying to find an incident he does remember and then he says you're just overreacting to an incident and pushes it off on your interpretation of it. And they honestly, honestly don't remember the incident the way that you do and if you ask them, they will tell you a completely different story in order to distract you from your true intent which is to engage them in dialogue. It is really hopeless.

I've told him several times that if he is not happy with me, he may leave at anytime. The house and the business I started are in my name alone. He owns the car. I hide within myself when he's around and I don't like to sleep with him. We don't have sex anymore. I can't stand it.

I thought it was me. I thought I was being ungrateful and picky. I made excuses for his behaviour, "because he came from so far away to see me (us) and he was working so hard to save up the time to come and visit". I began a long distance romance with a firefighter in California. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. Slowly, my sense of self-worth was eroded by this needy, manipulative, narcissistic man. Obviously, I was a sitting duck. Separated and trying to raise two boys. He just slipped in under my radar. Arguments were pointless because he had a special way of making me feel like I was the crazy one. When I refused outright to allow him to help with my mortgage, his use of the words stubborn and ungrateful were like he was swearing at me. When I refused his offer of a new microwave, he went down to the breaker box and disconnected the connection (unbeknownst to me). When my old, faithful microwave suddenly stopped working, there he was with a new one. When I put a downpayment on a new door for my entranceway, he secretly went back to the store and paid it all off. This is typical behaviour for a man in the early stages of abuse - he wants to make himself indispensible. When he expressed an interest in disciplining the boys, I told him if he had issues with the boys, to discuss them directly with them, but that I was going to handle discipline. He then went on a rant about how the job of a step-parent was thankless and that I was not supporting him in his hopes of being a good father figure. We were not married/living together and I didn't consider him as anything more than "the boyfriend". He wanted to adopt the boys and when I pointed out that their father would never give up his parental rights (and had no reason to), once again, I was not being supportive. He would shame my sons into tears and be proud of it. He raped me anally when I was pregnant with our daughter and then told me I had imagined it. How do you imagine anal violation? When I wanted my daughter to have a hyphenated last name, he ranted and raved about hauling me into court and taking her away from me (she was 10 days old). He shared my innermost thoughts and feelings about my family with my brother and sister-in-law and denied that he had. He told my neighbours he couldn't refuse my request to have a baby (that I trapped him into it). He told friends that I expected him to quit his job in California and move to Canada. At that point, I was grateful for the time away from him...why would I want him to come here fulltime? When I wanted to return to school after the baby, he offered to help financially, but somehow, the money just couldn't make it from California to Ontario. Mysterious. He claimed he didn't have a checking account. Enter the financial control. Yuck. When I think about the things he did to me sexually, the hurt he caused, the humiliation. He used to tell me, "You need this". I haven't been with a man since I kicked him out 3 years ago. Don't want sex. I want to heal mentally and physically.

He had to go. He started to tell me that no one else would want me. That who else would come from so far away? I started not to care. He still watches my house. I am sure he is responsible for at least 90% of the hangup phonecalls we get. He comes to visit my daughter and uses her as an excuse to shadow me. My lawyer just doesn't get it. I guess this form of abuse is just too subtle for his brain.

This story is just a short version of the months of crazy-making behaviour I have experienced at the hands of this nut. We are still trying to wash off the "dirt" he brought into our home. Please, please listen to your instincts. If you find yourself making excuses for someone's bad behaviour, stop. It is NEVER EVER your fault. Does he scowl at you to make you behave in a certain way? Give you the silent treatment? Does he insist on taking you to appointments and picking you up? This guy was insulted when my therapist didn't want to talk to him. Like he had the inside track on my thinking...Does he show up even when you tell him you will make your own way home? You cannot change him. If he promises he will when you threaten to leave, just leave. He will not change. Above all, don't get sucked back into his game. He will just make you crazy all over again. Women deserve so much better than this. Be strong. Stand up for yourself. Believe in yourself. There are good, helpful people out there. Women's Shelters and Sexual Assault Centres are good places for support. Calling a Crisis Line can get you in contact with other sources. I found this website interesting - although some of the messages are not very helpful.

Now with all that said, i want to address the 5 categories I read above:

1. Inducing disorientation: I am still in the process of going over all the things that may have caused this in her. Although i supported her in all her endeavors, i failed to tell her. I told my friends how great she was in handling dilemmas, but it should have been her i told. I did make her doubt her decision from the past but I did not use lying as a tool. I used my black/white perception (which is changing). I did encourage her to pursue her dreams in her sport and life. But I did not do it consistently.

2.Incapacitating: I do not believe i did this, although she is the one who can answer this best. I would help her if she needed help, but I did not see her as a hapless person who needed me to do everything for her. Although i did try to offer advice on certain situations and how to handle them in order to make things easier for her (she works hard and I was attempting to alleviate some of the burdens).

3.Shared Psychosis (Follies-a-Deux): I live in the real world so i do not see this as a factor. I did not perceive "imaginary enemies" other than those I have actually encountered in real-world situations, which she was no where near. The ones I faced were real and if any of you have been in the "Sand Box" you will understand. I did test her integrity and loyalty, which i hold as a creed. I showed her complete loyalty and integrity, i would never violate that and would expect the same. I do not believe in flirting, cheating, or any other way that would make her doubt she was the one I loved.

4.Abuse of Information: I was allowed access to her email and phone records and I did look at it. Just as i offered her access to mine so she could have peace of mind if she wanted it. I abused that and now see it as an invasion of privacy that I should not have done.

