How can you go about asking a non-abusive parent to read an abuse book that you have had for over a year without her accusing you of making trouble because she doesn't see her husband as an abuser?

Answer 1

Your mother comes from "the old school" where things were said like, "You made your bed now lay in it." Things were kept secret behind closed doors and one just dealt with it and thus, that term "skeletons in the closet" is forever present. Your mother has had years with your father and there are things that have gone on between them that you will never know because it's between your mother and father and many of those things could possibly be wonderful memories. You may not have seen some of the loving ways they treated each other in past years. When a couple gets older all types of things can happen to the relationship besides abuse or cheating. A parent can be sick and diseases such as Diabetes, heart problems, Alzheimer's and Dementia are but a few of the diseases that can totally change a person's personality. When you get married and you have loved each other and one partner changes it's sometimes "staying power" or it could be habit. I've been married 34 years and there is no guarantee that my husband may not turn abusive if ill and I will have to deal with it when the time comes. All I know is, I love him and I want to grow old together and I'll do what it takes to try and make it work. It not up to others to decide what I should and shouldn't do. Because two people argue doesn't mean that they don't love each other. Some couples get off on arguing and although it drives the rest of the family members into total distraction it's just who they are. There are problems in every marriage and the longer you are married the more mileage the two of you have put on together. What you may consider abuse is truly not. Hitting, punching, kicking is physical abuse and that's something else entirely because you'd fear for your mother's safety. Mental abuse can be just as scarring mentally, but, it's your mother's choice. In this modern age if someone even yells at another person, slams the door on them it's called "mental abuse." If two people are arguing and one slightly pushes another women have a habit of screaming "physical abuse." If a boss should lean over a woman's shoulder to look at the computer and is completely innocent about it, but the woman is wearing a low-cut top and she believes he was looking down her blouse then the guy can be hit with a sexual harrassment suit. Personally, it's gone too far one way. It's to the point people are afraid to touch other people's children, afraid to show signs of caring by giving someone a hug, or just joking around. How sad. So, what you feel may be abuse between your parents may not be. If your father was always abusive to your mother then realize that not all women are strong and are afraid to leave the abusive environment because they are use to looking after a home and raising children and may have not had the chance to get out and work and become more independent. It's fear! If you want to offer help, then you are going to have to also be there for your mother and help her out. She is the one that will live in lonely solitude, not you. Some women feel it's better to be in an abusive relationship than be so-called thrown to the wolves in society. They have no skills and they don't feel they can cope. When your father is away from home have a visit with your mother and ask her to explain how she feels and listen! Perhaps you will find out some information that will truly surprise you and you'll understand more why your mother is toughing it out with your father. If you feel your mother will not change, then just tell her you love her and will always be there for her should she change her mind. Then try to walk away and leave it in her hands. There is nothing more you can do about it as painful as it may be for you. Good luck Marcy