What would you like to do?
Should you tell people about a narcissist's attempt to demean you?
Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser's weapon.
If all else fails, the abuser recruits friends, colleagues, mates, family members, the authorities, institutions, neighbours, the media, teachers - in short, third parties - to do his bidding. He uses them to cajole, coerce, threaten, stalk, offer, retreat, tempt, convince, harass, communicate and otherwise manipulate his target. He controls these unaware instruments exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done.
Another form of control by proxy is to engineer situations in which abuse is inflicted upon another person. Such carefully crafted scenarios of embarrassment and humiliation provoke social sanctions (condemnation, opprobrium, or even physical punishment) against the victim. Society, or a social group become the instruments of the abuser.
Often the abuser's proxies are unaware of their role. Expose him. Inform them. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused, and plain used by the abuser.
Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open. Nothing like sunshine to disinfest abuse.
Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited"
� 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications
I'm glad to know I did something right. I secretly married a guy who who made me promise to keep our marriage a secret because his daughter had emotional problems and said she could not cope with it. But when he ended up in the hospital for 4 days and didn't call me, I told her about our marriage and guess what? She was happy about it! So I couldn't figure out why he still wanted to keep us a secret. I found out he was supposedly seeing someone else and so I decided to put our wedding anniversary on cable TV! The worst part is that he told me he was only married once before us, but I found six of his divorces at the county courthouse! Once I exposed him, he immediately wanted a divorce. After I worshipped the ground he walked on for an entire year, he just threw me away. The sad thing is that he is a police officer and uses that position to manipulate women. I am suing the city for negligence because they are aware of his doings and facilitate his behavior. He falsified our marriage certificate as well. I have been telling my story all over town and the more I do, the more I hear awful things about his past. I'm so glad my friend told me about narcissism. I just learned of it today but it has helped a bunch already to help me understand that this was not my fault.
After many years, I decided to let the family know of 20 years of abuse from a sibling. They didn't believe me. They avoid me now and think i am just stirring up trouble. They are avoiding me. I am avoiding them. Peace at last.
The narcissist is already prepared and has stratedgy in place. They expect you to react to what they said or did and have an ambush waiting. Don't react. They are so confident in their ability to push buttons and get reactions, that even if you don't react, they still behave as though you did. Then they reveal the big liars that they are. After they get caught, they accuse you of setting them up. You say, "set up for what, what are you talking about, and how did I set you up?" They say, "you know" because they can't reveal it was them that was setting you up.
I do...but then again I didn't really have to. Mine is such an obvious controller that I was first warned by others before I began to speak out about the things they didn't know about. I suppose it's up to the individual whether they want to expose the N. It might be beneficial though for when things eventually get rocky.
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Change lanes as soon as possible
Opinion In the beginning, he is so considerate of you, and seems to understand you like no one else. He is very self assured, and this is what pulls you in. It makes… him insanely attractive. He doesn't get very upset for you when you are upset. He is shallow. You feel that there is something missing in your emotional bond. You feel that you can't crack his shell. He is not interested in doing mundane things that need to be done, like changing the oil, fixing the leaky sink, etc. He is above this kind of menial activity. Another thing that I notice is that he doesn't talk about childhood experiences. He does however tell of all of the mean people that did him wrong. He is eternally the victim. No matter how much pain you have experienced, his is always greater. When you fight about anything, he will accuse you of the very thing that he is guilty of. When he has done something really wrong to you, and you find out, instead of soothing you, he will just get angry at you. He may seem to ignore you for awhile, that is because he has found narcissistic supply somewhere else. This could be a woman, a co worker, a friend, anything to feed his ego. When that runs out, he will be back to you for more supply. These people are like aliens. They have trouble keeping jobs, because they can't get along with people who have a mind of their own and who are in charge. They cannot tolerate being an