5.Control by Proxy: The only times I have "recruited" anyone was to talk to her. She is angry with me and if she could hear from others I believed that she would listen to a third party. I did not prod, cajole, or script anything. My friends are just that, friends, and they saw how devastated I am and asked if they could do anything. All I asked is if they had anything to say, to just call her and talk. But I do not dump them.

There is no doubt i did some wrong things, probably a lot in her view (which is what counts the most). But the fact now is she is devastated and I am to blame for that. With her bringing this up to me, I am able to look at the harm I caused. I am hoping that it is not too late, because now that it is out in the open, I can see it and do something about it. Whatever changes i need to make are not impossible now that they are in full view in my eyes. They are changes i will make in order to make right what I have done wrong. I know deep inside that these are things that are not impossible but rather "common sense". Her fear is that i will revert back to the same thing, but the real truth is I am going to revert back to the original person she first met and fell in love with. I can remember her smile and laughter and beaming love and that is what i wish more than anything to see again. Her trust in me is not going to happen right away, and i understand that and accept that and the only thing that is left to do is show her these changes and keep showing her over and over. Maybe one day she will accept me and believe in me again. Now that i have been shown the outcome of my actions, it is my responsibility and duty to her to show her how much she means to me and never fail her again. And i would expect of her to not take any "crap" from me and tell me so.

This is a topic I so desperately need to do research on to build a battered woman's case in a law-suit with my battering ex-husband's sister (she is his defender and enabler and traitor to battered women. . Her brother once beat someone up with a Baseball bat the guy was in intensive care, but Valerie has stated in legal documents she is "proud to be an enabler" (and supposedly the defender of family honor...the one who makes more money that all of us and can therefore "save" us all". Anyhow, I barely have time for all the research but I would love to hear from any and or all of you on my message board. There is so much perception here of the subtle treachery. Anyhow, I really want to mention that long ago I wondered how to detect an abuser (after I came out of an abusive childhood wwith a cruel mother who tried to kill me in a car accident over a lollipop I asked for) and many years later I could spot an abuser plain as day in borad daylight. One of thee most prevalent characteristics of these men is that at FIRST they make the most obvious public displays of their interest (how inappropriate...intimacy is private, not public). They try to occupy the heights of public life while they attempt to conquer you. You'd almost cower in the grocery store in submission if you didn't realize how despicable this type of "courtship" is. They do it in public at first because the odds are you are not going to publicly embarrass him or yourself. Public domination is almost a guarantee you'll "be nice". So I've had to defend myself in public plenty and not feel the slightest bit guilty over the fact that I've saved myself from this type of public exploitation where I have no choice except to be "nice". You're out there trying to work and take care of personal needs...you're not out there to "socialize" or make friends. You already have plenty of friends, you socialize plenty, your time is your time whenever you choose it. The fact that you are walking in broad daylight does not mean you are an open door they can walk through. One more thing....lets not confuse when "nice guys" are just nice just to be nice. Not everyone who is nice means he wants to jump into bed. And that works both ways. I've had plenty of guys think I meant more than I did just because I meant to be polite and "nice."

Answer

I should certainly hope that not all solicitation of third party consultation or even of intervention outright automatically constitutes abuse by howsoever unwitting proxy! I'd even hope that all public attention of any sort whatsoever does not automatically constitute manipulation by deliberately creating awkward tension and invading privacy. I certainly hope that there can be allowance for interest and support. Otherwise, I might need to invest in a portable cone of silence! The concept of stealth abuse is not of simple misunderstanding but of something intentional and devious.

I think victims can stop the cycle of abuse by removing themselves from the situation and not adding fuel to the fire in any way. Unless the abuser goes to counseling and gets behavior modification, long term change is unlikely. Short term, abuse will reappear on its usual cycle. This is not to say that the victim is at fault; but rather that it is safer to remove oneself from the vicious cycle and move on. The list below, which I copied from another answer, seems appropriate.

Remove Yourself from his "World"

a) Relocate to a place he does not know about; get a PO Box and put a privacy code on it.

b) Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests. [comment: have mixed feelings about working with the system; definitely do not ignore any decisions you are obligated to meet, or do not seek the final decision]

c) With the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the abuser.

d) Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages.

e) Return all gifts he sends you. ["Return to Sender"]

f) Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. [Change locks if you have not moved]

g) Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him. [Keep recordings of any messages he leaves, especially threats]

h) Do not answer his letters, emails, etc.

i) Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

j) Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

k) Disconnect from third parties whom you know are contacting you at his behest.

l) Do not discuss him with your children.

m) Do not gossip about him.

n) Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need. [Do not provide him anything or return anything to him]

o) When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.

p) Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

How to cope with your abuser? Sometimes it looks hopeless. Abusers are ruthless, immoral, sadistic, calculated, cunning, persuasive, deceitful - in short, they appear to be invincible. They easily sway the system in their favor. Here is a list of escalating countermeasures. They represent the distilled experience of thousands of victims of abuse. They may help you cope with abuse and overcome it. Not included are legal or medical steps. Consult an attorney, an accountant, a therapist, or a psychiatrist, where appropriate.

First, you must decide:

Do you want to stay with him - or terminate the relationship?

FIVE DON'T DO'S - How to Avoid the Wrath of the Narcissist

• Never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him;
• Never offer him any intimacy;
• Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him (for instance: by his professional achievements or by his good looks, or by his success with women and so on);
• Never remind him of life out there and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity;
• Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.

The TEN DO'S - How to Make your Narcissist Dependent on You If you INSIST on Staying with Him.

• Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says and agree with it all. Don't believe a word of it but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
• Personally offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist which they cannot obtain anywhere else. Also be prepared to line up future sources of primary Narcissistic Supply for your narcissist because you will not be IT for very long, if at all. If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, they become that much more dependent on you.
• Be endlessly patient and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally, and keeping the peace.

  Be endlessly giving. This one may not be attractive to you, but it is a take it or leave it proposition.

• Be absolutely emotionally and financially independent of the narcissist. Take what you need: the excitement and engulfment and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive.
• Yelling back works really well but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you; the silent treatment is better as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content, more with the air of boredom and "I'll talk to you later, when I am good and ready, and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion". Treat your narcissist as you would a child.
• If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having much sex - then give yourself ample permission to have "hidden" sex with other people. Your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to infidelity so discretion and secrecy is of paramount importance.
• If your narcissist is somatic and you don't mind, join in on group sex encounters but make sure that you choose properly for your narcissist. If you do mind - leave him. Somatic narcissists are sex addicts and incurably unfaithful.
• If you are a "fixer", then focus on fixing situations, preferably before they become "situations". Don't for one moment delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist - it simply will not happen. If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of their condition, with no negative implications or accusations in the process at all. It is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss, calmly, unemotionally, what the limitations and benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors, rather than trying to change them.
• Finally, and most important of all: Know Yourself.

  What are you getting from the relationship? Are you actually a masochist? A codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting?

  Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship.

• Define the things that you find harmful to you. Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don't expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are. You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down on the really harmful behaviors that affect you - but this can only be accomplished in a very trusting, frank and open relationship.

(1a) Insist on Your Boundaries - Resist Abuse

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences, and priorities.

Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious behavior.

If you are up to the inevitable confrontation, react in kind. Let him taste some of his own medicine.

Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him. Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail.

If things get rough- disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends and colleagues, or threaten him (legally).

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.

Never give him a second chance. React with your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Be guarded. Don't be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence.

Be yourself. Don't misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities, and red lines.

Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word. Be firm and resolute.

Stay away from such quagmires. Scrutinize every offer and suggestion, no matter how innocuous.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others informed of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation.

Be vigilant and doubting. Do not be gullible and suggestible. Better safe than sorry.

Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.

Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

(1b) Mirror His Behavior

Mirror the narcissist�s actions and repeat his words. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack, rage back. If he threatens, threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house, leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious, act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level.

(1c) Frighten Him

Identify the vulnerabilities and susceptibilities of the narcissist and strike repeated, escalating blows at them.

If a narcissist has a secret or something he wishes to conceal, use your knowledge of it to threaten him. Drop cryptic hints that there are mysterious witnesses to the events and recently revealed evidence. Do it cleverly, noncommittally, gradually, in an escalating manner.

Let his imagination do the rest. You don't have to do much except utter a vague reference, make an ominous allusion, delineate a possible turn of events.

Needless to add that all these activities have to be pursued legally, preferably through the good services of law offices and in broad daylight. If done in the wrong way, they might constitute extortion or blackmail, harassment and a host of other criminal offences.

(1d) Lure Him

Offer him continued Narcissistic Supply. You can make a narcissist do anything by offering, withholding, or threatening to withhold Narcissistic Supply (adulation, admiration, attention, sex, awe, subservience, etc.).

(1e) Play on his Fear of Abandonment

If nothing else works, explicitly threaten to abandon him.

You can condition the threat ("If you don't do something or if you do it, I will desert you").

The narcissists perceives the following as threats of abandonment, even if they are not meant as such:

Confrontation, fundamental disagreement, and protracted criticism When completely ignored When you insist on respect for your boundaries, needs, emotions, choices, preferences When you retaliate (for instance, shout back at him).

(IIa) Fight Him in Court

Here are a few of the things the narcissist finds devastating, especially in a court of law, for instance during a deposition:

Any statement or fact, which seems to contradict his inflated perception of his grandiose self. Any criticism, disagreement, exposure of fake achievements, belittling of "talents and skills" which the narcissist fantasizes that he possesses, any hint that he is subordinated, subjugated, controlled, owned or dependent upon a third party. Any description of the narcissist as average and common, indistinguishable from many others. Any hint that the narcissist is weak, needy, dependent, deficient, slow, not intelligent, naive, gullible, susceptible, not in the know, manipulated, a victim.

The narcissist is likely to react with rage to all these and, in an effort to re-establish his fantastic grandiosity, he is likely to expose facts and stratagems he had no conscious intention of exposing.

The narcissist reacts with narcissistic rage, hatred, aggression, or violence to an infringement of what he perceives to be his entitlement. Any insinuation, hint, intimation, or direct declaration that the narcissist is not special at all, that he is average, common, not even sufficiently idiosyncratic to warrant a fleeting interest will inflame the narcissist.

Tell the narcissist that he does not deserve the best treatment, that his needs are not everyone's priority, that he is boring, that his needs can be catered to by an average practitioner (medical doctor, accountant, lawyer, psychiatrist), that he and his motives are transparent and can be easily gauged, that he will do what he is told, that his temper tantrums will not be tolerated, that no special concessions will be made to accommodate his inflated sense of self, that he is subject to court procedures, etc. - and the narcissist will lose control.

Contradict, expose, humiliate, and berate the narcissist ("You are not as intelligent as you think you are", "Who is really behind all this? It takes sophistication which you don't seem to have", "So, you have no formal education", "you are (mistake his age, make him much older) ... sorry, you are ... old", "What did you do in your life? Did you study? Do you have a degree? Did you ever establish or run a business? Would you define yourself as a success?", "Would your children share your view that you are a good father?", "You were last seen with a Ms. ... who is (suppressed grin) a cleaning lady (in demeaning disbelief)".

