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How does a narcissist cope with losing their narcissist mother?
Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse.
This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfilment of their dreams and frustrated wishes.
The child is taught to ignore reality and to occupy the parental fantastic space. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment.
The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality - empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it - are all lacking or missing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merit but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). In other words, he is not meritocratic - but aristocratic. In short: a narcissist is born.
The narcissist has a complicated relationship with his parents (mainly with his mother, but, at times, with his father). As Primary Objects, the narcissist's parents are often a source of frustration which leads to repressed or to self-directed aggression. They traumatise the narcissist during his infancy and childhood and thwart his healthy development well into his late adolescence. Often, they are narcissists themselves. Always, they behave capriciously, reward and punish the narcissist arbitrarily, abandon him or smother him with ill-regulated emotions. They instil in him a demanding, rigid, idealistic and sadistic Superego. Their voices continue to echo in him as an adult and to adjudicate, convict and punish him in a myriad ways.
Thus, in most important respects, the narcissist's parents never die. They live on to torment him, to persecute and prosecute him. Their criticism, verbal and other forms of abuse and berating live on long after their physical demise. Their objectification of the narcissist lasts longer than any corporeal reality. Naturally, the narcissist has a mixed reaction to the passing away of his parents. It is composed of elation and a sense of overwhelming freedom mixed with grief. The narcissist is attached to his parents in much the same way as a hostage gets "attached" to his captors (the Stockholm syndrome), the tormented to his tormentors, the prisoner to his wardens. When the bondage ceases or crumbles, the narcissist feels both lost and released, saddened and euphoric, empowered and drained.
Additionally, the narcissist's parents are Secondary Narcissistic Supply Sources (SNSSs). They fulfil the triple role of "accumulating" the narcissist's past, evidencing the narcissist's grand moments ("live history") and providing him with Narcissistic Supply on a regular and reliable basis (Regulation of Narcissistic Supply). Their death represents the loss of the best available Narcissistic Supply Source and, therefore, constitutes a devastating blow to the narcissist's mental composure.
But beneath these evident losses lies a more disturbing reality. The narcissist has unfinished business with his parents. All of us do - but his is more fundamental. Unresolved conflicts, traumas, fears and hurts seethe and the resulting pressure deforms the narcissist's personality. The death of his parents seals inability to come to terms with the very sources of his invalidity, with the very poisonous roots of his disorder. These are grave and disconcerting news, indeed. Moreover, the death of his parents virtually secures a continuation of the debate which rages between the narcissist's Superego and the other structures of his personality. Unable to contrast the ideal parents with the real (less than ideal) ones, unable to communicate with them, unable to defend himself, to accuse, to pity � the narcissist finds himself trapped in a time capsule, forever reliving his childhood and its injustice and abandonment, denied the closure he so craves and needs.
The narcissist needs his parents alive mostly in order to get back at them, to accuse and punish them for what they have done to him. This attempt at reciprocity ("settling the scores") represents to him justice and order, it introduces sense and logic into an otherwise totally confused landscape. It is a triumph of right over wrong, weak over strong, law and order over chaos and capriciousness. The demise of his parents is perceived by him to be a cosmic joke at his expense. He feels "stuck" for the rest of his life with the consequences of events and behaviour not of his own doing or fault. The villains evade responsibility by leaving the stage, ignoring the script and the director's (=the narcissist's) orders.
The narcissist goes through a final big cycle of helpless rage when his parents die. He then feels, once again, ashamed and guilty, worthy of condemnation and punishment (for being angry as well as elated at their death). It is when his parents pass away that the narcissist becomes a child again. And, as it was during the first time round, it is not a pleasant or savoury experience.
Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
(c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
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there is nothing you can do for her, accept that she is who she is and try and put as much distance between you both as you can, she will never change, she will never love… as a mother should love a child. you owe it to yourself to have as little as possible to do with her. i haven't spoken to my n mum for seven years now and my only regret is i didn't leave sooner. goodluck ---------- I haven't had contact for over 14 years with my family. It feels so much better without them. I don't feel guilty because it would destroyed my child and he was my main responsibility not them. I disagree however on 'she is what she is' . She chose to be what she is as well all make choices about ourselves. That's where it's getting painful. She chose to care more about her grief than the living ones around her, like me. I needed her truly in my youth, she chose to request my admiration and help for her. She could easily have gained my admiration but being around her was all the greatness I needed, I guess. She chose the cowardly and easy way, and that goes for most ( with severe) narcissists (traits) I've met. It's not a physical defect. ---------------------------
The best way to deal with a narcissistic mother-in-law is to "killher with kindness." This method works on most people, by the way.Be as nice and polite as you can possibly be… but don't engage hermore than you absolutely have to. Remain calm and don't feed intoher narcissism and neediness.
