Can an abusive person change and be trusted by the person they abused?

Answer 1

Yes, you can trust after being abused. Just not the abuser. Forgiving them sets you free, but never forget. You have to set boundaries for yourself, perhaps relearning ones that are reasonable. Among other things, people you can trust will reciprocate in kind behavior, will not take advantage of you or manipulate your best intentions, will listen and respond to your needs and so on. Their actions will reflect their integrity. To have a close relationship with anyone, you have to let the guard down judiciously, and trust them. I think many of us did not get the emotional education we needed to learn this. For millions of years nature embedded in us the notion that the past can teach us a lot about the future. This is very useful for survival. And it is also mostly true with inanimate objects. With humans the story is somewhat different: it is reasonable to learn from someone's past behaviour about his future behaviour (even though this proves erroneous some of the time). But it is mistaken to learn from someone's behaviour about other people's. Actually, most psychotherapy is nothing but the attempt to disentangle past from present, to teach the patient that the past is no more and has no reign over him anymore, unless the patient lets it. Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love. We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, our army not to go mad and shoot us all, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, the feeling is that a part of us dies, is hollowed out. Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours - but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. These people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust. So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling: not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust - like knives - can be dangerous to your health if used improperly. You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of a functioning trust. People often disappoint and are not worthy of trust. Some people act arbitrarily, treacherously and viciously, or, worse, offhandedly. You have to select the targets of your trust carefully. He who has the most common interests with you, who is investing in you for the long haul, who is incapable of breaching trust ("a good person"), who doesn't have much to gain from betraying you - is not likely to mislead you. These people you can trust. You should not trust indiscriminately. No one is completely trustworthy in all fields. Most often our disappointments stem from our inability to separate one area of life from another. A person could be sexually loyal - but utterly dangerous when it comes to money (for instance, a gambler). Or a good, reliable father - but a womaniser. You can trust someone to carry out some types of activities - but not others, because they are more complicated, more boring, or do not appeal to his conscience. We should not trust with reservations - this is the kind of "trust" that is common in business and among criminals and its source is rational. Game Theory in mathematics deals with questions of calculated trust. We should trust wholeheartedly but know who to entrust with what. Then we will be rarely disappointed. (continued) As opposed to popular opinion, trust must be put to the test, lest it goes stale and staid. We are all somewhat paranoid. The world around us is so complex, so inexplicable, so overwhelming - that we find refuge in the invention of superior forces. Some forces are benign (God) - some arbitrarily conspiratorial in nature. There must be an explanation, we feel, to all these amazing coincidences, to our existence, to events around us. This tendency to introduce external powers and ulterior motives permeates human relations, as well. We gradually grow suspicious, inadvertently hunt for clues of infidelity or worse, masochistically relieved, even happy when we find some. The more often we successfully test the trust established, the stronger our pattern-prone brain embraces it. Constantly in a precarious balance, our brain needs and devours reinforcements. Such testing should not be explicit - it should be deduced from circumstances. Your husband could easily have had a mistress or your partner could easily have stolen your money - and, behold, they haven't. They passed the test. Trust is based on the ability to predict the future. It is not so much the act of betrayal that we react to - as it is the feeling that the very foundations of our world are crumbling, that it is no longer safe because it is no longer predictable. These are the throes of death of one theory - and the birth of another, as yet untested. Here is another important lesson: whatever the act of betrayal (with the exception of grave criminal corporeal acts) - it is frequently limited, confined, negligible. Naturally, we tend to exaggerate the importance of the event. This serves a double purpose: indirectly it aggrandises us. If we a "worthy" of such an unprecedented, unheard of, major betrayal - we must be worth while. The magnitude of the betrayal reflects on us and re-establishes the fragile balance of powers between us and the universe. The second purpose is simply to gain sympathy and empathy - mainly from ourselves, but also from others. Catastrophes are a dozen a dime and in today's world it is difficult to provoke anyone to regard your personal disaster as anything exceptional. Amplifying the event has, therefore, some very utilitarian purposes. But, finally, the emotional lie is poisons his mental circulation of the liar. Re-proportioning, reordering and putting the event in perspective will go a long way towards the commencement of a healing process. No betrayal stamps the world irreversibly or eliminates other possibilities, opportunities, chances and people. Time goes on, people meet and part, lovers quarrel and make love, dear ones live and die. It is the very essence of time that it erodes us all to the finest dust. Our only weapon - however crude and maybe unwise - against this unstoppable process is to trust each other.

Answer 2

You earn trust by keeping your word. You earn trust by NOT lying. You earn trust by not participating in situations that leave you open to an accusation. An example would be you don't hang out with other women without her, go to strip clubs etc. You earn trust by letting the person know how special they are to you. You do all of this because it is in your heart to do it, not because you have some goal and you are on your "best behavior" until you get her to marry you etc. You earn trust because you are a genuine trustworthy person, and any faking it will be very obvious......remember Eddie Haskall from Leave it to Beaver? If people don't trust you it is because they see something in you that is false. The change comes from inside---spiritually---and if you are just doing a few things to earn trust most likely you will revert back to the way you were once the objective has been met, thus making it quite appropriate for no one to trust you.

Here is more information:

• Our natural tendency is to trust, because we trust our parents. It feels good to really trust. It is also an essential component of love and an important test thereof. Love without trust is dependence masquerading as love.