Be equipped with absolutely unequivocal, first rate, thoroughly authenticated and vouched for information.

(IIb) If You Have Common Children

I described in "The Guilt of the Abused - Pathologizing the Victim" how the system is biased and titled against the victim. Regrettably, mental health professionals and practitioners - marital and couple therapists, counselors - are conditioned, by years of indoctrinating and dogmatic education, to respond favorably to specific verbal cues.

The paradigm is that abuse is rarely one-sided - in other words, that it is invariably "triggered" either by the victim or by the mental health problems of the abuser. Another common lie is that all mental health problems can be successfully treated one-way (talk therapy) or another (medication).

This shifts the responsibility from the offender to his prey. The abused must have done something to bring about their own maltreatment - or simply were emotionally "unavailable" to help the abuser with his problems. Healing is guaranteed if only the victim were willing to participate in a treatment plan and communicate with the abuser. So goes the orthodoxy.

Refusal to do so - in other words, refusal to risk further abuse - is harshly judged by the therapist. The victim is labeled uncooperative, resistant, or even abusive!

The key is, therefore, feigned acquiescence and collaboration with the therapist's scheme, acceptance of his/her interpretation of the events, and the use of key phrases such as: "I wish to communicate/work with (the abuser)", "trauma", "relationship", "healing process", "inner child", "the good of the children", "the importance of fathering", "significant other" and other psycho-babble. Learn the jargon, use it intelligently and you are bound to win the therapist's sympathy.

Above all - do not be assertive, or aggressive and do not overtly criticize the therapist or disagree with him/her.

I make the therapist sound like yet another potential abuser - because in many cases, he/she becomes one as they inadvertently collude with the abuser, invalidate the abuse experiences, and pathologize the victim.

(IIc) Refuse All Contact

Be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counsellors, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do NOT contravene the decisions of the system. Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings - but NEVER rebel against them or ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and your interests.

But with the exception of the minimum mandated by the courts - decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist.

Do not respond to his pleading, romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening e-mail messages.

Return all gifts he sends you.

Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom.

Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him, in a single, polite but firm, sentence, that you are determined not to talk to him.

Do not answer his letters.

Do not visit him on special occasions, or in emergencies.

Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you through third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest.

Do not discuss him with your children.

Do not gossip about him.

Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs - or his.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him - when and where possible - to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

Firstly, this is not hopeless, the cycle of abuse CAN be broken, but on the other hand it doesn't work out very often.

Only times I ever knew this kind of stuff to get a happy ending began by the victim leaving, with the kids, pets, family car, whatever, until the abuser had shown SUSTAINED PROOF that they were getting outside help (3 months seems to work).

Rule one: There are good reasons why the law says you can't be a lover and a therapist ... so don't try.

While I am on the subject, if you feel you are in any way to blame, try to find outside help yourself. If you get the right kind you'll either identify fix whatever is your responsibility, or learn how to see that pretty much none of it is. (You know you need help with this cutting stuff anyway, so what's to lose?).

Rule Two: Only way a relationship is ever going to work is between two equals.

There is no real difference between:

a) You as victim, spouse as abuser. b) You as Judge, spouse as penitent.

They are just psychological and emotional mirror images.

It's just as unhealthy and dysfunctional for you to manipulate and control him as it is for him to manipulate and control you.

If you do that, you flip the cycle of abuse over...but you don't come close to stopping it.

Abuse is about CONTROL...controllers (this is going to be hard to believe, but it's true) relate almost as easily to BEING controlled as they do to controlling...the only way to break that up is to get them AWAY from control and into healthier situations, same goes for the victim.

Healthy people in healthy relationships do not maneuver each other, they rather accept and try to understand each other and grow as much honesty and intimacy between them as they possibly can.

The only way to truly break the cycle of abuse in the long term is if both parties determine to set course for being healthy people in a healthy relationship.

If you can't get that deal, it's time to walk.

Personally, in your situation I would also insist on a "no firearms, no ammo" deal until he can learn to use them responsibly. I'm sure his "gun to head" scenarios are mind games, but a loaded gun is a dangerous toy ... this could end in several kinds of tragedy he never intended.

I am involved with a covert abuser who is an expert in lying, withholding, neglecting, crazy-making behavior, shifting blame, pretending to be the victim, etc... After many confrontations, she switched the visible part of the abuse to entirely covert abuse. I now feel that the best way to protect myself is by rebuilding myself WITHOUT LETTING HER KNOW ABOUT IT, ie by: 1/ collecting a lot of information on abuse (especially covert abuse) 2/ Observing the situation without confronting her or letting her know that I am aware of what she is doing 3/ Avoiding contact while rebuilding my self-esteem and regaining trust in my perception of reality, with the help of family and friends (I told her I was depressed and needed to be alone and played numb on the phone a lot) 4/ I think she is gradually losing interest in me, since I act like I'm psychologically down, dead almost, and she is now turning to other "preys". Even though I feel a little cowardly, it is the only way I have found to get away. I feel that by encouraging victims to confront their abusers, you are underestimating the power of some abusers who can be extremely manipulative. Confronting them will just lead to more abuse and the victim will just lose even more strength in the process.

