Why does a narcissist flirt and chase after other women when you are always there for him and givng him top quality NS 24 hours?

Answer 1

They are notoriously unfaithful. If he is truly an N, he has an insatiable desire for attention, affection, etc.. He is also fed by challenge. If you are there 24 hours - the challenge is gone. He feeds off the chase. The more difficult the chase, the bigger the payoff. This is why N's are known for going after those married or virgins. They love turning a "no" into a "yes". Then they ultimately discard because they "Do not want to be a part of a club that will accept them as a member.". The woman my ex-fiance' left to be with me (found out later about her - didn't know), was 100% sold on him. She was available 24x7. He said it depressed him. He said she required no change in him or challenge for him, and that just didn't work. The problem is - there is no "win" with an N. You are damned if you do, damned if you don't - because if you want to be with them (something to seriously re-think), the best way to capture their full attention (although I am not sure it is ever "full") is to 'not' be "won". But all relationships require a relinquishing of these games IF they are to last. At some point, being "won" should be the beginning of the relationship. With the N, it is the end. He is done (in one way or another) once he has conquered. With mine (actually diagnosed) - the more commitment, attention, time and devotion I gave, the worse he treated me. It was the strangest thing, because while he DEMANDED it - he resented it. All the while calling me "the absolute love of his life" (which I believe having spoken with his family, friends) yet treating me worse as time wore on. I understand the allure - believe me. Risk and danger can be intoxicating if that is how we were programmed in childhood. The problem is - it isn't sustainable. The question for you might be - why do you want to be with a man who, no matter how much love and devotion you give him, will be unfaithful - either in mind, body, and/or emotions? Another question I had to ask myself was, "What is it within me that I am allowing myself to be treated this way?". Asking a different set of questions could lead you to different answers - those that set you free. Best wishes & an end to troubles, Always Learning Reply for Always Learning thank you so much AL. I was involved with a N and I am trying to set free. it is horrible. we are both high functioning professionals. he is married, but the usual story, he said his marriage was bad and I got sucked in. He is diagnosed NPD by a psychiatrist. (I came to know this much later from the wife) He treated me like a queen for few months, once I slept with him and he knew I cared, he was off - the devaluation set in big time. He told me that sex was just based on lust and that he was just friends with me. I was devastated. He said he would like to go out with others. he is now going thru a divorce with his wife. He drools over women and praises them to the sky. He will soon find a new source - what I meant is once he finds this new source - and she will be giving him NS 24/7, then will he remain loyal to her or will he even dump her and search for more and cheat on her. or do you think the girl will dump him once she sees his true colors. He is not young - he is 57. Will every relationship with a N finally fail or be an unhappy one. will an N be unfaithful again with the new source and dump her like he dumped me. Thank you n. Answer= My N was pretty sure I was available 24/7.... and I guess I was. During our marriage he had sex with a few regular women but kept adding lots and lots of strange women to his "stable." He didn't intend to keep them all in the corral but he kept a lot of them. The ones he let go were always dismissed with cruelty and he found it funny when they left nasty notes on his vehicle or phoned to complain of the treatment they received. At least, he laughed at them all except the one that threatened to have him arrested for rape. ::sigh:: Now.... as far as the sex.... that also had a sadistic flavor. They were required to do as he said. He liked asking them to do certain things, have intercourse and allow him to raise their legs over his shoulders for instance, which could be painful. If they didn't comply he'd lose interest and refuse to continue, sometimes getting up to leave and sometimes letting them carry on some sexual activity they didn't mind performing...... but refusing to become aroused then leaving. Really icky. He especially loved to give them orders when they'd pull the... "But I'm not that kind of girl" line on him. He'd shove them toward the bathroom and tell them to take off their clothes and get back out there. Tell them to shut up and show him how much they liked big *dick..... that sort of thing. I'll tell ya this...... women who love bad boys would adore my soon to be N. He once told me..... and I quote "I can make p*ssy lay down" like that was as important as being an astronaut or curing cancer. He's sure he deserves all this attention from