• We must trust, it is almost biological. Most of the time, we do trust. We trust the universe to behave according to the laws of physics, soldiers not to go mad and shoot at us, our nearest and dearest not to betray us. When trust is broken, we feel as though a part of us dies, is hollowed out.

• Not to trust is abnormal and is the outcome of bitter or even traumatic life experiences. Mistrust or distrust are induced not by our own thoughts, nor by some device or machination of ours - but by life's sad circumstances. To continue not to trust is to reward the people who wronged us and made us distrustful in the first place. Those people have long abandoned us and yet they still have a great, malignant, influence on our lives. This is the irony of the lack of trust.

• So, some of us prefer not to experience this sinking feeling of trust violated. They choose not to trust and not to be disappointed. This is both a fallacy and a folly. Trusting releases enormous amounts of mental energy, which is better invested elsewhere. But trust - like knives - can be dangerous to your health if used improperly.

• You have to know WHO to trust, you have to learn HOW to trust and you have to know HOW to CONFIRM the existence of mutual, functional trust.

• I am a 26 year old woman. I began my life of abuse at 6 mo. old when my father put me in the hospital, it ended at 22 when a ambulance took me from my first husbands house. I spent my whole life angry and distrustful of everyone. I've never even made friends. Then I met my current husband and WOW. He reminds me how special I am to him alot, he does not hit me, he understands that sometimes I still get angry about my past. When I do get angry about my past and I start being a butt-hole he knows it is not about him and he reminds me it is over with now. He is supportive in my still active recovery from my abuse and does not throw in my face that I'm emotionally "different" because of the abuse. Chances are your girl will never be normal either the effects of abuse are long lasting and difficult for the abused to deal with. With time and a lot of patience she will grow to trust you but you have to remember she has been abused and will always carry the wounds.

• "How do you legitimately earn trust from someone who has been abused by another in the past and has problems trusting others?" Well, if you so concerned with getting a person to let their guard down and you come from the same school of thought that the abuse originated from in my case there will never be an opening for trust and I take great issue with why you seem overly concerned with that.

• Live and let live. And learn to mind your own business. The person has a right not to trust you after all you are an outsider and should know your place when dealing with a person and that is you have no right to expected to be trusted.

• Wow, some of you are quite harsh. I am speaking to you with a history of not being able to trust even the people in my life that were supposed to be the easiest people to trust... my family.... my mother, father and sisters... I've been abused by men throughout my life as well.... So here's my answer... Trust can be earned, it's a slow and painful process, but if you love whoever it is that you are trying to earn trust from... it will be worth it... just be patient... For me, it took a decade for that someone to earn trust... but it's there now... and it makes our bond so strong

• I agree that many of the answers were too harsh. A few caught the drift ... trust is earned! If you take a dog that has been constantly beaten what do you think you'll end up with! Either the dog will cower or he'll attack! That simple and it's called "survival instinct". It will take a special person (and outsider in this person's case) to help them trust yet once again. I've been a firm believer all my life that whether it's family, friends or your boyfriend or husband that if you give respect you should get it in return. NO ONE has the right to mistreat another! YOU ARE IN CONTROL! If I think I'm being treated with disrespect and it's family I let them know in a hurry that I'm not taking any of their lip (if there is no credence to their outburst) and if it's a friend I will discuss it with them and if they don't want to change and I constantly mistrust them then I just let them go. Each year I "shake the old apple tree" and see what rotten apples fall to the ground. That's a harsh reality! My expectations are not high at all and all I ask is the respect I give others, truth and honesty. If they can't deliver that then they have become one of those rotten apples laying on the ground!

• I do feel you need to start somewhere so it's OK to divorce your family by leaving and starting another life. Just because you were born into a family doesn't mean you have to be mistreated in any manner. If you've tried to communicate and settle any problems that may occur in the family between you and them and it isn't working it's OK to walk away. Many people do this. It's easier than you think to make friends. Go to a church, be a volunteer and consider that you're simply a kid in a candy shop. There you are surrounded by all nationalities, different personalities and YOU CAN CHOOSE who you want to have as a friend. Choose the people that are kind, loving, dedicated and you basically can't go wrong! Start having coffee with one or two of these new-found friends and slowly get to know them. It's time you learned to laugh again!

Answer 3

Not usually, that type of behavior is usually learned. As they say, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Many people who are abusive have a history of being abused, it is difficult if not impossible to undo that damage. Trust is earned, and this person has a long way to go to earn your trust.

Answer 4

This would depend on how important is the person who has hurt you. Trust is not something that can be made to work. It will come for the person just and when your heart eases out. I know trusting can be difficult but If you can forgive the person who has hurted you, then trusting would come over the time if the person is genuine enough.

Answer 5

well really my opinion is you cant really trust no one but you're self but if you trust this person before then you know you can trust and if your asking if you can trust someone you got to remember that you didnt lose the trust its the other persons lost because apparently they did something for you to not trust them no more.so really you have to wait for the other person to gain back the trust.

trust is like a mirror.

you can fix it if its broken but, you will ALWAYS see the crack in the reflection.

Answer 6

You let them show you that you can trust them again, but don't let your guard down. Make sure you are able to identify whether or not they are manipulating you.