Hey! Abuse is horrible. It scars you for life, but there is a way out it takes time. I have been a victim of abuse so i can relate but the cycle will only continue if you let it. You have to be the one to put a stop to it! If you are being abused by a spouse or loves one it is the hardest cycle to end. You love the person but if they are abusing you mentally or phys they really don't love you. You relate to the abuse and sometimes feel the need for it because that's is the way that that person has expressed "love" You have to be strong get away and surround yourself with only good positive people who are then non abusive. Sorry that this is happened to you :(

The cycle of abuse can be stopped abruptly in the blink of an eye or it will stop over time.

Sometimes people don't have time and something should be done. There is no one worth enough to constantly receive abuse from them. No one should go through that and no one deserves that. Emotional, physical or otherwise.

I'll tell you how the cycle of abuse I was in stopped.

I was smacked around and punched on a regular basis, but I loved him so I stayed. I was young and very very naive. I finally stood up to him and told him to leave. He gave me the " I love you but I'm not in love with you, I care about you but I don't want to be with you, I'll take care of you and give you money but I won't live with you" just so he could feel the power like he made the decision to leave. Those were the best 2 weeks of my life. I was relaxed and was free to breath. He came back after 2 weeks, broke into my apartment and beat me up beyond recognition because he said I was cheating on him. He said if I wasn't going to be with him then no one else would be with me either. That night he ran and I called 911. The police found him and arrested him and put him in jail, unfortunately for the law he could only be kept for 3 months and was released. While he was in jail, I built up my case and moved out of state. When he was released he didn't contact me which really shocked me because of his possessive behavior. The turning point came about when he was placed in jail again for 5 more months for violation of probation and he wrote me letters crying begging for me to come back. Saying how he was sorry and wanted to make it up to me. I went for a year not sleeping at night only a few hours during the day, going out and constantly looking over my shoulder and drinking to forget about everything that happened. The point that I realized I was strong was when I returned to the state he lives in to finalize my divorce and I went to the jail to confront him and he cried like a baby. He cried like a baby, like I had done all those times when he hit me for no reason and I did the same thing to him that he did to me: I showed absolutely no emotion. After my visit to him he sent me letter after letter doing the same thing he always did, trying to make me feel bad. He said how much I hurt him by not consoling him. I never responded and finally realized what I had told him, that we were over. Now I am happily in a relationship with a wonderful person who lets me be me.

I know it sounds weak to say this and I hate it, but I am also a victim of the cycle of abuse not only by him but by a court appointed psychologist also. I knew then, that I was in a no win situation. So the cycle continues on. Darn it, and I never expected, nor wanted any part of this thing called spousal abuse, yet here I sit. I have tried to educate myself on the subject, as much as I can. Thinking that if I understood it a little better I might find a way out without further hurt. I've learned many things regarding the nature of abuse, cycle of abuse, types of abuse and abusers, and some of the whys. Yet I'm still scared to death. After many years of consistently working I became disabled. My disability pension helps me to survive for which I am very grateful. But the main thing that I treasure are my two precious children. Ages 11 and 8. I had them, named them, and paid for them, and they are health insured by me, through my former employer. So is he insured under my policies, as a matter of fact. I have always been the main contributor financially in this relationship, the main nurturer to our children, basically head of household, and/so I feel compelled by meeting the needs of my children, otherwise we would do without a lot, and because I cannot afford to further my plight in this situation, thus compensating not only what is left of me, but also my children's welfare. I cannot, and will not for their sake. For they mean more to me, than anything life has ever offered. I call them the gifts that only God can give. My abuser works, as well but what he makes is a secret. It is the same old tired story, and I am his focus for anger. Fortunately for me, after one terrible day two years ago he'd called the police on me again after trying two other times to try to get back at me for the one time he was arrested for domestic violence. They almost arrested both of us, since I had sprayed him with pepper spray to keep him off of me. He said, the children were present when I did it, and they were not. Finally my mother came by and told the police the things (that only she knows) about his abusiveness. So finally they released me and when he verbally agreed to leave and work out of town, then he was released. He comes home on weekends (every weekend). Gives the house and me the white glove treatment and if it doesn't suit him it can be hell to pay. Verbally sometimes physically, slanderously, and threatens me with calling social services. Now my children are well cared for and I'm sure their teachers if confronted would agree but there are sometimes a few dirty dishes and laundry to be done. I cannot always keep up to his demands. I am just physically and sometimes emotionally unable. But there are no roaches, or garbage There is always food and too many clothes for the children, there is just sometimes and not always neglected chores. I could not bare the emotional threat and strain of him somehow causing me any more added problems by bringing in a Social services visit to our home. He threatens to take the children from me, and get rid of me. He'll put me in a home, and find him someone else who can do it all. These words are a nicer way of putting it. According to him ,He has an excellent attorney, I'm disabled but he will see to it that I lose that, I had better never touch any alcohol, since I have had problems with it in my distant past, he says he could convince any of them I'm insane, inept, and a drunk. Reminding me of the time, after he was arrested for domestic violence the court appointed psychologist believed him. And it is true. I went in that psychologists office intent to tell my side of it for once. I was warned by my so-called spouse before hand that that shrink says, You're the one that has the problem! Surely enough, that psychologist was already convinced before I arrived. I had not said, but one or two things before he interrupted me and pointed his pencil accusingly at me and said, You are the one with the problem! While I watched my abuser grin at me. That was the most defenseless and scared I've ever been. I still am. My being on a physical disability (also for panic disorder) seems to him a way to do it. My fear is not so much for myself but for my children, whom I would give my life. How can I break this terrible cycle I'm in, without jeopardizing losing my children? Yet by their hearing and seeing him abuse me cannot be good for them either. There must be a way. I am sick of the hurt and craziness of this whole thing. I do not want revenge just a way out. Why shouldn't I keep my babies? I give them everything and neglect myself, so their needs can be met, and I don't mind. Their everything to me, and as far as I'm concerned their all I've got. He's such a good con. I'm convinced the devil himself resides in him. He had some concocted idea in his head tonight (he's asleep now) that I might be seeing someone else and he'll kill me for it. Pulled back his fist called me everything that could be set to the tongue and demanded I speak, speak, speak! NOW! etc. It is awful living this way.

