How can you protect yourself and your belongings from mental and physical harm while living under the same roof as the abuser until you are finally able to escape?

Answer 1

You can't share premises with a physically violent abuser (batterer) and avoid harm altogether.

You can either confront him (usually involving the police and the courts), succumb to his demands (short term, inefficient, and counterproductive solution), or contract with him (which works intermittently).

Get items that cannot be replaced (photos, heirlooms, cherished Christmas ornaments, anything with sentimental value) out of the house and into either a storage unit or a friend or relative's house. This will take away much of the emotional involved in N's threats to destroy these items and help you focus on YOU and your own safety during confrontation. Keep a cell phone charged and on your person at all times when home with the N. Get a voice activated mini-recorder. Use it when N rages, and at least let N see that you have it. Mention (lie if you have to) that the last time he threatened to "[repeat some threat N made to harm you]" you got it on tape and will not hesitate to call the police and have him removed from the house should he get out of line.

The answers to this question vary as much as the degrees of the abuser's feeling of safety in doing harm or the depth of his fear. I am presently involved in this situation. Mr.B.'s fear is that society will learn he is not the man he portrays himself to be in the public eye. While I was submissive and tried for years to explain the effect his behavior had on me, now, I'm verbally combative any time he attempts to get my attention. I try to keep him confused and off-balance. He doesn't know the "safe" approach. He is confused about this new person and he fears that I'll focus the public eye on the reasons for my exit. Where I contributed to his N supply before, today I focus on diminishing his power in exactly the opposite way, in order to make the experience so totally in contrasting opposition to my normal behavior, that he has become very wary of what I might say next...or to whom. He's in unfamiliar territory. He suspects I may be capable of emulating his behavior back at him. As long as he is confused and unsure of his own safety, my bluff keeps him away from me. It's a downhome bluffing remedy. Baffle them and keep them off guard until you get out the door. Intimate exposure of their true self without directly stating a threat...which would foster competition and a real battle. I am challenging his bravado and depending on his real cowardice to get me through the next few weeks. So far, it's working to my advantage.