Why do narcissist end up hating you?

Answer 1

I suspect my son may be narcissistic so I have been doing quite a bit a research about the subject, and I have learned several things:

First, save rapists and convicted murders, I have never seen a group of people so universally despised and maligned, without any regard to their feelings whatsoever. Yes, I know, they have no feelings, right? Um, guess again. One of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is that they are extremely sensitive to criticism!

On one website, someone actually said the only way to cure a narcissist is for him/her to die. On this very website someone said: "They are freaks of nature." Can you imagine saying that about any other group of people? Go online and read some of the things that are said about narcissists. Then insert the name of your favorite minority group. How does it sound now? No matter how much you may hate your narcissist of choice, you are talking about PEOPLE here. Let's have a little respect.

Second, I have come across many people who have admitted to being narcissistic, who have actually been trying to get help. After looking on the internet, I'm surprised they even bother. The leading "expert" in the field--who is an admitted narcissist himself--dominates nearly every discussion, admits that he doesn't try to change, and doesn't believe it to be possible.

Well, he is only one man. There are degrees of Narcissism and each case is different. The brain is malleable organ; humans are adaptable (dare I say evolutionary?) by nature. They are just beginning to come up with new ways to deal with narcissisic tendencies. If you want to change, DON'T GIVE UP TRYING. (And I know you're out there.) Moving forward--even just a little--is always better than moving backward.

Third, as the mother of a possible narcissist, I am about as popular as the devil himself. Here's a newsflash. I did not abuse my son. Neither did my husband/his father. I am not perfect, by any means, but I am absolutely not a monster. I have run myself through the wringer over this, but have finally come to the conclusion this is NOT all my fault. Am I perfect? No. Did I ever beat him? Uh, no way. Did I ever yell? Um, not proud of it, but yes, 'fraid so. Were there ever times I wasn't there to meet his every emotional need? Undoubtedly. (Did you meet all of your kids' needs? Does anybody?)

Can I admit to myself that there were things my son may have needed from me that I was unaware of or unable to supply? It breaks my heart to think it, but yes. Absolutely. I have done--and will continue to do--some serious introspection to discover what I could have done better in the past and what I may do better in the future.

But guess what, "experts"? While I undoubtedly had a hand in shaping the person my son has become, so did a myriad of other factors. I refuse to be the only scapegoat here. (Remember when autism and anorexia used to be blamed on the mother, too? Anyone see a pattern here?) Stop using mothers as your dumping ground, and let's find out what's really going on here.

Fourth, narcissists are supposed to be, what, 1% of the population? Then how is it possible that everyone seems to know SEVERAL? Narcissists are obviously hard to diagnose; it's very possible that there are more than previously estimated. But narcissism is an extreme condition, not just a personality flaw. Just because someone is a jerk/self-absorbed/your last lover doesn't automatically qualify him/her as a pathological narcissist. This is a serious disorder, not the latest catchphrase; please don't treat it lightly.

I suspect my son may be narcissistic so I have been doing quite a bit a research about the subject, and I have learned several things:

First, save rapists and convicted murders, I have never seen a group of people so universally despised and maligned, without any regard to their feelings whatsoever. Yes, I know, they have no feelings, right? Um, guess again. One of the defining characteristics of a narcissist is that they are extremely sensitive to criticism!

On one website, someone actually said the only way to cure a narcissist is for him/her to die. On this very website someone said: "They are freaks of nature." Can you imagine saying that about any other group of people? Go online and read some of the things that are said about narcissists. Then insert the name of your favorite minority group. How does it sound now? No matter how much you may hate your narcissist of choice, you are talking about PEOPLE here. Let's have a little respect.

Second, I have come across many people who have admitted to being narcissistic, who have actually been trying to get help. After looking on the internet, I'm surprised they even bother. The leading "expert" in the field--who is an admitted narcissist himself--dominates nearly every discussion, admits that he doesn't try to change, and doesn't believe it to be possible.

Well, he is only one man. There are degrees of narcissism and each case is different. The brain is malleable organ; humans are adaptable (dare I say evolutionary?) by nature. They are just beginning to come up with new ways to deal with narcissisic tendencies. If you want to change, DON'T GIVE UP TRYING. (And I know you're out there.) Moving forward--even just a little--is always better than moving backward.

Third, as the mother of a possible narcissist, I am about as popular as the devil himself. Here's a newsflash. I did not abuse my son. Neither did my husband/his father. I am not perfect, by any means, but I am absolutely not a monster. I have run myself through the wringer over this, but have finally come to the conclusion this is NOT all my fault. Am I perfect? No. Did I ever beat him? Uh, no way. Did I ever yell? Um, not proud of it, but yes, 'fraid so. Were there ever times I wasn't there to meet his every emotional need? Undoubtedly. (Did you meet all of your kids' needs? Does anybody?)

Can I admit to myself that there were things my son may have needed from me that I was unaware of or unable to supply? It breaks my heart to think it, but yes. Absolutely. I have done--and will continue to do--some serious introspection to discover what I could have done better in the past and what I may do better in the future.

But guess what, "experts"? While I undoubtedly had a hand in shaping the person my son has become, so did a myriad of other factors. I refuse to be the only scapegoat here. (Remember when autism and anorexia used to be blamed on the mother, too? Anyone see a pattern here?) Stop using mothers as your dumping ground, and let's find out what's really going on here.

Fourth, narcissists are supposed to be, what, 1% of the population? Then how is it possible that everyone seems to know SEVERAL? Narcissists are obviously hard to diagnose; it's very possible that there are more than previously estimated. But narcissism is an extreme condition, not just a personality flaw. Just because someone is a jerk/self-absorbed/your last lover doesn't automatically qualify him/her as a pathological narcissist. This is a serious disorder, not the latest catchphrase; please don't treat it lightly.

I understand what the person above is saying, but there's so much defensiveness...kind of makes you suspect the obvious...

I think lots of people are hurt by narcissists and badly because that's what happens with this disorder. On the other hand, I don't see too many "victims" taking their portion of responsibility. I hate thinking of it as victim, too. Sure, the N I knew did terrible things to me, but I was foolish to let it happen. I discovered my own deep dysfunction when I realized what he was. No one seems to talk much about that, but often narcissists and their dependents (i.e. partners) come from a similar place, usually involving abuse or neglect in their childhoods.

Anyway, I like the narcissist I know. Sometimes that's the part that is difficult for me because I am in No Contact. I wish he could be different, but personality is pretty immutable.

Answer 2

I don't know. Maybe it's to make them feel better . Because nothing is there fault.they need you to think it's your doing!