I know it's hard. I feel your pain. My husband just recently pulled his fist back at me and I immediately moved out into my own place. Please look in the yellow pages and go to a shelter with your kids and let the local authorities know of his actions. Something has to be done about his behaviour. Buy some protection if possible. My husband threatened to get a restraining order against me because, at one point and time we were going to couples counseling and got into an argument. He actually wen t and got the papers to try and scare me. This is when I knew it was time to leave. Please be safe. I hope things get better for you. God Bless

i DONT KNOW IF YOU CAN ACTUALLY STOP THE CYLE AS THE ABUSER FIRST HAS TO REALISE THAT THEY ARE ABUSIVE, WHICH MANY UNFORTUNATELY ARE UNABLE TO SEE. i KNOW THAT AN EX GIRLFRIEND OF MY EX PARTNER CALLED ME AFTER HE HAD SAID CALL HER IF YOU THINK I WAS THAT BAD SHE CALLED HIS BLUFF. AND WE DISCUSSED ISSUES THAT WERE GOING ON . THE ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO ME ALSO HAPPENED TO HER, WHICH REAFFIRMED TO ME THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST SERIAL ABUSERS. THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN STOP THE ABUSE IS TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND SHOW THE PERSON THAT THE WAY THAT THEY ARE TREATING YOU ISN'T ACCEPTABLE. MAYBE AT SOME POINT THE PENNY WILL DROP. YET YOU WILL BE SAFE AND MOVING ON WITH YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THE WEIGHT THAT THE ABUSER IS PUTTING YOU UNDER.

It is impossible to stop the cycle of abuse when you are living with a narcissistic psychopath. It will stop only when you decide to leave . Abusers are incapable of functioning in a loving relationship; and will use violence - be it verbal or physical, as a means to control you and every move you make. The charismatic charlatan you fell in love with, was but a figment of your imagination; and his. The person you thought you knew, never even existed .He has no conscience. Something red flows through his veins; but it most certainly is not the blood of life. He will look for new ways to humiliate you and smother your last ounce of happiness. He is always looking for ways to degrade your image , because it pumps him up. The mere fact that he has a decent, good-looking wife to push around , is all that matters to him. He was never your "other-half". Never your "partner". He never will be. His self-hatred will be used against you in ways you never imagined possible; or at least, in ways you never fathomed the man of your dreams could be, toward you. This person you are determined to remain with-will stop at nothing to destroy you ; to destroy your happiness and even your freedom. He needs an audience ; so, while you are suffering in silence and humiliation - he is falsely portraying you- in any way he can- to anyone who will listen , because he craves attention. The more sympathy he can muster; the more attention. Are you content to feed his "martyrdom" ; never knowing what acts he will perpetrate against you ?The vows he took in matrimony, to love you above all things, was, and is a farce. On your best day you will never meet the standards you think he needs .Why would you stay with someone who capitalizes on your insecurities, even to the point of deliberately using lies against you? If you don't know it by now ; you never will know that this man is your worst enemy. For him, you were his "ounce of normal". The life you thought you had with him, never existed. He charmed you with false acts of love and kindness, only to ensnare you. It was impossible for him to hide his true nature , once you saw him in action on a daily basis .Your decency and good looks were used merely ,by him ,to feed on; sort of as his ticket to humanity .To prove to the world that he is just like everyone else. You can sit there all day and say that you live only for your kids. But what kind of life is it for you or them? The cycle of abuse will end when you leave him. If that is impossible today, then it is up to you to come up with a plan. Take some classes in order to ensure a successful future , not only for yourself ,but for your kids. Above all, do not confide in your husband ;unless you want him to sabotage any chance you have , for happiness .You have freedom over your own mind. You can choose to go forward , if you really want to. I have a feeling that your "disabilities" improve, once you are able to move on. Make that call today. You don't have to continue to be his victim -unless you want to.

Basically. LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP hard as it may seem. It is the only answer. for the abuser will continue to abuse . and will no doubt continue to do so with the next partner that they have. which has happened in my case. however, the girl was brave enough to phone me and ask what my ex was like with me. glad to say she left him too. abusers don't change. move on to a happier and healthier relationship. YES it is possible.

There are no "dos" and "don'ts" in a abusive relationship. You can't believe all of the stuff about the narcissist in the answer above. Not only that, but not all abusers are narcissists and you don't have to have "dependent personality disorder" or be a masochist. Labeling people won't do anything but enable them to continue the way they are. The person who is abusing is just that, a person who is abusive. He/she does it because he/she chooses to, not because his/her "parents were mean" or he/she "grew up in a bad place". We are adults and we choose how we act and respond to our environment. If a person has so little regard for you that they would hit you, that is who they are. You can't change people, especially if you enable them by giving them everything they want. If you are in an abusive relationship, call you local shelter or crisis hotline. Get in touch with family or friends. Try to find a way out. If you must stay where you are for financial reasons, find a safe place to save money for yourself and get out ASAP. Call the authorities. Let people know what's going on. Don't lie or make excuses for your bruises. Some people will be mean to you and act like it's your fault. Just be strong and know that they are obviously ignorant on the subject of domestic violence. Eventually you will find someone to listen. You should not be ashamed because it's not your fault. Whatever you do, DON'T lose track of who YOU are. If you have children, think about what they're seeing. Be strong and believe that no matter what, you are beautiful and you do deserve better. I know what you're going through, I was there for three years. And now, not only am I a survivor, but I am helping two friends in similar situations. One is a few days from getting her own place and getting out for good. The other just started her journey to freedom tonight. That's why I'm here, to look for advice to give her. If you can't find anyone to listen, feel free to e-mail me. cs1275@txstate.edu. I'll be glad to give you a shoulder to lean on.

