Could an abuser abandon a long-term friend overnight?

Answer 1

He is very likely to call you again if he fails to secure alternative sources of narcissistic supply.

May I ask a follow-up question? If he is a narcissist, is it likely or unlikely that he will stick to his word, and never contact me again. Also, has anyone else experienced such a total overnight rejection? It seems to make a mockery of our whole relationship.

This behavior is typical of narcissists. After a period of idealization and over-valuation, they "lose interest" (often threatened by looming intimacy), discard and devalue their former mates, partners, or spouses.

If he does try to contact you again, be polite but say you are no longer interested in pursuing the friendship. Most people feel upset when a friendship breaks up, that he didn't express any regrets is rather strange.

If you've dealt with this type of personality as long as I have, you'd find the anserw to that question to be yes, there is always a motive for your presence in the abusers life you serve a purpose, they need you for some reason, and once that has been dealt with or you are of no help to them, overnight, you could be abandoned, if you are anything like me, fed up, (and found the courage to truly walk away)you'd tell them about themselves,(no matter how much it hurts) tell them to leave you alone, to stay away from you, don't give them any compliments (to try and soften the blow) let them have it, mean it, and walk away. These people have egos, you won't believe, they probably wouldn't believe you, and that's okay you can show them better than you can tell them, so do it, Dump them, it may hurt, but it's the best thing you can do for yourself, because an abuser doesn't care.

I broke up with my abuser today. Prior to meeting him I was in a lot of pain. I was abused by an boyfriend-I was in love with him and he cheated on me with the mother of his child and had another child while we were together. Three months after that I met a man that phycially abused me, he went into a rage. He began to slap me, punch me and then pulled out a knife and threaten to kill me. That's a long story, I pressed charges and nothing really happen to him. that was a horrible experience. Then 7 months later I met another man...He had nothing when I met him therefore, I thought he was safe. But of course I fell in love with this man..I helped him in every aspect of his life..we moved in together. I just know that he would love me, just for all the things I did for him. Just recently he got a job. Before he got the job he barrowed my car and it broke down. He promised to get it fixed when he got his first paycheck. He was expected to get paid Friday, he claims that his check got lost in the mail and he does not have a check. I began to feel used and i felt like a victim again. This man most have recognized my weakness and used it to his advantage. I contacted him today and asked him to pack his things and leave..I'm hurting right now..but when I asked him to leave, the only thing he said was okay, as if he really doesn't care and never did. I feel like he asked me to leave, I feel abandon. Wish me luck with my new life.

Yes, they will abandon you very quickly and it is most likely you will never hear from them again. I find they either abandon you like garbage or cling until you think you are going to go crazy...You must be sad but really, it's a good thing. You must mourn the whole thing, read up on different articles about the subject and realize what is was for what it was....You were only a "fix". Don't beat yourself up over it though. I was once dumped like garbage and was hurt by the whole thing but I am happy now because I realised how badly he influenced me, made sure I had no friends and treated me very badly at the end. Take this time for yourself and enjoy the fact he is no longer in your life!!!! good luck! MM

Well, I stood up to my abusive narssistic friend (this is the most recent one). I set up limits and followed Dr. Sam Vaknin's advice....The situation was really crazy....It was really hard and hurtful. Basically, all I was doing was listening to her talk about herself and ask me for stuff or favors....I said "no" to the last two favors she wanted from me because I decided I couldn't be there night and day to serve her. Well, she pretty much disapeared after that. I am really hurt but releived also. I feel used and sort of worthless. Although I've been here before, I can't help but feel empty even though when I'd see her, I had nothing but pity and contempt (she is really horrible). It's incredible how someone can suck you dry and still, you feel bad for telling them you do not want to be their friend anymore. Then again, seeing the way she acted after I said "no"...I guess I didn't really matter to her apart from the fix I provided her with. I will not hear from her for a while most likely because she had another friend to get her fix from who is much younger and more naive than I am. I feel bad for her.