underling. They have no friendships that have lasted. They are irresponsible with bills.They will argue about the smallest thing forever. They lie about everything from what their Dad does for a living to denying their cheating. He thinks that every woman wants him, when in fact most are rolling their eyes at his ridiculous behavior. He works on himself not the relationship. Examples of this are going to a gym, taking extracurricular classes, playing an instrument. He will cry about things, but your tears mean nothing. They annoy him. If you are involved with one if these monsters it is said that they cannot change. I spent 14 years of my life dealing with this kind of relationship, and I am just now realizing how nice it would be to be with someone that cared about my feelings and helped in the relationship. I have finally lost the attraction to my narcissist. I read every thing I could about narcissism, and it all clicked. When you get the facts, it takes the mystery and attraction away, and you can smile again. Opinion All the narcissistic info pages online are very vague and every site has the same checklist. This is such a great question because the Narcissist Checklist and Traits don't cover ANY examples. Here are some: He'll get himself a sandwich or something from the fridge and not ask if you want anything. You both just went jogging and he'll grab a bottled water for himself. When it comes to Birthday and Christmas gifts, he's horrible at them! If he complains your computer chair is broken and doesn't like sitting in it when he comes over, you might find yourself getting a new chair as a gift! Cannot see the actual problem in an argument but only hears the words you say and uses them against you. Very, very hypocritical. Do as I say, not as I do mentality. Example (this is made up): Say he throws a very large rock at you. It bruises you, hurts you. Your dependent self forgives him. A few weeks later, you are the one in the wrong. You throw a tiny rock at him. It barely makes a mark and he makes a HUGE deal about it! Shows you the little pink mark on his skin, possibly breaks up with you or gives you the silent treatment. How could YOU do such a thing! You are horrible!! Never mind what HE did. You will be 'bringing up the past' or 'shifting the blame of what you did onto him' or 'trying to make him feel bad when you're in the wrong.' he cannot see that he did the same thing he's mad at you for! He's not careful with your belongings, your body or children! You might hear 'I'm sorry! It was an accident!' A LOT. Lots of accidents, because he just doesn't care about anything that isn't 'him'. Any small criticism is a huge deal! He'll argue about anything and everything and blame YOU for 'always arguing'. He is the type of guy who will come over to help you when you say you hurt your back and after rubbing it for a few minutes, want to have sex. Might even say 'Can you rub my back now?' He will forget anything and everything you do that is helpful or nice. Bend over backwards to make him his favorite dinner and it will be too cold, too hot, too spicy or he will have already eaten. Save your money to buy him something expensive he's always wanted and the first words might be "Did you get this on clearance? Someone give it to you?" or"I don't really like these that much anymore." They have bad credit and incur bills that they avoid, try to avoid or don't feel they should have to pay. Never co-sign on a loan with a Narcissist. Ever. They can't stand any minor inconvenience or discomfort. If they are hot, they will open the bedroom window. Cold? They will turn up the heat. In the same night!! Catch them in a lie or doing something they don't want you to know about? They will be SO angry at how you caught them and how you went about it and how you are so horrible for doing it. Talk is cheap and their actions will show they love you, if you are lucky enough to find one who knows how to love. They'll have no problem dropping $100 on themselves and then telling you that they are broke, can't take you out or only have $10 left. They won't remember your schedule or events in your life. Ask you out to lunch on a day you can't go. They will ask for suggestions on dates or weekend activities, turn all of them down and do what they want. Later, you will hear how they always decide and plan everything and you don't do anything! On the way to your house, he might pick up a milkshake (for himself) and walk into your house drinking it. He might even offer you some. How nice is he! Wow. Make sure to praise him for being so 'thoughtful'. If you're sick, hurt, injured, you'll find he is busy or doesn't come around as often. If he provides a skilled trade or service for a living, all his customers who come to him for his help/service are "Idiots" or not as smart as him. Eating a hamburger and fries? He will tell you how awful your eating habits are as he munches a health bar and then a week later, he's at the drive thru, getting 2 burgers, fries and a milkshake...for one. The song by Katy Perry 'Hot and Cold' is a great example of a narcissist too. They are Moody! By this point, you have gained weight since you met him, and he'll