Is it a good idea to have another baby when you already have a child with special needs?

Answer 1

Such a hard question, and all the harder because only you can truly answer it. I realize the temptation might be there to have a baby that you hope will be "normal." But what if he is born without any special needs...are you going to resist the temptation to spend more time with your "normal" child and neglect the one we already know demands most of your attention? What if your second baby has the same issues as the first? Some afflictions are such that it is an almost mathematical certainty that if one child has it, a second one will. In some cases, it might be that your first child has a very rare condition that it is almost mathematically certain that the second one will be fine. But I have a brother and sister who both have the same rare disease, yet the odds were given at thousands to one, yet it happened. I have no idea what it really must be like to be in your situation. My son has some issues and has had problems with depression which it seems he inherited from me. But, even as a baby he did not really need the kind of attention that I think you are talking about. It's certainly too big a decision to be left to anyone on a chatroom. I assume, perhaps incorrectly, that you have a husband, so you would have to talk it over with him first and foremost. I don't see you making a unilateral decision over this then "forgetting" to take your birth control pills or poking holes in condoms. If there is a religious aspect to your life, you might want to talk it over with your religious leader of whatever faith.

If you truly held my feet to a fire and forced me to give an opinion based on my humanity and parental experience, I would say not to have any more children, especially if there is a serious risk that he will have the same condition as the first. I don't know if nature has the right to ask a normal mortal like you to deal with such a situation.

It's asking a lot to deal with one special needs baby. If you ever ask, why me? I think you are perfectly entitled. If you feel that the special needs baby is more than you feel you can or should be asked to deal with; that life has played some sick joke on you and essentially yanked any life of your own away, then I am sure you could find an adoption agency that has a couple who would be able to take even the neediest baby and treat it as some kind of challenge from Heaven. Then, if your doctors said the chances of having a normal baby were about the same as any other couple's, there is nothing to stop you trying again. This might sound harsh and mean, but I don't intend it to be. Some people are never cut out to deal with the demands of a child whose demands are unlikely to stop when he stops being a "child." I don't think anyone who is not a hypocrite would blame you if you looked at it from your own perspective and how having this child is going to impact the rest of your life, and after you are dead, in all probability.

The decision must be yours and those around you, but I think you would be doing yourself a disservice if you did not include the possibility of the special needs baby going to a couple better suited to deal with it. You might be 19 years old with a lifetime ahead of you for which you had certain plans, and I think you have a perfect right to consider every angle, even the ones that might make certain people cross the street when they see you coming. I am not trying to answer for you, but my own personal answer to the question should you add a second baby to a family that is already dealing with one special one is no. Good luck, in all your life. And be courageous.