Sorry If I'm ranting here but I need to.

I had a girlfriend who would tell me we were just friends, and not in a relationship, then come over to my place, sleep with me, then get up and leave in the middle of the night saying it didn't mean anything, even though she knew I loved her dearly. She would always tell me I was not to tell my friends that she had even been there.

She would never want to be with me until she needed something, or had nothing better to do. If I was at her home, and one of her friends called to say they were coming over, she would make me leave, I thought she was ashamed of me.

She was a single mum with two wonderful children who I was also so attached to, and they loved me, and would tell me so. After short periods of not contacting me, she would get them to call me to say hello, just to have an excuse to speak to me, telling me "oh they pestered me to call you"

I bailed her out when see got in money difficulties, and often spent all I had on the her children.

Whenever I went over to her home and would do odd jobs like painting the Children's bedroom's etc., she would be fine and all loving whilst I was doing the work, then as soon as I was finished, she would tell me that she could never have me living there with them, because I was so Big and Clumsy, I use to leave distraught.

She would say some horrendous things, like she was pleased that she had her very beautiful children with their estranged father, because I wouldn't have very attractive kids.

Of course I was often so sad, and she would tell me that their was something wrong with me and I needed help.

Eventually right out of the blue she told me she didn't want to see me anymore, and cut me off without no contact, A mutual friend later told me she had meet someone else, and had been seeing him for a short while behind my back.

Why I stuck it I will never know. But I mourned the loss badly, especially the Kids.

But, to your point of do they come back, well she did two and half years later.

One evening my door bell went and their stood the two little faces I had missed so much, She said "we were passing and they wanted to say hello."

Like a fool I let her in, it turned out some other man had been giving her the run around and had ended their relationship and she was feeling really low.

She had just returned to my place to give the old punch bag a good kick.

She hung around for about 2 months, and played the same games, then suddenly disappeared again, I haven't seen her since

I had to grieve the loss of those Children all over again !

Six years on, I am well into my forties, still single and have never really recovered from it, and doubt I ever will.

In my experience, YES, an abuser can easily abandon you overnight. My ex had plenty cooking on the back burner, so dumping me was no problem. It's not as if he'd actually be alone if he erased me from his life. He was already seeing a host of other women. The fact that we were together for the better (or worse, I should say) part of 3 years, seems to carry no weight whatsoever in his ability to completely abandon me, for no legitimate reason. This man is the worst type of abuser I have ever dealt with, and I've been abused in every way imaginable. He wears a very convincing mask, that makes him appear as a good man, with morals, ethics and values; so much so that despite blatant lies and other signs of abuse, I found myself saying, "No way. This can't be possible." And I began making excuses for him. "He must be really stressed out." Yes, it must be difficult to keep up with so many women! I still wake up feeling the awful pain of emotional abuse. So many times, I resorted to going back to him, just to relieve some of the pain, even though I knew I'd regret it. He is never going to change. He's just going to continually keep changing victims. I am working to be strong, one day at a time, knowing that if I do, this too shall pass, and I will, in time, once again experience the joy of peace of mind, and the absence of an abuser in my life. Let's all be strong, one day, one moment, and one heartbeat ata time.

I've just been through the same experience as you did 6 months ago. He claimed to be a close friend/lover but had never shown any respect for my feeling. When I confronted him for treating me shabbily, he did not reply and did not apologize. I didn't really know the meaning of "Narcissism" until my therapist told me that my friend is a narcissist (when I related to her what happened). Although it's extremely painful, I guess the other readers are right that we should be glad they're out of the scene. Thanks again for sharing.