definitely notice and tell you. You'll be depressed and think you're crazy, possibly because he tells you that you are. When you try to break up, the withdrawal is so terrible that the only thing that makes you feel better is...when you get back together with him. Has NO boundaries or limits. If he gets to sleep-in the next day and you have to get up for work, he will keep you up late, wake you for sex in the middle of the night or won't care if you get to sleep. The core trait you will notice is how utterly selfish they are. Look how many times he uses 'I' in his online dating profile if that's how you met him. If he has a myspace or facebook account, look at how many photos are of him, compared to family, friends, events, activities. The BEST advice I ever read online regarding Narcissists and what to do if you're dating one? "Run away like your hair is on fire." I never forgot this. Swings from idealization to devaluation. While idealizing the partner, the N will be kind, gushing, obsequious, loving, attentive, happy, etc. When the N begins devaluing the partner, the N will simultaneously begin to idealize ANOTHER potential partner. While being kind, obsequious and loving toward the new idealized partner, the N will become cruel, deceitful and manipulative toward the now devalued partner. The N always begins new relationships before ending old ones. The N views the devalued partner as sub-human. Someone who not only deserves to be abused, but one that the N is entitled to abuse. You are a piece of property to an N when you are devalued and a gift from god when you are idealized. The N will be mentally cruel to the devalued. They will say awful, hurtful things that no one would ever believe they would say. They present one face to the victim (Mr. Hyde) and a completely different one to everyone else (Dr. Jekyll). If the N discovers they are on the verge of losing the devalued spouse and there is no immediate replacement for the spouse, they will change their behavior abruptly and PRETEND to idealize the spouse temporarily to keep them in the relationship. As soon as another potential replacement/victim comes along the N will brazenly devalue the spouse again and the abuse cycle starts all over again. The N is always looking for someone better. While being idealized you can expect gifts, breakfast in bed, any kind sex you could want, agreeableness in everything you do, encouragement, loyalty, nurturing and attention. When being devalued you can expect to be lied to, cheated on, stolen from, back-stabbed and manipulated. You cannot stop the cycle. It will happen again and again. There may be days or years between the idealization and devaluation, but it is inevitable.
What happens when you reveal a narcissist's secrets such as verbal abuse physical abuse suicide attempt and infidelity?
Answer Excellent problem question. If It was you that did this exposure then what would the narcissus person do. They is perfect so why would they do? If they ar…e actually imperfect and have a temper? that may be aproblem. *I can tell you from my own experience that they react with complete denial even in the face of irrefutable evidence, indignation, counter attacking by trying to push all your buttons to make you look crazy, and by creating the most elaborate lies you have ever heard...so insane they are almost believable because surely, NO ONE could make THAT kind of stuff up. Also, if all else fails...they will claim you were the abuser and they are the helpless victim. They will drag you, your children, your friends and anyone else in your life through the legal system for years and actually get away with it due to their charm and ability to manipulate others, including judges and anyone else they encounter. If you plan on doing this, prepare yourself and circle the wagons and always stay one step ahead. You have to start looking at things the way they do, that way you can pretty much predict their next move and head him off at the pass.
You need to call the police and give them all the information youcan, perhaps notify an adult family member of the abuser ifappropriate, and then accept that there is nothing …else you can do.The abuser needs professional help- he is not your responsibility.His attempts may not be real and he may be just trying tomanipulate you.
What happens if you show yourself completely indifferent to narcissist's obvious but not explicit attempts to hurt you?
Generally they will try different tactics, a mixture of new ones & old ones, & in the future they will still try to use the same failed tactic upon you in the hope that …their relentless bullying will pay off in the end. People with NPD's will find every angle they can to get what they want, even if you show complete indifference to such behaviour, they will attempt to gain your attention/reaction via your family, friends, neighbours and just about anybody else they can. Do not hesitate to record any incidents where you are under threat, and don't be afraid to call the police if your instincts tell you that a situation is out of hand.
Should you be cordial to a friend of your ex-narcissist if it is clear this person believes the narcissist's lies about you?