go online and GOOGLE "SAM VAKNIN",go to YOUTUbE and find SAM VAKNINheres my page > http://www.youtube.com/user/Josephjr4444?feature=mhum#p/f Education WILL set you free. The …misery WILL end, and you WILL be happy again. Start here!
somebody who has the following symptoms Reacting to criticism with anger, shame, or humiliation Taking advantage of others to reach own goals Exaggerating own import…ance, achievements, and talents Imagining unrealistic fantasies of success, beauty, power, intelligence, or romance Requiring constant attention and positive reinforcement from others Becoming jealous easily Lacking empathy and disregarding the feelings of others Being obsessed with self Pursuing mainly selfish goals Trouble keeping healthy relationships Becoming easily hurt and rejected Setting goals that are unrealistic Wanting "the best" of everything Appearing unemotional
Answer Before you run away from this situation try to get your mother to see a doctor. There are many reasons she could be acting in this way and here are some of them ….... Menopause (the change of life can happen from 35 on) Hormone levels will find this out. Diabetes (people who suffer from diabetes and don't know they have it can become moody and hard to get along with. Also blood tests will tell if diabetes is a factor.) Thyroid Disorders (Thyroid can either make a person lethargic or they can become hyper, hard to get along with and argumentative.) Adrenal Gland - The same as the above. Dementia/Alzheimer's - These diseases are one in the same with Dementia a milder form and can afflict people from their 40s up, but you really don't see the worst signs until they reach 55+ in most cases. Get your mother tested for this as well, but don't let her know about it. Heart Disease (having a stroke or a heart operation) can make the person moody and depressed with the feeling life just isn't worth living so they can alienate those around them. Depression - Depression strikes at any age and millions of Americans and Canadians (as well as other countries) can suffer this unbeknownst to them. Many people are walking around feeling like they have no life left, no energy and are argumentative to sedate and secretive. Hormones - This one is a biggy and strikes anyone at any age. Teenagers go through it (some have worse symptoms than others) and it can lead to depression and a person that is difficult to get along with. There is treatment for this. This is also done by a blood test. I am telling you the above because you are making a very difficult decision in your life and I know you are aware of this. Give your mother every benefit of the doubt by seeing her physician and getting tested for the above. How would you feel if your mother was truly ill and didn't realize herself that she was and you ended severing a relationship that could be saved? I was caregiver to my own mother and I started to notice small signs of her changing when she was around 65. I just thought she was lonely (a widow) and tried my best to help make her life more tolerant. No matter what I did she continued to take pot shots at me and I would often come home in tears. I began to question myself "is she worth this?" I also wasn't aware at this time about Dementia/Alzheimer's and thought my mother just didn't care for me anymore. My mother and I parted company because of her constant accusations towards me (from accusing me of stealing from her, entering her condo when she wasn't home and even meddling with her insulin.) It crushed my heart to think she could possibly think these things of me. My mother and I didn't talk for 12 years and every day of my life I felt this huge void in my life, but kept putting one step in front of the other and managed to keep going. Mother's Day had to be the worst for me because I couldn't reach out and tell her how much I loved her no matter how she treated me. I made an appointment with my doctor and discussed my mother's behavior with him. Thankfully, my mom and I had the same doctor and he did several tests on her and found out she'd been suffering from Dementia. He put her on medications and I am happy to say that the last 9 months of her life we did have a much better relationship. It was bitter sweet because she was so ill, but, I knew now that it was an illness that made my mother this way and nothing I did wrong. I was at peace! I hope you will reconsider your actions until you can get your mother in to the doctor. If she refuses then you will have no alternative but to move on. I certainly can sympathize with you. If you would like to discuss this further please ask Chris Whitten for my email address and I'd be happy to give you all the information I came up with. Good luck! From another perspective : ) As a women with 2 narcissistic parents I have chosen to go NC which stands for NO CONTACT. I do believe that it may be quite essential for some daughters to go that route in order to really heal from the life long suffering that these emotional vampires can drain you of. If you know your parent is a narcissist either by proxy or if they have been officially diagnosed it really only matters to you. Many daughters and son's decide that not having contact anymore is really most healing. Either for a small amount of time of permanently Depending on your feelings, it is really important to make this decision with your feelings being the most important because we already know your mother does not care about you..that is the condition of a narcissist. So know and understand that many people have and are in the same situation as you are and as terrible as it sounds, often this is the best way to really heal and overcome the legacy of hurt and abuse that never ends. Old age only makes it worse but any abuse is unacceptable and if you are thinking about not speaking to her again, I imagine you have already thought about this. Is the pain of dealing with her worth the contact? Do you get something from this relationship that is good that you would miss? If not, then it might not hurt to go no contact, at least for a while. If you feel free and are getting well then it might not need to be permanent though after having gone back into a relationship with my mother several times, I can say that she never got better, it only got worse and though I had forgiven her and forgot the hurts, it was always like a scab being picked at when I spoke to her. Not worth it!!! Do focus on finding love in your life, love yourself and then find family in your friends or with your own children and husband...focus on people who can actually love you back and take care of yourself emotionally Once you decide to go no contact......don't go back!! They will try to make you come back..they will have a " heart attack" or a medical condition that they must see you for or make you feel guilty for...remember this is their way of bringing you back in..you must be strong and stay focused on your journey to heal. Best of luck to you and there is a lot of resources on the Internet for this kind of subject.