I had the exact same thing happen to me a couple months ago. I was (am) going through the worst year of my life, and in the last few months one of the hardest times of my life and I asked for a little extra attention from a friend I'd known since childhood who was supposedly very close. I was mad because he hadn't emailed or called for two weeks and when he finally did it was just to tell me all the wonderful things he was doing, not even a 'how are you coping?' When I emailed back that I had to withdraw for awhile from him to get my thoughts straight about him and everything I've been through he emailed back with nothing but 'goodbye, don't contact me again.' No explanation, no expression of sadness of ending a friendship of 15 years, nothing. I am dumbfounded that someone could treat a person they supposedly cared about like that. I feel like our relationship has been thrown out like yesterday's trash. I feel betrayed too. I guess I cut off his 'supply' and he got angry. He also didn't care if he dumped me because he's getting ego boosts from the other people around him. I am glad I found this site and responses...I am now realizing it wasn't my fault and I'm better off without a person like that in my life, and I can go on and heal.

my abuser of two and a half years after i left him, i found out during which time he was still contacting me saying he was sorry and would i meet up with him again, had joined a dating agency (9 days after i told him to leave) this was a shared link on my computer, he firstly denied it was him, then given the evidence, personal profile details, his photo on the site! he admitted it, saying " he only did it to get me back" he met a girl on the site, unaware to me as he was still txting me saying how sorry he was and that he had made a mistake and hoped that i was happy, had i met anyone else. his girlfriend contacted me, he had given her my number, thinking she wouldn't contact me, he had done this to me when i thought he was cheating on me, yet i didnt call. he had got engaged to her 3 weeks after meeting her, wanting to put his name on her morgage. she has now left him, he is still on the dating site, moral of the story, they don't care about who they are with or how they treat them, only that they can control, manipulated, lie and take over the person that they are with. they have no remorse or care for the way they have treated the other person in the past. once that person leaves them, they are in search for their next victim to abuse

Yes, your abuser can and most likely will abandon you overnight. I dated a man for almost 2 years and when I finally put my foot down to him and stated my feelings about our so-called relationship, he was GONE GONE GONE. He knew he couldn't fool me or manipulate me anymore. That was nine months ago. Just to show you how big an abuser's ego can be, this guy started dating a much younger woman who lives in my neighborhood and is now living with her in her house...eewww....so I see him all the time. I first started noticing him in my neighborhood a few weeks after I kicked his ass to the curb and I feel he was stalking me. I also saw him driving by my house. Now that this other woman is in the picture, he has an excuse to be here. I did call him after about 3 months of the stalking to confront him but he did not return my call...hmmmm...he knew why I was calling and he knew I was going to confront him about what he was doing.

I recently ran into a friend of his who was trying to find out why we broke up (this guy is also good friends w/the new girlfriend) and he was asking about my new boyfriend....hmmmmm...these guys WILL NOT let go of you if they feel they still have control and can get some form of attention from you. I feel sorry for his current victim. She has no clue what she is dealing with....I figure she will find out about me eventually and figure out I was the reason for him hanging around so much when she met him. I envision this woman showing up on my doorstep in tears. She has no idea how fake and manipulative this guy is. Wonder what bill of goods he sold her for her to allow him to move into her house. I bought my house a year after we met and never asked him to move in with me because I knew something wasn't right with this guy. He always said he was going to buy his own house and now he is living w/another woman in her home....eewww...and how these people LIE LIE LIE. Even his sister told me he as a habitual liar, something I kinda already knew but could not prove because I am not the type of woman to chase/checkup on men. But my intuition told me that he was a liar and telling me half-trues, which is the same as lying. Be glad this person abandons you overnight. I know it hurts, but once you begin the healing process, you will smile again and realize just how fake and shallow these people are...who needs friends like that?? They are emotional cripples and required more attention than my 5 year old son.

Recovery from these people is not easy because so much of it does not make sense. YOU ARE THE NORMAL PERSON WHO WILL RECOVER AND OPEN YOUR HEART AGAIN TO THE RIGHT PERSON. It is the normal people in these relationships that hurt because WE HAVE FEELINGS and we invest our feelings into our relationships. It is sorta like recovering for two people when you break it off because you are the one who was emotionally invested in the relationship and they project their stuff onto you throughout the relationship, which is why it is like recovering for two people. But, you WILL RECOVER and I have learned to laugh at these types of people, you know the fake people.