Answer I think you would be adding to your woes if you worry about this other person. If this acquaintance believes what the N is telling him/…her, then he is in the throes of the N, and is a source of Narcissistic Supply. Therefore, if you let it bother you, if you approach this person before they approach you, they will tell the N and then you will be in the vicious N circle of involvement again. Let it go. If this person actually approaches you, be truthful. Say something simple like, "I did the best I could and our relationship did not work out". Leave it at that and get on with the good things in life. Be strong. Peace, mbme just be neutral dont go out of your way to be nice. just be polite and neutral if situations necessitate contact of any kind. Dont bring his name up at all or discuss your personal life. I had a situation at work where the N was telling a coworker lies about me and basically had her hating my guts. We had our ins and outs. I just kept my distance. Then circumstances dictated i share close office quarters with her. By then he had done some things to piss her off, we learned to get along (co-worker and I) and she saw him for what he really is. All the hard feelings between the coworker and i evaporated. Now we have anew girl in the ofice with us that is frinds with him and we are working on how to handle it the best we can. IT really helps to have someone on your side that understands. If this person he turned against you has ANY common sense he/she will see the truth and come to resent him and might be your friend someday. Just give it time. C
to demean - to lower, abase
They lie some more....the N I'm married to will lie about the lie he lied to cover up the lie about the lie he lied....and then lie again... New answer-They say you are having… too much imagination and then they lie again explaining the other lies with new lies....mine told me i should go ahead and write a fiction book ....
Answer Ultimately, everyone can blame their problems on something and someone else. One person can blame their behavior on the fact that their parents were too protecti…ve and loving, resulting in a feeling that he/she was "smothered". Another person will blame everything on the fact that his parents were cold and sent him/her away to boarding school. Still another will feel that he/she didn't get anough attention because he/she had too many siblings. Still another will feel that he/she would have been far more "normal" if he/she had grown up with siblings. The simple fact is, nobody's parents were perfect. The result is, none of US are perfect. We all have an excuse if we want to use it; "I'm messed up because I was bottle fed." Perhaps it's time to just "Get over it." If we all suffered some form of abuse, then abuse is the norm. But let's face it, much of what some people claim is abuse is nothing more than an imperfect parent trying to do what he/she considers to be best. After we're raised, we have a responsibility to act like grown-ups. A narcissist never learned to grow up, or more accurately, never WANTED to grow up. They never take responsibility for their actions and as such blame everything on everyone else. Wouldn't it be great if we could all do that? But we're adults, we have learned, regardless of our own "dysfunctional" parents, to be responsible. Don't let a narcisist continue to be irresonsible. Yes, it's his/her fault. He/she is the one with the inappropriate behavior. He/she is the one who uses others. Once he/she is grown up, who would you SUGGEST that he blame? = Is this really accurate? = I have read the above comment and although I agree with the poster on principle, it would seem to suggest that narcissists may at some point have had a choice to change their behavior. This is of great interest to me since I have chosen to accept the "inevitability" that the narcissist in my life was simply incapable of being any different. (This is how I am able to cope with it!) Answer A narcissistic personality is a learned behavior so you can bet one or both of his/her parents were narcissistic and they grew up in that environment. I agree with the first poster and it's true, we could all blame something in our past for our behavior or failures, but the truth of the matter is we can change things if we want to bad enough. My father was an alcoholic and although my brother and I loved him a great deal he made our family life miserable. Not once did my brother and I blame our mistakes on our parents and, in fact, we learned from it and neither of us drink to excess. Answer All behavior is learned behavior to some extent. Even instinctive behavior is shaped by the observation of others so the particular form of expression it takes is learned. Narcissism is no different than any other personality trait that is externally expressed. Keep in mind that not everything that is labelled narcissism is really narcissism.
give 110% support and be sensitive.. but do not alienate them. give your friend a long talk about life and why it is important. but above all don't bother your friend and don'…t push your friend. it will only make things worse!
A demeaning sentence includes any writing that excludes, offends, or ignores any individual or group.