women.... and he's also sure they deserve the attention he gives them. It's not in him to question that truth. It's just part of him. With that said.... he's not above SAYING he's sorry for all this. He's even chatted up getting help for sexual addiction,which in my opinion he DOES NOT have. Sometimes I think the excitement is in part due to the high stakes of carrying on this way. In our current divorce situation.... he's bending all his energy on winning me back, now that it's too late. When he had me..... it was all about devaluing me and sabotaging the relationship, with me and his children. He drove us to this end with a bullwhip and a blowtorch, is how I phrase the situation. And he agrees. NOW HEAR THIS! If they could help themselves..... THEY WOULD! They can't, so they don't. Tremusan Thank you Tremusan. Can I ask - what do you mean by - he said I can make p*ssy lay down. I am sorry - I do not understand. Also - how do you know so much of all his other women - did you talk to them. If you knew he was cheating all along, why did you stay on in the relatioship. did he devalue all these women at periodic intervals and do the push-pull with them Thank you Nancy Hello Nancy, I am so very sorry you are in this terrible situation. It can happen to anyone - no matter how intelligent, high functioning, etc.. As for your follow-up question - my first answer still applies. N's have a hard time being faithful to one person, no matter who they are with or how devoted their partner is. Although I have heard of N's whose lives are in flux in every other area but their romantic. Sam V. talks a little bit about the two kinds - one who keeps their financial/career stable where their love life is in continual upheaval or vice-versa. Regardless, the best predictor or future behavior is past behavior. People who 'do' change are those who 'fully' recognize their destructive ways, then set about fully committed to long-term therapy. 'Even those' have a very tough time changing. I researched this for myself as I made the biggest decision of my life in not marrying my fiance'. I 'wanted' to learn that he could change, but all indications - inc. his attitude told me (and everyone else), there was almost no chance. Remember this - it is NOT you. It is not because of you he couldn't be a man of integrity. Our character is a condition of our hearts. It is formed early (they say by 5 or 6 years old), it's either good or it isn't - and it is not dependent upon circumstances or people. A man at 57 years old is "fully baked" as they say. In fact, personalities, habits, behaviors, response patterns, etc., are fully, fully baked by 30-ish. Just give it a little time, watch carefully and you will likely see the pattern repeat over and over. Take care, AlwaysLearning Thank you AL. This N does not think there is anything wrong with him. he thinks he is God sent on earth and everyone is just dying to be with him. Women find him irresistible (his thinking). Forget therapy, even acknowledging the problem is out of question. so it seems similar to your fiance. He never thinks it is his fault, it is always, always the woman who is At Fault. I think he cannot change. So then what happens - will the next source have the same end result - devalue and dump. He will just keep increasing the trail of wreckage behind him. (you put it very well) You said - Then they ultimately discard because they "Do not want to be a part of a club that will accept them as a member.". what did you mean by this club and member stuff. I am sorry - I did not understand. Thank you N Hello Nancy :-), An N not thinking anything is wrong with him is part of the disorder itself. There is nothing you can do to change it. In that, there is some relief. It is beyond your control. Yes, I do believe each relationship he has will have the same end result. It's impossible 'not' to unless there are revelations on his part. We are who we are, and we take ourselves wherever we go, no matter who is in our life, etc.. Regarding the club/member comment I made. It simply means N's tend to be most motivated when they are seeking attention and approval. Once they have "won someone over" and have been accepted, they lose interest. Because they know DEEP down of their true depravity, they figure if someone is naive enough to believe them, that person isn't worth their time and attention. This is my understanding of it anyway. As harsh as that is to realize, I hope it helps to shed some light. I know you are hurting. Try to find comfort in your understanding of what is 'true', what you can control, as well as what you cannot control. Then focusing on what you can control - yourself, your life - might bring you some peace. My heart goes with you, AlwaysLearning Thank you Al. Thank you for your time and givng me very clear advice. What happened to your fiance, has he also left a trail of wreckage behind him or is he playing the field and being unfaithful and cheating on several women at the same time, giving each of them the impression that they are truly heavenly and the only one - special to him. Thank you Nancy