A true story: A woman met the man of her dreams. They had common interests and were mutually affectionate--he was very demonstrative--being with him was bliss for her. Also, a plus: he told her she was beautiful, that he desired her, was crazy about her. He would often say "I miss you, want you, got to have you." Most important, wanted to love her forever. "Let's keep on Surfing, honey. No matter what waves hit. Please love me forever. Never leave me." A traveling salesman by profession, his words flowed like honey and his moves were swift. He swept her off both feet and into the sky. He often said "I'm your man."

They played music together. True, their jam sessions always seemed to be about his music (as though he was auditioning her as backup singer) but she tolerated this; he played his guitar beautifully and sang soulfully (often songs about himself)--oh, and could the man dance. She had not had many loves in her life, but enough to realize that this was her greatest. With his incredible memory for every little thing she told him, she felt truly loved, and she loved with all her heart in return.

The only problem was that in between the times he saw her, he didn't contact her very often; he said he was too busy. Once she overheard him say to a female client, "I'm your man." It made her blood run a little cold, but she ignored that sign. Also once, after a particularly romantic evening, he wrote a note in the morning saying "Thank you for your attention." It seemed oddly impersonal but she shrugged it off.

Finally, after over a year of seeing him nearly every week (whenever he was in town), having fallen in love very deeply, and feeling that she missed him greatly when he wasn't in contact for days at a time, she gave a ultimatum: she told him she wanted either more contact between meetings, or she would not continue to meet with him.

Instead of talking it out, protesting, negotiating, reacting, responding, anything, he just jumped off the phone, saying he had a business meeting. He never called back. Weeks went by. She couldn't believe it. This was a man who said he would die if she ever left him (yes, he actually said that once); he loved her so, he had said--her beauty, her sweetness, her talent. ("You look like Mia Farrow...You're the little girl I never had...You have a 17-year old body [she was much older than 17 and so was he]!! You're such a poetess...") Oh she had eaten all of it up like a starved wolf. And now she felt alone...His words echoed in her mind as she coped with his unending silence. He loved her, didn't he? The suddenness of the abandonment cast her into great sadness. Maybe he was angry, she thought. She called from a pay phone (fearing rejection if she called his phone from hers). He wasn't mad at all. Just busy. He told her all the things he was doing. Ending the conversation, he said "I love you."

The hopeful woman waited for an email or call the next day. Nothing. And the next day. Nothing. And the next...After several weeks of agony (crying every night and, worse, every morning)and a few unanswered emails trying to explain her feelings and suggesting a meeting for closure, she finally swallowed her pride and sent him a heartfelt poem/painting via email to let him know that she missed him.

He wrote back. It was the first communication on his part for nearly two months. But her heart fell when she opened his email. He was just writing to find out something he wanted to know--a very mundane selfish question (too embarrassing to relate).

Oh, update -- a few weeks later, he wrote to say, "I am on vacation at poolside, and can finally give you the attention you deserve. I feel your anger. Yes, when things don't work out there's sadness, and then anger, but just wasn't going to work out. We're just too busy. I hope you have a long and healthy life. Maybe we will meet again." Given the previous silence, the tone was clearly condescending; the emotions plastic. She finally realized: HE WAS A NARCISSIST!

His obsession with self had trampled out the vintage where the grapes of their love were stored. It was like the song "Taste of Honey" where the taste at first is "sweeter than wine" and, in the end, "more bitter than wine."

The woman is still recovering from the experience. Her only consolation seems to be in telling this sad tale to anyone who will listen. She is grateful for each and every posting so far on this thread. I think you can guess who the woman is.....C'est moi. Thanks, everybody.