"How can a victim stop the cycle of abuse?" WOW! I've really been hit with revelations this morning. The cycle of abuse stops when you and I take back our power.

Today I realized that I am still very angry and justifiably so. In fact I am considering seeking professional counseling to help me overcome my anger which has been an open sore that my violators continued to pick at to keep me sore and wounded. I realized this morning that I never really properly healed from my abusive experiences by very sick people who run several versions of a destructive theology that has ruined thousands of lives over the course of 7 decades and left most involved in varying degrees of insanity.

They never wanted for me to heal. I don't care about what my violators feel anymore. I'm fed up with being nice and concerned. I wish all of them a painful hell.

I decided that I have been blessed in more ways than one greatly in the coming new year and don't want to carry any garbage from my past along with me into my new life. This morning I chose freedom. This morning I decided to take my life back. This morning I decided that I finished with religion and really have been for over 2 years now.

I have been in an abusive relationship for a couple years now. I lost all of my friends, hobbies, and respect. I have to dress a certain way, eat a certain way, talk a certain way, and in the process i lost myself. The house must always be clean, and i am scared out of my mind. I do truly love him with every fiber in my body, but how can he love me? I am constantly called names, screamed at, and made fun of by him. He wants me to move out with him as soon as i can (I am not 18 yet) but i am scared and now he doesn't want to be together any more. I need some ones help. He won't let me talk to anyone like a counselor or anything, and nobody knows anything that happens with us. I have to hold everything in and hide things from my family what can i do

The victim is not the one that needs to stop the cycle of abuse. The victim needs to get out and away from the abuser and the abuser needs help. Look in your local phone book there is a number to call for abuse (hot line). In your local paper and such there will be numbers for advocate groups that can help. The police can also help and get the abuser away from the victim. The victim should not wait to seek help, the longer this goes on the more damage to be done, physically and mentally. Run don't walk to get help. It is out there.

Remove yourself from the situation. If necessary, get a restraining order.

I volunteer for an Abused Women's Center and that's your ONLY way of getting away from this piece of dirt! Make a plan. When your abuser is at work phone from a friend's house or a pay phone (not your home phone or cell phone) and make an appointment (at your convenience ... when you can get away) to see a counselor at the Abused Women's Center. A little at a time start packing simple personal things and have it ready to go. Hide your suit case or put your clothing and personal effects in a bag where your abuser can't find it. Once you enter an Abused Women's Center they are well aware of what you have been through and there is a big box of Kleenex always available on the counselors desk. They are kind (some have been abused themselves) and will help you through the red tape. You will be put into a "safe house or transition house" and your abuser or anyone else WILL NOT know where you are. While there they will expect you to do chores, attend programs to teach you the tools so you will not go back to your abuser or get involved in another abusive relationship. There is legal counsel to help you, and they will also try to help you get a job and get back on your feet.

- I do not agree with some of the answers on this page, in one answer it says to mirror the abusers rage and to rage back, but the abuser is usually ten steps ahead of the victim, he/ or she will only use that against him/her. Imagine raging back at the abuser and then the abuser calling him/herself the victim, the best and only way is to stay calm stay clear act not react, get away from the situation completely eliminate contact via, phone, web, in person, get counseling and have documented proof that you are actively seeking help to live a peaceful life....and then live a peaceful life and be the best demonstration you can possibly be of peace on Earth.

That depends on the level of narcissism you are dealing with. The most dangerous ones are the borderlines. They have a tendency to be more low key therefore are very deceptive. If they are abusive (especially physical) then you are ready when you feel you have reached rock bottom. You are ready when:

• You look in the mirror and no longer see the person that you used to be (in a positive way)
• You feel/look as though you've aged rapidly
• Your self esteem is non-existent
• You blame yourself for everything going wrong in the relationship
• You are not healthy mentally and sometimes physically (suicidal thoughts, drinking)
• When you know deep down that the person you have given your life to - your everything to has disappeared.

I could go on but honestly to be with a narcissist is like being in a hall of mirrors. They confuse you so much that you are lost and either 1) cannot leave because you're still in love with that non-existent person or 2) you're strung out on the hope that they'll change or your love will fix it or 3) like any abusive relationiship's mental damage - you think there's no one better out there for you.

Again, depending on the level of narcissism, if you leave they might act as though they don't care (and probably don't because they REALLY DON'T CARE)and go get a new supply source (new partner - most likely they already have someone in mind). Or they might be psycopathic and become angry. They do have a tendency to try and come back into your life - especially if they know you still love them. To them that means your supply hasn't run out. Months and even years could go by... If you are going to leave then truly leave. Because the damage is so deep rooted, you won't be able to leave them in your heart for some time but you can physically leave them. No contact is the best way to go.

Typically, this is person is referred to as an "enabler".