Answer If you were raised by a narcissistic parent, then you've been taught that the narcissist is always right and you're the one who's wrong. A lifetime of such… mistreatment typically instills lack of confidence in your own judgment, along with habitual shame at never getting it right or being good enough to deserve the air that you breathe. The children of narcissists may not have realized that the quirks and oddities of their impossible-to-please parents are not in any way unique or special but are in fact the symptoms of a personality disorder. Compliments of: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/
Someone who worships him or her self. everything revols around you, everythign you do is for your own good and use Narcissism is the practice of displaying (among others);- gr…andiosity (superiority,) entitlement, competitiveness and envy, lack of empathy (understanding and considering others,) shallow affect (vague or superficial feelings and emotions,) Lack of insight or self-awareness (never considers that attitudes/behaviour may be unhealthy to self or others,) Poor impulse control (cannot resist urges especially destructive ones and especially when angry,) manipulative behaviour. When these behaviours go to extremes (and are displayed over a significat period of time) a medical diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) may be made. Many people may display some (or all) of these traits without having the disorder, on fact most of us display these from time to time. It is logical to say that the more of these traits displayed and the more frequently they are displayed then the more narcissitic that person may be.
I have been married to an narcissist for 11 years. You have remember that they are sick. a victim, and because of the abuse that receive early in life as a child they le…arned to shut off there pain by blocking it out. The results ending into unable to feel emotions and to look at love as pain. They need to always be right, don't question what they do. never try to controll them, never say a bad word about them.and yes they are girl watchers, they try to be mister stud. You have to keep in mind that this is there way to feel love that they missed. what ever you can do to make them feel superior.
Yes, depending on the group (social) dynamic. A narcissist's ego must be stroked. Your opinion is meaningless to them. If you feel they have value worth the cost, you will str…oke it. The behavior is destructive; keep a safe distance.
My narcissist mother never taught my brothers how to "leave the nest". Instead she smothered them emotionally and never allowed them to grow up and make it on their own.… Emotionally, I feel they were not strong enough to leave home. The result of this interaction is that my two brothers, "the boys" as she calls them, are still living at home at ages 35 and 40. They do not have girlfriends but both have a longing for a "family" of their own. As for me, I am the overachieving professional daughter with two masters degrees, a wonderful marriage and two children. I do not "fit in" with my family. I understand the dysfunction I came from and have not been through therapy. I limit my interactions with my mother, as they are always destructive and emotionally painful.
yes...it appeared to me that my narcissistic husband had and may I say continues to have a love/hate relationship with his mother even though she has passed. I t is the …crux, I think, of his psychological narcissistic problems, since I have learned from his family members as well as him that she was abusive and loving with her children, which, of course, sent a mixed (confusing) message to him as a child, which continues in his personality, as well. He was very loving to me, at times, but could turn on a dime and be very mean. I believe they fail to grow up and mature and separate themselves from their mothers and continue that relationship with her into their relationships with their wives, girlfriends. They are forever, the lonley, abused and confused little boy looking for their mothers in other women such as their wives or girlfriends. At least, this has been my experience with a narcissistic significant other. Hope this helps you and answers your question.
Because everyone blames the mother for the daughter's narcissism. It is always the mothers fault, don't you realize that? even if all our other children are fine somehow it is… our fault
First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted …to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the knowledge to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: . keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life . be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface . define some limits- by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it . avoid conflict . do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it . gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible . give practical support when and if they ask for it First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the knowledge to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: . keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life . be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface . define some limits- by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it . avoid conflict . do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it . gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible . give practical support when and if they ask for it First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the knowledge to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: . keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life . be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface . define some limits- by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it . avoid conflict . do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it . gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible . give practical support when and if they ask for it First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the knowledge to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: . keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life . be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface . define some limits- by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it . avoid conflict . do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it . gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible . give practical support when and if they ask for it
A narcissist (from character in the Greek mythology, Narcissus) is someone who seeks pleasure only for themselves.
You keep reminding her that you are her child after all. Tell her that you are updated version of her!
there is no point in responding. Just run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Answer It depends whether you need her in your life and if you can ma…nage the boundaries. For instance, living in another city would prevent daily drama, and you could visit for hours without having your life on hold. You may want to take this up with a therapist to make a life plan so that you can avoid the ups and downs that are part of this sort of family member.