I could have written that same post too! I just wanted to sob as I read your words, they hit so close to home. It hurts so deeply, and to think that there are other men out there using those same lines!

I know that he was easily able to leave when I just got upset because he cried about his ex-gf. I tried to talk to him after that but he refused. he told me that he was talking to other woman. He told me that I was not the type of woman he could see getting married to. He could get any woman he want. He totally abandoned me and now says he does not even know me. My heart just breaks:(...

Yes, the person I used to know certainly did. In the beginning of the relationship I was simply the "most amazing and the best" in his eyes. He was very pushy being in a relationship with me. I was flattered, yet there was a sense inside that this was not right. He would not leave me be. I felt suffocated. He kept coming over, wanting to spend more and more time together. He adored me, yet made me feel like I needed his help and he needed to get my life in order for me. Like I was flawed. Yet he praised me all the time, but then 2 minutes later I was criticized. When we met he wanted sex all the time, 2-3 times a day.

When we moved in together he lost interest in any sex. I was baffled by this. he refused to discuss it. He said that sex was over-rated. He was into disability fetish and porn. His criticism became more and more frequent. He also denied things that happened or changed events in the past to make me look foolish. He kept tabs on what I did or ate. When he came home he would go through the trash and check the caller id to see what I have been up to. The funny thing is that he never yelled or raged at me directly or hurt me physically.

He corrected the way I talked and dressed, he took over all decisions about the house. He did all these "favors" all the time and felt if pissed because I was not grateful or appreciative enough. Even though I never asked for those favors. He was angry that I did not say "i love you" as often as he wanted me to say it (which is about 20x a day). At this point I felt so eroded and numb that even saying it once felt like a lie. He loved giving me backhanded compliments. Those were his favorites.

I became sort of imploded within myself. I was questioning my sanity and memory and started feeling like i have become the person that he was describing and criticising as.

He had exhibited real odd (red-flag) behavior too, such as peeing in soda bottles and storing it allover the place, he was into weapons and serial killers, weird fetishes. He drank a lot and smoked lot of pot and cigarettes. He was always trying to get me high with him.

He became more and more absent (busy with work). He made me wait for him all the time, sometimes hours. If I would have done that, he would have a fit. I was always to be available. Yet he made fun of me for dropping my hobbies and not have any interests or friends. I used to have many friends before meeting him. According to him everyone was a mental midget or a clown, except him or a few "chosen ones" by him.

He bad-mouthed his mother, made fun of the fact that she was bulimic. He mocked his whole family, yet he told me that I was rude to his family. He hated my family.

I begged him to go to counseling with me or alone. I was in counseling already. I tried so many times telling him that there were huge problems in our relationship and we needed to talk about them. he would just said he had no problems and walk out of the room. He said he did not want to "fight with me".

One day I had enough. On our 8th year anniversary he told me he would be home by 8 or 9pm. He did not show at 10, 12am then it was 2. At 3am he showed up with a half naked, giggling girl, a student of his. He wanted her to sleep at our house. I felt rage and I could hardly get any words out. I was stunned at the situation. Even though I objected, the girl slept there and he served her coffee in the morning. I questioned him in the morning and he just shrugged his shoulder. Then he brought me flowers after work. Then he broke up with me. No contact ever since. Except he sent me a strange b-day card a year later.

Later I found out that he was "dating" the person he married later, 1.5 years before he broke up with me.

Yes he could!!! so DO NOT ver trust any friend yoh have. doesnt matter how many years yal have been friends. i cant trust mine and never will be able to trust her.

The only thing you can trust is the voice inside. It's the initial intuition about a person being wrong. Trust that voice without the rationalization.

Yes your friend will be back it's a control. That's what abuises do try to control every little bit in their world and the people around them. Repect is a word that they do not understand although they can define repect, They will twist your words into their ideas to make it seem like it's your thought (control).