Note that while this is usually used in a negative context, it is possible to be a positive enabler. Strictly speaking, the term "enabler" describes the supporting person, and does not judge whether the receiver of the support being harmful or beneficial.

BIPOLAR IS A MOOD DISORDER

It makes a person moody. Bipolar is caused by imbalanced brain chemistry. It is very treatable. There are three levels of bipolar. Some people have it much worse than others.

NARCISSISM IS A PERSONALITY DISORDER

Narcissism makes someone emotionally abusive and self-centered. Narcissism is not treatable. Narcissists blame and manipulate constantly, and lie all the time. Mental health professionals advise LEAVING narcissists, because they will never be able to change their abusive ways - it's hard wired into their brain to not care. They are selfish, fly into rages if you question them, and must get their way.

Are you involved with a psychopath (extreme sociopath)?

You may not know because they can be very charming and friendly and can appear to be altruistic, until you get close and inevitably they do something threatening or immoral and then you must set limits that disappoint them.

Sometimes very startling is the fact that sociopaths can cry. Yes, tears are seen even in some men, though of course still more common in children and women.

And what is it that gives the psychopaths the ability to evoke compassion -- which they then abuse -- in people by weeping copious tears?
It is the near-constant state of frustration and dissatisfaction felt by a true psychopath is the source of not only their rages but those eerie, on-and-off-like-a-faucet tears. (Yes, tearsare seen even in some men, though of course still more common in children and women.)

Another comment, from the diagnosed "primary psychopath" who wrote much but not all of the text that follows [EXCEPT the input from the other two sociopaths]:

The last time I tried that tears bit, I got "stuck" crying and couldn't stop for most of THREE DAYS!!! Now I avoid it at all costs.

Don’t assume that anyone is a psychopath based only on the person’s apparent attitude and behavior. It is far more complex than that, including factors in the pattern of the person's life and many other characteristics.

Please don’t go around assuming or calling someone a psychopath just because he/she may have some of the warning signs.

For information on what the warning signs are, look up other questions with answers on sociopaths, psychopaths, and antisocial personality disorder herein.

Get a professional opinion from a qualified mental health professional if you think you are involved with a psychopath. And then ask what to do, not only for the psychopath but for yourself, because being involved with a psychopath is risky.

And what then? Only time will tell.

And some people have said that the only way to persuade a sociopath or psychopath to seek help is by threatening him/her with DEATH!!

One way -- or another...

And the main reason sociopaths don't usually seek help from their fellow human beings is that they can't trust, rather than that they like being as they are. Plus, they can often sense exactly what sort of a response any call for help on their part is most likely to elicit from professionals and lay folk alike.

Sociopaths are not breezing along in paradise. It isn't all a game. It's a truly miserable existence. And it can be made better. It may not be "curable" yet, but it most certainly isn't as hopeless as so many people say. There is therefore nothing to be gained and much to be lost when therapists and lay folk try to ostracize sociopaths from the human race entirely! Sensationalism and superstition will only prevent progress.


This was written on another question on the same essential topic as this one, by a self-confessed sociopath who was officially diagnosed (other than me!) --

• Sociopaths, though born that way, are people too. To avoid an entire group of people is absurd. That's like saying, "Since these people have dark skin, everyone should completely avert themselves from them." I am a moderate sociopath, and though part of me doesn't want to change, another does. Many times it is really entertaining to see how stupid people can be, especially when they're so gullible as to believe every word that mellifluously flows from my lips. Yes, I am parasitic, but even so, there are some people I would like to stop hurting. I can't find any websites that can provide a way to help my sociopathy. Maybe people like you should stop your self-victimisation and start trying to actually help people like me! I knew I was a sociopath before the age of ten but have only recently had it officially diagnosed. I am eighteen years old now, and I have been lying and destroying others' sanity for a long time. So, please post some helpful tidbits that might help sociopaths resist the sweet urges we get when we encounter weak human beings. When you cut us, do we not bleed? When you kill us, do we not die? Do you honestly think that you're being lied to and manipulated when we sincerely ask for help. Listen to yourselves! This is the internet; ergo, you're safe from our fortified mental grasp.

• umm... i kindof am one... just so y'all know, it's not so much fun being one either. i read that sentance up there, "Incapable of real human attachment to another." i don't even know what that is, i see it, i approximate it... it's like being outside a door looking through a dirty window and watching re-runs of people i've seen in love or with children or with friends, and scratching, sometimes banging at the glass to get in and... nothing. i'm fond of people in every sense of the word, their little quirks and habits, the way they see life, except if they went away it wouldn't bother me much other than finding someone else to be fond of. i don't have friends, i only date military men because they're ok with only having a girlfriend for a couple months and i tell them in advance i won't wait for them... i don't know what else to do to limit the damage i inflict on others just as a result of them knowing me, short of moving to the mountains... but i still move between 2-5 times a year :( it's kindof hard walking around knowing i'll never have what i see making other people so happy and running when i can tell someone is getting close just because i don't want to hurt them more later down the road... i'd like it alot to settle down, i WANT to be able to feel more with people, but it's hard to miss what you never had. i want what i THINK it would feel like... it'd be easy to give in and let someone stay because i'm so lonely... but hey, i've written enough, just know i try to be a responsible little sociopath, i won't ever get married or have kids, i practice safe sex, i won't stay in one city for long... everything you all take for granted i will never let myself have just because i WANT to take it for granted. being like this won't go away so hopefully i can limit the amount of hate thrown my way by limiting my interaction with people, i don't know what else to do. and you all might not belive this, but i am sorry, hopefully i can speak for the other people who have damaged your lives.