Answer Let's get realistic here. Narcissism is a condition that is called "the mental disorder of our time", meaning that it's as much a …learned response as a real illness. It's a condition that becomes evident when people are a little too wrapped up in their own life, they become obsessed with appearances, acquisitions, control and probably a degree of hedonism. To them, they are no different than anyone else. They don�t see that they do anything wrong when they admire themselves in a mirror. They think it�s normal to ignore the needs of those around them. Living to �excess� is not even perceived as a problem. It�s a condition that is exacerbated by an entertainment media that is FULL of hedonistic narcissists. They think that it�s normal because that�s the type of people that are around them every day, so that�s the type of people they portray in their TV mini-drama�s. Most written history was recorded to teach morals. Books, songs, poetry were typically about the higher aspirations of the human species. Shakespeare, when writing Othello, uses Iago as the villain who twists everything, making goodness look bad. Today�s media makes Iago, or at least those who are just like him, into the hero. Good literature has a moral message at it�s core. Today�s entertainment has no such morality and people are growing up to truly believe that living to excess is a virtue. So to answer your question, �What is a narcissist's day like?� He/she has no idea that his day is any different than anyone else�s day. He/she thinks his/her behavior is �normal� and anyone who acts differently is the one with the problem. answer The narcisssist probably spends most of his energy spinning his lies and maintaining a web of deceit around him. Much like a blood sucking spider would in order to entrap its prey to feed on. Answer The first poster was right on the nose! However, what most never cease to remember is we are all capable of becoming a little Narcissistic if we are honest with ourselves. Everything you do that makes you feel good or in control gives a person a sense of not only accomplishment but a rush. We all feel it! It's a matter of getting that balance right. The true Narcissist is more like what the second poster described in a colorful fashion and I don't blame them.
The bible says that it is to be in secret with the Lord.
Should you tell a narcissist's victim about who he really is in an anonymous fashion even if you are worried about his rage and revenge if he discovers someone is trying to unveil him?
Answer . I have the same question!!! So many things to consider. First of all, Ns are very charming and I'm sure he/she has already brainwashed their victim. I'm guessing e…ven if you come forward the victim will probably not believe you, at least at first. The narcisist has probably prepared him/herself for the potential exposure of his/her ill deeds. I truly understand your plight, however. I think you should try to warn the person if you feel it is the right thing to do but ONLY after careful deliberation and preparation. You must do this in a way that will put in you in the least vulnerable position possible. Try to be anonymous as you've said but make sure you have a restraining order or something to back you up. Keep away from the N. Any reaction to them will stroke their deluded ego. If the N comes after you anyway, do not show fear. This will drive them crazy. If after warning the victim they still don't believe you and the narcisist has it out for you, at least you will know that you did what you felt was right. Of course this all depends on how important that feeling is for your inner resolution and closure. It is easy to say these words to you but I know how hard this decision is. I am going through the same thing and it keeps me up at night. Hence why I'm on this site at 3:30am when i have to work tomorrow.. Answer. Hopefully, the new person will think to check in with the ex (you) and then you can be honest with them. The deal is, that the next person is not you and will take in the experience at their own pace. Stepping in to inform them will just reinforce what the N says about you and your message will be lost. Take care of yourself and be there if a call for help comes.
People are born equal, God made us equal, narrow minds and prejudice turn people against each other. Our government was based on equality for all, and yet this free country al…lowed slavery, humans owning other humans. It was a shameful time for America.
The government shouldn't try to influence the way people think. The government should present facts and allow people to vote how they feel.
How one reacts to the news you're suicidal varies from person to person, usually depending on how much they've been exposed to the idea of someone being suicidal. If this is n…ew to them -- just like anything else -- expect an emotional response. If they've encountered this conversation before, usually they'll be interested and will often offer to be helpful. Suicide is a shocking topic, and it takes some acclimation before one can discuss it calmly and rationally. So, I'd say there are two sorts of people you probably need to talk to. One group are the people who would be most effected by your suicidal ideation. This would include parents, loved ones. siblings, kids, etc. For this group, I'd say you have to first asses if this information CAN be conveyed. FOr instance, younger children -- no way -- they don't get it. With adults, think it over, then set aside time for an explanation. Prepare them beforehand -- let them know this isn't an easy conversation coming up. And if you can, involve them in the solution and the process. Be aware that some of the first responses may require you to be patient. And some will be surprisingly pleasant too -- usually. The other group are therapists. With them you don't need the careful preparation, but you're confronted with a different set of challenges. Just as all cars are not the same, neither are all mental health personnel. Talk to a few of them if you have the time. If one of them feels like they won't or can't listen to or hear you, move on to the next. There should be a connection with the therapist you talk to, and it's worth waiting for. If there isn't, your therapy may be less effective. If you're feeling suicidal, then you've taken the first step in addressing the situation by mentioning it here. Good start! I commend you, because I know this takes courage.